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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Told him to go by end of half term

28 replies

HollyHunter18 · 12/05/2018 17:51

I actually thought I couldn’t go through with it as we started to talk reasonably again and were even holding hands the other evening but then he told me to shut the f up again today and I just can’t take anymore.

OP posts:

Gilead · 12/05/2018 17:58

He has no right to do that. You've done the right thing. Be strong.

Original poster

HollyHunter18 · 12/05/2018 17:59

Thanks Gilead, apparently I talk to him like a servant or a nanny.

OP posts:

Gilead · 12/05/2018 18:09

I got told all sorts of nonsense for over 20 years. It's been a while since he's been gone, but my goodness the relief! Oh, and the realisation that it really wasn't me! You can do this and you are worth more. Good luck!

Original poster

HollyHunter18 · 12/05/2018 18:23

He always gets angry when I want to book anything and accuses me of not consulting him or railroading him but with two small children , one with asd and 6 weeks of summer holiday ahead it’s very hard not to book things and to wait for him to decide

OP posts:

Original poster

HollyHunter18 · 12/05/2018 18:23

He’s now upstairs singing with my son

OP posts:

Original poster

HollyHunter18 · 12/05/2018 18:24

More ignoring me and singing and kissing children 😖

OP posts:

Original poster

HollyHunter18 · 13/05/2018 09:47

So he’s playing with my son at home like he’s the most amazing father because he doesn’t want to go to the park with him like “ every weekend “ and chase him around. They are playing really nicely and I felt guilty and then I realised - it’s not fair- he could have done that all along and let me go out and have a break on a Saturday but he always insisted we be together but then made organising the day impossible as he never really wanted to let me plan anything. It’s not fair because he gets to play like that because he has none of the other “ grunt” work to do. I am feeling really psychologically vulnerable and I need to remind myself that I am not just wrecking something good.

OP posts:

Maelstrop · 13/05/2018 10:16

He’s really controlling you, isn’t he? Nasty piece of work.

Singlenotsingle · 13/05/2018 10:19

Just go out for a nice long walk and let him get on with it

Popchyk · 13/05/2018 10:22

Can you leave a note on the table and just go out for a few hours?

Try to get out and clear your head for a bit.

Singlenotsingle · 13/05/2018 10:22

And go ahead and book all your summer activities on the basis that he'll probably go into a sulk and refuse to come, anyway. But at least it's organised and he can take it or leave it

Original poster

HollyHunter18 · 13/05/2018 11:22

No we are separating so I will have to cancel what I’d booked anyway and lose money. I’m devastated even though I can’t carry on. I’m having to go out with baby just to get away from him.

OP posts:

Original poster

HollyHunter18 · 13/05/2018 11:27

I actually feel suicidal because I can’t accept that it’s not my fault and a separation will
Mean he only sees children once a week as baby is young and breastfed and son has asd and is little and can’t do overnights and husband will be moving to city where he works and I will be moving away too. I don’t think I will ever fully understand what’s gone wrong. He makes me so upset I end up screaming and smashing things and then he tells me to stop doing it as if he is so calm and in control. It’s intolerable. I also look at him doing his great dad thing ( he can be) and I feel this awful sense of abandonment.

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 13/05/2018 11:34

I bet your mental health improves dramatically when you are no longer exposed to this constant fucking with your head.

Original poster

HollyHunter18 · 13/05/2018 11:51

I resent so much that he upsets me and then I behave like a crazy person and then he does this “ it’s not good for the children to witness that” routine. I am an absolutely dedicated mother and basically do everything for them as he is not really around during the week. My son has asd and I have been told I am doing an amazing job and yet he brings me to my knees and then tells me to get up when I’m down (metaphorically).

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 13/05/2018 12:10

HE knows exactly what he is doing.. get shot of him.. and you're not alone lovely.. come on here and talk anytime night or day.. someone is always here ... please don't feed into His mind games anymore...

Flisspaps · 13/05/2018 12:47

He is a bully. Well done for making this decision.

Have you contacted Women's Aid for practical advice?

redastherose · 13/05/2018 13:01

Have a read up about narcissistic traits and the red flags of emotional abuse. When someone drives you to the point of screaming/smashing things then just looks smug it means that they did it on purpose just to make you loose control so they can say it's your fault (crazy making). Just from what you've said it's his behaviour that is causing this and you will feel better once you no longer have to put up with him. Don't feel sad about the children, feel glad that you are getting them away from someone who is damaged/damaging to be around.

My stbxh used to do the refusing to plan thing too, he used to complain about me not organising things but nothing was right if it wasn't his idea and nobody was telling him what to do hence the refusal to allow preplanning! It's very very difficult to deal with and you are not to blame for his dis functionality.

arnoldbegbie · 13/05/2018 13:26

I read your other thread on here, about how he talks to you, and it really reminded me of my ex. He used to drive me to the point of screaming, crying hysterically, and scratching my own face. I felt like I was losing my mind, for a while. It’s almost impossible to overstate the damage living in that kind of bizarro airlock – where black is white, and up is down, and whatever he’s done, he is always, always right – does to a person’s mental health. But when I left him, my mental health improved almost instantaneously. I’m now in a very happy, very sane relationship, with a lovely man. And I just wanted to say, even though it feels impossible now: it isn’t. As soon as he goes, you’ll feel a burden lift. Obviously, it will be logistically difficult, with two small children, but nothing is as difficult as living with a man like that. And after a few months of being on your own, you’ll wonder how you tolerated him for so long. You can do this. So many women on here have done it. I’m yet to hear one say she regrets the decision.

Original poster

HollyHunter18 · 13/05/2018 13:52

That’s the situation I’m
I’m arnoldbegbie thank you. I have wondered if he has Aspergers as he just fails to see my point of view 95% of the time but he is socially quite confident if disinterested and he prefers not to have any timetable at all so it’s not that - I really don’t understand.

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Original poster

HollyHunter18 · 13/05/2018 14:34

I feel like I have no life anymore. I cannot mane any plans as I don’t know whether we are separating from one week to the next. I usually feel so devastated after a weekend all my energy and enthusiasm for the coming week has gone. I have no real friends as I’ve moved around and lost touch and can’t do anything anyway because I’ve never been childfree. I can’t see myself working again because I was a teacher but I don’t want to work with children anymore as I’m burnt out. My son has asd and I don’t know if I’ll ever have time to work again. My relationship is over and I realise I’ve never had a man be really kind to me and I’ve had enough of them. I only have my parents really and they are very elderly, I feel so sorry for my children.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 13/05/2018 16:23

Sooner or later you will separate because you can't go on like this forever. You'll end up in the local psychiatric unit. Anyone would. As someone else said, you'll feel much better when the decision has been made and the man is out of your life.

Original poster

HollyHunter18 · 13/05/2018 17:32

I’ll
Never have him out of my life though will
I?

OP posts:

Original poster

HollyHunter18 · 13/05/2018 17:42

I feel disconnected from the children whilst he’s around

OP posts:

Gilead · 13/05/2018 17:49

I've been here. I'm not anymore. It's such a bloody relief. Stick with it!

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