Looking for an outsiders opinion

[nineteenninetyseven]

Just that really.
I've been with my partner for 6 years. We have 3 kids together all aged 4 and under.
He goes through stages of never being around. He'll sleep at my house sometimes, but prefers to be at his mums. When he wakes up here at mine, he leaves straight away in the morning and doesn't return until about 10pm on the nights he stays.
He does nothing for our kids apart from the occasional lift to here or there, the odd story in bed once every blue moon, a cuddle once every few days. But he doesn't change nappies, doesn't do feeds, all the essentials etc.
He loves to go out partying and being around everyone and anyone really.
He pokes fun at my appearance a lot and especially my weight, I'm 12st and he bangs on as if I'm 20 st. Not that it matters what I weigh but he puts me down a lot. He says he's joking but it's very persistent.
He's 25 and I just think he really doesn't want to move on from his teenage years.
I know I love him too much to leave him without feeling a huge heartbreak, and I would never get over him. Our relationship isn't toxic, we just have annoying problems.

So, what are your thoughts? These are things I put up with daily and I think I've gotten used to them but now am starting to feel like I have no idea what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. Never mind a family. I want the best for our kids and don't get me wrong he gives them the love they need but that's all. I don't want them growing up thinking he's a slack.

No bashing please. Thanks for reading.

I know I love him too much to leave him without feeling a huge heartbreak, and I would never get over him.

Oh love. In the nicest possible way, you only feel this way because you're very young!

You would definitely get over him! You'd have to work quite hard not to, tbh. Life carries on. It just does.

Regarding your relationship. Again, saying this nicely why did you have three children to someone who literally cannot be arsed with you or them?

He's making it crystal clear that he isn't arsed and isn't interested. That's the actual opposite of family life. You don't have a family life with him. You have your life as a single mum, with him dipping in and out.

Do you have sex when he stops with you?

He is having his cake and eating it. He gets to dip in and out when he fancies it, while living the single life at his Mums. What on earth does his Mum think of that? If he were my son, I'd be telling him to ship out and live with his children.
Sorry but you are acting like a doormat. You're very young and you probably can't imagine life without him etc, but believe me, he's not exactly enhancing your life.

Does he pay towards the children?

You've asked for people's thoughts, and mine are to tell him to live with you full time and help with the children like a proper father, or you're done!

Oh dear. It’s too late now, by why did you let this happen? Did his mum do all the care and his dad none? There would be no more sleeping over and much more, ‘what days are you looking after the kids?’

What an absolute child

Pull yourself together and end this nonsense. He’s treating you like a doormat and you’re letting him. This isn’t going to improve and it will instead get worse. If he hasn’t already cheated on you when he’s been staying at his “mum’s house” then he will eventually.

You’ll feel like shit in the immediate aftermath of breaking up, but you’ll be so much better off long term.

I don't think you only have 'annoying problems', I think you have a huge problem. He's not taking any responsibility whatsoever - I can't for the life of me understand why you'd stick around and have three kids, after he behaved like that after number 1. Not only is he not taking responsibility, he's nasty to you when he's there.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. To be honest I'd ask him to step up, move in, be a proper partner and father, or I'd be cutting my losses and leaving him.

He can't be allowed to carry on taking what he wants and adding nothing whatsoever. I do think you'd get over him too - it feels like you won't when you're in the middle of the situation, but you will.

It sounds as though he feels he's a single man living at mum's and popping in to see you and the kids occasionally. He's still very young isn't he, still not grown up yet. Hopefully he pays in towards the family? If not, you need to get regular payments set up through the csa

The thing about heartbreak - you get over it, you move on, you find happiness again.

You're a single parent already.

He's mean to you and puts you down, you're good for sex and company when he wants it and you're raising his dc alone.

Time to work on your self-esteem.

You know that this isn’t right and your kids shouldn’t grow up thinking this is ok. Both them and you deserve so much more. It sounds like your confidence has took a real bashing but from the tone of your post it’s obvious you’re a kind person and he is taking advantage of that. You are letting him take advantage of the fact you love him. You need to get some support in real life to get you strong enough to stop allowing him to treat you like that. Either he needs to change- step up to the plate, or you do- kick him out.
I’ve been in your place and it’s soul destroying and energy draining but I’ve never for one minute regretted leaving and putting myself and my kids first.

TBH I get the impression that he just sees you as a shag he doesn't even bother with the DC.

Why on earth would you love a twat like that? You might be addicted to his attention, but it's not love.

Think of the love you have for your DC. That is love. It's pure and simple and worthwhile. Now think of the aggro this dickhead gives you. That is NOT love.

I think it sounds as though you are compromising hugely on having his company, practical and psychological support and real joint parenting. Plus he sounds as though he undermines you.

I think you need to end this and look to meet someone who really appreciates you. You deserve to have someone who thinks you are wonderful and is a true partner

So sorry op, but this isn't really a relationship, is it?
He is just dipping in and out of your life as he feels like it.

Woman up and pull the plug on this.

Well a partner/husband wpuld be with you every night. He would go to work to help provide for you and the children and he would come home and help you out. You would have a joint budget and be a parnership. Occasionally his mum or your mum would come over and babysit so you could have a night out together if you could afford it.

You would be making plans for the future together.

His mother is facilitating poor behaviour. If you have a supportive family what does YOUR mum think?

My son is nearly 24. He is just learning about life and responsibility. There is no way I would facilitate him to treat the mother of my grandchildren like this (if I had any).

How can he be a great dad if he only comes over to yours after 10pm when presumably they're fast asleep?

I'm so sorry but you really don't have a relationship. At all.

I'm at a loss as to why you think you do.

Not trying to be unkind so I'm sorry if I'm coming across that way.

I imagine you have heartbreak ahead of you regardless of you finish with him now or not.

Who does he live with his mum and not with you? If he did live with you you should kick him out but I'm intrigued as to why after 3 kids he still doesn't live with you. Is he paying maintenance? If not then put in a claim and tell him it's over. Not that there's s relationship to even be over. Things will be so much better without him dragging you down.

You need to leave him. You will find someone else who will treat you right, who will love your children.
You need to think about the effect this is having on your children. I know this isn't the nicest way of saying things but you really need to put your children before your partner, he's a twat and he's ruining their childhood.
I think you can get strength from your children, they put all of their trust in you, they have no one else to protect them. They need you to be strong and leave him.

Stop having children with this man. Do you want your children to have a relationship like yours? If not stop exposing them to it.

Try to value yourself more. This man's actions do the opposite. You can do so much better. Please find the strength to move on - by the sounds of it he brings so little to the relationship that you've already proved you're totally strong enough to go it alone for a while.

So he doesn't really live with you. Does he contribute financially at all?

He’s just using you for sex. Do your kids a favour and dump the loser.

This sounds awful.
From an outsiders point of view it sounds like he just pops in and out to have a break from his mum's house?
Or perhaps it's a way to control you so you don't start dating someone else so he throws you a bone occasionally of relationship?
What's he doing with the rest of his time?
Does he contribute to the family home you share with your 3 kids? If not then I'd perhaps also think that he's doing this to not pay child maintenance as he can pretend to you and the csa that you're in a relationship.
My suggestion is he now leaves officially and use the csa calculator to work out maintenance.
This is so bad on so many levels.

I don’t know you but I know you deserve more- anyone would deserve more.

Does he usually want sex when he stays at yours?

I feel so sorry for your children. Why would you breed with a man you don’t even live with? They’re going to grow up feeling horrible about themselves wondering why their own father can’t be bothered with them. Don’t have any more children. You are not ready to be a mother to one child, let alone 3.

And yes, if he calls you fat and makes you feel bad then your relationship is toxic. He’s a complete waste of air. Stop exposing your children to this miserable lifestyle.