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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Looking for an outsiders opinion

55 replies

nineteenninetyseven · 12/05/2018 16:27

Just that really.
I've been with my partner for 6 years. We have 3 kids together all aged 4 and under.
He goes through stages of never being around. He'll sleep at my house sometimes, but prefers to be at his mums. When he wakes up here at mine, he leaves straight away in the morning and doesn't return until about 10pm on the nights he stays.
He does nothing for our kids apart from the occasional lift to here or there, the odd story in bed once every blue moon, a cuddle once every few days. But he doesn't change nappies, doesn't do feeds, all the essentials etc.
He loves to go out partying and being around everyone and anyone really.
He pokes fun at my appearance a lot and especially my weight, I'm 12st and he bangs on as if I'm 20 st. Not that it matters what I weigh but he puts me down a lot. He says he's joking but it's very persistent.
He's 25 and I just think he really doesn't want to move on from his teenage years.
I know I love him too much to leave him without feeling a huge heartbreak, and I would never get over him. Our relationship isn't toxic, we just have annoying problems.

So, what are your thoughts? These are things I put up with daily and I think I've gotten used to them but now am starting to feel like I have no idea what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. Never mind a family. I want the best for our kids and don't get me wrong he gives them the love they need but that's all. I don't want them growing up thinking he's a slack.

No bashing please. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
shammy1b · 13/05/2018 06:08

Babes im really not bashing but it sounds like your just a shag whis had his 3 kids along the way..so because of kids he thinks he can string you along..bet you my life he has a thousand beckys with the good hair and prob another set of kids..he sounds like a wrong un hun..your already living the single life with a part time cock lodger thats mentally abusive..do you really want to keep wandering when you will be a proper family or are you gonna fix up and get a real man that will help with your kids and your finances while also telling you how much he appreciates you regularly..i know what id want...

Devilishpyjamas · 13/05/2018 06:19

Why’s his mother letting him be at her house all the time? Some of my sons aren’t all that much younger than him and if they had kids and a partner I’d tell them to get their arse over to their family.

Of course the issue is him, not his mum, but it may make establishing boundaries harder if she also isn’t on board.

Personally I’d be needing to see a change quickly or would end the relationship. You could end up spending years as a doormat to this man-child. I agree with a pp you only feel that you wouldn’t cope without him because you are still so young. For some of us coping with a relationship breakup is a skill we have to learn (took me a while tbh) - it’s a very useful skill to have though - means you never get walked over again & boosts self esteem etc.

shammy1b · 13/05/2018 06:26

Agree totally with Devilish xx

MarieG10 · 13/05/2018 06:33

How can you think that someone whose only time with you is to sleep in your bed (and presumably have sex with you) is your partner? If it wasn't for the fact that you have three children it would be described elsewhere on here as a FWB.

He sounds awful and you sound vulnerable to him. If you can summon up the strength stop him visiting and get a life of your own

NorthernKnickers · 13/05/2018 10:32

Yes, your relationship is toxic. It really is. He doesn't love you. He's a child not a man and he is DEFINITELY not a good father. He doesn't do any of the jobs a father does. He's a child who still lives with his mum...who, by the way, should be telling her son to get his arse over to his family! She clearly wants her little boy to stay at home with her. It won't change lovely! Find your inner strength and get rid of him, before baby number 4 is on the way. 💐

moreshitandnofuckingredemption · 13/05/2018 10:36

I don't have anything different to add here, but know that you deserve better than this, and you won't get it till you kick him to the kerb.

Quartz2208 · 13/05/2018 10:41

You don’t have a relationship to be brutally honest and your children don’t have a father. They have a fun uncle and you have someone who just visits for sex

What financial aid does he give and what do his family think

Huskylover1 · 13/05/2018 10:47

Literally cannot believe what I have just read!

Why on earth are you allowing him to treat you like this?

And you do know, that he is NOT at his Mum's, yeah? This guy is seriously shagging someone else.

This is nothing like a normal relationship. It's not a relationship at all. It's a man who pops in for a shag occasionally.

Tell him to Fuck Off. Seriously. Then get on to the CMS and make a claim against him for child support.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 13/05/2018 10:51

Fucking hell. Get some self respect and get rid of this loser.
He sounds like an unutterable cunt and I wouldn't have it near me.

Racecardriver · 13/05/2018 12:32

Any would you even want to sleep with someone like that let alone have the children with him? You might as well find someone else. You would Shrigley to find someone worse.

CarysMa · 13/05/2018 12:35

This is awful but the thoughts in your head now prove that your inner voices are making you question this.

Your children will get older. You could lose weight for YOU if you decided to. Don't do it to win his approval.

I don't think he's going to be any use to you in the life you could build without him. If you could split up and tell him that he can have the DC two nights a week at his mum's house then that would give you some space and freedom.

Being treated like shit damages the self-esteem. Being single is better for the soul imo.

Be kind to yourself Brew

bluebell1981 · 13/05/2018 13:08

He doesn't give your children the love they need, not in the slightest. Nor is he setting a remotely positive example of what a father should be, and what a healthy relationship between parents should look like.

They deserve better. YOU deserve better. It's very sad to think you've already spent years like this; please don't waste any more of your life in a relationship like this. It doesn't have to be like this - it's not what love looks like!

NorthernKnickers · 13/05/2018 16:02

I've just read this again and the bit where you say he 'gives them the love that they need' is really making me want to shake you awake! He isn't giving them anything! You say he 'reads them a story once in a blue moon' or 'gives them a cuddle every few days'!! Seriously OP, what Parenting Planet are you on, to believe that this is even CLOSE to 'giving them the love that they need'?🙄😫

Time to wake up and smell the coffee...your man-child is using you when he fancies a quickie, and that's about it really. I'd bet money on him having another woman...probably younger, slimmer (going by his vile, nasty comments about your weight) and childless, somewhere on call nearby! He's vile. Get rid!

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 13/05/2018 16:19

He doesn't give you or the children what you need and is certainly sleeping with other women as well. Get rid.

tiktok · 13/05/2018 16:23

OP not coming back :(

RideOn · 13/05/2018 16:27

Please get reliable contraception. It’s not that you shouldn’t have more children, but not with this waste of space.
This doesn’t sound like a lasting relationship, sorry. I’m amazed you have lasted so long.

cherrytrees123 · 13/05/2018 16:31

I cannot believe you put up with this. He treats you like shit. You deserve far better. I don't know how you can end this but you need to. He is a total waste of space.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 13/05/2018 17:26

Are you very young OP, as your user name implies?

Original poster
nineteenninetyseven · 13/05/2018 18:30

Just to add - he wasn't like this until I fell pregnant with my third. I was asking for an opinion not to be judged, sometimes it's hard to see things the way other people do especially when I do love him.

OP posts:
Original poster
nineteenninetyseven · 13/05/2018 18:30

Thank you to those that have posted kind words of support and do understand where I'm coming from. I appreciate it.

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 13/05/2018 18:35

I don't think people are judging you. You are clearly very young and have ended up sleepwalking into a situation where you are nothing more than an easy shag to a man who doesn't care about you or his children.

What would you say to a daughter of yours in this situation?

NoodleKT · 13/05/2018 19:00

TBH it sounds like you aren't actually in a relationship, in his eyes.
Think of it this way, if your best friend came to you with this problem.. what would you tell her? I'm guessing you would tell her that she deserves better

It would be upsetting at first but honestly that would pass and you'd be much happier :) Thanks

Namethecat · 13/05/2018 19:05

I'm sorry but he sees you as a fuck buddy. I wonder what he would do if you told him you'd arranged a babysitter and you want him to take you on a date and off for a nice meal ?

bluebell1981 · 13/05/2018 19:06

Little judgement that I can see - just the outsiders opinion that you asked for.

I get that you love him, and have three children with him, but what you've described isn't healthy for anyone. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children. Have you talked to any friends or family - what have they said?

TittyGolightly · 13/05/2018 19:08

Your other thread about this is pretty telling, OP.

The guy is a walking dick. Run for the hills.

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