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Relationships

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Original poster

Was I being unreasonable and controlling?

31 replies

ConfusedZebra · 12/05/2018 14:19

A few months after I started dating my partner I found out he was having a friend with benefits (sex) with one of his closest friends. It was a small group of friends and 3 of them - my partner, another guy and a women- were especially close. So close my partner was sleeping with her( the other guy not)

Anyway I got together with my partner and he kept talking about his friends a lot. Which was fine, I didn't think anymore to it but after a few months of dating he told me that there is something I need to no. I knew it straight away-just had that odd feeling. I thought he was in a relationship with her but turned out they were friends with benefits.

I was fairly upset about because my partner used to sleep at theirs like once a month (so the other guy and the woman was sharing a flat) and go out a lot, parties etc.

I don't believe in friends with benefits. I think there is always one half that will eventually start having feelings for the other...

Anyway once I made it clear to my partner I'm not okay him staying at theirs he stopped sleeping there. He still kept in touch but didn't go out with them that much anymore

I did find out a few months later that these friends -the 3 of them and some other friends- booked a holiday abroad. They were going to rent a big house and party etc... my birthday was in the middle of this holiday and I made a massive deal about it.

From my point of view my boyfriend of 8-9 months was rather going to spend a week away with his fuck buddy then spend my birthday with me! And it hurt as fuck. I was 'invited ' to this thing by my boyfriend but I don't do drugs and loads of alcohol- I'm not that kinda girl.

Anyway eventually he went and spent one day with his friends then I flew after him and spent 1 1/2 day with him and his friends (to make the effort) then we left and spent the rest of the holiday together just the 2 of us. Had the most amazing 5 days btw!

I know that girl thinks I was controlling him (read it in one of her messages to my partner) it was an awful 1 1/2 day there btw I felt so left out and everyone knew what was going on - I think.

I am just wondering now was I being controlling? I feel a bit guilty cause after that my boyfriend saw them one more time and nothing since... I feel a bit bad still cause the other guy was one of his best friends...

OP posts:

Bombardier25966 · 12/05/2018 14:25

You make little sense. Who is sleeping with who?

Original poster

ConfusedZebra · 12/05/2018 14:30

Ah sorry... so my partner was sleeping with this girl. They were never in a relationship they were just friends with benefits. The other guy who is my partners best friend)lives with this women.

OP posts:

Grobagsforever · 12/05/2018 14:35

You lost me at 'that kinda girl' - you are not in an American soap opera

LiteraryDevil · 12/05/2018 14:40

All parties in this need to grow up and you in particular need to find your self worth and leave these idiots to their drugs and alcohol and sex. Sounds like a bad film.

Bant · 12/05/2018 14:40

Well you may not believe in friends with benefits, but other people do. It works for some people.

I think you’re perfectly justified on insisting that your boyfriend not sleep with someone else, but your flying out there could be seen as controlling, yes. Your reading messages to your partner - unless he openly showed them to you, is definitely controlling.

I think the two of you obviously don’t have compatible lifestyles.

If a woman were to post that her boyfriend had flown out to join her holiday, was reading private messages from her friends, and was doing everything to break up one of her friendships, then that boyfriend would be seen as dangerously controlling.

LucyEvans26 · 12/05/2018 14:43

Ok I'm confussed- why are you with this guy if he's cheating on you? i don't get it?

Melliegrantfirstlady · 12/05/2018 14:47

So he was cheating on you?

No you were not controlling but you were a doormat

I would dump this guy and also why worry about what she said?!

Perfectdayx · 12/05/2018 15:03

Is he still with this other woman?

Aprilmightbemynewname · 12/05/2018 15:07

Tbh the fact drugs are part of his life would bother me more than him shagging his friend.

Original poster

ConfusedZebra · 12/05/2018 15:08

No so apparently they stopped having sex a couple of months before he met me. I think he was looking for a proper serious relationship. But he still would had slept at her flat when they went out drinking or clubbing.

I'm sorry I'm not being very clear. I'm still upset about it even tho it al happened some time ago now.

I was upset about the holiday because he was debating whether spend my birthday with me or go on holiday with her ex fuck buddy

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 12/05/2018 15:10

Why is he the best you can do exactly??

Original poster

ConfusedZebra · 12/05/2018 15:10

Oh yeah the drugs. I told him that's a no from me ! He didn't take any since although I don't think it was because of me. He said he had enough of the parties and drinking , drugs and I am pretty sure he hasn't had any for a very long time.

OP posts:

Original poster

ConfusedZebra · 12/05/2018 15:11

ElspethFlashman What do you mean ?

OP posts:

seven201 · 12/05/2018 15:19

Had he booked this holiday before you and he got serious? Your dp was not cheating on you and is probably to see his ex friend with benefits without jumping into bed with her. You have no faith in him. Dp, do's ex fwb and dp's male friend have all done nothing wrong at all. You should have let them have a fun holiday together. You've got your dp under the thumb - give him a bit of space and start trusting him. If you can't trust him you shouldn't be with him.

ElspethFlashman · 12/05/2018 15:19

I mean that it's a mess. He'll always be pals with her and she'll always be pouring poison in his ear. You'll always be insecure about her and painted as a jealous one.

It's exhausting already.

HundredMilesAnHour · 12/05/2018 15:47

I think you sound controlling. He only got 1 day holiday with his friends then you basically gatecrashed their holiday and then took him elsewhere to be with you. I'd be pretty p*ssed off with you if I was his friends. I'm sure they didn't deliberately plan a holiday for the same time as your birthday and it's not like you've even been together that long. He should have gone with his friends as planned and celebrated with you either before or after he went.

You also sound very insecure about his former FWB and determined to put an end to their friendship.

SandyY2K · 12/05/2018 15:49

I wouldn't like that set up, so I'd remove myself from it and leave them to it tbh.
Way too much hassle and I can find a guy with a lot less stress.

Original poster

ConfusedZebra · 12/05/2018 15:58

It was some time ago now and we're still together. I definitely was insecure about it and didn't want him to spend a holiday with a fuck buddy and booze and drugs. It was his call tho and he chose to go for a couple of days with his friends and spend the rest with me.

I feel like I might have been controlling even tho I didn't mean too.

I met that women twice. First time she refused to meet me and I had to rearrange my plans to make it happen. I just wanted to face her. Not arguing or anything just wanted to know who she is... she was also everwhere... on his social media, messages etc ... I saw the messages were from her but didn't read them just saw on my face phone when he received one.

OP posts:

Helpimfalling · 12/05/2018 16:07

I couldn't be in that situation honestly I'd have to break up with him or him break up with them

That may seem controlling but that's my reality

SandyY2K · 12/05/2018 16:14

Would he mind you being close to an EX like this? Because FWBs are not much different to me.

Original poster

ConfusedZebra · 12/05/2018 16:20

I think he would mind yes. Obviously I can't say for sure as I cut contact with all me exes after breaking up. I do think he would mind it tho...

OP posts:

IlikemyTeahot · 12/05/2018 17:10

This doesn't sound like a relationship I would want to be a part of to be fair.
I don't think your DP would find anyone who would be 100% ok with that.
With being so close they will always have that connection and If it wad me I wouldnt be able to rid myself of the thought that they would be tempted to 'do something' again either drunk or after an argument.
I do respect your partners honesty and its a shame its tied up the way it is. I wouldnt say leave him over this but I wouldnt be pleased about him spending holidays sleepovers etc without me when she's around. I dont know its an odd situation (I've had similar issues but resolved itself)
I dont think your being controlling just cautious. I don't think I could be with someone under these circumstances I'm not particularly insecure and obviously people have had previous sexual partners but this set up would drive me mad. I feel sorry for your partners best friend too it must also be very awkward for him ( in the past and currently) The woman seems quite petty to make any kind of comments about your behaviour, considering you know what their relationship was about, If she had half a brain she would realise how uncomfortable you feel and should back off a little. I would also be interested in his reply to her messages....I would really hope my DP would stand up for me there and if not I don't think I would waste anymore time on someone who couldn't respect me. As it is you've no kids together if your not happy with things walk away cos this is a messed up situation on one hand you can't dictate his friendships, if this was just a female friend I might think OP was a little unreasonable but the sex factor makes this soo awkward, on the other hand If he sees a future with you he will need to put boundaries in place with her.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 12/05/2018 17:50

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him. I'd run a mile.

Emma198 · 12/05/2018 17:54

So this happened ages and you've just come on here to ask if you were controlling? What made you ask now? How have things been since?

Barbaro · 12/05/2018 18:03

It sounds to me like they were friends with benefits, he wanted a more serious relationship with her and she said no. So he left her and found someone else, which is you.

It's always going to be weird to be honest as he's not going to just ditch his friends for you, but I wouldn't be happy with him spending regular time with someone he used to have sex with and probably wanted to be with. Other women might be fine with that, I wouldn't be and nor would others. You don't sound happy either, so probably best to leave him.

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