Was I being unreasonable and controlling?

[ConfusedZebra]

A few months after I started dating my partner I found out he was having a friend with benefits (sex) with one of his closest friends. It was a small group of friends and 3 of them - my partner, another guy and a women- were especially close. So close my partner was sleeping with her( the other guy not)

Anyway I got together with my partner and he kept talking about his friends a lot. Which was fine, I didn't think anymore to it but after a few months of dating he told me that there is something I need to no. I knew it straight away-just had that odd feeling. I thought he was in a relationship with her but turned out they were friends with benefits.

I was fairly upset about because my partner used to sleep at theirs like once a month (so the other guy and the woman was sharing a flat) and go out a lot, parties etc.

I don't believe in friends with benefits. I think there is always one half that will eventually start having feelings for the other...

Anyway once I made it clear to my partner I'm not okay him staying at theirs he stopped sleeping there. He still kept in touch but didn't go out with them that much anymore

I did find out a few months later that these friends -the 3 of them and some other friends- booked a holiday abroad. They were going to rent a big house and party etc... my birthday was in the middle of this holiday and I made a massive deal about it.

From my point of view my boyfriend of 8-9 months was rather going to spend a week away with his fuck buddy then spend my birthday with me! And it hurt as fuck. I was 'invited ' to this thing by my boyfriend but I don't do drugs and loads of alcohol- I'm not that kinda girl.

Anyway eventually he went and spent one day with his friends then I flew after him and spent 1 1/2 day with him and his friends (to make the effort) then we left and spent the rest of the holiday together just the 2 of us. Had the most amazing 5 days btw!

I know that girl thinks I was controlling him (read it in one of her messages to my partner) it was an awful 1 1/2 day there btw I felt so left out and everyone knew what was going on - I think.

I am just wondering now was I being controlling? I feel a bit guilty cause after that my boyfriend saw them one more time and nothing since... I feel a bit bad still cause the other guy was one of his best friends...

@Emma198 Yes, this whole thing happened a while ago but I can't get over it completley. My parents' marrige isn't great and my mum has always been very controlling with my dad. I don't want to become her... I don't want a relationship like theirs and I am not quite sure what was happening between me and my partner and the FWB and the other friend... It was just so complicated and I so wanted to keep the relationship with my boyfriend that I don't think I was thinking clearly. I suppose I am just trying to clarify things with myself so I can finally put the whole thing to bed.

I understand why it's weird for you but you either trust him or you don't. He invited you on the trip you should have gone or not at all. Instead you allowed him one day with his friends then took him off elsewhere, imagine if you were make doing that to a female partner, I can already hear the calls of LTB. His friends probably think you're a bit clingy/controlling, which is why it was awkward the short time you were there, you'd made it clear you didn't trust DP with them, in their shoes is feel pretty insulted, the fact that this was a while ago (and he did exactly what you wanted) and you're still hung up on it, shows this isn't the relationship for you. People have a past, for some it's more complicated than others, and some partners are ok with that, you seem to fall into the group who aren't, which is fine, but how does this work without you cutting him off from his friends? She lives with his best friend.

I am happy in my relationship btw. I mean don't get me wrong we have had many ups and downs but always managed to work on things. I would say our relationship is strong. I guess it is my relationship with myself... I don't want to be controlling but in this case I felt like I might have been... and also some other situations (not related to this one) I think I could have been controlling. And I am so against it and fighting it but don't want to make a fool out of myself.

If you're happy now, and it was some time ago, don't you think you should let it go? If you're worried you're controlling you'd be better off being mindful of how you're behaving in future and making a conscious effort not to be controlling, rather than picking over what has happened in the past.

Have you asked him if he found you controlling? I personally couldn’t put up with my OH still being pally (and by pally, I mean sleeping at her house) with a close fuck buddy. The holiday thing, maybe you could have just left him to his holiday and celebrate your birthday when he got back?

I know @Emma198 I should really just let go of this! I can't help though and every now and then this bad experience, the feelings and emotions come back. I didn't really talk to anyone about it and I thought maybe if I start a thread here I can at least 'talk' about it and that might help.

I have to admit if he would had gone for the holiday instead of spending my bday with me I would have broken up with him . In that case it would have been obvious that fuck buddy came before me.

I didn't ask him if I was controlling him. I did talk to him about my experience with my parents marriage and other family issues so he know I'm working on my stuff. And so does he... I can really see he's doing his best for our relationship and as I said we have ups and downs but I feel we are going strong. Gosh I just need to let go of the past don't I?!