Women in ltrs, how does your self esteem cope when your dh/ so is attracted to younger women.

[pinkviscose]

Just that really, both in our 40s, married 22 years, dh preference for porn is college age girls. Also have noticed him glancing girls this age when out together, not leering but he's clearly attracted. I've post baby weight and show my age. I obviously have low self esteem and feel terrible that I'm made to feel in "competition" with much younger women. I know it's normal for men to find young women attractive but for me it's so disappointing that my dh has down graded our age group in his sexual tastes and prefers to look at girls more then half his age. Is this just my problem? How do I make myself feel better and not sexually inadequate? Any thoughts, advice?

Looking is one thing - I find my eye drawn to attractive people as I’m walking down the street, male or female. Sometimes people with confidence just exude a kind of aura that makes them catch your eye.

However, gawping is another thing. Its one thing to momentarily glance, even appreciate a good looking person (my DP will also notice good looking men and probably compares himself to them too) but if he is literally turning his head to gawp that’s disrespectful to you, to the women/girls he leering at and to himself for showing up what an old lech he is in public.

Same with porn - I don’t think your DP should be necessarily be restricted to watching milfs to stop you feeling jealous, however if he’s actively searching ‘college girls’ then for me that speaks of a worrying penchant for young-looking women, or worse, girls. That’s grim and he needs to stop. Sadly porn is littered with daddy/step dad bullshit and grown women in school uniforms pretending to be younger than they are. Any man watching porn will stumble across this crap but if he’s actively searching it out then he’s got issues.

I'd be considering whether I was actually attracted to him as nothing would turn me off more than my husband looking at very young women online and having to stop himself looking at them when out and about.

I get it, we all look. Human nature. Why does your attention have to be brought to this? Do his eyes have to fall out of his head? Why even tell you he will try not to look when you're out and about?

I'd be cringing, for HIM.

This isn't you with the problem, put it like that

Fucking grim. It's one thing to be attracted to someone as they're walking along, but if you're looking and leering enough that other people can see it that's really disrespectful to the person you're with as well as the poor attractive sod who doesn't want to know if the old letch she's walking past is aroused by her appearance. I'd be really put off by such shitty and tragic behaviour. I'm glad he's finally decided to behave in public - it's pretty piss poor you had to tell him to do that though.

To answer the actual question, I don't have this on my mind because dh doesn't show any interest in young women (or any other women), he'd be out on his arse if he did. Now we're this age, I think we have both come to realise that a life partner and a good relationship is just so much more important than how someone looks. Life changes and you move forward together through all the stages.

Your dh sounds like a prick and it seems to be destroying your self esteem.

Everybody ignoring the bit where OP says he's stopped doing it then.

And did you miss this bit??

Thanks all for your replies. He's made me feel it's me that's the problem for years and I've come to believe him and just felt shit in myself. He's a good dad and good provider and otherwise we get on well together, is this a reason to leave? Even though he says he's cut out the porn, I have my doubts because he's lied to me before.

If he's stopped doing it then everything is ok, yeah ?

Except it isn't. Because op is still asking for support on an online forum.

A previous liar who makes his wife feels like it's her fault.

I didn't ignore the bit where he said he'd stop doing it. I question why she even had to know about this in the first place. If my husband spits an attractive women and looks at her then great. Crack on. Just try and make sure I don't know about it and just as importantly, the other woman doesn't either

We all look. It's the making it known that's the issue

*spots

Yukk. I’d be put off him to be honest

He's a piece of work isn't he OP... sadly He is a creep lovely

I would be getting my ducks in a row. Even though most women that age wouldn't touch a guy his age with a barge pole, there are always some who will, and who won't have the maturity or morals to understand how damaging an affair with a married man can be. I wouldn't gamble on him not doing a runner with one of them one day.

You mention children. Are they teens yet? What if he leers at their female mates/girlfriends when they're 16-18? Could be very awkward for them. Daft old fool.

I am 50 and been married for 30 years. for the last couple of years i havee had to endure my husband ogling just about every young woman in every enviroment. My self esteem has been shot to pieces , was always fragile i suppose. He is 55. It makes me cringe. I dread going out with him in public as I feel so old and ugly. I feel he compares me to all these young women. I obviously cannot compete. I know it is his problem and he is free to do as he likes. he keeps saying we should go on holiday etc, but I dont think I can do it. Every time I see a pretty girl I think oh he would be attracted to her. So I avoid going out too much. I know I should pull myself together but I dont feel strong at all. I am obviously older looking and almost invisible and I just want to cry tbh. So yes I can totally relate to how you feel. When we were young he always said i was gorgeous.

Your worth as a human being isn't dependent on whether a man is attracted to you exclusively.

You are not always going to be pretty or young, and neither is your h. That's part of life and aging, no? Is it not better to be ok with that, than to tie yourself in knots over what is plain, ethically-neutral reality? You can't make human sexuality go away. If it does go away it's a sign something is probably wrong...

We are animals. Its normal to be attracted to all kinds of people, and more than normal to find younger people attractive to look at. It's not a reflection on you or him or anyone.

You say he has form for lying - that's much more concerning than him thinking younger women are gorgeous. The latter is a sign of health really...

He's already trying not to look in front of you. You don't seem to be describing leering behaviour, is he generally discreet but you can tell what he's doing, type of thing? If that's already the case, I would turn my gaze inward a bit and maybe start working on not having my self worth dependent on a man looking at me sexually to the exclusion of all others.

If he IS actually leering...
That's different, it's a sign he's a cunt and I'd probably be relooking whether I want the relationship at all the.

I don't know that this is normal for men, it sounds creepy and a bit sad to me.

I'd find it hard to be attracted to a sad middle aged teen-porn-watching pervy loser, but maybe that's just me

This must happen a lot, most of it goes unseen I am sure, I'm in early 30s , I cringe when I see older men leering at me when with their wives its so embarrassing and I always feel so bad for the wives, and it makes me really awkward actually. I have seen my own dh have a sneaky glance at an attractive arse that might pass but I think to myself, what about the times I've gotten honked at or noticed someone peeping at me, I try not to let it bother me, always going to be someone more or less attractive than you, you need to work on your own self esteem. I hung around with a girl years ago who you wouldn't call a looker, but men seemed to be drawn to her and no matter who was out with her, no matter how good looking or fine a body anyone else had, the men seemed to love her, I reckon it was her winning smile and her confidence . Fair play to her.

We’ve all seen these rubberneckers and one always feels so sorry for their partners.

I am 46 and I'll absolutely notice good looking lads out and about, I don't think its pervy I think its biologically completely natural for sexual beings which is exactly what humans are.

I’m 47 and I really don’t notice 20something men - they’re not on my radar. If I do encounter a good looking boy - it’s only in a detached non-sexual way. I see them as kids basically.

To be fair, op specifically says that he's 'not leering' and that he's cut out porn and tries not to notice other women when they're out together.

I don't like the reference to him lying in the past, but I'll reserve judgement until I know what he lied about, because I've certainly lied myself before now.

He could be a creepy leering perv, or op might just be struggling, as many of us do, with the ageing process. I suppose he's not going to stop noticing, and if op is finely tuned to notice even the briefest of glances, then they might just be incompatible.

Help me understand because to me this is fatalistic.

If you feel there is "competition" then I would do something about it and try to recapture OH's attention.

If not, if you're not interested in the flirting game any longer then let it go.

If feels that just because your interest in such matters has gone then so should his.

Does this make sense?

*@bunchofdrapes
*
*Help me understand because to me this is fatalistic.

If you feel there is "competition" then I would do something about it and try to recapture OH's attention.

If not, if you're not interested in the flirting game any longer then let it go.

If feels that just because your interest in such matters has gone then so should his.

Does this make sense?*

Absolutely none at all

God, I went out with someone for a short while who I worked out was into the college-age porn thing OP. I'd never come across this before and didn't know what to make of it. He had been married for a long time at one point so I thought he was a decent man. Honestly, I soon realised he was really a sexual creep, and a perv too with some odd sexual tastes I was a bit naieve though .

Maybe your OH's not like that. I don't know. Only you do.

But if he is ...

What do you think of him otherwise? Is he respectful of you? Does he like you? Admire you? Is he good company? Loving?

Thanks for all the reply's,

In answer to some of the questions, and again sorry for drip feeding here,

Yes we have 2 daughters in their very late teens so I believe this is an important factor in my disappointment and just feeling so ew about it.

Also when I said baby weight I was actually meaning baby weight, I'm currently breastfeeding 4 week old (long story but not relevant I believe) so I don't feel ready to be down the gym yet, although I do appreciate the advice to start looking after myself physically, for my own self esteem.

As said in my OP, he was never leery, but I was seeing him glance at that age group of girls and never women our own age. I'm not unreasonable and wouldn't mind him snatching the odd glance at an attractive woman 30 plus say. And I'd kind of naively expected since we have daughters late teens he would naturally loose interest sexually in the college girl age group, but obviously not and that's what I have to deal with now.

I'm stuck, and have no idea what to do. The reply's here have helped me clarify my feelings and helped me see INBU, feeling the way I do about it all, so again thanks for weighing in.

cringefest- What do you think of him otherwise? Is he respectful of you? Does he like you? Admire you? Is he good company? Loving?

He's all of these things, and that's what makes it so hard to reconcile all this.