Female advice required about sex (or lack of)

[ThomasUK34]

Dear Mumsnet, I'm after some advice.

I'm a long time lurker, I'm 34 and I've been in a pretty stable and loving relationship for eight years and we have two kids.

But theres a problem, we don't have sex anymore, in-fact, we've not had sex for eight months. I'm pretty confident she isn't having an affair, and seems happy enough, but just doesn't want to have sex.
I've tried talking about it and even suggested seeing a councillor but she thinks its silly, she just doesn't want to have sex anymore.

This is a bit of a problem for me and it may sound selfish, I don't like the thoughts of going another eight months without sex.
So what are my options? I don't want to break my family up, I love my life and (I think) she loves me. I also love my kids.

She won't see anyone about it, and changes the subject when I bring it up.
Do I see an escort to satisfy that itch? It feels very wrong, but if it keeps our family together, is it?
Would I even be able to handle the potential guilt if i did, and would my wife understand if she found out? (I wouldn't blame her if she wouldn't!).

I have no idea what to do.

Thoughts?

I love my life that should say, not life! doh!

*wife, goddamn it I'm being silly tonight, its Friday.

How old are your kids?

No. That’s disgusting.
Go for counselling.

Tell her it’s becoming a big enough problem to make you want to seek sex elsewhere. If it were me, I’d want to know.

Then ask her again to go for counselling. There’s obviously a reason she doesn’t want it anymore.

Hi!

@MeanTangerine 2 and 6

@failing4567 did you read my post? I really, really, want too, any advice how to get my other half to counselling?

How old are the dc? If they're still small, and she's breastfeeding etc, it can take time to recover interest in sex.

Have a talk again and don't let it go at "it's silly". It's a dealbreaker. If she's not interested in sex ever again, or would like to resume a sexlife but is exhausted or needs medical assistance, then encourage her to do so.

Of course you shouldn't see a prostitute - you might as well just get a divorce. Jeez

It’s not fair to expect a partner to go without sex indefinitely in a relationship. I couldn’t cope and my DH would most certainly not be able to. Don’t use an escort but you do need to speak to her about it again (and again if she ignores it/changes the subject)

Sorry missed a bit off my sentence in the middle: If she's not interested in sex ever again, then you could talk about whether an open relatioonship is a possibility or whether you'd be better trying to split amicably.

Imo you need to give your dw the tools to feel more up for it.
These tools include lots of help with the dc,lie ins, make sure she has time to herself to relax, time away from the home /dc, if you know she is unhappy wifh her post baby body would she like a gym membership? Def not imply she needs one though!!.
Remind her you know she is still a gorgeous dw and not just a dm in your yes too!

I assume you’re not going to drip feed that dc is 6 months old?
If it’s not somethign like that you need to understand are the reasons that your wife is too tired and feels like she is doing It all at home or treated like the default parent? Could she have low iron levels etc? If there is none of these you need at least to be honest with your wife rather than sneaking off to an escort.

What contraception are you using? I found that both when pill and the mirena coil killed my libido stone dead. After dh had a vasectomy and I could stop hormonal contraception it came back with a vengeance!

The pill, not when pill.

OP, the lack of sex has to stem from somewhere. It usually coincides with being exhausted, taken for granted and disrespected. Why would anyone fancy someone who doesn’t pull their weight, who doesn’t look at their partner and says: geez, you look shattered, let me run you a bath, I’ll do the kitchen tonight.
Why would anyone fancy someone who EXPECTS (dinner/clean clothes/shopping done/house cleaned etc).
Why would anyone fancy someone who forgot what they like, be it a little chocolate, a book, a theatre ticket? Someone who doesn’t compliment, someone who has stopped seeing her as a person and thinks she’s his mother too?

I’m not saying you are/do. But 99% of the time that’s why sex falls to the bottom of the list.

Agree that it's not OK for her to just bat this away with 'it's silly'. It is not silly to want sex aged 34. Presumably you had a sex life before? Nothing stays still in life but it should be possible to accommodate change without losing a vast chunk of your marriage.

You need to keep saying that it matters. What would she do if you said to her that you must be able to talk about this, that you have booked a babysitter and a counselling appointment and you are ready to go?

I would go through the obvious reasons for change - young children, hormonal contraception, unresolved birth injury, depression, anger/resentment, body image concerns, previous or current lack of pleasure in sex. What has changed in your lives?

To be honest I think for a lot of women, once they have the husband and the kids all sown up, it can be a relief to not have to bother with all that sex stuff again.

I mean sex isn't exactly set up in society in women's favour; you have to spend forever preening yourself, wondering if you look good enough, being compared to others, being judged for doing it, being judged for not doing it, being judged for "how well" you do it, will he call? Does he like me? And what do you even get out of it is the default pleasure in sex is meant to be a man's? It's no wonder so many women are relieved to feel their sexy days are behind them!

I guess that means though OP that at least it might not be that she doesn't want sex with you and that she simply doesn't want it at all - just like she says.

I think counseling would probably help, but you can't make her go. Somehow I suppose you have to try and "sell" the idea of exploring her own sexuality again - for both your sakes - and show her that now from a position of security there can truly be so much in it for her. Sex is fun! She deserves to explore it and herself to their fullest. I wish I could give you better advice on how to get there, but as others have said, I suppose it all starts with a cards-on-the-table talk.

Why the fuck would you be interested in paying a woman for sex? That's utterly sleazy and dire.

If your wife is happy and things don't change, you will either need to have an open relationship or, more likely, split up.

There is usually a reason so keep digging and you will find the thing that is stopping her from wanting you. Emotional affair, gay, doesn't like you because she's seen you in a different light since you had kids and realised you are selfish, etc etc.

Just as an aside, if you are into escorts as a viable option, do you also watch porn? Does your wife know, and is she happy with it? What was your sex life like before this happened, did anything happen around the time she stopped wanting it i.e was it sudden or a slow change with longer and longer gaps between sex?

You'll definitely be able to get to the bottom of this, you just may not like what you find when you understand what's what.

Not necessarily true about getting to the bottom of it. I've been "why chasing" for years and haven't.

Just another warning that things may not improve, and your future may be beset with difficult choices. Always remember though that you own those choices, you are not forced into them even I'd sometimes it feels that way.

PS prostitutes should never be considered.

I'd should be if it.

Shite, just realised you wanted female advice, ignore me.

You have to talk to her again. If what she is saying is that she doesn't want to have sex again then you have a choice to make.
If she does want to sort this out then you need an honest conversation about how to increase some levels of intimacy that she is comfortable with.

I stopped wanting sex with my partner when he became totally distant emotionally. There's usually a reason. Ffs don't use an escort, that's disgusting. Use the money for counselling. And talk to your partner.

God, I know how you feel. I am female, and have this problem with my husband. I would like sex 3 times a week, I swear to god he could go without for weeks and weeks.

I have recently told him, that unless he steps up his game, I'm leaving him, as I need a man to fuck me, putting it frankly.

That was about a week ago, and he shagged me shortly thereafter. No idea if there will be a repeat performance, or whether tumble weed will blow by, as I suspect he will "forget" to follow up.

Kill me now...........

Posted these once today already - but both are equally relevant here OP.
But before you check them out - think also about:
Shared housework
Shared childcare
Shared responsibilities for household, bills, chores, holidays
How young are your children? if she still breastfeeding you are a dick!
Have you been abusive ( shouting name calling threatening etc)
Are you affectionate without expecting I to turn to sex?
Do you make her feel loved - and how?
Don’t ever talk about seeking out prostitutes again - you know anyway that it would not offer any kind of resolution - only something temporary, followed by disappointment, disgust and long term guilt! It is not what you seek and it will not give you fulfilment.

Here are the two info vids

m.youtube.com/watch?v=tSs2dXDf1Zs

m.youtube.com/watch?v=d079McwlBRE

Good luck OP

I think often in these situations it’s not so much a sex issue, it’s an intimacy issue. How often do you talk, like really talk? Not about the kids, or what’s for tea, or about whose turn it is to take the bins out.
About who you are, what you desire, where you are going together?
Those are the things that make the difference.
It’s not physical. It’s emotional. Paying someone to scratch the itch won’t help.