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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Female advice required about sex (or lack of)

45 replies

ThomasUK34 · 11/05/2018 20:53

Dear Mumsnet, I'm after some advice.

I'm a long time lurker, I'm 34 and I've been in a pretty stable and loving relationship for eight years and we have two kids.

But theres a problem, we don't have sex anymore, in-fact, we've not had sex for eight months. I'm pretty confident she isn't having an affair, and seems happy enough, but just doesn't want to have sex.
I've tried talking about it and even suggested seeing a councillor but she thinks its silly, she just doesn't want to have sex anymore.

This is a bit of a problem for me and it may sound selfish, I don't like the thoughts of going another eight months without sex.
So what are my options? I don't want to break my family up, I love my life and (I think) she loves me. I also love my kids.

She won't see anyone about it, and changes the subject when I bring it up.
Do I see an escort to satisfy that itch? It feels very wrong, but if it keeps our family together, is it?
Would I even be able to handle the potential guilt if i did, and would my wife understand if she found out? (I wouldn't blame her if she wouldn't!).

I have no idea what to do.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

Choosegopse · 11/05/2018 22:40

Read the latest Isobel Losada book about female sexuality and get your wife too as well.

Choosegopse · 11/05/2018 22:42

And you need to get some time alone away from the kids to reconnect, before you bring it up again. I suspect there is a lot more she wants to say to you but is afraid too hence batting away the question.

Wildlingofthewest · 11/05/2018 22:43

Please forget about paying for sex - it’s fucking disgusting and disrespectful to your wife.

Are you intimate in other ways? Do you kiss, cuddle etc?

She may be feeling tired/stressed.

Or maybe that she is feeling self conscious- has she put on weight?

Try to take this back a notch

Plan and prepare a meal, a bottle of wine

Have a date with her? Re connect but don’t put any pressure on her for sex

Talk, tell her how you feel. Tell her you love her and fancy her and that you miss her. Be quiet and listen to what she says.

SittingAround1 · 11/05/2018 22:43

What were the births like? She may still be having problems down there.

I suggest you talk to her in general about how she is feeling. If she's tired, stressed or feeling unattractive then she's not going to want to have sex until that's resolved.
You need to make time to spend some quality time together without putting pressure for sex on her.

Scott72 · 12/05/2018 02:34

How about telling her you'll take sex completely off the table for say 3 months. And at the end of that 3 months she doesn't "have" to have sex, you'll just be seeing how she feels and if she still doesn't feel like it extend that period another 3 months etc.

Of course you can't continue this indefinitely. If after a year or more and despite your bests efforts she still doesn't want sex and doesn't even want to talk about it, then its time to reconsider if you want to stay married or not.

Monty27 · 12/05/2018 03:29

She's probably up to her neck with being a a parent.
Look at your own behaviour.
Are you a hands on parent?
It's team work.
Does she feel special and loved?
She may feel like a workhorse in which case you need to raise your game

differentnameforthis · 12/05/2018 03:55

How old are the children?
Have you asked her what's wrong?
Do you do your share with the children?
When did she last have a complete break from you & your dc? And I don't mean a quick cuppa in the bath/bed/lie in

Do I see an escort to satisfy that itch? What kind of husband and father are you that this would even be a fucking consideration?

You do know your balls won't drop off if it doesn't get put into a vagina, don't you?

Sally2791 · 12/05/2018 06:13

Some very good suggestions here. I would just say that although I have a high sex drive, any feeling of obligation would turn me right off. Do you keep badgering for sex but not showing affection?

Ohkermy · 12/05/2018 08:32

Firstly, the very fact you have referred to paying a prostitute raises alarm for me. If you decide to go down that (frankly hideous) route then you have to tell your wife and give her the chance to leave you. If you do that secretly then you are a spineless twat.

Onemansoapopera · 12/05/2018 09:38

You don't get to take unilateral decisions in a marriage and sex is a massive part of marriage. Your wife has decided you are not having sex again. She won't engage in a conversation and that is wrong.

You need to leave or agree an open relationship.

Original poster

ThomasUK34 · 12/05/2018 13:30

first of all THANK YOU ALL for the advice, I really appreciate it!
Some have been assuming a number of things (which is expected given the lack of information).

Just some extra info....

I'm a very hands-on dad, both in terms of child-care and household chores
Everything is 50-50, from washing the kids to washing the clothes
I cook and wash-up every evening when I get home from work (I'm a better cook ya'see)
I work full time, my better half works part-time
I take the oldest to school, she takes the youngest to nursery
we are still affectionate, from cuddles on the sofa to writing notes telling her how much I love her when I leave - she just doesn't want sex

The escort idea come from a female friend of mine, she is an escort and I've known her since school (over 20 years, and no, before anyone asked, no-way I would go near her, she is like a sister to me and that would just be wrong!). She's been an escort for over seven years and suggested it.

As I mentioned in the original post, I think the guilt would be too much, but I will admit it is something I did think about.

OP posts:

DuchyDuke · 12/05/2018 13:34

Tell your wife it’s become a big enough problem that you consider it a dealbreaker if she doesn’t at least go to counselling. If she still says no, then I would personally leave. No amount of other stuff in a relationship can make up a lack of sex if there’s a mismatch. You deserve to find someone who loves you enough to have sex with you.

Wildlingofthewest · 12/05/2018 13:38

What does she say when you try to talk to her about it?

Could you suggest other things instead of sex - maybe a massage, having a bath together, using sex toys?

She needs to open up and tell you what the issue is

Can you write this all down in a letter to her, asking her to let you know what’s changed?

Ohkermy · 12/05/2018 13:59

Your female friend clearly has very little respect for your wife, but then again if she is an escort then she is used to enabling cheaters.

Please talk to your wife again and tell her what you have said here- she may agree to an open relationship. Please avoid the use of prostitites like the plague though.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 12/05/2018 15:23

I have been in the same position as your wife .
Children of similar ages. My issue was the kids, I felt overwhelmed and touched out at the end of the day and all I wanted to do was be alone with no one touching me or demanding things from me. Having a 2 year old who would randomly come into our room during the night really affected my ability to relax, it just wasn't happening.

My husband was amazing, he was great with the kids and gave me loads of space.
We went away with out the kids and it made such a difference.
Keep talking to her. Keep doing little things.
The escort idea is awful.

loveyoutothemoon · 12/05/2018 15:36

So any escort other than your friend one wouldn't be wrong then?

PippiLongstromp · 12/05/2018 17:04

There are so many threads on MN like this one (try browse through both Relationship and Sex threads), but I actually think the quality of replies here are a lot better than usual! It's given me a lot to think about as well..

Newerversion · 13/05/2018 11:17

If you go down the route of using escorts be prepared to change your wife’s view of you and for her ability to respect you to change too. I would advise you not to do it, but sadly I also know from experience that many men do. The very fact you are considering it says a lot.

BuntyII · 13/05/2018 11:29

'- Everything is 50-50, from washing the kids to washing the clothes'

You haven't acknowledged the mental load. Everything is not 50-50. You may think it is but it isn't. Read this.

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

She probably doesn't want sex with you because she's exhausted and resents you.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 13/05/2018 11:46

I am the same as bogwitch- my kids are 2 and 6 and I'm so exhausted at the end of the day I don't want to know. I'd rather do it in the morning but can't for fear of the kids bursting in. I'm planning to put a bolt on the inside of our door so we can have a few seconds to be presentable if one of them wants to come in rather than be surprised iykwim. I'm also organising reciprocal child-free nights with my sister, so fingers crossed we get a date night with a lie in!!

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