Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend wants me to be my best friend ?

28 replies

Cantspellbutimmagic · 11/05/2018 06:47

I have a good friend I have been there for her through lots of her struggles and I have been very good to her. (I’ll call her A).

A girl ( I’ll call her B) I met a short time after her is my best friend for 7 years now. I thought that was pretty obvious to anyone that knows us
But girl A is extremely possessive and is always referring to me being her best friend ..... however she is not mine. Nor do I ever respond to her comments
She makes statements on my social media like she’s trying to mark her territory and warn girl B off

I can’t dump girl A as she really really needs a friend and I do like her. So I have done my best to ignore her small jibes over the years
She has had about 4 best friends over this time, so I didn’t think much of it

However she’s been dumped by her other “ best mates “ in the last year. And I have really seen the possessiveness escalate. Strings of manipulating messages and harassment. Direct confrontation asking why my friendship with girl B is stronger than hers. Then asking me to explain myself .
I don’t feel I should have too explain myself I have never changed my friendship to her.

I have noticed reactions to social media , and I feel if I change my behavior or hide her from my posts with girl B then she’s winning or then I’m being a bad friend ?

I can’t leave girl A ... she needs me . But I find the possessiveness and confrontation hard to Handel . Being accused of being a fake friend and a user and she won’t be a second rate friend ?

Is this normal behavior - I have never heard of such stuff before ? What do I do ?

(Explaining nicely isn’t working and I can’t dump her )

It feels so childish but I don’t want to upset anyone either

I just want to be a good person and friend :(

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 11/05/2018 07:00

How nicely have you tried to explain?
Maybe you need to be more blunt?
What do you get from the friendship?

MeanTangerine · 11/05/2018 07:01

it feels so childish
There's a really good reason for that.

Personally I would avoid girl A like the plague, as she sounds like a royal pain in the backside. She doesn't need you - if you moved to Australia (making the assumption you aren't there already) she would cope. She'd find someone else.

The problem you have is your desire to be "a good person and a friend", which is nice and understandable. However, it is OK to have boundaries and it is OK to stick up for yourself. Girl A is not being nice to you and you don't have to put up with it.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 11/05/2018 07:04

I had this problem at school (are you young?) And there is no easy solution...

I ended up losing my best friend due to game playing and claim staking by wannabe best friend. I was too weak to stand up for my real best friend. Saying that, I was 13. Would not let that happen now!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/05/2018 07:06

Your friend A is anything but and is a frenemy, she is someone who has latched onto you to use and manipulate you for her own ends. Why do you at all like this person?. There is no obligation to you to remain friends with A because she has brought nothing but bother into your life and is projecting her own stuff onto you. It is she who is the user and fake friend.

A needs you far more than you need her and you would be better off without A in your life at all. You were not put here to rescue and or save people, you cannot and must never act as a rescuer or saviour in any relationship.

Singlenotsingle · 11/05/2018 07:09

Sounds like something out of the playground! My dil is a very popular person and she calls all her friends "best” friends. (She's got about six BF's.) It sounds as though your girl A is letting it get all out of proportion though, and maybe you should tell her that she risks losing you altogether unless she backs off.

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 11/05/2018 07:09

Maybe you all need to drop 'best friend' from your vocabulary because you are not 12.

Just have different relationships with different people. Stop trying to create a hierarchy.

redcarbluecar · 11/05/2018 07:15

Whilst this is easier said than done, would it be possible to tell A straight that you’re finding her behaviour difficult/draining and that the friendship can’t carry on in this way? This might encourage her to either change her approach (perhaps she’d be shocked into actually having a look at herself) or dropping the friendship which might not be a bad thing. It doesn’t sound as if things can reasonably carry on as they are, however nice you try to be.

somanyfeministsthesedays · 11/05/2018 07:20

Friend A may need you but you don't need he, start to back away from her for your own good.

Lougle · 11/05/2018 07:22

You're an adult (I presume). You have friends. Some may be closer than others for different reasons, shared histories, one major event that you went through together, a shared interest, a sense of humour in common, etc., but you don't have to classify them.

I am not a massively social person (understatement) but I have a little clutch of people who I would consider friends, which I have gathered from all sorts of situations over the last couple of decades. Some of them, I can go months with no contact at all, but then I see them and it's just like we've been having coffee every week.

Relax. Tone down the social media posts in general. Tell A that you think she's great (if you do) but that you're happy having more than one friend. How does friend B feel? Are they bothered by A? Can you invite A to join you and B for drinks?

Imchlibob · 11/05/2018 07:25

Someone needing you is not the same as friendship.

Someone who is your friend has no problem with you having other friends.

Friends do not own each other. People are not possessions. How dare she think she can warn someone else off.

Stop being so "nice" - it's not healthy. Have self-respect instead. That doesn't mean never be nice or kind, of course you should think of others too, but you seem to have no boundaries of self-worth here.

Sometimes you do have to be cruel to be kind. Say to A "if you seriously want me to choose between B or you, I choose B. If you want to stay friends then stop being so awful."

metalmum15 · 11/05/2018 07:28

I've never understood why adults continue to put up with the same dramas from friends that they put up with in school. Your post reads like something my 13 year old tells me about on a weekly basis. Surround yourself with good friends, not 'bffs' and get rid of those who are only interested in creating friction and drama. She doesn't 'need' you, she just needs someone to play out her drama llama life with.

StorminaBcup · 11/05/2018 07:29

Is this normal behavior

Jostling for best friend position is perfectly normal.....if you are 8. Otherwise no. Sounds like you all need to grow up!

Cassiopie · 11/05/2018 07:30

Not normal behaviour. I'm 27 and haven't used the term 'best friend' for years... sounds like you all need to grow up a little!

Topseyt · 11/05/2018 07:31

I'd be willing to bet that A has been dumped by her other best friends for similar reasons.

You need to be very blunt with her rather than nice. Tell her straight that if she cannot stop this childish school playground behaviour then you will have no choice but to end the friendship.

Tell her too that she doesn't get to dictate who your other friends are.

snewname · 11/05/2018 07:35

You have to be direct and tell her that her comments and actions mean that you are backing off more, rather than having the effect she is trying to achieve.
Tbh I couldn't be dealing with that sort of childish behaviour.

But you shouldn't be talking about people being best friends either. Talk in terms of having several good friends.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 11/05/2018 07:40

How old are you OP?

Angelf1sh · 11/05/2018 07:40

Are you all 9 years old? Because this sounds like you’re all 9 years old.

If you genuinely like A and get enjoyment from spending time with her and still actually want to be her friend then you need to sit her down and directly tell her that she doesn’t own you. You’re entitled to have friends other than her and it’s perfectly ok for your strength of friendship to be stronger for them than for her. That’s not a rejection of her, you still like her but you also like others. There’s no such thing as a monogamous friendship. It’s also fine for you to be her best friend without her being yours because friendships are rarely entirely equally matched.

If, however, you don’t actually enjoy the time you spend together or if she refuses to listen to your version of the above paragraph, you in fact can dump her. Previously having been friends with someone doesn’t require you to remain friends forever. The fact that others have dumped her recently is probably a reflection of her generallly poor behaviour and in no way compels you to fill the friend gap. She’s not your responsibility and if she’s all take and no give then she’s not worth the hard work you’re putting in and you’d do well to get rid.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 11/05/2018 07:45

Of course you can cut her loose and you should. You don’t have to answer to her and anyone calling me a user would be dumped. She needs a friend...? Yep, then she should appreciate & value people and not act like she owns them. She needs to BE a friend, not a manipulative butch, then she might have friends.

GU24Mum · 11/05/2018 07:49

You absolutely don't have to "explain yourself" to A other than by saying that you're a grown adult and have several good friends who you don't rank (at least not to the outside world). I agree with others that A is looking like turning into a real burden so I'd explain to her that she's making you feel very uncomfortable and if she only wants you as a best friend or nothing then it's got to be nothing.

Some people (albeit typically primary school children......!) have to have a best friend and are very possessive of them. Invariably the best friend ends up feeling isolated and suffocated as other people stay away as they can't put up with competing for friendship. Assuming you don't want A to be your only friend, I'd try and extricate yourself. If A manages to "win the battle with B, she'll start on C next....

junebirthdaygirl · 11/05/2018 08:00

I bloody hate all that best friend stuff. I have lots of friends. Spend time with them together and separately. Some don't even know each other. Some go back years. None are my best friend as they all have lots of friends too.
I am not on facebpok but if l saw anyone over 10 saying anything about my best friend l would think grow up for goodness sake and quit that stuff. It just serves to make people feel left out.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 11/05/2018 08:27

This reminds me of the playground when I was 7.

user1495884620 · 11/05/2018 08:42

Have you tried telling her that if she is mean to you, you won't invite her to your birthday party?

hellsbellsmelons · 11/05/2018 08:45

But I find the possessiveness and confrontation hard to Handel
This is what you need to tell her.
You like her and like having her as a friend but if this childish crap doesn't stop then you won't be keeping in contact with her anymore.
Tell her she is not the be all and end all of your life. That you are allowed other friends and a life outside of 'her'.
I think you need 'woman' up and tell her straight.
If she can't handle that, then that's her issue.

metalmum15 · 11/05/2018 08:59

Are you all 9 years old 😆

DragonNoodleCake · 11/05/2018 09:07

Grown women can and do have friendships with lots of people, possessive behaviour puts a strain on a friendship. Please stop doing it.

^say this

Swipe left for the next trending thread