I need a second opinion

[Toffeetooth]

DP and I have been together 11 years. We have 2 children, 5 and 6. I work in stressful, responsible job with quite long hours at time, though flexibly so I can ensure I see kids. At present DP is not working and has been trying to set up a business for the last 3 years. I'm not sure how well this will work but there is some viability to it I think. It certainly does not take up all his time. It does take up a fair amount of money! In addition, I do majority of housework, most of the other wifework(if badly!)) And probably more than half the childcare. I sort out appointments, school stuff, do the homework and am the one to organise and take them out at the weekend. DP disagrees. I am disorganized but he is worse and is one of those who is always more ill or tired than I might be at any given point and would never get anything done if I didn't nag. He has also started taking it out on the DC, ignoring their requests for help, shouting at them if we are late and even shoving DS off the sofa when he was cross with DS annoying him.
Work has been terrible of late, I leave early (just about persuaded DP to do most of the morning stuff for kids but he still needs assistance), pick up kids after school, feed them, plonk them in front of TV as I'm so tired, get them to bed and then work sometimes until 2 or 3 am. I have no social life or free time. DP does. He has not picked up a single bit more household tasks during this time claiming he needs thinking time for the business.
I have got so exhausted both the kids and work are suffering. The house is a tip. I have considered reducing my hours but suspect that will not solve the issue or my resentment that he hasn't helped at a point where I really needed him.
I have to continually check that I am not being unreasonable as maybe he does need thinking time (his business is a creative business so maybe). I'm not great at keeping house either so maybe my standards are too high or I should just do it myself.
An IRL friend thinks he is taking the piss but that maybe it is solvable if I make my feelings clear enough or even threaten to leave to wake him up. This friend also points out I have form for picking the wrong guy (previous abusive relationship) I feel I have explained how I feel many times, sometimes with acknowledgement from DP I am right and he will change but he hasn't.

Has anyone solved an issue like this? It sounds worse written down in some ways but either way I can't carry on like this. It's affecting the kids and I am not happy living like this.

I should also say thanks in advance for any thoughts. I am so busy I may not be very quick at replying but I appreciate it!

Surely doing housework provides thinking time?! How much of his brain does he need to wash dishes, vacuum, sweep the floor, make the beds etc?!

Could you write a list of everything that needs doing and then agree that you both have a day off to tackle it all so that you're back at a neutral point. Then you need to draw up a plan for going forward, so that it doesn't all fall on you.

He’s had 3 years of thinking time. He is absolutely taking the piss. At the very least he should be doing school pick up/drop off and everything kids need like play dates/appointments and pushing the hoover round twice a week, keep toilets clean (takes half hour each day) and putting bins out daily and emptying/loading dishwasher. Those tasks take me an hour. Whizz it all quickly and doesn’t have to be perfect but is keeping on top of it. Could you speak to him and say you want an agreement that he starts work on the business at 10am every day. 9-10 is daily housework chores and give him a clear list of what needs doing. He can’t just sit at home and not do anything. Also, if the business isn’t making money after 3 years then time to knock it on the head or he gets a job 3 days a week and business “thinking” two days a week. The current set up is not acceptable. You might as well be single! You’d spend less money on groceries, could downsize/make life expenses cheaper and get a cleaner in once a week! Plus he’d have kids every other weekend so you’d get some time to yourself!!

Sounds like he is completely taking the piss.

He doesnt even sound like he is doing the role of a stay at home dad it sounds more like he is one of the children adding to your burdens.

Yes Im sure it sounds worse to you writting it down because its a case of looking at the situation over all rather than just one day at a time in isolation where you can minimise it.

I know how that one goes in a small way, e.g you come home to find oh has dumped their socks on the floor next to the wash basket and you resent picking them up. Thrn you think why get angry its just socks. So you let it slide then one day you step back and realise nope its not just socks it the whole f'ing house.

Options are:
(a)discuss it, timetable change,in the form of pulling his weight.
If you dont see it get an intervention e.g someone he respects to talk things through with him.If its a recent change and he wasnt like this before maybe hes depressed etc.
Failing that counselling is an opportunity to discuss issues in front of someone who wont let the minimisation go but may give you both strategies to find middle ground.

(B) put up with being miserable and exhausted for ever. Watching the kids grow up to be agressive in response to his poor parenting skills ( shoving a 5 or 6year old of the sofa in a strop is not on). Also watch them become either poor partners or put upon ones in response to the examples set unconsciously by your unbalanced dynamic.

(c) leave

He's taking the Mick. Sadly I have found that men live down to the lowest expectations of them. Expect much more and tell him. If he doesn't change don't waste your time hanging around

Thank you all. I have tried most of the above is trying to agree a division of work, trying to get him to have defined tasks, explaining why it's affecting me. I doubt he will agree to counselling but that might be worth a try. Sometimes things improve for a couple of days or a week or so but then we are back at the beginning again. He definitely isn't depressed and often comments how much he likes his life. I think he has always been like this it's just my work has got harder so I can no longer cope. And my final straw has been his behaviour to the children. I can't tolerate that and I can already see my daughter is anxious and my son angry.

It's also hard to try to get him to grasp I'm serious and I wonder if some of it is me not setting high enough expectations. I have another friend at work who has recognised I'm struggling there and has has put so much work into trying to help me catch up and work more efficiently as exhaustion has followed me there too. Things feel transformed there over the last month as a result and I'm left seeing similar patterns at home (I delegate badly and tend to take on everyone's work, cant say no and apparently I am being bullied without even realising it).

Sounds like you'd have a calmer home without him. His behaviour towards the dc makes me think you need to get him out.

If your children have reached that stage id be going with family therapy or him packing his bags.

However if auch decisions are difficult to make and stick what about individual counselling to help you figure it all out.

Does your workplace have an employee assistance programme ?
You can often access counselling free and in confidence via such things.

This man needs to be gone from your life as of today; he is nothing but a total leech on your existence and he's also affecting the way your children behave too. This is not the relationship model they should be learning here. He does not respect you or care for you in any way; he continues to take the piss here and sadly to date you have allowed him to do this. He has in you a ready made slave and he is not going to let you out of that role at all easily.

What do you get out of this relationship now with this person?. What is in this still for you?. You've been far too accommodating of him due in part to being unable to say no (are you also a people pleaser?) and your own poor and too low boundaries that let this chancer in (also brought about by a previous abusive relationship).

Counselling for your own self along with contacting Womens Aid could help you no end in terms of doing their Freedom Programme. But regardless of what you yourself do to help your own self here move forward, he needs to be out of your home and asap. My guess is that he won't go quietly and will refuse to leave at all easily now he has his feet well under the table.

This is what I would do -

1. tell him you can't cope like this - be vulnerable and tell him you need him on your side and to set a plan for how things can be more equal. (A lot of the time with these issues it's really easy to be angry, with bloody good reason, but it doesn't help).

2. set a date in your head and if it's not better by then put everything in motion to leave and actually do it. Life is too short.

I really feel for you OP. I hope you can get some rest this weekend

and often comments how much he likes his life
Of course he does.
He's living the fucking life of Riley.

Please get him gone.
3 years he's had!
3 friggin' years and you are letting him get away with it.
Time he found his own feet and earns his own wage.

He's a major, master, cocklodger!
Why oh why do Women put up with this shit!!!

Honestly, you'd be much better off with him out of your life.
He's dragging you down and you are only now starting to see that.
But it's been 3 years in the making.
He's had no consequences to his in-actions!
Time to take back control of your life.
Be that strong independent woman you know you are.
You do not need this leech hanging off of you anymore.

I know people who work full time and run their own business in their spare time. He's had 3 years what exactly has he done towards this business and has it generated any money at all ? Does he have a business plan. Why can't he get a part time or full time job ? I would give him a deadline to get a paid job and if he doesn't make plans to separate. He sounds lazy

Thankyou all. Im sorry for replying so late but I do appreciate it.
I still can't work out if I am being unfair. We did agree that it might take a while for the business to start up. It is genuinely something that could take a while and I thought 3 years was not unrealistic.

I think a lot about whether I am just biased and he is doing more than I think or I am too unrealistic in my expectations.

Also everyone has a tendency to exaggerate what they do and not see the work of others so maybe I am unfairly representing it?
My friend has said it is not so much an issue about the housework but more about lack of care that DP does not think to help me when I need help. On the other hand friend is male so perhaps does not grasp the full issue of wifework!

One word: cocklodger

Ok, another: leech

And another for the road: pisstaker

What the hell are you doing ?

Would your life be any easier without him around?

Would it be any harder?

Goodness OP.... read what you have written here..... how much clearer does this need to be.. he's taking the utter PISS

Well I am asking myself what the hell am I doing quite a lot.

I am not sure it would make a lot of difference if he were not around. Quite a lot would be easier. Some things might be harder.
I am realising I need to get happier for the kids as that is probably affecting them more than anything. I suspect I'd be happier on my own. I seem to have always done single well and relationships badly.

Gemini - seriously how do you know I'm not just biased?

Well, let's see - you're working full-time and he's "setting up a business" which so far, 3 years in, costs money and doesn't take up much of his time. Sounds like he's a pisstaker to me.

The only way you're biased is if you're actually telling us lies, which I doubt. So on the assumption that what you've written is factually correct, then he is absolutely taking the piss and I'd imagine your ability to cope with the stress of work/parenthood would be way more manageable without having him sucking the soul out of you. He's a leech.

Sorry but I don't really understand why you are questioning this. What creative business takes 3 years to set up?

In what world is he actually reasonable?

Even if you're subjective he's done fuck all for 3 years!?

What has he actually been doing all that time?

I keep thinking I'm making a fuss out if nothing I suppose. I've been as accurate as I can be although I still feel it comes across as worse than it feels.
I did talk with him again more seriously since my first post. It had some effect. The house is tidier than it's been for a long time. However that just makes me feel more upset as if it were so easy all along - why not have done it before? The only answer I come up with is not caring enough so I suppose my friend is right