I need a second opinion

[Toffeetooth]

DP and I have been together 11 years. We have 2 children, 5 and 6. I work in stressful, responsible job with quite long hours at time, though flexibly so I can ensure I see kids. At present DP is not working and has been trying to set up a business for the last 3 years. I'm not sure how well this will work but there is some viability to it I think. It certainly does not take up all his time. It does take up a fair amount of money! In addition, I do majority of housework, most of the other wifework(if badly!)) And probably more than half the childcare. I sort out appointments, school stuff, do the homework and am the one to organise and take them out at the weekend. DP disagrees. I am disorganized but he is worse and is one of those who is always more ill or tired than I might be at any given point and would never get anything done if I didn't nag. He has also started taking it out on the DC, ignoring their requests for help, shouting at them if we are late and even shoving DS off the sofa when he was cross with DS annoying him.
Work has been terrible of late, I leave early (just about persuaded DP to do most of the morning stuff for kids but he still needs assistance), pick up kids after school, feed them, plonk them in front of TV as I'm so tired, get them to bed and then work sometimes until 2 or 3 am. I have no social life or free time. DP does. He has not picked up a single bit more household tasks during this time claiming he needs thinking time for the business.
I have got so exhausted both the kids and work are suffering. The house is a tip. I have considered reducing my hours but suspect that will not solve the issue or my resentment that he hasn't helped at a point where I really needed him.
I have to continually check that I am not being unreasonable as maybe he does need thinking time (his business is a creative business so maybe). I'm not great at keeping house either so maybe my standards are too high or I should just do it myself.
An IRL friend thinks he is taking the piss but that maybe it is solvable if I make my feelings clear enough or even threaten to leave to wake him up. This friend also points out I have form for picking the wrong guy (previous abusive relationship) I feel I have explained how I feel many times, sometimes with acknowledgement from DP I am right and he will change but he hasn't.

Has anyone solved an issue like this? It sounds worse written down in some ways but either way I can't carry on like this. It's affecting the kids and I am not happy living like this.

Your friend sounds switched on

I dunno what the fuck happened to you that you would even question yourself. You sound sorted and capable in all other areas of your life. What are you trying to prove by holding on to this waste of oxygen ?

You alone have been financially supporting your family whilst your lazy, selfish partner has spent THREE YEARS doing SFA whilst being ‘creative’ and spending a SHED load of your money on his venture! He makes Del Boy look like a genuine businessman!

What is he doing with his time and your money over the three years he has been ‘creating’ his business? What are you and your dc getting out of his enterprise? If the answer is nothing then he is basically an aggressive, bullying, bone idle Cocklodger!

This is a toxic relationship that is sending your dc the wrong image of a healthy and loving relationship! You and your DC deserve so much better!

Ok thanks. I am entirely capable in many areas. I think I was starting to think I should just try to carry everyone and maybe if I got myself sorted out I could manage that. But it is draining my energy to not have support where it should come from.

The deal was he look after the children and house. I would never have wanted to just get him to do everything at home, after all I want to be a parent too and I wouldn't expect the stay at home parent to do the lot. However the balance has never been right.

the concept of wifework
This is not a concept in this day and age op. There is no rule that says because you are the woman you should carry the load at home. He is the one in the house so he should be the one taking care of it.

No, I meant my friend as a man, may not grasp that women take on more due to female socialisation. I always wonder what the wives of men who are dismissive about housework would say.

AF called it when she asked ‘what the fuck happened to you? I agree with you, you are being unreasonable, unreasonable to stay in a relationship where his obvious contempt for you has now migrated to your children (which should tell you all about the quality of man you’re married to).

The most perplexing thing about your situation isn’t the lazy, entitled fucker you are married to (I’ve seen a fair few of these in my lifetime) but the depths you’ve sunk to where you would be worried that you’re being unreasonable. You enable your entitled fucker H by putting up with his behaviour, his ‘businesses ‘ —his excuse for doing nothing while pissing family money up the wall— has become the joker card which he uses and you accept, to excuse his behaviour. He pays lip service to change because he knows you aren’t serious about him changing because if you were, he’d be gone already. His lack of respect for you and your children is a reflection of the lack of respect that you have for your self.

The change doesn’t start with him, it starts with you and understanding why you are confused as to why you and your children don’t deserve better. Your children are learning that men behave like their father and women behave like their mother by excusing and accepting entitled and abusive behaviour, what kind of relationship role model is that?

So, stop waiting for him to be different and start being different. If you need the solo support of a counsellor to get you there, then do it but don’t waste more of your children’s childhood by being the doormat and cocklodger apologist in their principal relationship role model. You need to be less ‘why isn’t he different?’ and more ‘I’m done taking this shit and letting my children take this shit’.

There’s no hero in this story but there could be a heroine.

Ok- so you're making it 25 - 35 % worse than it actually is??

I'd still get rid of him. But first I'd give him 3 months to get a job and man up to his role as a Dad

It sounds like you’ve lost your sense of self worth. Carve out a bit of time to see a counsellor to get a perspective on your situation.

As a ‘creative’ myself, and about to set up my own business, what on Earth has he been doing for 3 years????

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/?client=safari

May help

But in this case I doubt it cos he just sounds like a lazy arse rather than an ignorant one.

Omg. Your DH needs to be a good role model in your DC's lives!

They are learning how relationships work by how you are treated and who does what.

What an absolute crimgeworthy pathetic excuse of a man, husband and a father!

Where is his kindness, consideration, team work and love for them and you???

I started up a business. Took a couple of weeks to get it up and running.

You would be better off co-parenting with him living elsewhere. Then with 50 50 residence you would get clearly defined time off.

Stop doing everything for this parasite. No cooking, no laundry. Do not clear up after him. Save your money in another account.

Seriously, your DH is bad for your and your DC's mental health so get a grip and stop the rot.

What is your plan of action?

no I meant my friend as a man, may not accept that women take on more due to female socialisation
@Toffeetooth

Nope, whats happening here is that your friend as a man recognises that our lives in 2018 do not reflect reruns of 1950's TV shows. Women demand equal pay in the boardroom and equal distribution of labour at home when such issues come to light. We are not second class citizens anymore.

Your husband is not pulling his weight your friend recognises that and you make excusses by saying society expects it. In doing so you are enabling him to act this way.

Well look at the responses youve recieved from a cross section of society do these women sound like they accept wifework as their due while also doing the ' husbands' job too. Do they?
But more importantly will you?
Will you raise a son ill eqiped for modern day relationships because he expects women to be his footstool, and a daughter who will be a target for some overbearing male?

Sorry if my rant seems a step too far but I just cant grasp why you appear to be making excuses for something that seems so very unfair.

You need a cleaner to take on some of the work while you start counselling and see a solicitor- this doesn’t guarantee you will divorce,as he might change, but it would help to clear your head of the how, when, where of what to do now whilst also juggling job, DCs, home life.

What did he say after you had this recent talk? Did he acknowledge that he's had an easy ride?

I have no social life or free time. DP does.

Rather than thinking about who should be doing what, get this balance right as it is obviously not fair at the moment.

I work in a creative field and creative thought is enhanced by doing repetitive manual tasks like housework. Have you got time to draw up 2 'timetables' of how you spend your week and how he spends his. So he has a clear picture of the imbalance?

What value does this creature add to your life? None. In fact he's draining you of money, energy and hope. Lazy isn't the word!
Are you married? You refer to him as DP not DH so presumably not. Just get rid ffs! And start by cutting off the money supply.
I got rid of a man once cos he chucked ds off the sofa - he wanted to lie down!

Thank you all very much. I have decided I need to ask him to leave as I can't make sure the children are happy and grow up with the skills and attitudes I want in this environment. I need to be happy myself too. He has actually improved quite a bit since I've been acting so strangely but I don't know how I can trust it won't deteriorate or forgive him for not supporting me when I was at my lowest. My friend is supporting me make some practical decisions to put me and the kids in the best position first and I'm working out when and how to tell him. I feel quite a bit more at peace already.
I think it's something I would have eventually worked out myself but I think it would have taken another few years and damage to both me and the kids. So and please wish me luck!

Lots of luck

Best of luck. You sound like a nice person and a good mum. You deserve happiness.

You've made a good decision. You have not been acting 'strangely', you have grown a spine and realised that your life as it is, just isn't right.

You will find things easier without him. I did when I booted my alcoholic DH out. Over the years he did less and less around the house - despite both of us working f/t and me having the long commute. Now that he's gone there's less laundry and less mess, and my DDs are so much better and stronger mentally that they have really stepped up and are doing their share. Yours are a bit young for that, but having him gone will take a shadow from their lives and you will find their mood improves. You will all be so much happier. Just go for it.