Do I have a personality disorder?

[RadioFrog]

I'm feeling very worried about my state of mind at the moment. I love my DS (11) to bits but find myself saying unkind things to him out of frustration with my general state of mind / stress and it's almost as if I am pushing him away and by being a bitch I'm making myself feel stronger.

I have MH problems - depression & anxiety, and an abusive childhood myself. I always swore I would be a better parent - but it seems the old adage about abuse repeating in the next generation is becoming true

Last night I felt so bad about it that I wondered if I'd be better off calling social services and asking for my son to be taken into care- I really love him and don't want him to end up messed up like me.

Some days it's worse than others: I have very bad PMT which makes my MH issues worse.

Does anyone know if it is a known symptom of any MH condition to feel you have to be nasty, although deep down you hate yourself, but feel powerless to be any different?

Part of what scares me is how out of control I feel - it's like I'm looking at myself being nasty and am almost a different person :(

Are you having help with your MH problems?

I believe that it is very rarely better for a child to be removed from his parents, and you love him, so I think he would definitely be better with you. You need to get some help.

I think a visit to your GP would help. They may refer you on it come up with a diagnosis.

Sounds a bit like me when my bpd is bad?

Do you apologise to your son each time? I hope so.

Have you tried therapy?

It sounds like stress getting out of control to me. Can you get it all written down and then see someone? You probably feel some sort of release by snapping at him. Is he ok? I really think you need to say to him how much you love him and that you don't mean any snappy comments and that things will improve.

Well done for deciding to get help. You know he doesnt deserve this. It will be hard but soon you will both be happier.

I've had months of therapy, it didn't help with this particular problem. When I get like I am at the moment I really feel powerless to act in what I know rationally is the right way, it's as if a more raw/ powerful emotion sweeps all rationality aside and forces me to do / say horrible things.

I can almost feel myself thinking 'don't say that' while simultaneously another part of me is saying 'inflict maximum pain'.

I hate cruelty but I find myself saying cruel things. It seems to make me feel safer...? I just can't fathom it and feel really worried about the impacts on DS

And no, when I feel like this it is impossible to apologise, I feel almost without any empathy. Maybe I'm a psychopath... I don't know. I do know I don't want to be this person.

I have been to my GP and therapists many times and tried to explain all this but they just give me anti depressants and suggest more (private) therapy as the nhs therapy wait is too long. I've spent ££££s and no better.

Have you read about borderline personality disorder?

Umbongo, no, do you think that's what I have?

I have no idea, but I think if you read about it and it clicks with you like it did me, then it will be s massive help to you.

Think you really need to talk to DS about it. He should be with you though. I just get the impression you're seriously stressed rather than actively trying to do harm, although I'm only a stranger on an internet forum!

Is there another GP at your practice who might be better suited? Have you tried learning techniques like breathing exercises, CBT etc?

I have a personality disorder and can still control what I say and do, even though it's hard.
You need to get help ASAP as this kind of behaviour will affect your son in a negative way.

Are you currently taking ADs? Have they helped, or made any difference? Has your GP ever referred you? If, for whatever reason, you believe you have a PD, have you mentioned this to GP? If so, why did they believe this wouldnt be the case? If not, perhaps that is the next step.

PDs are controversial diagnoses, and I dont believe they are always easy to "get", so you may need to suggest it to your GP rather than it being something they automatically consider, being as your presentation also fits more general low mood/anxious conditions.

No one on the internet is going to be able to make much comment on such a complicated diagnosis. Please see your GP again, or a different one if you dont believe they are listening. And get on the list for NHS treatment (whatever wellbeing therapies they offer). You may as well be on a long waiting list, if it is ongoing. At least you may eventually save money.

I'm not currently taking ADs, I haw in the past but they don't really seem to that make much difference to how I feel.

See another GP and insist that they listen and address your problems. Maybe write your son a letter to explain in simple terms your confusion,apologise to him tell him you love him and that you are getting help.

Hi @RadioFrog - I have come across this - I'm trying to find a link to an article I read - basically it's an outburst that we can't control (at the time) probably a bit like a volcano erupting and it's a reflection of how we are feeling at the time too. You were probably getting to the end of your tether DS said or did something and this triggered you off. Is this right?

Have you talked to your Ds about depression if not I think you need to - you need to tell him that this is part of it that sometimes you get overwhelmed and find it hard to keep a hold of emotion - he has to learn that no way is anything you say true. V hard I know as someone who suffers with depression I too can have these outbursts - I've also been on the receiving end and hard as it is if you can get your head around that it is the other person's stuff erupting and not necessarily anything to do with you this helps.

I believe kids are to teach us about life - not us them - your Ds is trying to get you to look at your own behaviour and learn something about yourself!

I also don't believe your behaviour is abusive as such because you have realised the 'harm' and want to do something about it - abusive people ignore the impact on others and don't want to change their behaviour they see no part of their actions as being responsible for the outcome.

The other part is that you need to try and learn your own triggers and to take better care of yourself - we all try and do too much and it is impossible - it's not clear from your post if you have any support?

If you know that PMT is a trigger then you need to scale back anything that stresses you at this time of month.

I also don't believe we have "personality disorders". I think we all have issues that need addressing - it is a reaction to our stressful lives and to our past hurts that come to the surface every now and then to be "healed" - to make peace with ourselves and those who have "wronged" us in the past - none of what we have been through is "our fault" nor necessarily the "fault" of parents etc - we all try and do the best we can - some cope better than others - some drink, some do excessive sports, some blame ourselves - ( us with depression - a legacy of believing we are never good enough!) those that self reflect probably have a harder time than those that don't - but we are meant too - in the hope of finding a better way to live! - Not sure if this last part will resonate with you...

but give your Ds a huge hug this morning -tell him how much you love him and do something kind for yourself today x

You are not a bad person, you have just learnt behaviours from your own parents or perhaps are still hurting inside. Could that be true? I was a very angry person a few years ago - raging and quick to reach high levels of upset / anger. Its been a slow process to change.

Everyones journey is different of course but I had a little bout of CBT during university. I have also been on ADs for a few years. They are not because I am depressed but to provide me with emotional stability. They help massively. I went to see a psychiatrist
(Nhs route) & she did say I have Borderline Pesonality Disorder. In my case it was due to abandonment issues. I never received any therapy/help after this. Having the assessment alone was enough. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy was recommended. I have a book. If you want me to post it to you send me your adress via PM. Worth a shot eh?

You will be OK. What type of things are stressing you out at the moment. 11 is old enough to learn about depression/issues - I personally think there is alot to be said for openess. Perhaps then when you have episodes he will be able to think "Oh that is the depression/monster" rather than "my mum hates me and thinks I am useless & I believe her". You definitely need to Talk and Apologise afterwards. Its so important. It may go some way to reversing the damage.

Feel free to talk more x

Your poor son....I'd apologise to your boy, tell him you love him and that you're hurting and taking it out on him....and tell him how immature your behaviour is in doing so. Be open, be honest, be very, very sorry directly to him not just on here.
And ask him to forgive you.
Get to your GP, get some help, medication, counselling, whatever it takes....
My heart breaks for your poor son though...how could you treat him so badly?

I think if you are being cruel to your son and wishing to inflict maximum pain then yes, he would be better off without you until you can get well. It's not ok for him to be brought up being abused. And you need to seek help

What sort of things do you say to him?

OP, are you on your period or on the run up to it? Please Google PMDD, see if it rings bells and if there is a pattern in when your mood gets bad. I have PMDD and not long after ovulation I become tense, snappy and down. I am on a low dose of sertraline that has improved it to the stage of it being bad PMT, instead of bad PMDD, which made me feel suicidal two weeks of every month.

If you're really saying things to inflict maximum pain and cruelty onto your son that sounds very concerning and more than the usual stressed-out loss of temper that most parents experience. Have you specifically visited your GP and discussed the issue of emotional harm done to your son?

Is there another parent in the home? Are there current stressors in your life that you could work to address? Any particular times that are really trying (mealtimes, getting out of the house in the morning etc.) that you could work to improve?

Ultimately wishing I inflict maximum pain on your child and being cruel to them is unacceptable and not normal. As such, the child needs to come first and protecting the child from you.

As such, I'm sorry but you come secondary to his needs. You are an adult and he is powerless. Abusing him will likely impact him his whole life.

Do you work OP? A

First point - it is brilliant that you are recognising this and seeking help. You show great self awareness, which bodes well for the future.

Keep pushing for more treatment, i know it's hard!

Have you heard of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? This is common in people abused as children. People get emotional flashbacks, where they feel the emotions and behaviours that they felt during the abuse (e.g. fear and freezing, or rage). www.pete-walker.com is a good resource. CPTSD is not officially recognised in the DSM but many top trauma therapists and attachment therapists argue strongly that it should be.

I also recommend the book Mindsight by Dan Siegel, there are a couple of chapters about how he has used mindfulness and therapy to help patients with anger issues, including a mother who experienced abuse as a child.

Aside from that, do you have an awareness of what triggers you? If you haven't already, keep a diary noting when your angry moments were and what led up to them. I noticed that i was often unpleasant to my partner in the kitchen when hungry and preparing dinner. It always seemed justified at the time but later i would realise it was an overeaction. Thinking back, surprise surprise, the kitchen after she got home from work was often a setting for my mother's anger. Just making the link and discussing it with my partner helped a lot. Now if i feel my anger rising in the kitchen, i take time out in another room, and conciously decide not to discuss the issue until after we've eaten. Usually by that point it seems trivial.

Finally, your son. Obviously the best thing you can do is heal. But in the meantime, giving him the tools to understand his experience is helpful - explain to him that your words when you lose control are unfair and untrue, that they reflect your own pain and are not 'about him', and that you are trying to stop. Make sure he has opportunities to speak to other adults about it, and doesn't feel he has to keep it secret. There is a lot of evidence showing that having a secure person to talk to is massively protective for children's mental health.

What kind of therapy did you have? Did you have DBT?