Do I have a personality disorder?

[RadioFrog]

I'm feeling very worried about my state of mind at the moment. I love my DS (11) to bits but find myself saying unkind things to him out of frustration with my general state of mind / stress and it's almost as if I am pushing him away and by being a bitch I'm making myself feel stronger.

I have MH problems - depression & anxiety, and an abusive childhood myself. I always swore I would be a better parent - but it seems the old adage about abuse repeating in the next generation is becoming true

Last night I felt so bad about it that I wondered if I'd be better off calling social services and asking for my son to be taken into care- I really love him and don't want him to end up messed up like me.

Some days it's worse than others: I have very bad PMT which makes my MH issues worse.

Does anyone know if it is a known symptom of any MH condition to feel you have to be nasty, although deep down you hate yourself, but feel powerless to be any different?

Part of what scares me is how out of control I feel - it's like I'm looking at myself being nasty and am almost a different person :(

I don't work regularly- I do the odd day on a zero hour contract. My DH (who was/is abusive & controlling) has left me and has no contact with DS. I have barely any money and huge debts. I have been offered another job but no start date yet.

My mother died recently and I am also having to care for my disabled father. The particularly difficult times with DS are in the evenings when he answers back, refuses to obey me, get off his Xbox, do his homework / go to bed etc etc.

DS is big for his age and shouts and abuses me as he has seen his father do, and I can see he is copying behaviours and things ex H did and said.

I was horrible to my kids when I was sahm. Going back to work improved my mental health so much. I still struggle with my disorder, but life is much happier for everyone in my house.

I had Cognitive Analytical Therapy. Interestingly the therapist thought I might be suffering from Complex PTSD. The therapy ended and here I am, no further forward than I was before therapy. I feel a total worthless failure. I thought earlier about calling Dignitas to see if it would be very expensive to be put down. I can hardly cope and don't feel any point in continuing with my worthless life.

Porpoises, I'm having a look at the Pete walker link, seems v helpful. Thank you.

Its certainly possible to heal from cptsd. It's a long and difficult road, and it sounds like you have a lot to deal with at the moment.

It's also worth noting that some therapists argue that some personality disorders are a subset of cptsd.

I recommend:
-journalling
-mindfulness
-books - the ones I've recommended plus "the body keeps the score" by bessel van der kolk
-the reddit.com/r/cptsd community may be helpful, although many of them are quite young
-general self care - exercise, eat nutritious food, sleep, nurture supportive friendships and get rid of abusive people from your life.
-I've not tried them but have heard good things about dbt therapy, and emdr therapy.

If you don't mind saying, was it your father or mother or someone else who was abusive to you?

You sound like you have severe depression and you need to go back to the GP immediately and if necessary just show them this thread. You may not have stumbled on the correct AD yet but you must persevere for your son's sake. Think about how he might be feeling when you verbally lash out at him - if his Dad is abusive too he won't have anyone he can turn to.
Do you have friends you can lean on? Could he go for a sleepover at a school friends or do you have any relatives who know how you are feeling?

It also sounds like depression to me, but none of us can diagnose you.

If you were abused by your partner, I'm guessing your son was too, he was then abandoned by him and being abused by you also. The fact you've recognised it is good, but as said for me, the ultimate priority is your son. Particularly as it seems he has been abused his whole life.

I think if that's the case you can understand why he behaves as he does. He's grown up being abused and doesn't have a role model for loving behaviour.

Effectively he is what you both made him and he is probably desperately unhappy and doesn't know it. Because he has known nothing else.

Porpoises it was my mother, although my dad was just apathetic he never tried to strangle me as my mother did. I still have nightmares about fighting her off and lash out in my sleep hitting the bedside lamp over and bruising my hand on the table.

The fact she died means I cannot grieve properly- although a I technically 'lost my mother', I feel in many ways as if I never had one- so it's like I am grieving for never having been shown love or having a mother to love me.

Bluntness I realise you can't diagnose me, I'm just hoping some posters might recognise the symptoms from their own experiences and be able to offer help / advice - as indeed some PP have.

I'm sorry to hear that RadioFrog, that's horrendous. It's not surprising that it's affected you as an adult.

I hear you about the grief, it's more that you are grieving for what you never had. I think it's known as complicated grief.

It sounds hard caring for a man who didn't protect you.

I know what it's like to be coping with a lot of anger inside. I'm dealing with the trauma of what happened to me as a child, and the person who caused it, my abusive F, is dead. I'm suffering from complex PTSD as well. So I'm like a pressure cooker sometimes. I also have 2 adopted DDs, and DD1 (9) is very challenging, she has violent meltdowns and has lashed out at me, and at DD2 (6). I sometimes want to say hurtful things to her, and I have a few times in the past. But I've always apologised and given her a cuddle. I've learned to walk away before I say something I regret now. I've also found that staying calm from the start is the way to handle it.

So, what I've learned to do is if I really am in danger of saying something I want to regret, I have to move away or send DD1 to her room and make sure DD2 is ok. Then I go and talk to DD1.

Radio frog - it's a brave step to post so well done for seeking advice. I've been like you sometimes - my childhood was abusive and cruel. As a child I really really had to do as I was told. We lived in fear. I can get very angry at times when my son challenges me. He's only 8. It's normal to challenge though and our upbringing wasn't normal.
I'm sorry for the abuse you suffered.
You could be depressed or and stressed. You are coping with a lot. Your son too is coping with a lot. You need to try and nip his behaviour to you in the bud.
Have you thought of some family therapy via CAMBS (children's services) or/and in my area they provide parenting courses for adults with young teens.
What do you do for FUN - it's probably the last thing you think off.
You have a lot on - can you get any support -
Your debts - are you getting all your benefits - carers allowances - tax credits. Are you getting any advice support for this.
Please do apologise to your son - you love him - tell him you get very stressed sometimes and don't handle it well. Tell him you love him.
He is equally going through his own difficulties as a teenager and an abusive father. Could he access help via the school.
Do you have friends you can talk too.
MIND sometimes offer reduced price counselling - I've had 10 years plus of psychotherapy - it helped in some ways - but I find relationships difficult. You are not alone. Give your self and your son a hug.

Also have your hormone checked. I spent a year as a vicious bitch and didn't recognise myself or the things that came out of my mouth. Turned out to be an easily fixable tiny tumour on my pituitary gland. Personality change back to normal was literally over night.

I would also recommend the Pete Walker book as got it for my ex as he was similar.Sadly he could not self reflect.
I think your explanation of what is going on for you is interesting as I suspect it was the same for ex (and other angry people) but he would not articulate it.

You describe flashbacks and that is symptomatic of CPTSD.

Is your son in primary or secondary? Can you access counselling for him?

When you are reflective like now can you apologise and get back on an even keel with your son? That is important that you say sorry and acknowledge you have hurt him.He will at least learn that by your example.

I believe bpd is renamed to emotional dysregulation which might be a more accurate reflection of what is happening for you.

If you grew up in an abusive home you won't readily have strategies for dealing with your son and you may be triggered more easily.
First step is to recognise when the emotion is building and then to find better ways to lower the intensity.
Walking out of the room could be the best approach in the first instance.Deep breathing, count 8 in/out breathes.

Find strategies for discipline, have in your back pocket the list of sanctions such as no xbox for an hour, no phone for 2 hours etc.

You will need support, talk to a GP or MIND and see if they can offer alternative help.
DBT is considered an effective treatment and you could access this yourself.

Honestly it sounds like you have too much going on to be a stable, loving parent to your son. Although your son mimics your abuser he is a victim and has also suffered abuse. Really, your son is more vulnerable than your Dad right now. Can you let social services step in and provide care for your Dad if you're not coping with everything?

@RadioFrog - just wondered how you,re doing @Porpoises gives some very good suggestions - I do a lot if these things too - you are dealing with a huge amount - no wonder you get overwhelmed - some comments are not helpful - there is no doubt you love your son and you are not intentionally hurting him - have you talked to him about how you feel - I get the abuse he gives you too I've had this from my DS - the healing - takes generations but you are aware and seeking help - something our parents didn't do - hopefully your Ds is being educated about this stuff in school now as MH gets more in the open - I expect your Ds is also feeling the loss of your dm x