Help me save my marriage

[chickenlicken24]

I love my dh been with him 21 years one ds 5 but god we are different people. As we have aged and become parents our differences have become even more pronounced. I am too much of a planner and grown up, he is the complete extreme he games a lot, watches movies. I am quite outdoorsy. He will go for a walk,bike ride but moan about the bugs, Sun, etc

I don't feel at all connected to him any more to the point where I actually try to avoid spending time with him. I'm sure he does the same with me. We used to have fun.. although this involved a lot of going out drinking socialising which we can't do anymore with a 5 year old and no family support nearby so a night out costs a lot with a babysitter. We both like music and I think we both find each other attractive still but he stays up late and I go to bed early so there is very little time being together. I feel irritated by him and our differences and I'm sure he feels the same about me. I don't want to throw in the towel as he is a caring kind funny man and a great dad but I feel frustrated that we are so different and we irritate each other without trying! What can I do?

You need to talk. I think after such a long time together and with busy lives and established routines, it can be difficult to create new patterns, a new dynamic but that's what you need to do to stop the drift.

Or create some fun within your existing set-up. You both like music, so plan a 'have you heard this song' evening like teenagers do, with a bottle of wine after your five year old is in bed. It's Eurovision tomorrow... find yourselves united in dissing some terrible performances.

Oh if they like music they wouldn't like Eurovision, though!!

That was kind of my point.

Sorry!

I am in a very similar position and have posted about this. I got lots of brilliant advice. My threads were:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3127444-Partner-computers-excessive-use

and then.......

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3193263-Mid-life-crisis

I am pleased to say we are back on track now and really working on finding things to do together. Hope this helps x

@PippyRose your last message didn't sound promising - how did you turn it around?

@chickenlicken24 I went through a 'rough patch' with my DP that was like this. We made an effort to change up our routine and found we do actually have a lot in common... I think it's just so easy to slip into watching tv every night. Could you carve out a weekend away together (is there family who could look after your DS?) to reconnect and go from there?

Also, DP and I also have the same thing re bed times - he naturally wants to go to bed much later than me. We compromise on this - I will stay up later with him on nights when I can and he comes to bed early with me when I'm far too tired. It doesn't happen every night, but is worth doing a few times a week. Tbh though my being able to stay up was mostly made possible by me coming off the pill (I got so much energy back)

Littledinosaurs - I actually thought I'd updated that thread! - apparantly not. We haven't completely turned it around and things are far from perfect, but, we have at least found things we can both enjoy by agreeing to step out of our comfort zones. We've been getting out and about a bit more for a start. Our relationship very much hit a 'make or break' situation and we knew we had to do something. You're definitely right about slipping in to bad habits (TV etc). I think it happens so gradually, you don't notice it until it becomes a problem.

It is still early days and I still have reservations and I can totally relate to you and the OP.

If I'm ever to embark on a new relationship in the future, my absolute priority would be shared interests. It matters so much more as you get older and life stops being about children and setting up a home.

I hope you can find a way through this OP, it's not easy but I suppose it boils down to how much you both want it.

I think this is where compromise and appreciation needs to come in.

Appreciate what he does and value that you are different, such as planning as it means you get to do things your way, mostly.

If he does outdoor stuff, let him whinge at times about bugs but don't let it get to you.He has joined in so acknowledge that.
It might take him a while to work out what outdoor stuff suits him.
Ex would say he liked outdoor stuff and I didn't, that wasn't the case, what I didn't like was how he controlled what, when and for how long.Ex also had to have long range plans that couldn't change "as that was the plan", I am much more flexible and can review and adjust.
Look at yourself honestly and see if you capable of change/flexibility.No partner will have same interests as you, over a long marriage so its likely the grass will not be greener.
I think as we get older we become more fixed in our ideas of what and who we are. Its not always a good thing if we become rigid..i.e you say you are a planner, that's a preference not something you can't adjust.

Sounds like you have both come to the end of the road as a couple and would both be happier with different people. Good relationships aren’t supposed to be such hard work - life is too short. I also think when couple’s have reached a point of having to do contrived things like ‘date night’ the whole thing has become rather tragic.

It may be that you are coping differently about dealing with DS: you by going out he by staying in.

So yours maybe two ways to respond to stress but they just happen to diverge.

I don't think we are a lost cause .. I still love him and I think he still loves me .. we just need to work harder at it... we haven't really worked at our relationship at all.

Any self help books you could recommend?

I think there are different types of work. No, you shouldn't have to work at being in love but long relationships of course require work. The good kind of work where you find time to reconnect again after lots of stressful days, where you go on a walk and have a long talk, where you have to consciously be open and vulnerable when you would rather shout and swear. Nothing wrong with a good date night imo.

Glad things are a bit better @PippyRose. I really hope you make it to Iceland or similar

Relate do a lot of self help books for couples:
www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/self-help-tools/book-shop/books-couples

You need to have a talk about how to spend a bit of time together and have some fun and feel more companiable.

Maybe there some movies you might both enjoy that you could watch together or a boxset (when DS is in bed) - It would give you something to talk about. (start a list). Have you stopped doing something like holding hands or sitting together on the sofa, chopping veg for the dinner together etc that you could start again? Each write down a few things you want to do - and agree to a few of them even though they might take you out of your comfort zone. (I often do things with my older DC and watch stuff I'm not that keen on just to spend time with them, have a laugh and a bit of a discussion to stay connected and not in separate rooms)

It is hard when the children are young and you are tired and peopled out after busy days it can be too easy to zone out in your own little bubble of gaming or whatever especially if you have no babysitters. Whay would having fun together look like these days?

OP not a book, but I just remembered a podcast I listened to last week that was really lovely and relevant to this - Modern Love - episode from Dec called How the Dining Dead Got Talking Again.