Mid-life crisis?

[PippyRose]

I wrote on here a while back moaning about the fact that my partner of 20 years was spending hours (and I mean hours!) a day on his computer and that we never spent any quality time together. I was feeling low and, if I'm honest, a bit lonely. I was going to bed alone most nights while he sat at his PC and just felt that we were drifting apart. I wanted us to reconnect and start enjoying each other's company again like we used to.

Well, after some good advice on here, we had a long chat and he stopped spending so much time sat in front of his screen and that's when things became even more difficult. We couldn't find anything at all to do that we would both enjoy. I tried suggesting things that might interest him (games, going out to play pool occasionally like we used to, weekends away etc). He wasn't interested in doing any of them.

I am a sociable person who loves going out, holidays etc. I have always taken our sons (now 15 and 17) on holiday on my own because he just 'doesn't like holidays'. I have pretty much done everything out of the house with the boys on my own or with friends/family. He never took them to the park, swimming, outdoor activities. I look back and feel sad that he (and they) missed out on those experiences together.

He is a good Dad in other ways. He has a lot of banter with them and they enjoy his company when they are together. They share his passion for computers and nerdy things that I know nothing about. He is also a good partner in that he is affectionate and supportive.

He has told me if I want to go and do things (like going on holiday), he is happy with that but he just doesn't want to come along. I want to do those things with the person I share my life with though! I want us to share experiences together.

When he came off his computer, we decided to watch some films together (not really my idea of quality time but hey ho) but we simply couldn't agree to anything we'd both enjoy watching. He's into sci-fi, fantasy kinds of films and I hate all that. We always have to compromise on film choice.

I'm getting worried that things are just going to get worse now that the boys are growing up and I am dreading them leaving because
what will be left? How will we move on together when we have no shared interests or passions? Nothing to get excited about together or look forward to?

He's a good man and I do love him but I wonder if we've drifted so far apart now that there's no coming back. I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to find friends who will go away with me or do the things that I enjoy with me while he sits at home in front of a screen. I know he can't help it, it's his personality but I worry that our futures just aren't compatible. I want to look forward to a life of travel and experience life outside of the house but he clearly doesn't.

[PumpkinPiloter]

pippyrose I wanted to right something here as I feel like your post deserves a response. What you have described is not normal and it sounds like you have had to do the lion share of the work to raise children with a balanced life style whilst he will interact with them if it is in his "wheelhouse".

This sounds like extremely selfish behaviour and if he didn't change or sacrifice his comfort by doing this with his children then it is unlikely it will happen in the future.

From my perspective it sounds like you have two options. You either live the life you want lead by doing so with friends or you leave your partner and find someone who shares your interests and desired lifestyle. It sounds to me a little that you have already made your decision and it does sound like the right thing to do.

[PippyRose]

Thanks Pumpkin. I have spoken at length about this to friends and family and they say the same as you...there are two choices. I know deep down that it's true that he won't change.

I just worry that I'll be destroying my kids' family unit and that they will be devastated. I know our family life is not perfect but it's their 'normal' and they're happy and well adjusted kids. I also worry that I'll regret it further down the line. I know, despite his ways, that he loves me. I also know there are women in far worse predicaments than me and sometimes I wonder if I'm just being self indulgent.

However, right now I feel like I'm just hanging on for the kids to leave and that makes me so sad. I'd be throwing away 20 years together and, to be fair, he has seen me through some tough times (I have had very bad episodes of anxiety).

He's always affectionate and compliments me but I just can't shake off the feeling that I need to get away and, as you said, live my life. That's why I'm wondering if I'm having some kind of mid life crisis or finally accepting that it simply won't work long term.

[Soozikinzii]

I have been married 38 years so I know a bit about compromises. In some ways your situation doesn't seem too bad. Your husband gives you space he says you can travel get out and about with friends etc .I would think very hard before giving up his compliments and support .

[PumpkinPiloter]

It's a very tough decision. Perhaps it doesn't have to be an either or. You could throw yourself into doing things that make you happy and make an effort to socialise more maybe make some new friends or reach out to some old friends. Give it a while and see how it feels.

It is easy to project your own lack of contentment on to someone else but at the same time the fact that your OH would not take his children out does make him unusually insular and therefore you have a clear reason to be justified in these questions you are asking and certainly not being self endulgent.

[Doomedtoast]

Why did you get together (and married/kids) if you your interests were so wildly opposite? What did you expect? You want to leave now, but why did you stay? How long have you been together? What is your situation? Why am I bothering as this is a troll? I’m RonBurgundy?

[ChickenMom]

Once the kids leave it sounds like a very lonely life for you. He’s content to just sit at home for the rest of his life. You aren’t compatible. It’s tricky to break up a family unit when there isn’t anything obviously wrong but he has a lack of a zest for life. It sounds like you’d be happier finding somebody with similar interests to you

[RainyApril]

It's not that easy though chicken. It does sound lonely, but so is living alone and there is no guarantee that op will find someone else. It is a huge risk and a very difficult decision. It could result in a new relationship, or being poorer and lonelier into old age.

Given that op loves him and sees his good qualities, I think couples counselling could be one thing to try before throwing the towel in. Of course both parties must want it, but I know two couples in similar circumstances who revolutionised their marriages using strategies given by their counsellor.

Op, I suspect your efforts were 'too much all at once' and ended up feeling forced, awkward or artificial. Good luck.

[PippyRose]

Thanks for your responses. I didn't expect to get a huge amount of response to this as it is probably a bit of a trivial/boring problem compared to most.

Soozikinzii - I know what you mean about compromises but I suppose I'm just craving a bit more than 'not too bad' at the moment. Maybe this will pass.

Doomedtoast - Slightly confused by your post (you been on the gin?) but to answer your question, we got together when we were in our twenties and I suppose it was a case of 'opposites attract'. There was something I just liked about him and we did find things to do together then. I just think he's become more 'him' and I've become more 'me' over the years.

Pumpkin - I will give it a while. It would be rash and reckless to do anything now while the kids are still home. I hope I'm not just projecting but it is possible.

Chicken Mom That is exactly my fear, a life of isolation. I look at other couples out and about enjoying life together and I do feel a bit empty as a result.

Thanks again.

[PippyRose]

Sorry RainyApril, I think we must have been typing at the same time! That's good advice. I may suggest counselling to him. It might get him to open up a bit and will give me a chance to express myself in a conducive environment.

Without meaning to sound arrogant, I think I could meet someone else, I'm only 43. However, I can't just bail because there's too much at stake. We are fond of each other and do still 'get on'.

You're definitely right about the 'too much too soon' thing. It was a proper culture shock when I asked him to step away from the PC and it made our differences seem so stark.

I just feel a bit down about it all and sometimes feel like escaping. Probably not uncommon at this stage of life.

[AgathaF]

Does he do anything away from the screen, anything that you could take and build on? Does he cook, garden, do diy, like walking or cycling, swim, read, play chess or other games?

What about if you did a challenge between you, to try something new each week. So you could commit to 1 hour of walking at the weekend together and see how that worked, or to trying out a new recipe for the evening meal together once a week, or to go swimming etc?

It sounds very much like you are putting an awful lot of effort into trying to improve your relationship, but that he isn't giving anything back. Has he made any suggestions of stuff to do together, or does he just refuse to leave the computer? What does he actually do on the computer?

[PippyRose]

Sadly, none of those things Agatha. He will go for walks but I always feel that he does it under duress and that his heart isn't really in it. I now find it difficult to actually enjoy spending time 'quality' time with him because I know I've had to coerce him into doing things and that can feel a bit soul destroying. It's hard to enjoy someone's company when you know they'd rather be doing something else.

He's a computer programmer. At home he does gaming, programming, reading stuff online. Anything really that involves looking at a screen :/

[AgathaF]

Does he realise that your relationship is under threat from his unwillingness to engage? Is he just complacent and doesn't see the need for change, or is he digging his heels in whilst fully realising that it could mean that it could end your relationship? Can he suggest stuff he'd like to do? I was thinking along the lines of the games he plays online. I imagine that he gets some sort of buzz from those, so maybe an activity that mimicks that would entice him - say going to a climbing wall, or go-carting?

I think ultimately if he doesn't wish to be more of a 'partner' (in the true sense of the word) to you then you have a decision to make on whether to wish to stay and grow old with this man, or not.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Staying with someone because it's your children's 'normal' isn't good enough. Children who are abused think it's 'normal' quite often (not that I'm suggesting your boys are abused, just that kids are very good at normalising a relationship that might not be optimal).

Re compromise - could you agree to each try something that the other likes doing, say, once a month? I must admit that I don't like the sound of him 'not doing holidays'. In twenty years you might be stuck with a guy who won't ever leave the house (and takes 'virtual holidays' through his hologlasses instead, so never needs to leave the computer).

[PippyRose]

Agatha - I have told that I'm not happy with things so he knows. I just think it's a case of him not wanting to do the same things as I do. He could argue that I won't spend time doing the things he likes (gaming, sci-fi etc) but I'm simply not interested in those things. I suppose neither of us can force ourselves to enjoy doing things that we find tedious and unfulfilling. My argument would be that the things I enjoy are not niche, they are normal (eg holidays). I suppose I'm just getting tired of thinking of ways to meet in the middle.

Zap - Yep. That's exactly my concern. I don't want to end up looking back in 20 years and thinking my life has passed me by whilst he shoots zombies with his mouse.

[Cricrichan]

I don't see how you'd be more lonely without him. Not going on holidays is extreme.

The kids will still be able to see him and enjoy their nerdy things together but you'll have a chance of meeting someone who you have more in common with (won't be hard!).

And I don't think the kids will feel much difference as he's not a big presence in their lives.

[AgathaF]

I don't want to end up looking back in 20 years and thinking my life has passed me by whilst he shoots zombies with his mouse - unfortunately I think that is a very real possibility. It sounds like a very lonely life for you now, and set to get worse once your boys have flown the nest.

I can understand that you would be worried about your kids reactions, about them being upset, if you separated. However, would your boys want you to stay living an unhappy and lonely life just so that on paper they have a 'complete' family unit? I doubt that they would. I think they would like to see a happy mum and a happy dad, and that can be achieved if you separate.

Have they ever mentioned their dad's lack of participation to you? They must have noticed, especially during your holidays.

[PippyRose]

I think they've just always assumed that he's not a 'holiday/outdoors' person. As Zap said I think kids just normalise things. The saddest thing is my eldest son is heading the same way with computers and I can't help but feel resentful that this has been presented as an acceptable way to live by my partner. I have always tried to get him (my son) to get out with his school mates or pursue other interests but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle and he's going to end up spending his life in front of a screen as well. My youngest son is far more balanced with this and loves socialising and going out. As a result he is more outgoing and confident. My partner argues that it's a personality thing and not harmful or abnormal in any way. I disagree.

I'm going to hang fire for the time being. My boys both have formal exams coming up and I don't want to disrupt things for them right now. My life is far from unbearable so it won't be hard to keep plodding on. But, I know I am going to have to consider changes in the long term. Sad as it seems, I know it can't carry on like this forever.

Thank you for helping me see it's not just me and that our relationship is certainly not ideal (and admittedly abnormal). It's good to get opinions from people who can be objective. I appreciate all your advice.

[Cricrichan]

Speak with your husband and tell him that you're looking at splitting up in the next few years. Maybe that will encourage him.to find mutual interests and he might find he enjoys it. If not, at least he'd have been warned and you can both make plans.

[PippyRose]

I agree we do need to have that chat. It will be with a very heavy heart though. As I said, he's a good man and I love him. We just don't want the same things out of life. It would be a sad, but possibly inevitable outcome in the long run. Better to be forewarned :(

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Unfortunately, if he lives his life on the computer, when you tell him you are thinking of splitting up he may well just shrug and go back to his gaming.

His life is virtual. He'll be able to spend more time in it when you're gone. It's a kind of addiction. You deserve more, OP.

[RainyApril]

This does sound like a very sad situation. I hope you both decide to try counselling, as I think you are exactly the type of couple who could benefit. My friend, who is a counsellor, says she can help anyone as long as she can't detect hatred or contempt in the first session. But bored, distant, grown apart - yes, definitely, if both people are committed.

I think it will give you both an opportunity to talk frankly, to try new strategies and to find each other again. Failing that, it will enlighten your dh to the seriousness of the situation and help you both to come to terms with separation.

[PippyRose]

Zap - your post made me want to both laugh and cry! Here's me doing all this heart-wrenching soul searching and you're probably right! Depressing really.

RainyApril - I am going to mention the counselling and see what he says but I suspect that it's more due to fundamental personality differences and incompatibility that just being bored and distant. But you're right, there is no hatred or contempt. I'm prepared to give it a go even if it is just to prepare ourselves for what might happen in the future. Thank you x

[Adora10]

Jesus, what a shit life, so what if he's not interested, by doing things together, he may become interested, how does he know if he makes zero attempt.

A great dad, he sounds shit, he has good banter with them, yeah, so does the postman; he's been a crap dad and a crap husband by the sounds of it and even though you are screaming from the roof tops that you both need to invest in the relationship, he's fucked that off too.

If i was you I'd start planning my own life, because this man sounds a dead weight around your neck.

[PippyRose]

Adora10 - Maybe I have created the impression that he is some sort of odious monster who only ever sits at his computer and snarls at anyone who approaches him. This is not the case:

He is a good Dad - he talks to them lots, is supportive of them and shows an interest in their lives and opinions. He gives them love and affection. They have lots of things in common (computers) and they have a good laugh together. He occasionally takes them to the cinema, he gives them lifts and goes to parents' evenings etc. He is generous with money and would never see them without. They think the world of him.

He is generous with me too and if I'm ever upset he will talk things through with me and support me. He sits with us to eat meals and we all chat together and there is no hostility. He gives me lots of hugs and kisses and buys me lovely presents. We even eat out as a family occasionally.

It is simply that we do not share any interests. As I said, we want different things out of life. He really isn't shit. I wouldn't say he makes zero effort, just not much, certainly when it comes to doing anything fun (other than computing/screens). He has no other passions. He knows what he likes and goes with that. He doesn't want friends or a social life. He doesn't have any enthusiasm for anything else.

To be fair, I have not been an angel over the years either. He is stable and logical. I am a bit erratic, scatty and emotional. I have probably made life difficult for him in lots of ways over the years.

I just wish we found the same things enjoyable, but we don't. Our expectations of life are poles apart sadly. I wouldn't say my life was shit. I do get out of the house with friends and family but not with him (unless we go food shopping).

[SandyY2K]

Do you share similar taste in music?

Or do you like the theatre?

Any common ground at all? Would he be interested in weekends away even if not a full blown holiday?

Would he travel to a place that had an interest of his maybe.

Does he not like the sun and enjoy relaxing in goid weather?