Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

online dating - possessive and haven't met yet?

54 replies

whatyadoing · 10/05/2018 20:28

Just musing really... Have been successfully/unsuccessfully online dating for a while now.
Recently got chatting to a new guy. We haven't met yet! He doesn't want me on the website at all!

What do you make of that?

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 10/05/2018 21:52

Why are you giving him the benefit of the doubt and meeting him when he is so obviously a possessive weirdo? Alternatively, why are you asking us if we think he’s a possessive weirdo if you’ve already decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and meet him?

infertililitybitch · 10/05/2018 21:57

Look if he's not a weirdo and just hasn't quite thought through the etiquette that's healthy in OLD he will accept your no and carry on chatting and realise it's a dumb thing to ask if you.

If he doesn't, you've lost nothing and had a very lucky escape. This is not real until you meet in the flesh.

I had one guy get arsey I was speaking to other people. I informed him I would be until I wanted to be exclusive with someone and as we hadn't met it was a dumb ask. He couldn't deal with that. Thank fuck I found out his need to control before I even wasted energy meeting him in person.

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/05/2018 23:04

My OH, when we first met, used to try the odd 'control' thing on me. 'I prefer your hair long/red', 'why don't you clean the house/mow the lawn etc more often?' things like that. He was VERY new to dating back then.

I just used to fix him with my steeling stare and tell him I would do exactly as I pleased with my own body and life, and he very soon got the message that telling me how to behave got him precisely nowhere. And he stopped completely. He had just heard that that was how you were supposed to 'be' with women (he's ASD and hasn't got a clue about interpersonal relationships). He's much better now, but I still sometimes have to do the 'excuse ME?' With a different kind of woman I guess he might be seen as controlling, though.

crimsonlake · 10/05/2018 23:50

Not sure why you are asking the question as you have already decided to meet him despite other peoples warnings.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 11/05/2018 05:58

Are you serious? Why would you post on here asking for advice about some weirdo you met online if you're already planning to meet him.
If someone tried to tell me what I could or couldn't do before I'd even met them I wouldn't be meeting them, end of.
But then after an abusive relationship I have 0 tolerance for this type of bullshit.

Although I would suggest you do some work on personal boundaries, remember what he says online can be very different to what he actually is.

Shoxfordian · 11/05/2018 06:16

Why are you meeting him? There's no obligation to give someone the benefit of the doubt when there are red flags before you even meet.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 11/05/2018 06:38

Why the fuck would you meet him! Jeez have some self respect, are you really that desperate?

Original poster
whatyadoing · 11/05/2018 06:39

Update!

Went back online and woke up to the following message from Mr. Cop (apologies in advance for HIS poor grammar)

"I see your on line and I was going to call but I don't think you have time for me. I thought you would not go online I thought you wanted to get to know me but it's ok I hope you meet the right men good luck"

GONE.COM
#FUCK THAT FOR A GAME OF SOLDIERS/COPS

OP posts:
Original poster
whatyadoing · 11/05/2018 06:47

Irony is that he must have been online to see that I was online! Twat.
Lucky escape.

I knew it was a red flag, but yes, you've saved me the torture of a SECOND abusive relationship (last one started out similarly 'passionate') until he beat seven shades of shit out of me.

The hunt for Mr. Right continues......

OP posts:
Original poster
whatyadoing · 11/05/2018 06:48

I'm only just finding my freedom anyway, so I don't think I really want to be tied down yet even if it was Mr. Right.

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 11/05/2018 06:52

It shouldn't have even taken him to send that message for you to fuck him off

But good job

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 11/05/2018 06:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
whatyadoing · 11/05/2018 07:01

Oh fuck off with your admonishments.

I haven't got time for that shit either.

OP posts:
Incarnationsofunderstanding · 11/05/2018 07:07

its take two to get into abusive relationships

Well isn't that just awful judgemental bullshit? Assume you've been there done that if you can be so cavalier as to
Victim blame like that?

Op saw the red flag and posted here to be fair to her, she didn't totally ignore her instincts or totally ignore the advice and learning to trust yourself and see these men clearly is not an easy step.

Seriously back in your box with that crap!

Original poster
whatyadoing · 11/05/2018 07:10

Incarnationsofunderstanding that's exactly it. Rarely have I heard such bullshit. Lol
Sure you deserve a beating!

OP posts:
HarryLovesDraco · 11/05/2018 07:10

Not going to admonish you love but you really have to pay attention to red flags.

MarthasGinYard · 11/05/2018 07:11

'"I see your on line and I was going to call but I don't think you have time for me. I thought you would not go online I thought you wanted to get to know me but it's ok I hope you meet the right men good luck"'

Fucking hell.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 11/05/2018 07:20

Yes, I have been there, Incarnation, all the way there... and what got me out of this destructive dynamic was to stop seeing myself as the victim with no control of her circumstances and start taking responsibility for my own safety.

Incidentally, that’s what you learn in the Freedom Programme and other schemes aimed to stop domestic abuse: That it is in your hands to stop it.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 11/05/2018 07:37

The beauty of online dating is that you can afford to be picky and weed out the dicks and psychos, of which there are many.

You don't need to give anyone 2nd chances or the benefit of the doubt when things start ringing alarm bells.
In all seriousness I wouldn't invest any time or energy into a person who thought they could tell me what to do despite never even meeting me.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 11/05/2018 07:38

Oh wow..post failed to update and Iv just seen your latest op.

category12 · 11/05/2018 07:46

Op, have you thought about why you were initially inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt?

Angelf1sh · 11/05/2018 07:49

Yes the op posted here Incarnation but actually she did totally ignore her instincts (“is he a bit weird and controlling given it’s so early on?”) and the advice (“yes it’s really weird and controlling, you should run away fast”) because she decided straight away to give him the benefit of the doubt and meet him anyway! The only reason she’s not still meeting him is because HE told HER it was off.

I still don’t understand the point of this thread, especially given how fast op had decided to meet him anyway.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/05/2018 09:20

Did you have DV support when your last abusive relationship ended?
Have you done the Womens Aid Freedom Programme.
If not, then do it now.
Red flags all over the place and you were still willing to give him a chance.

Perfecto · 11/05/2018 09:52

I briefly chatted to a man online and I mean briefly. When I didn’t get back to him immediately mid-chat, he said, if you are talking to other men, you are not for me and off he flounced.

He is still online and changed his headline to, if you are chatting to other men you are not for me Confused.

MarthasGinYard · 11/05/2018 09:54

'He is still online'

Can't think why Grin

Let's hope he's taken out one of those longer 'better value' memberships

Swipe left for the next trending thread