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Original poster

Doesn’t know what he wants - give him time?

50 replies

itsadventuretime · 10/05/2018 08:34

I’ve written here before, been in “not sure what I feel and want” limbo with my husband of 10 years for two months now. He keeps asking for time and doesn’t want to leave/let us leave. Has too much damage already been done by his insecurity about me? Did anyone have patience with their DH and he came back strong? We both started individual therapy and he has been nice around the house (except he freaks out if he feels I have any expectations of him, like plans together), but not affectionate. This limbo is terrible.

OP posts:
LetMeGo66 · 10/05/2018 08:38

Wow, 10 years is a ridiculous amount of time for someone to not know what they want!!! Think of what you could have done in those 10 years, you could have met someone else who does know they want you!

I think he’s had plenty of time and unless a better offer comes along he’s going to continue to use you as his backup .

Original poster
itsadventuretime · 10/05/2018 08:42

Sorry, we’ve been together for 10 years, most good times - he says he’s been feeling weird and unsure since this winter. Since 2 months we’ve been talking about it, and it’s hard to be patient while he figures himself out - even though he did start therapy as he promised.

OP posts:
Flexoset · 10/05/2018 08:56

Sorry, but I think you should move on. Otherwise he has just got you on a string as a backup option and that imbalance of power is a very unhealthy relationship. The longer it continues, the worse it gets and the less respect he will have for you.

After 10 years with you he most surely has enough information to know whether he wants to be with you or not. He is behaving very unreasonably and selfishly. You are considering his feelings but he is not considering yours.

He freaks out about making plans after 10 years together? FFS.

It sounds like he is only still around because he fears change or hasn't lined up his next woman yet. But this is just guesswork. Whatever his motivation, this situation is not one you should have to put up with. Imo he needs to commit and put a LOT of effort and affection into the relationship (not going to happen) or ship out and give you a reasonable opportunity of finding the decent and respectful relationship you deserve.

Flexoset · 10/05/2018 09:07

N.B. Just because you split up doesn't mean you will never get back together if the relationship really is good (I think this is v unlikely, but it might be a line of argument to use to get him out). But he has no right to expect you to be committed to him and living with him when he is not committed to you. This treatment is cruel and unfair.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/05/2018 09:08

So he has all the power here?
You are just expected to accept his crap while he decides if wants you or the OW!??
Wow. Please stop this.
Get away and get yourself some headspace.
Even if it's just for a week.
Is that possible?

TwittleBee · 10/05/2018 09:11

I agree with PP, time to move on. You can't let him strong you along whilst you want to start moving on with your life. You both need to make the clean break and start fresh. You are both probably just feeling comfortable and worried to find out what life will be like without each other, especially after 10 years.

I had horrible limbo towards the end with my Ex of 4 years. He was unsure where he saw us, what plans we should make etc. There was certainly a feel from him that he saw us as comfortable and was unsure whether to leave what he knew or go with someone new. In the end he made a move on the woman he had fancied for a while and left. I certainly felt like I was just the back up option - especially as he was attempting to still keep in contact with me

Original poster
itsadventuretime · 10/05/2018 09:13

Two weeks ago I left for the weekend and he said he was very hurt by that. I know this isn’t good enough. Correct, he knows me in and out, “not knowing” is as bad as knowing he doesn’t want to be here anymore. It’s hard when I put my foot down and he totally flips to “no wait, I don’t want to be without you” but then continues to be cold. Not enough effort. But I’m also confused now about what I want - so what if he genuinely is too?

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 10/05/2018 09:17

Have you back tracked to last winter? Has he had his head turned and feels guilty?

Original poster
itsadventuretime · 10/05/2018 09:23

Aprilmightbemynewname Entirely possible. Of course he denied it repeatedly and unfortunately I have no proof.

OP posts:
evergreen7 · 10/05/2018 09:37

What triggered his sudden change? Do you think someone else could have turned his head or did something significant happen 2months ago?
Either way it's very unfair to do this to someone you have been committed to for the past 10years.

I would detach and see what happens. Do your own thing and don't chase him in any way, look after yourself and if you want to work things out I would tell him that you can't live in limbo any longer as Its not fair on you and its damaging longterm, give him a deadline
"DH I understand you've been having doubts recently and I have been sticking around and trying to understand and support you, I am still willing to work things out (if you are op) but it's not very fair or healthy to be stuck in limbo for so long whilst you sort your feelings out after 10years of being together, so for the sake of my wellbeing I think we should give it until X date and if you're still unable to articulate what you want we should go our separate ways."
Don't engage in any discussions about how it's unfair for him to put a deadline on it or how he's panicking etc be very factual about it, it might give him a cold shower and realise he wants you or he wants to be alone but at least it will stop this terrible limbo where you're dangling on a string.
in the meantime focus on doing your own thing and going about your life you've been patient enough and it's time to take some control back and assert yourself and think about what YOU want op.

Original poster
itsadventuretime · 10/05/2018 09:42

evergreen7 Thank you, that makes sense. Every day I let this go on it makes my confidence drop. At work I lead a team of 10 people and I had to sit them down and explain I’m going through something and that’s why I haven’t been myself (I’m a bit of a cheerleader for the whole company) and to see these 10 people genuinely worried about me, lovingly saying they will do anything to help kind of broke my heart. They are showing more kindness and concern than the one man who is supposed to be my number 1 support.

OP posts:
BrightonCalling · 10/05/2018 10:31

I dont believe in giving men time, whatever the type of relationship.
If they want to be with you they want to be with you, and if not, im out.

There are so many different people out there for everyone.

Adora10 · 10/05/2018 13:26

Nah fuck that OP, let him go and live away from you then while he works out if he wants you or not, bloody cheek, I'd not tolerate living with him when he feels that way, he's not too bothered about your feelings though is he, wants to continue his status quo and domestic advantages while you hang about waiting on him to make his mind up, nah, stop doing it; the cruelty of some people on here is shocking, so unbelievably selfish.

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/05/2018 13:38

I second Adora. Make him go and live somewhere else, wash his own socks, cook his own food etc. It's very easy to float about being 'undecided' while you've got a comfortable lifestyle - having to actually cater for EVERYTHING alone tends to concentrate the mind.

Also, beware him saying he wants to come back just because he gets someone to share the housework with...if he comes back he has to truly commit.

Original poster
itsadventuretime · 11/05/2018 14:16

Having another difficult day. It really feels like my life is on pause while his just carries on as if nothing happened. The lack of affection kills me. We take care of house stuff 50/50, so he’s not still here just for clean socks and a meal. I think he’s still here because he’s scared of change, terrified there’s no way back if he leaves (I made that clear and meant it), afraid of losing our daughter or guilt (from still not proven affair). But my therapist advised me to, just for now, believe he’s really going through something, and sit and watch for a while. But it drives me crazy he might think this means I’m sitting there waiting for him to decide my fate. Every day pushes me a bit further from him. He has taken to waving to me before we go to sleep or when he leaves the house. Waving! 👋🏻

OP posts:
SoapOnARoap · 11/05/2018 15:11

Take control of this. Don’t dance to his tune. He’s being a knob

HollowTalk · 11/05/2018 15:18

What does your therapist mean, "he's going through something." The thing he's going through is a rejection of you - why on earth should you sit that out?

I know it's awful to hear, but this has "affair" stamped all over it. Whether it's still ongoing is anyone's guess. If it is, I think she must be married, or he would have gone to her. I know he's denied it, but tbh, men will deny it even if they're caught in the act. They deny it to keep their options open.

I would say to him, "Well, I'll help you clarify things in your mind. I don't want you here any more. I want someone who loves me and cares for me and will fight for me. I don't want someone who's dithering about. It's insulting and I won't have it. So, it's time to get going. Bear in mind that if you decide later that you want me, you will probably be too late."

Then wait and see. Insist he goes. If he won't, get the estate agents round and put the house up for sale. Show him you mean business. Be assertive and confident, even if you just want to cry.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/05/2018 15:21

Two weeks ago I left for the weekend and he said he was very hurt by that.

Fuck that. it's Ok for him to tell you he might want to leave but he 'doesn't know' and to string this out for 2months but you can't leave. WTF? Why are you doing the 'pick me' dance?

Take control and ask him to leave.

magoria · 11/05/2018 15:25

What the others say if he doesn't know what he wants make the decision and tell him that you are not an option.

Then it is a done deal. It will hurt like hell to start but slowly you will start to heal. Better than being in limbo while he spends the next x months making up his mind.

Original poster
itsadventuretime · 11/05/2018 15:37

Ah, HollowTalk that sounds really good. I don’t know why I’m still so scared to make the move. There’s nothing to save here, this is not good enough. My mom asked me, if he turned around tomorrow and did everything right, would you ever trust him 100% again? No. He did too much damage.

OP posts:
SpandexTutu · 11/05/2018 15:56

If it were me, I would be following Hollowtalk's advice.
I have 2 friends where something similar happened, and they both took this tough approach and in both instances it finally gave their partners the kick up the arse that they needed to see sense and sort it out.
I could not sit around and let somebody do this to me and my life. Not sure if you want me anymore? Let me make it easy for you - here's the door... close it behind you on the way out.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 11/05/2018 16:01

This is really cruel in my opinion OP. He should have the guts to make an opinion and stick to it. What a weasel.

HotFlushesMoi · 11/05/2018 16:15

I know a guy who did this for a year because he 'didn't want to hurt his wife' by telling her the truth. Thoroughly selfish. You need to take control. Btw there was an OW and he's with her now but as far as I know the now XW still has no idea.

PenguindreamsofDraco · 11/05/2018 16:24

Go and listen to A Little Time on loop for a bit. True then true now.

MarieG10 · 11/05/2018 16:43

He is taking the piss. In fact my money is on someone else in the sidelines and he is trying to decide. Make the decision for him

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