Doesn’t know what he wants - give him time?

[itsadventuretime]

I’ve written here before, been in “not sure what I feel and want” limbo with my husband of 10 years for two months now. He keeps asking for time and doesn’t want to leave/let us leave. Has too much damage already been done by his insecurity about me? Did anyone have patience with their DH and he came back strong? We both started individual therapy and he has been nice around the house (except he freaks out if he feels I have any expectations of him, like plans together), but not affectionate. This limbo is terrible.

I have a really big suspicion of who he might be cheating with, but I’m not sure how to make him trip. It’s someone he works with. I don’t know her, but he hired her in December so the timeline would fit. Any advice on what to ask about her to see how he reacts? Have no access to his phone/computer.

Do you really need to trip him up? You know in your heart what he is doing. Once you split from him, she will gradually emerge from the sidelines with the story of how they got together after your split up!

The time to think line is such a classic!

I would probably style it out and make out I knew.
I'd say I know what's going on and I know who it's with and if he doesn't fess up you will tell everyone what he's been doing.
See how he reacts to that.
If he starts stumbling over his words and denying stuff, ask to see his phone there and then.
His reaction to that request will tell you all you need to know!

Tbh if he is having an affair it is irrelevant now. He is treating you dreadfully whilst making all this about him and his quandary. Well boo hoo. He is a selfish dick. If he loved you he wouldn’t do this. I would kick his sorry arse out and make sure the door banged it as it shut.

Be strong!

"'I'll help you clarify things in your mind. I don't want you here any more. I want someone who loves me and cares for me and will fight for me. I don't want someone who's dithering about. It's insulting and I won't have it. So, it's time to get going."

This. Who wants to be someone's second choice, their "I'm staying because it's the least scary option" person?

Being "not sure" isn't good enough for you. You want 100 per cent or nothing.

And I agree, if there's not another woman I'll eat my hat

Ok. You guys are making me feel stronger. I’ll try to confront him tonight. Two months of this are enough.

Definitely do it, it will give you some control back over what must be a horrid situation. Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

Two months is MORE than enough. Who wants to be with someone who doesn't want to 100% be with you?

Good luck

It does tie in, then, this new woman at work and his immediate change in behaviour. It's so transparent at times.

I agree, there's no way of finding out. It's as you say to your mum, you wouldn't want him back now anyway. He's destroyed what you had.

It is very, very sad, but happier times do lie ahead for you.

Hope you are feeling a bit clearer about everything this morning op.

This is 99.9999 per cent affair. You really don’t need any proof OP

Hi all. Talked to him last night. Long story short, he still swears up and down there is no OW, he is only confused about his feelings for me because in our life he said “yes” to too many things he didn’t really want (like holidays or wallpaper!), and he now resents me for it. So it’s my fault basically and I should’ve known when he said “yes” he meant “no”. He let it fester inside him with zero attempt to solve things (stupid, ridiculous things) and now it’s my fault for that too. He can fuck right off. I’ve got a huge work trip Monday/Tuesday, if by the time I’m back he doesn’t have a plan on leaving he will have to leave wherever, not my problem. He’s perfectly normal now, as if nothing happened. It kind of blows my mind. I woke up to a beautiful day today, thinking “Imagine what a great day today would be if you were with someone who loved you and couldn’t wait to spend it with you”

So he's rewriting history too. Scraping up past 'problems' that 'show' he's been unhappy for a long time and making it your fault for FORCING him into horrible holidays and evil wallpaper. He resents the wallpaper ffs! Lol

Script much?

My ex also threw back any decisions we made as my wrong ones!! He resented that one of us was an adult in our marriage and it wasn't him.
He had initially said no to getting 2 kittens but changed his mind so we got them. Then said I knew he didn't want them and I only got them to take the piss out of him! (?) Every day he got angrier and angrier that we had them.
He moved out at my request a few weeks later.. And I filed for divorce.
He was unable to manage an adult relationship.
Sounds like yours.

Honestly, I cannot believe some of the shit women put up with on here. I'd have slung him out on his twatty hole months ago.
He's a selfish knob and you'd be better off without him.

Good job talking to him, I guess he’s leaving Wednesday, or does he have to be gone by the time you get back Tuesday? Stick to it, his reasons are utter bollocks.

He’s always been kind of miserable and he finds no real joy in anything - but I knew that when I married him. He never feels strongly about ANYTHING. I always check with him on every decision, but how can I read his mind or make the difference between stuff he cares about and things he doesn’t? His attitude is always flatline. Even on the day my daughter was born he was just numb. I however am bubbly and passionate - I thought that’s why we worked.

This is the script!

I don't gamble but I'd bet on a OW.

Get your ducks in a row. Secure documents before your work trip (or pack them). Then kick him into the long grass.

What a fucking knobber he is! Get your papers in order before you leave and tell him it's 100% over and he can fuck off whilst you are away.

He's full of shit. He's got another woman and is waiting until he can carry on with her.

He's following a script, too, making it all into your fault so he doesn't feel guilty. What an arse.

You deserve better.

I agree. I guess next week’s really gonna be adventure time.

Oh how did I guess it'd be all your fault. And yes it's a definite history rewrite going on. Just kick him into touch. It sounds like he just drags you down anyway op.

I had one of these! When asked for an opinion on anything it was always 'whichever you like' or 'sounds okay to me'. Couldn't even make a decision on a destination for a day out.

But apparently I railroaded him into things. Only because ONE OF US had to make some kind of decision about things or we'd have drifted through life with nothing done!

When my dh said I don’t care re a detail I started to pick really really shit options. He suddenly cared when I said our 6 weeks travelling in Europe was going to be two weeks in a local beach town as it was too much effort and cost to organise the big holiday if he really didn’t care.

He also does this thing which drives me insane - he is nice and makes time for EVERYONE but me. Everything from work to marginal friends come before me. He totally takes me for granted. I feel like there is no better saying than “familiarity breeds contempt”. I’ll keep you posted on how next week goes.

How's it all looking so far, op?