Pil. But not mil bashing

[FindingNormal]

I don't have a good relationship with my pil. Over the years little things have built up and now I know I'm tetchy and grumpy when they're around. Last year they did something which I thought was awful but I do accept it wasn't calculated, just thoughtless.
It's got to the point where I've built up a real wall around myself when it comes to them and I struggle to be nice to them. They're not genuinely bad people, a bit irritating (but who isn't) and can be thoughtless but in the other hand I'm defensive, sarcastic and grumpy. I know they love my children. How I am around them upsets my husband so I want make things better. I've suggested we all sit down and clear the air but husband thinks that's a bad idea so how do I chip away at this wall?? I don't necessarily want to be close to them but I can't keep being this bristly bitch.

Right that was very rambling but I was upset. I suppose what I was asking is what's the best way to extend an olive branch without making myself too vulnerable ?

I think your husbands wrong, you DO need to clear the air otherwise how will you ever let go of your resentment towards them?

Unless you have a conversation with them I dont think much will change.

If that doesn’t happen then you will just have to fake it every time you see them.

What did they do last year and did they ever apologise for their "thoughtlessness"?. Would you have tolerated any of what they have done here from a friend?

There are perhaps very good reasons why you yourself do not have a good relationship with your PILs. Do not deny or bury your feelings further here to spare your husband his. He has grown up with these people and regards what they do as normal and he may well have some fear, obligation and guilt re them too. Is he still seeking their approval, does he revert to childlike mode in their presence?.

Are you being leaned on by him and your own sense of obligation here to hold out an olive branch?. What is your H doing here to improve relations re his parents, if things do need improving that is?. Why is he thinking exactly that meeting up with them to clear the air is a bad idea?.

Why is it down to you to make things better, they will have to do the work as well and they may well not want to do that. How do you know that your PILs love your children, how do they show this?.

I'm not being leaned on, I recognise the need to make things better I think things have got to a point where family gatherings are stressful for everyone. My husband loves his parents and they love him, they have a very positive relationship which I recognise I have the potential to damage and I don't want to. Some of my resentment might be due to the fact I do not have a positive relationship with my parents and I know that this isn't pil's fault.

I know they love my children, well one of them at least and I do worry they don't love the other as much. They're helpful - they've leant us money for our house and came to help look after my eldest when I went into premature labour last year. I find them a bit much sometimes, and I find what I know deep down is their trying to be helpful and involved, intrusive. Much of that I think is that I am very private and don't let people close easily, by marrying their son it feels like they've been parachuted into my 'close' space without my permission and that freaks me out so I react by shoving them away as hard as I can. Which isn't necessarily fair to them. Does that make sense?

If you admit that there are a lot of issues that have nothing to do with them, then why don’t you explore those issues with someone who is qualified to do so?

It's not surprising that you have problems with them - you have said yourself:

they did something awful last year
they love one of your children more than the other
and therefore must show it as otherwise how would you know?
they are over involved and intrusive
they lent you money which skews the boundaries

Do you really think it is you being too private or do you think they are difficult people? How much time are you expected to spend with them? Does your husband have any empathy for your feelings?

Why would you feel they only love one of your dc?

You seem able to see many positives about them, can you keep reminding yourself of them and practise the nod and smile if they're irritating you?
I know it sounds simplistic but essentially fake it til you make it

Can you give some details about what sort of thing they did and their relationship with your children. Its difficult to see what advice to give without those details.

What was the awful thing they did?

FN

You may well be recognising some of your parents own behaviours towards you in your ILs hence your behaviour towards them now.

What are your boundaries like with regards to your ILs; do you feel they need further adjustment and refining?. What is and is not acceptable to you from them?. Why is it down to you seemingly solely to make things better?.

Re your comment:-

"I know they love my children, well one of them at least and I do worry they don't love the other as much. They're helpful - they've leant us money for our house and came to help look after my eldest when I went into premature labour last year. I find them a bit much sometimes, and I find what I know deep down is their trying to be helpful and involved, intrusive".

There are plenty of red flags re them in the above so its not altogether surprising that your own relationship with them is not an ideal one. I am wondering if their financial help is actually obligation and control, some parents do use money as a means of further controlling their own offspring and in turn their family unit. Is his parents love for their son really based on condition and control, this is something that needs further consideration.

It may be a good idea for you to have a chat with a therapist re these relationships.

Atilla, are you aware of the concept of projection?

Yes but I do not think I am projecting here. My points made are general ones.

I don't think I need to see a therapist particularly. What I'm trying to do is explain that I'm aware I hold them at arms length and the difficult relationship isn't all their fault. I'm trying to be fair and balanced and accept my part in getting to where we are now.

The reason I think they love one child and not the other is that when dc1 was born we were presented with huge over the top amounts of gifts and the regular stream of 'stuff' for her has continued. We've had next to nothing for dc2. Just to clarify, I'm not being grabby, I'd prefer them to stop showering dc1 with presents all the time, but to do it with 1 and not the other seems sad and unfair. Husband thinks it's because dc2 is still quite little and they don't know her as well, but I don't buy this as the presents for dc1 started as soon as she was born.

I'm not going to say what they did last year as it's quite outing. It wasn't malicious though just insensitive and thoughtless.

What I'm looking for here is ways to make peace with them not ways to shift the blame.

Why should you actually make peace with people who blatantly favour your first child over your youngest?. They should be treated equally and such favouritism should not be at all tolerated by you as their parents. It could well damage the relationship going forward between siblings as the youngest one will notice her elder sister being more favoured.

Attila relationships aren't that black and white are they? My husband values his relationship with parents that he loves, Ive recognised that I'm a barrier to that and I just want to make things better. Perhaps if we had a better relationship I'd be able to say 'ey up pils, why all the presents for a and not b?' And they might have a reason...

OP, there are people on here who will convince you that your ILs are bad people regardless of who they are or what they’ve done simply because they are inlaws. The instant someone comes on here to talk about family there are regular posters for whom the only answer is that you should recognise that you’ve done no wrong and that they are at fault and that you need to cut them out of your life. .

The reality is that it’s sometimes necessary to take a step back and look at things objectively rather than from an angle of being to close to the situation.

With regard to your children, was your first the first grandchild per chance? If so it could explain the amount of gifts and fuss etc, also first babies do generally get more attention than second ones just because that’s how it is. it grates at the time but as time goes on it becomes less important. I remember for instance being completely down on a member of eXH’s family because they used to ask about the baby last and that must have meant they didn’t care about him. my FIL told me in no uncertain terms to get a grip but of course as he was my PFB I was right and they were all wrong and how could they not see it? and years on I think that I must have taken leave of my senses at that point, and life has moved on for us all and ILs are lovely people and life has dealt them some truly awful stuff and really it wasn’t important in the scheme of things.

Likewise the bad thing they did. You admit yourself it wasn’t malicious but insensitive perhaps. Was anyone hurt by it? Genuinely hurt I mean rather than put out? Or is it something which in retrospect happened and because of the fact that you are all different people who have been thrown together through circumstances it means that you’ve automatically taken against them whereas if it was someone else going through it you might be advising them to get past it by now?

The reality is that when we marry into a family it can often be difficult to forge a relationship with that family by virtue of the fact that we are all just different people and might not have chosen to associate with one another were it not for the shared person in the middle iyswim.

Could you start from scratch with them, re-establish the relationship where they have a relationship with your children and you and your DP and then go from there?

Sometimes it's worth stopping to wonder whether you are judging pils against a higher standard than anyone else. The thing they did-would you forgive a friend, or your own sister? It's also important o remember that your pil's primary relationship is with your husband and children, not with you. If you can achieve a polite cordiality then that's all you need. Any more is a bonus.

I probably am hard on them, I find it hard to forgive. The point of this thread though was - what can I do about it? Would writing a letter be weird. Something along the lines of things are shit, faults at both sides, let's make it better....?

I think it is possible to move on. I had a terrible relationship with my SIL and she definitely didn't like me. However when my nephews were born I realised I'd have to swallow the past and deal with her. I stopped only dealing with my dB and communicated directly with her. I made an effort to ask about my nephews and show I wanted to be involved in their lives. We do have a positive relationship now although we'll never be close. What made it easier is the fact she'd always been good to be kids, who were much older than hers. She was a good auntie. If you feel your ILs are good grandparents, I'm sure you could force yourself. I'm a bit concerned that you suggest they favour one dgc though.

I would read the Toxic in laws book by Susan Forward. It is really helpful and explains why in laws behave the way they do, as well as looking at the issues that you have contributed/ brought to the table that have helped create a poor relationship. It also guides you through creating better boundaries and confronting/ discussing the issues that are creating bad feeling and improving the relationship with pil.

Many people may assume that the Toxic in laws book encourages severing relations with in laws, however this is absolutely the last straw. Instead the text looks to help improve both the readers marriage and the relationship the reader and their partner have with parents/ in laws.

There is great advice on approaching a confrontation, either via letter or in person.

www.amazon.co.uk/Toxic-Laws-Susan-Forward/dp/0060507853/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Toxic+inlaws&dpID=517fWk8CwML&preST=SY344_BO1&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1525983247&sr=8-1,204,203,200_QL70&dpSrc=srch

You sound pretty level headed OP. I wouldn't write a letter though, least said soonest mended and all that.

Don't let little things build up, address them at the time in a non confrontational manner.

Contrary to what some posters on here will tell you, we are all human (in laws included) and we all piss one another off at times but so long as it isn't intentional you have to shrug it off.

If your DH done whatever it was his parents done last year, would you still be treating him the way you are treating them or would you have moved on by now?

Sometimes, you can draw a line under the past, it's gone, cannot be changed, then look at a situation from where you're all at right now as a starting point and plan where you want to be in the future and how you're going to get there.

That avoids all the he said, she did, if they had, why didn't he etc. recriminations, because the starting point of the process is right now.

Google the 15 commitments. It might help