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Original poster

How to tell him he's not on the birth certificate?

42 replies

rednail · 09/05/2018 17:13

NC for this...

Bit of background-
Ex split up with me after I found out I was pregnant. Was pretty disgusting (threatened to kill himself if I didn't abort, when I didn't he said he wanted me to miscarry + plenty other horrible stuff) ff to a couple of months before I gave birth he decided he wanted to be involved.
He bought nothing for baby, was awful, didn't show up to the birth though I told him he could be there. I still gave him a chance and now she's born he's seen her a lot and I think he is trying to be a good dad.

He assumed he would be on the BC and that she would have his last name but I thought after everything it was best I left him off and he could show he was actually worthy of being on there. (I know a lot of people will think I'm awful for leaving him off but i am more than willing to put him on in future as long as he sticks around and continues trying to be a good dad)

I kept meaning to tell him I wasn't going to put him on but I can't bring myself to do it as terrified of reaction. I've now done the BC and I'm even more terrified to tell him. How do I go about doing it? In message or in person? How's he going to react?

OP posts:

Lokissister · 09/05/2018 17:15

Just don’t mention it until he asks, then reply that you’ve already done it?

FeckTheMagicDragon · 09/05/2018 17:16

Why are you terrified of telling him? And your DC having your name is fine.

DorothyBastard · 09/05/2018 17:16

Are you married? If not then he should realise he’s not on the BC as he wasn’t present when you registered her

Aprilmightbemynewname · 09/05/2018 17:17

How old is your dc? If older than 6 weeks surely he will known you have registered alone? And he can't be on if he didn't attend!

MyNameIsTotoro · 09/05/2018 17:17

Just don't tell him. If he was that bothered he'd do a quick Google and realise that he had to be there with you at the registration to get his name on BC. If he's too lazy/thick to do this then that's not your concern.

If he's that bothered in future he can apply to have it added.

Sounds like he's done nothing useful so far so why on earth would she have his name!!!

LIZS · 09/05/2018 17:18

Unless you were married he would have had to be present at the registration.

SayNoToCarrots · 09/05/2018 17:22

I don't think you are awful. I think you have done the right thing. Also, as others have said , he needs to be at the registration to have his name on the birth certificate.

Bahhhhhumbug · 09/05/2018 17:23

Well he is her father and nothing you can do or say will change that It's a legal document and l think your daughter has a right to have an accurate record of her ancestry and then make up her own mind when she's d enough whether he is worthy of havIng a relationship with. Also do they still put 'father unknown' on if no name provided. Not very nice for your dd to carry around through life if so.

category12 · 09/05/2018 17:24

I hope you gave your dc your surname as well.

You did the right thing. He would have had to come with you to register the birth. He's the one in error here.

EscapistTendencies · 09/05/2018 17:25

You couldn't have put him on if you wanted to. As pp said he needs to be present at the registration and that ship has sailed. He can be added at a later date I think but if he can't be bothered to find these things out himself I wouldn't be pointing him in the right direction.

Original poster

rednail · 09/05/2018 17:25

No @Bahhhhhumbug it's not the effing 1900's 😑 they just leave it blank

OP posts:

llangennith · 09/05/2018 17:25

Don’t tell him. If he finds out and has a tantrum well that’s just too bad.
He’s not a nice man to have around your DD if you’re scared of him.

EscapistTendencies · 09/05/2018 17:26

No they don't Bah, it's just left blank.

timeisnotaline · 09/05/2018 17:26

Why is telling him a big deal? No way in hell would I have put a guy who had done nothing , abused you and told you to abort the baby on the bc or given baby his name. If he’s upset you tell him that. The jury’s still out on whether he will be any kind of dad, and it is 100% clear you are a committed Mum so baby gets your name.

Buckingfrolicks · 09/05/2018 17:28

My DP is on our DCs birth certificate but they have my surname.

Your ex needs a fucking good shake if he thinks he has any rights to name/certification.

KirstenRaymonde · 09/05/2018 17:28

You were right in the circumstances to leave him off, and give her your name. But I wouldn’t tell him unless it comes up, in which you say as he wasn’t there for the birth and registration and you’re not married, of course he’s not on it.

AmazingPostVoices · 09/05/2018 17:29

l think your daughter has a right to have an accurate record of her ancestry and then make up her own mind when she's d enough whether he is worthy of havIng a relationship with

Bahh you misunderstand. Putting a man on the BC has far wider consequences that the child having an accurate record of her parentage.

There are legal ramifications.

OP Did he ask to attend the registry office with you? Did he make any effort to make sure he was on the BC? Did he find out anything about it?

I bet the answer is no to all those.

SandyY2K · 09/05/2018 17:30

I don't blame you for a minute. Why would he expect the baby to have his last name after what he did. I must be very unforgiving because after the way he behaved...I'd have made it such that he couldn't find me or the baby.

Has he ever apologised to you?

Fatted · 09/05/2018 17:32

Unless he brings it up, I wouldn't bother mentioning it.

Bah, she can still be aware of her ancestry and father, she can still have a relationship with him when she is old enough to decide for herself. In the meantime, why should she be forced to have a relationship with someone who wanted rid of her?

hellsbellsmelons · 09/05/2018 17:34

Just don't tell him.
You are scared of him so why on earth are you letting him have access to your DD.
He is not on the BC so has no parental rights to anything so he fuck off.

Bahhhhhumbug
It's not about ancestry, it's about protecting yourself and DC from an abusive partner/father.
It's not rocket science!

mayhew · 09/05/2018 17:34

I don't know anyone in the UK who doesn't know that both unmarried parents have to attend the Register Office to enter fathers name. If he was interested, he could easily find out.
At some point he'll realise she doesn't have his name. Well she's a person, not his possession and having his name has nothing to do with being a good dad.
My daughter has my name. I am married to her dad but why shouldn't she have my name?
He has no problem with this because it's not all about him.

category12 · 09/05/2018 17:35

Not very nice for your dd to carry around through life if so What a lot of rubbish. The dc will know who the father is, and no one looks at your birth certificate bar a few officials who've more to think about than an empty box. Christ.

TERFragetteCity · 09/05/2018 17:55

If you are terrified of him and his reaction, then you might want to rethink him even being in your daughter's life.

Bahhhhhumbug · 09/05/2018 18:03

As l said l wasn't sure whether they still put 'father unknown' like they used to and then went on to say that's not nice for the child. So they don't put that anymore and just leave it blank it seems.
But l still think he's her father and should be recorded as such. It's alright saying she can still be told who he is and make up her own mind but what if the mum decides not to tell her and there is no available public record of who he is, then if God forbid anything happens to mum then the child would never know and this is important for a lot of people, to know where they come from.
I haven't said anything about her having his name and l agree that should be up to the mum if they're not married.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 09/05/2018 18:03

I don't know anyone in the UK who doesn't know that both unmarried parents have to attend the Register Office to enter fathers name.

A certain ex leader of the Labour Party apparently didn’t know.

Put me off voting for him!

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