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Original poster

Cheating friend

28 replies

Ladyglittersparkles85 · 09/05/2018 16:04

Hi, first time poster here! I have recently had a friend confide in me that she is having an affair with a married man. Problem is she is friends with his wife and is continuing to socialise with his wife, family meals with their kids, drinks and even listening to her confide her marriage woes. I don’t know the wife but as a woman I feel so strongly that what she is doing is horrendous. She claims to love the man and they haven’t held back from relations in both their marital homes. When she is talking about him she will come out with the usual affair cliques “in love” “him and his wife don’t sleep together” then in another breath will tell me about the family outing they all shared and conversations they had as though she is just a normal friend to this poor woman. Without going into details she is completely arrogant about it. I don’t know what to do, I’m not sure what she gained by telling me. My oh thinks I should stay well out of it and not see her while she is involved with a married man, but she is a good friend to me and I’m feeling torn. Just wondering what others would do or what they would say to their friend to make her see some sense.

OP posts:

Wanderlusting99 · 09/05/2018 16:38

Your OH is 100% right. What she is doing is morally abhorrent, I would seriously be questioning her judgement. An affair is bad enough but this will decimate that poor lady when she discovers a friend of hers is having the affair with her husband. I've been in the position of finding out my good friend was having an affair with my partner, it hurt a lot more that it was my friend, that I had been confiding in her that something was up and she was playing me for a fool than the fact he'd had an affair. Dropped him in a heartbeat, better fish in the sea, in a happier, healthier relationship and married within 5 years, no regrets for finding out sooner rather than later that he wasn't worth my time, but it took me over a decade to trust female friends again and even now I would never have that same level of exposure to a friend. She needs to end the affair or end the friendship, but she's not only driving the knife in she's twisting it as she does so just to ensure maximum pain.

DrMorbius · 09/05/2018 16:41

Depends on if you think the morality of your friend (in this particular aspect of their life), is in any way detrimental to your friendship. It would not bother me, as it would not impact our friendship. However I would not want to be dragged in or used for cover.

SandyY2K · 09/05/2018 22:11

I've pulled away from a married female friend who was cheating. The affair wasn't the reason specifically.....but what got me was I found out she tried to 'set her OM up' with another friend (who didnt know about the affair) in front of her DH to deflect any suspicions he had that she was cheating.

I found that a very cruel move. Introducing your boyfriend to someone else in front of your husband will definetly throw him off the scent. That's taking the poor man for a mug and is very devious.

Mytwistedimagination · 09/05/2018 22:20

The poor cheated on wife. Imagine if you were her, people knew about your dh cheating, but no one wanted to tell you because they thought it was your business. Wouldn't you want to know? I know I would. What if she's slowly going crazy trying to confirm things, but no one has enough compassion to tell her so she can move on. It's hard enough already, but don't leave her in the dark, please.

category12 · 09/05/2018 22:24

Crikey, I think pretending to be the wife's friend is worse than just being the OW. My opinion of her as a person would just be through the floor.

dirtybadger · 09/05/2018 22:25

As a minimum I think I would tell my friend I was really really unhappy with her telling me anything about it. She can keep it to herself. Its not fair to put you in this position. Obvious let it be known you disapprove.

I would be seriously questioning my friendship (not just her actions, but being such an arsehole about it), and also considering telling the wife. But thats controversial and almost certainly will backfire, so you would need to be prepared for that.

Gemini69 · 09/05/2018 22:27

oh good lord that poor Woman...

how fucking hideous of your 'friend'

HeedMove · 09/05/2018 22:28

My aunt received an anonymous letter saying your husbands having an affair with x.

Im pretty sure the ow sent it, but it did the trick anyway and let her know.

Original poster

Ladyglittersparkles85 · 10/05/2018 10:03

Thank you for your replies, agree with them all what she is doing is the lowest of low and knowing what she is doing to another woman makes me question what kind of person I’m actually friends with. I don’t know the wife/couple involved so can’t speak to her or send a letter as someone suggested. Imagining being in her position makes me sick to the stomach.

OP posts:

0ccamsRazor · 10/05/2018 10:16

If a friend was having an affair i would not break my friendship with her, however if a friend was having an affair and pretending to be friends with the wife, I would not be able to continue my friendship. This added cruel behaviour I would not be able to get past. I would also tell the wife.

Hideandgo · 10/05/2018 10:18

It says a lot about what she thinks of her friends if she did this to a woman she is friends with. I’d be telling her that she’s shown how she treats friends and it’s pretty awful so you’d prefer to stay out of it by not having anything more to do with her.

What an absolute lowlife.

Hideandgo · 10/05/2018 10:19

And yes, I’d be telling the wife too.

BrightonCalling · 10/05/2018 10:20

@0ccamsRazor
Completely agree. Wouldnt have a problem with a friend conducting an affair. Would have a problem with this extra layer. I wouldn't tell the wife but I would drop the friend. Who knows, your husband might be next. I wouldn't be comfortable with that thought.

SunshineandRain18 · 10/05/2018 10:28

If it was my friend I would tell her a few home truths and tell the wife. She wouldn't be my friend much longer thats for sure

another20 · 10/05/2018 10:52

I would tell your friends husband that his wife was having an affair.

Plant the bomb in her life.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 10/05/2018 10:58

You know, she would undoubtedly do the same thing to you.

Trinity66 · 10/05/2018 11:00

I think I'd probably let your friend know that I thought what she was doing was revolting and to try and imagine a "friend" of hers doing that to her. I would also tell her that I didn't want to hear anymore information about it because it makes me angry and make me think less of her...

presentcontinuous · 10/05/2018 11:12

I couldn't be friends with someone I knew to be having an affair and i would most certainly be telling her what I thought of her disgusting behaviour.

I have been at the sharp end of this sort of deceit and I would have been very grateful to anyone, whether i knew them or not, who told me my H was having an affair.

BPG20 · 10/05/2018 11:17

Agree with PP - I could still be friends with someone having an affair with a married man (although it would change my opinion of them hugely), but I could not remain friends with someone who has an affair with her friends husband.

Sweatymoose · 10/05/2018 11:26

You need to get away from her. If she's doing this to another 'friend, she'd have no qualms in fucking you over too. She's telling you so she has someone to boast too and wants you to enable it. Sack her off.

I stayed friends with someone who I knew was a shameless cheat, just because we had been good friends since school and she never did anything to me personally. I then found her with my ex. (I'm not saying your DH would go near your friend, but it's the mentality these women have, no loyalty).

Screaminginsideme · 10/05/2018 11:28

Don’t trust her. If she can do it to this OW she can and would do it to you!

Trust me I know from bitter experience- my best friend had an affair with my husband. I knew she was capable as she had previously had affairs with married men where she pretended to be friends with their wives.
This woman is vile and you don’t need a friend like that!

Thinkingofausername1 · 10/05/2018 16:09

This won't end well. Watch 'the split' exactly the same situation

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 10/05/2018 16:13

I'd dump the friend and tell the spouses.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 10/05/2018 16:16

Having an affair at all is unacceptable but pretending to be someone's friend while fucking their partner is psychopathically cruel.

Smeddum · 10/05/2018 16:20

Socialising with the wife is particularly cruel and spiteful on top of the affair tbh.

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