6 months down the line...

[Luckystar1]

Mostly this will just be verbal diarrhoea but I’m 6 months post finding out about my husband’s affair.

I had thought I was feeling a little better and not constantly obsessing over it, but the realisation that 6 months in and my life has been completely overhauled and the OW swans around daily without a care in the world (seemingly) is overwhelming.

She and my husband work together. I too used to work there. I have a lot of friends there as does he, but for some reason she seems to be being protected by one of the (male) managers.

She is leaving work early unauthorised (going for runs), walking around work dressed inappropriately (relayed back to me by people in shock). Lots of very senior people know, and she continues unaffected.

She is also married with children so it’s not like sh was young, free and single.

My own husband and I are really trying to move forward and he has made huge changes and sacrifices including at work.

I know she should be insignificant to me, but it’s all very close geographically and socially that it’s very, very hard.

Your OH should have thought about the humiliation he would cause you then OP; if she can easily have an affair and is married also, I'd suggest the two are as bad as each other; disgusting actually to do that in full sight of your friends and colleagues.

I'd have insisted he finds a new job anyway, least he can do.

You will drive yourself round the bend. Listening to tales about her is like picking a scab. If you can forgive the person who really shat on your relationship, then you can ignore her behaviour.

I would make him find a new job too. Whats the point of putting yourself through this OP. He has humilliated you, the least he could do it not see her everyday and find another job.

Ah yes rather complicated with the job situation as his notice period is a clear financing year. Hers is 3 months. I know it’s driving me demented, she has only worked there for 18 months, him for 12 years, me for 4 years (although left 4 years ago).

I bump into her husband daily, I am confronted by it constantly.

We will shortly be attending an event where she and her husband will be. I just want her to finally show some shame and act ina a way that shows contrition.

My husband, yes, definitely a wanker, but has genuinely been devastated, ashamed and sickened by this. He is a completely broken man which just contrasts so hugely to how she is acting.

Sorry OP, your husband has treated you terribly disrespectfully and humiliated you. I think you need to forget about her, as you don't know what her life is really like and it's irrelevant to you getting past his cheating.

You say he's apologetic etc, but the effect his behaviour has had on you is clearly severe. Do you really want to continue with him? Do you trust him?

Your husband should see a solicitor specialising in employment law.

I’ve friends who’ve successfully challenges long-notice contracts. Something to do with eu law.

The OW is unlikely to feel much shame and if you try and call her out on her behaviour (particularly at an office function) then you’re only likely to cause your DH HR problems

When I was MUCH younger (and MUCH stupider) I had an affair with a married man. Classic didn’t know he was married at first and by the time I did I was in love with him. Just a fucking disaster, as you’d imagine. He and his wife ended up making a go of things (and good luck to them- particularly to her) but I imagine she said similar things about how I was swanning around, living like nothing had happened. The truth was it absolutely destroyed my life too and took me years to get over.

I’m not saying you should feel sorry for her but she’s probably not having as great a time as you think. Stop entertaining gossip about her and if you want your marriage to work now, insist that your husband gets a new job as soon as is possible.

Thank you all. At the risk of a drip feed (apologies!) we are moving away soon to be nearer my family and friends. My husband has stepped down from various work responsibilities so he’s not in contact with her. He resigned (but due to plans we are now making will now remain working there).

She has done NOTHING. We have done everything. Moving our life and children, taking a step back, my husband doesn’t move in work for fear of bumping in to her. His career has taken a huge hit.

I understand the reality of her life may be quite different, but how she is presenting herself during this traumatic period in front of people who she knows know is very, very difficult to handle.

It doesn’t help that some of the very senior men have told her she’s handling it ‘properly’ (whatever the hell that means!)

Anyway, I’m mostly ranting. In truth I’m trying to move on without engaging with her but I wish she’d just fuck off and give me the space to do that.

I'm sorry for your troubles, but the person who caused all of them, will be moving with you ironically.

I know, I know all of that. And I know I’m meant to think nothing of her or blame her etc etc. But by god it sticks in my throat.

At least the one moving with me is trying to make amends.

I think it’s mostly that I have no control and just want to punch her in the eyeball and tell her she’s a disgrace (obviously I won’t!)

Does her husband know about the affair?

Yes her husband knows. I know him and when I spoke to him his exact words were ‘I will do anything to make this right’. He lays the blame squarely at my husband’s door. My understanding from what she has told him (and he has told me) is that she has told him the bare minimal, I told him a bit more but she massively minimised.

I don’t understand how he can be happy 1)with her continuing to work there and 2) with how she is presenting herself (even just what she’s wearing).

Not your circus, not your monkey Luckystar1. It doesn’t matter how she’s behaving or “presenting” herself, she doesn’t owe you her good behaviour. On a human level you can expect it, but she doesn’t have to make anything up to you so the best thing that you can do is ignore her and ignore anything you hear. If her husband wants her back that’s his silly fault. Not your problem.

Yes he will blame your OH, and quite rightly too.

How can you say he accepts her working there when you are doing exactly the same! Your OH will have massively minimised too OP, they all DO.

Slagging her off about what she is wearing is the least of your problems, you sound jealous of her tbh.

Adora I can assure you I’m not jealous of her. I’m not slagging off what she is wearing. I’m genuinely baffled by her behaviour/demeanour. Genuinely. I know a lot about her life by virtue of proximity, it’s not jealousy.

And yes, I’ve accepted my husband working there, as someone who is quite high ranking as well as me being a SAHM, as well as his notice period making it impossible for him to leave quickly. She is a short term employee, no track record there to speak of, surrounded by people who are my friends. It’s not hard to understand why I would question her staying.

Interesting that it’s accepted that her husband can solely blame mine, but I am expected to not blame her.

Thank you Fell for understanding that as a human I would like some decency (not that I’ll get it from her of course!!) thank you for your perspective.

Blame her all you like; they were both pricks and both deserve to shoulder the shitty blame.

OP, have you spoken to anyone about how you feel, like a therapist? I'm not suggesting you must, but in all honesty I'd be furious beyond measure at both of them not just one, and that sort of anger just eats away at your soul if you leave it curled up in a ball in your stomach for years.

You've got a lot of anger towards her, but she's only one participant of this affair. Should she be tarred and feathered, and made to walk round in chains? Her life is going on just as you are trying to make yours.

You have to stop obsessing over her if you are to move on. If you can forgive your DH, who in theory hurt you the most, surely you should forgive her too and just let it wash over you. You can't change what is in the past. Anger and resentment will just corrode you.

My mum spent around 10 years fixated on the woman my dad left her for. No good came of it, I promise you.

Yes he will blame your OH, and quite rightly too

So how did you reach this conclusion? The OP is being told not to blame the OW so how come it’s ok the other way. Double standards.

Luckystar I completely and utterly get what you’re saying and how you’re feeling, including I suspect, your frustration at the replies saying you should be blaming your DH. As if you’re not eh?

You blame the OW and her DH blames the OM (your DH).

That's very standard. It's easier to blame and hate the other person.

She may be behaving differently to her DH. That's who she has betrayed.

Did your husband apologise to her DH? He probably thinks your DH is swanning around too.

Everything you feel about her, her DH will feel about your DH.

He blames your OH, you blame her, not saying it's right but that's what happens every time; it's probably a unconscious strategy to enable you to stay with a cheater and be able to forgive/forget/move on, the anger needs to go somewhere so it's very easy to put more blame on the OP.

Only saying what it looks like OP, you are coming across as jealous, twice now you refer to her state of dress, no idea why tbh.

Where has luckystar say she blames the OW?

She is frustrated that the OW played a massive part in her life being turned upside down and yet swans around unaffected.

*Yes he will blame your OH, and quite rightly too

So how did you reach this conclusion? The OP is being told not to blame the OW so how come it’s ok the other way. Double standards.*

Not saying she should not blame the OW, what I am saying is it's a 50/50 split between OW and her OH, it takes two to have an affair, both are equal in the blame game.

Plus, OP< do remember you have heard his version, the OW will have no doubt told her OH a completely different version. Sorry but you and him will never actually know the complete truth.

Your DH as a high ranking employee with 10 years service should have known better, but he risked his career and the sacrifices he has made are due to his inability to remain faithful to you.

That's really the long and short of it. She may be handling it well...who knows. She was having an affair with a senior employee and no doubt people are talking about it.

It most cases the man does the pursuing...especially when they are in positions of authority. I'm sure her DH thinks yours took advantage of his position.

I know in order to reconcile you have to see the one your with in a positive light.

They were both married. They both did wrong and they and their innocent spouses have to deal with the fallout.

I'm not saying you should feel positive towards her...but your DH is no better or worse than her.

I just want her to finally show some shame and act in a a way that shows contrition.

Would her DH think yours is showing shame and being contrite? You are your husbands shame...maybe he sees his wife's shame.

It’s not hard to understand why I would question her staying.

Why should she leave? Because affairs are against company policy or because she's a newer junior employee?

It sounds to me like you think she should be exited from her job.
You do know that would be sexual discrimination right?

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