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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone's manchild husband successfully grown up?

34 replies

Eatsleepworkrepeat · 09/05/2018 12:20

Usual story, I'm drowning in responsibility while husband merrily gets on with his hobbies, works a pretty low stress job and regularly "forgets" to put the bins out. I know it's as much my fault as his that I've let him get away with it, but is there any hope he can grow up and take responsibility like an actual adult? Or are my options a) live it with or b) ltb Sad
We have the talk on about a monthly basis, he promises to try harder and tells me I just have to remind him (which is half of the fucking point, this isn't unpredictable shit that I somehow psychically know needs doing) but within 48 hours I'm the nagging shrew who's spoiling his fun. Please, any suggestions?

OP posts:
category12 · 09/05/2018 12:47

Have the talk again and tell him to set reminders on his phone. Let the phone nag him.

Show him this article mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/ and say it's not about the housework so much as him not caring enough about your happiness to bother 'remembering' to 'help'. He's supposed to be a partner, not deadweight.

another20 · 09/05/2018 12:52

He doesn't forget. It is deliberate resistance to you.

He disrespects you.

He is being passive aggressive and underneath probably has seething contempt for you. He gets a kick provoking your nagging and rage as he is unable to express anger himself. Don't this dynamic turn you into the person you don't want to be.

I bet he doesn't 'forget' to do stuff at work, or for his mates or related to his hobby.

DevilsDoorbell · 09/05/2018 12:54

Tell him if he wants to be nagged to do things move back in with his mother.

As another said, I bet he doesn’t forget to things at work or his hobby.

It’s not important to him and he knows you’ll do it. Stop doing it and tell him to grow up.

Somekindoflove · 09/05/2018 12:57

Yes and if they do empty the dishwasher, they expect to be awarded the nobel peace prize.

Have a “do nothing day” like his does. In fact, have a “do nothing week”. He will soon get the message.

Original poster
Eatsleepworkrepeat · 09/05/2018 12:59

Thanks for replying, I agree with everything you're saying. catergory I showed him that article about two years ago... Says it all really doesn't it. Fuck, don't want to disrupt the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eatsleepworkrepeat · 09/05/2018 13:01

somekind but how to do it without the kids suffering? If I don't cook for him he eats all their packed lunch snacks. So I just end up with another shopping trip on my to do list.

OP posts:
Somekindoflove · 09/05/2018 13:03

Hide them. I did this after being fed up and worked for me. Although he still wants a medal for the minor things.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/05/2018 13:05

OMG he sounds fucking awful.
Eating his own DC packed lunch snacks.
It's far harder to just LTB with DC, I do realise that.
But this is will never improve until he realises you are deadly serious about how this affecting you and your DC.
Could you kick him out for a couple of weeks?
See how you cope?
If he is in a low paid job, how are you financially?
Does he pay all the bills?

expatinscotland · 09/05/2018 13:09

'somekind but how to do it without the kids suffering? If I don't cook for him he eats all their packed lunch snacks. So I just end up with another shopping trip on my to do list.'

What a twat. Now personally, I wouldn't live with this. I dumped men children asap. But if you want to keep him in your life then buy a separate fridge with their stuff and lock it, ditto a food container so he can't eat their food and has to buy his own. He has NO respect for you. He sees you as a handy domestic appliance. I wouldn't want my children to see that growing up. But no, you won't change him because he doesn't give a shit.

Original poster
Eatsleepworkrepeat · 09/05/2018 13:10

somekind I'm glad it worked to an extent.
hellsbells I am the bigger earner, although I'd struggle with the bills, especially if I had to buy him out of the house. You're right I need to see it through, not just lose my shit with him and then be placated by a day of him making an effort. Him acting like a dick is worse for the children than having to have school dinners I guess, I need to stop making excuses and allowance for him.

OP posts:
Sharonthetotallyinsane · 09/05/2018 13:18

somekind but how to do it without the kids suffering? If I don't cook for him he eats all their packed lunch snacks. So I just end up with another shopping trip on my to do list.

That’s pretty shocking.

So you’ve talked about it repeatedly, shown him articles etc and he STILL carries on?! He doesn’t have to lift a finger, does his hobby and you earn most of money? He’s got it made hasn’t he, just has to listen to moan every now and then, then it all goes back to normal (what suits him).
Time to step it up a gear.

Milomonster · 09/05/2018 13:23

Nope. I was called abusive for nagging him to be more invested. Anyway we are now divorced as a consequence and I couldn’t be happier. It’s a great feeling having order in the home again and no seething resentment.

AfterSchoolWorry · 09/05/2018 13:26

If I don't cook for him he eats all their packed lunch snacks!

I'd be furious. Does he ever feel the wrath of your tongue for this?

Beamur · 09/05/2018 13:32

Well, mine really isn't that bad and does do most of the cooking. But, I refuse to pick up the rest of the slack so I choose what bits of housework I'll do, we've had a conversation (several times) about fairness and expectations and what that looks like.
But you do have to be prepared (as with kids, dogs, colleagues, etc) to follow through. Don't nag, but don't do it. If your DP eats the kids food, tell the kids that Dad ate it. Let them be cross at him. If you constantly fix things there are no consequences.

AmIAWeed · 09/05/2018 13:35

My husband would probably be considered a man child by many. He runs his own business and does lots of hours, but he also hides behind that.
I did get fed up of being the person who did everything and picked up the slack when he was worked, especially as we have separate money. He works harder, earns more....I work harder at home and get bugger all

I can't change his behaviour so instead got a cleaner and gardener in to lighten the load on me. It means I refuse to pay for meals out - we used to go 50/50 on treats and now he has to pay for it all. I make him buy takeaway once a week so I get a night off from shopping and when I've had a bad day at work when he walks through the door I warn him im in a foul mood, he makes me a drink and we talk whilst I cook. He is not allowed to sit/watch telly etc whilst i'm cooking.

It's made our relationship much better

AmIAWeed · 09/05/2018 13:37

*should be night off from cooking!!!

another20 · 09/05/2018 13:40

Not only do these passive aggressive manchild twats not pull their weight - they are deliberately obstructive as well. Him eating the snacks is deliberate, to fuck you off and punish you for not cooking - it puts you out and inconveniences you much more (having to shop again/children not getting their lunch) than him grabbing a slice of toast or cooking something for himself. So not only is he a dead weight - he is a dead weight out deliberately plotting to trip you up.

This will just continue to escalate. You will become angrier, exhausted, burnt out and depressed (if you are not already). This is not the mother your children need. They are already suffering.

He is not listening to you because he is a snug, entitled misogynist - and to date there are no consequences for his bad behavior. People like him never see it or want to hear it. They think they are teflon. Kick him to the curb, all of your lives will be better for it.

Adora10 · 09/05/2018 13:41

OMG, he eats his kids packed lunch if you don't cook for him; I'd have literally zero respect for him, not just as my partner, but as an adult, so no, if he does that he aint going to change OP; not sure how you get him to tbh, think it's probably too late.

Adora10 · 09/05/2018 13:42

Have to agree with another, they do not forget, they just simply do not care.

Original poster
Eatsleepworkrepeat · 09/05/2018 13:42

amiaweed what sort of magic did you have to use to make him change? I'm realising it is a fundamental issue of respect, if he wanted to he could make all sorts of changes and still have a great, easy life. The fact he doesn't bother speaks volumes. Will withdraw from meeting his needs while I have a think about what to do long term. Thanks all for your replies, mumsnet is amazing.

OP posts:
another20 · 09/05/2018 13:48

'Have to agree with another, they do not forget, they just simply do not care.'

In my experience it is worse than not caring - often if you look close enough the specific actions/issues are quite targeted, contemptuous and malicious nature - but fudged enough so as to be not so noticeable.

ChiaraRimini · 09/05/2018 13:49

Mine didn't and I'm divorced now. It was a long and messy breakup, and my advice would be to get out as soon as you can to limit the damage to yourself.

WinnieFosterTether · 09/05/2018 13:56

Your talks are a waste of time because you let him put responsibility back on to you.
The only chat you should be having is that this isn't working for you and you want him to move out.
This is the chat I had with my DP. He knew I was serous. And lo! from being someone who did the bare minimum, he became someone who does at least 50%. Some weeks he does more than me depending on how hectic my work is.

rabbitrabbit12 · 09/05/2018 14:27

Mine didn't and I divorced. Was very painful and messy as I did love him but he just disrespected me. He quickly replaced me...

Original poster
Eatsleepworkrepeat · 09/05/2018 14:29

rabbit is he less of a dick with his new partner? I could well imagine dh finally getting his act together with a new wife, leaving me seething and still responsible for his children. Not a good reason to stay with him, I realise, but it would still fucking sting.

OP posts: