What does a good marriage look like?

[Gugglebum]

My parents had a weird marriage, not warm, not great. I am in one that I think is not good either, based on how I feel most of the time. I always heard marriage is hard work, you work through hard times, etc, but what is the balance supposed to look like? I am 20 years in and every day, I feel
frustrated,
alone,
not listened to,
relieved when he leaves and stress when he comes home,
starved for laughter (outside of my kids),
like it’s mostly hard work and very little easy or fun.
If you are in a happy marriage, how would you describe it? What’s normal ratio of good- difficult? How do you feel when your partner comes home? I have a sinking feeling I have been on a sinking ship for many years and haven’t known it was perhaps not normal. I am wondering recently if it really supposed to be this much work.

I think people say marriage takes work because sometimes people give up too easily. To me a relationship should make you feel happy. On balance even when it is difficult, I would feel living without my husband would be far worse than with him. It is more good times than bad and the bad things we have to deal with make us stronger together. It requires communication and compromise but not necessarily hard work. I still look forward to him coming home and get stomach flips. Have been together 20 years, married 15. It feels safe and comfortable and nice. It doesn't sound like yours feels that way so I'm sorry.

Sorry to hear that. Have you ever spoken to him about how you're feeling? I'd say that I feel content, for me it's the feeling of knowing that person is on your side, will look out for you and be there for you, and it works both ways. Yes we can disagree about things but ultimately I think we want each other to be happy as much as ourselves. You need to be honest with him, explain how you're feeling and take time to listen to him too. Hopefully you'll be able to get through this and make your marriage stronger as result.

(30 years married) It feels like someone's got your back all the time. Someone who you can talk to about massive problems and tiny irritations. A relationship that evolves as you get older and one that you both want to evolve in the same direction. Sorry you are feeling so unhappy.

For me it's about sharing core values (eg: how to raise a child), respect (my DH is an atheist and I'm not but we respect each other's different beliefs) and trust (anything less than 100% trust is soul destroying). Plus you need to enjoy each other's company.

I think it very much depends on values, dreams & aspirations of the individuals within the marriage.

Think men & women would give you very different answers too

I feel for you.

XH was a good decent man but the marriage was plagued by boredom. He had no sense of humour and I seemed to carry all responsibility. I tried to make things better - the house was perfect, we had a good social life, tried counselling. My heart sank when I heard his key in the door. I bailed out after 5 years.

I’d had a brief affair and married the OM. We’ve been together over 30 years now, it’s not all been plain sailing but we have a lot in common, enjoy each other’s company and still have fun. The good:difficult ratio is probably 80:20, although that has varied over the years. The early years were tough as children were involved and the relationship met with disapproval from all sides - it still does in some quarters!

The last 30 years have flown by - my first marriage felt longer.

I was lucky that it worked out, I could have been left up shit creek without a paddle.

A good marriage is one where both do their best to make the other person happy and thrive.

You do work on marriage but as a PP said even in the tough times the thought of being without your DP is so much worse! DH and I are very different in many ways, he's outgoing, I'm socially awkward, he's active, I'm a lazy sod, he believes in God, I don't. Blah blah. But I would say we are very happy, he is supportive and I support him. He does his fair share around the home even though ATM I'm a sahm so we're a team and basically we find each other hilarious, even in the middle of a fight we can makes jokes. 18 years so far. If I dreaded him being home or felt alone with him by my side I would consider it an unhappy marriage.

It sounds like you have replicated your parents marriage because that is what they taught you about relationships when you were growing up. The worst thing in life is not to be alone but to be with someone who makes you feel alone.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all. Its not supposed to be like you describe at all; it sounds utterly miserable. Would you want this type of relationship for your kids as well?. No you would not.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you still after 20 years?.

I agree with happy. Been together 18 years, married 15. It feels like someone is always on your side, so you face difficulties together and don't blame/take it out on each other. Course we all have our moments so it's not all bliss, but I'd say difficulty is less than 10%, and the rest is best friend companionship/contentedness with maybe 30-40% active happiness (romance, can't wait for them to come home etc). Most of all, the difference with previous relationships is that I can totally be myself. No need to edit or pretend or feel like I'm not good enough. That stuff isn't really love, looking back. It's too difficult and we all deserve better.

That sounds awful OP. For me, it's being a team, having each other's backs, being kind, making efforts and never, ever straying, no matter how bad things may get.

I'd say that my life would be immeasurably worse without DH in it. He still makes me laugh (though of course he also issitates me sometimes). When we spend time together without DS, I don't get bored, we usually have fun. We certainly do have to work at things sometimes but the vast maoprity of the time it most certainly does not feel like my relationship with DH is "hard work"

I feel like myself around DH. He is one of only a handful of people (my sister and mother included) who really know and accept me for who I am
I was married before (short marriage with no children) and those two years felt longer than the 18 years I have been with DH.

I chose very carefully. I had absolutely no concerns or worries about the person I wed.
Took our time, together for 7 years before we married so absolutely sure and good knowledge of what we were taking on with each other.

We rub along nicely, we have a great deal of mutual respect for each other. Share most interests. But equally, we have our own separate interests.

He is kind, patient, respectful and thoughtful. He does his share, puts effort into our lives and seems to love our life together.
18 years married, I'm just very very lucky compared to some people.

I haven't found marriage hard work at all - a decade has flown by. We've gone through some horrible times (infertility, bereavement, unemployment), but we're best friends, we communicate well and we laugh a lot.

I don't know if I'm lucky or not really - most people who post here are having problems, so you don't tend to get a good insight into the other side of things.

The point here though is that you're miserable - that's rubbish. Would couples counselling help address things?

OP, I feel alone, frustrated and not listened to as well. Reading posts above that people feel their husband is on their side is like a knife to my heart. That is exactly what I miss. My husband has completely screwed over my life to achieve his own goals. And he can't even by honest about that. I saw a video by Will Smith where he said, are you surrounded by people who build up your dreams or piss on them.
Well, DH did the latter.

He has been the biggest mistake I have ever made and my biggest regret.

I think DH and I have a good, strong marriage and I also think it is incredibly hard work sometimes. There have been times when I've dreaded him coming home because he was so low level angry and down about the world that it sucked the life out of me. And he has Aspergers, which means he has no friends and we have almost no social life - none at all instigated by him. It also means he hates change and can be bafflingly stubborn over really petty stuff, like refusing to mend something that's broken because he likes it how it is (cracks in walls/ceilings, garden gates hanging off hinges etc.) All that stuff is frustrating.

That's the bad stuff. The good stuff though, massively outweighs it.
We're a proper partnership. We're 50/50 on childcare and housework. We each have different strengths and we use them so together, we add up to a pretty well organised team.

We like and respect each other as well as loving each other. I know he wants the best for me. We're glad when each other succeed and understanding when each other fail. We help each other when we can.

We have a lot in common - not everything but plenty, so we often want to do similar stuff at weekends.

We do stuff together - we go to gigs and galleries and comedy shows, theatre and for walks. We both really enjoy this and look out to buy tickets to things the other will appreciate.

Day to day - he makes me laugh. He's very funny and silly and has a very quick, kind sense of humour.

Day to day he's responsible - he puts out the bins, locks up the house etc - tiny things that make me feel like he cares about our welfare.

We look forward to stuff together. DC are going to be off at uni within the next couple of years, and we're discussing where we want to travel, what we want to do, where we might want to live if we downsize - we're excited about our future together.

He's very cuddly. Lots of hugs every day.

We have small but nice rituals - like making tea then fresh coffee every morning, doing a quiz at weekends and listening to radio comedy, me putting my feet up on his lap when we watch TV. I love that cosy, ordinary routine that has affection and acceptance at its base.

I'm the same as you @nolongerblue, my life with my husband is totally devoid of joy. He's petty and argumentative and I have to edit myself and everything I say. It's hard not to be green with envy reading how others are true partners.

I think describing how you feel when you hear his key in the door is a really good marker. When my exh walked in, I remember feeling fear of what mood he’d be in. It hardly registered at the time, as like you say, I’d come to recognise it as normal.

When dh comes in I love it- look forward to seeing him and hearing his news. Hingis aren’t perfect all the time and we have our share of problems and disagreements but I love his presence and company.

*Hingis-things

This is a difficult one for me as I have a lot of the good stuff people mentioned but where unbeknown to me he was crapping on it behind my back in a few ways. It’s only the fact I also have the good stuff as to why I am still here. So it is possible to have a good marriage that unbeknown to you isn’t quite what it seems, that has gobsmacked me to be honest. I think I would have come from the ‘something has to be wrong with the marriage’ school before

Thirteen years married and 14 together here.
I have had times where I've wanted him to go out so I can have some head space.
We've had really hard times between us.
We've had difficult financial issues in our early years whilst raising a young family and renovating our home.
We've had rows where we've screamed and cried at each other and when he's stomped out I've breathed a sigh of relief.
Two years ago we actually had a 3 month break as we just didn't seem to like each other or respect each other and both had a lot of resentment towards the other for many reasons.
The first month apart was just sheer anger at each other and getting into a new routine. It was a very emotional time for both of us.
After a month we started talking more.
We spoke every day as he called the kids but also asked to speak to me and still asked how my day was etc etc.
Eventually we would spend a Sunday together with the dc and sometimes a walk without them.
We soon realised this was it and we either tried again or split for good.

At that point I spent a lot of time thinking and realised I love him and respect him so much.
He brings so much to my life.
He felt the same.
We had a family break already booked and decided we would all still go but put no pressure on and within less than an hour I knew I wanted to be with him and he felt the same.

It's made our marriage stronger and we are a lot closer now than we ever were before.
We know each other inside and out op.
We take the rough with the smooth.
Only you will know how you feel but I have been there with that dread feeling and telling him I want a divorce and that I hate him.
I look back now and although we still have our moments we deal with it differently.
I feel over the years we have both changed a lot as individuals and it changes a relationship.
You either go with it and adapt together or step away.
I couldn't step away.

I'm sorry to hear you're having a bad time OP.

I've been married for 5 years, together for 11, and I feel I have a good marriage. I don't know if this is just us, but I feel like everything between us comes natural, I don't feel like a have to put a lot of work into it. We obviously have our moody moments, but we never argue and I our marriage is filled with laughter, babies and animals.

It's swings & roundabouts tho, isn't it?

I'm always moaning I've got no friends but I adore my husband & he's really good to me & for me.

Supportive without mollycoddling me. Listens to my concerns, etc. We never did resolve the children issue, so no DC but wouldn't be without him. He doesn't have friends & I'm still confused about how people have busy social lives, so we need to get on!

Still get excited about him coming home after a trip. Taking early retirement soon & will be interesting to see how that turns out.

Thank you for all your honest replies. I long for what many of you have described but thought those were fanciful ideas and not reality. It has gotten my wheels turning. Honestly I am wondering if he might be a narcissist. We did counseling years ago during one of the earlier rough patches, and it was sort of helpful. On our last day, when he went to the loo and it was just the therapist and me, she said “It’s always going to be about him. That is never going to change. So you need to decide if you want to do that.” She never used the word narcissist and I couldn’t ask a follow up question because he was back. I, at the time, just figured she meant he’s selfish and foolishly thought he would grow past that. He hasn’t.

If you listened to him talk about his family, you would think he was the most involved and interested father and husband ever. He says all the right things. He asks all the right questions. His follow through, his actions, don’t line up with those words though. He lies about stupid little things, so automatically. We started on the same religious page and that is what held me through tough times for years. We have gone through so many hard things, his views have changed, as have mine, and he isn’t someone I would have the slightest interest in if I met him now. There are still young kids at home. I am a SAHM and feel stuck right now. It’s hard to have a real discussion with someone who is convinced they are fantastic- it never goes well. Again, thanks for all you have shared. It’s helpful.

Oh well @googlebum and @countycouncil, at least we know there are others like us!