My husbands left me. Please help

[Sad12345]

My husbands left me after 25 years. In January I saw some texts from a girl. After a while he admitted he felt flattered but they were just flirty and nothing in it. He soon after said that this had made him question our marriage. We were on holiday and spent two weeks discussing it and I told him I wanted to work on our marriage and he kind of agreed but said he hadn’t been happy for a long time. 5-6 weeks later he came home (he works away all week) and said he wanted some space to think. He lacked a bag and left me devastated. We had already told our daughters 21 and 23 and they were very supportive. I cried for days but believed him when he told me there was no one else. He told our daughter the same that day before he went.
After three weeks of occasional conversations about practical stuff he came home at short notice and dropped the bombshell. Whilst he thought the timing was bad he wanted to say that he thought he wanted to leave for good. I asked him about the girl he text. He said there was nothing in it but he thought he wanted there to be if he wasn’t with me. He admitted to going out with her twice during his time apart. By the way he’s 50 she works for him and is 25!!! He denied the original texts where from her but another woman. I’m not sure what to believe
I love him so much-he’s my only partner and we been together since I was 14. I’m now 47. My eldest daughter is pretty much aware of everything but I haven’t told The you get as she’s in the middle of her exams
I can stop thinking about them in his flat together. I can’t face life without him. All our friends are couples and everyone in our village knows us as a couple.
I have to tell my parents soon as they don’t know but need to tell my youngest after her exams first. Any advice please
I’ve trying no contact but it’s so hard as I want to know what he’s thinking. He wasn’t 100% so should I try and talk?? Help please

Hi, I’m in a similar situation here. It’s awful! My husband is currently “renting a room” from his ex girlfriend which makes me feel physically sick. He works away too but a few weeks before he left he bought a blocking device for his van so the company he works for couldn’t track him or me through find a friend app, I will say now I only tracked him to make sure he wasn’t with a customer not because I didn’t trust him but it now seems suspicious. I’m going non contact with and I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s treated me like shite and I’m worth more than that. The hurt does begin to get better with each day that passes - I’m not saying every day is brilliant as you’ll have ups and downs but thoughts of him will get less and less. If you call him he might think that his decision was the right one so I suggest that you give him space as hard as this is or you might come across in the wrong way that isn’t the real you. Get support from your family and friends and try to keep to a routine as it does help. Try and put him out of your mind and keep busy. I’ve just started divorce proceedings and as I’m in my 40’s I’m finding this new life a little daunting.

Thank you for your reply. It’s nice to hear I’m
Not the only one this has happened to. I think he might think I’m being childish not answering. He’s called a couple of times but I don’t want him to hear how upset I am and also scared it will get even worse. Like he’s in a relationship with this new girl now. I think he’s only waiting to see her properly now he’s told me is “probably “ over
I dont know what to do for the best. I have to tell my youngest next week when she’s finished her exams and she’s going to be so upset cause they are so close
I don’t want to say horrible things to her about him but she needs to know what he’s done to me and our family.

He will come crawling back when she dumps his sorry ass! What an idiot. Mid life crisis? Please be strong, hold your head up high and walk away from this loser! You'll feel shit for a while, but I think you'll come out of this much stronger and happier. Hugs to you

I really want to be strong but I really feel he has shattered me. I was an outgoing confident person. I organised everything and I feel now I’ve been an idiot not seeing it. He cried telling me so I genuinely thought he cared but obviously not now he’s been out with her. She’s 2 years older than our daughter. I suspect now she’s not the first although he swears nothing actually happened before but he thinks now he might want to! She’s blocked me on social media which makes me angry. I’m sorry to ramble but I don’t know what to do to get through this.

The best way to get through this is to shut the door on him and get on with your life. Don't contact him. Don't ask after him. If he leaves a message or sends a mail, ignore it. If it is something that can't be ignored, short factual replies, such as you'd send to your boss at work.

Keep busy. Are you working? If yes, focus, volunteer for any opportunities going, maybe work towards a promotion. Your dcs are adults, this is time for you to focus on you. If you aren't working brush up your CV, look for paid or voluntary work to get your skills up to date.

Do some things just for you. Join a gym/art class/reading group/walking group/other interest of your choice. Even if you are shy getting out there will feel good and will take your mind of things at home.

Lawyer up. Ask around for recommendations. Take copies of all financial documents and read them so that you understand your financial position. You can't use anything in your DH's name in court but you can catch him out if he lies.

I know all this seems daunting and final, but ironically if you did (inexplicably) want him back it's also the best way of giving him a short sharp reality check into what he is giving up. Right now he thinks he has all options open. He needs to see YOU are calling the shots now.

Lastly, even if he does come crawling home be very careful about taking him back. Read up on infidelity. It's very hard to recover from it, and recovery takes years. Years of feeling like you do now. It really isn't worth it.

Thank you for the response. I know I’m my heart what you are saying is right and months ago I would have said the same to someone in that position. But I really love him and it is so out of character. He is not the outgoing type and rarely talks when we are out. We have only every been with each other. I know I sound desperate but I really am confused. I’ve not replied to his calls since he went but I do know soon I will have to talk to him. He told me he still loves me and doesn’t want to hurt me

Excellent advice from starlightmeteorite! Couldn’t have put it better myself.

Give him what he wants - see how he likes it. Leave back. Regain your power. By creating distance, you will become stronger - but it will take time so be patient and hang in there. This is a horrible shock but you will get through it, I promise.

You're worth more than what he's putting you through.

I'm so sorry you're going through this but it will get better. I promise xx

no one needs to know your business. tell no one except a therapist. give yourselves time to think. sounds like a midlife crisis. personally, keep this confidential.. if u need advice ask non local impartial friends....

I'm sorry you're going through this. He sounds as though he's hedging his bets and leaving the door ajar to come back if he's sacked by the OW. Be very careful, as in this scenario, you could end up feeling very second best.
Do you think he should be the one to tell your daughter about him leaving? Let him do his own dirty work!
I hope things work out for you. There is a good life to be led post divorce, although it will obviously take time to get to get to that stage.

Thank you. I am trying to be strong for my daughters and myself but I can’t believe what is happening to us. It is such a shock I’m not sure I can recover.

Thank you for you kind words it is nice to know there are people out their to talk to.

I think so too. It is so out of character. I am desperate to talk to him about it. He has few friends were he is. All our friends are in the village we live in. Whilst I want to hate him I want to help too! I can’t sleep at all which makes the nights so longer and frightening. Thank you for you words of help.

I think he should face up to things and tell them both himself but the eldest won’t answer his calls at the moment as she says it will upset her to much to speak to him. She leaves for work abroad next week so it’s a difficult time for her too!
She thinks her sister will find it harder coming from her dad so I don’t no what to do. I want him to tell them both really so he has to suffer the pain of telling what he’s done. I just hope it doesn’t end up with him
Lying to them. I’m desperate for advice but have no one to turn to. I know I shouldn’t be speaking to my daughter about this as it’s so hard for her too. Thank you for listening

So sorry to read this. Agree with the advice on here, but having been through something similar myself I would also suggest that you need to give yourself time to grieve for your relationship. I found the divorce takes on a momentum of its own, but then after the financial settlement, decree absolute, etc. there is then a time to sit down quietly for a few weeks to come to terms with what has happened. I found this helped me immeasurably. Also you have your lovely daughters - a huge gift. You will recover, it just takes time.

It's the old mid life crisis thing. Another silly old fool! Excellent advice from starlightmeteorite. Take it slowly, day by day. Try to keep busy and try not to think about it too much. There's nothing you can do. He'll be sorry.

I really don’t know what to do next but reading your replies do help. I feel so desperately alone. He was my best friend and my only ever partner. I ne we thought for one minute we wouldn’t be together. We have a lovely home and a good life but I don’t want any of it without him.

My husband has just commented - a 25 year old will not be any sort of company for a man of his age. He suggests that it can be fear of aging that provokes this extreme behaviour. While I'm not sure how helpful this is, he thinks your husband will be back once reality bites and the novelty wears off, he will come to his senses and realise what he has lost. Whether you will want him back by then however is debatable. He speaks from experience as he had a step-mother who was a child-woman 25 years younger than his father. She never coped with the demands of family life and in the end his father said he was much happier when she was out. They spent as little time together as possible, as they had little in common once the initial attraction had run its course.

Thank you the different point of view. I do hope he’s right but somehow I think my husband will try to make it work. He said he feels flatttered which makes sense. I feel there may hVe been other now but I don’t have any proof. Working away all week though this would have been easy. I am so desperately sad I can’t think straight.

Please try to think about yourself and your life long term without him. He has dropped a god awful bomb shell. I would seriously think about seeing a solicitor to find out where you stand financially. I would also try to steel yourself, answer his call and tell him you need his solicitors details as you are divorcing him. I am so sad for you, he is an idiot of the highest order. Good luck when that 25 year old decides he is old and boring, he will need it and he doesnt deserve to have you waiting to catch him when she gives him the boot.

You poor thing, what a horrible situation. If I were in your position the one thing i would be very careful of is falling into the "woman scorned" trap. You dont actually need to tell anyone why he left - you may have an idea but it is very likely that he doesn't even really know what is going on here. People are so quick and happy to scorn men and their midlife crisis phase, there would be hell to pay if our menopause was constantly under that level of derision!
The absolute best thing that you can do is take the moral high ground here, don't announce from the rooftops that he is being a silly fool and chasing young girls and please absolutely do not try to garner support against his actions his children and family. If you can come out of this with some dignity intact, then you wont spend the next 10 years of your life wallowing in a toxic hatred.
Try to fill the void with something you have always wanted to do - seriously go out of your way to have fun and take back your life. If you want to seek revenge, or even get him to return, then the best thing you can do is pretend you don't care and show how much of an amazing time you are having without him. You never know, you might just find it was the best thing to happen to you.
Good luck

Given your level of shock and feelings of desolation right now, you may want to consider going to see you gp and getting some anti depressants. They can be very helpful in the short term in this situation. Also, maybe some counselling would be a great support to you at the moment and in due course can help you think about gradually building a new life for yourself.

Many women on here have been where you are at the moment, and have made new and happy lives for themselves. While it's very early days for you at the moment and you may not be able to imagine being happy again, please bear in mind that it will get better for you. .

Thank you for all your replies. It does help so much that people understand. I don’t know wether to answer his calls. I’m trying to avoid him as i really don’t know what to say and I know it will upset me. If he wanted me back he could have come home.
I havnt told my youngest yet and I’m dreading it cause they are very close. I dont know wether to be honest or try and protect her from what he’s done and with who. Any advice would be appreciated?? X

The only way you can avoid devastating your children (no matter what age) is to keep your relationship with their father as seperate as possible from their relationships with him. Having been torn between warring parents for 30 years and having two stepchildren in a similar situation, I can attest to it being the most damaging position to be put in. My mother's intention to garner support by constantly slating my father backfired so badly on her that my brother and I both resent her for it.
No matter how much you hurt now, putting your daughters in a position where they feel their loyalties are torn will cause untold damage. If you can take the moral high road here, you may at least pave the way for you and your (ex)H to have an amicable relationship in the future.
25 years after their divorce my parents were still taking every opportunity to bitch and pick at each other at my wedding. It made what should have been a wonderful day but instead it was a political nightmare for me and my husband.

You're youngest daughter is 21 and I really think they both deserve to know the full truth.

It's important that they are still 'allowed' to have a relationship with their father, but they are adults and to 'shield' them is in effect lying to them.

Let them make their own minds up about their father's behaviour.