My husbands left me. Please help

[Sad12345]

My husbands left me after 25 years. In January I saw some texts from a girl. After a while he admitted he felt flattered but they were just flirty and nothing in it. He soon after said that this had made him question our marriage. We were on holiday and spent two weeks discussing it and I told him I wanted to work on our marriage and he kind of agreed but said he hadn’t been happy for a long time. 5-6 weeks later he came home (he works away all week) and said he wanted some space to think. He lacked a bag and left me devastated. We had already told our daughters 21 and 23 and they were very supportive. I cried for days but believed him when he told me there was no one else. He told our daughter the same that day before he went.
After three weeks of occasional conversations about practical stuff he came home at short notice and dropped the bombshell. Whilst he thought the timing was bad he wanted to say that he thought he wanted to leave for good. I asked him about the girl he text. He said there was nothing in it but he thought he wanted there to be if he wasn’t with me. He admitted to going out with her twice during his time apart. By the way he’s 50 she works for him and is 25!!! He denied the original texts where from her but another woman. I’m not sure what to believe
I love him so much-he’s my only partner and we been together since I was 14. I’m now 47. My eldest daughter is pretty much aware of everything but I haven’t told The you get as she’s in the middle of her exams
I can stop thinking about them in his flat together. I can’t face life without him. All our friends are couples and everyone in our village knows us as a couple.
I have to tell my parents soon as they don’t know but need to tell my youngest after her exams first. Any advice please
I’ve trying no contact but it’s so hard as I want to know what he’s thinking. He wasn’t 100% so should I try and talk?? Help please

I know telling them is probably the right thing but I don’t want to get the blame from
Her for telling her what her dad has done. I’ve got a weekend away planned with her next after her last exam where we had planned to visit where he lives in the week-well Permanently now!
I don’t know wether to go and make him see her or maybe go and let her decide if she wants to once I’ve told her. Or avoid it altogether and go somewhere else to break it to her.
I think he should be dealing with this all but I dont feel I want to call
Him to ask him to deal with things.
It’s so confusing. I think I need counselling but there’s no time before next Friday when she finishes. Her sister leave the country the same day.

Is your daughter really likely to blame you for telling her? Isn't that a case of shooting the messenger?
It's difficult to know when to tell them as your eldest is about to leave the country and dd2 doesn't finish her exams til next week. Could you possibly tell her asap so she has a bit of time to digest the info before she goes away, and time to speak with her father if that's what she feels she needs to do? Would she be able to keep this info to herself until dd2 has completed her exams?

As for telling dd2, if it were me, I'd tell her in the privacy of my own home and not while away for the weekend anywhere, which will give her the space to get used the situation and privacy if she wants it.

I think I'd be inclined to change the dates for a weekend away and go the weekend after to a different place that isn't connected to your husband. It will be lovely for you and your daughter to have some quality time and fun together

She’s so looking forward to our weekend away I don’t feel I can let her down. I think maybe we go somewhere neither of us know-maybe in a apartment so we have privacy. I’m dreading telling her but cant keep it any longer. I’ve been living a lie since he told me it did t want to come home over a week ago now. I feel I need to talk to him but what do I say. I miss him dreadfully

You will have to tread very carefully if you decide to tell your daughter. Obviously (and with good reason) you are extremely upset and emotional but will need to try to stick with the facts only, in order to separate your hurt from what your husband has done. You will need to make it clear that you perfectly understand she needs to maintain her relationship with her father and you are fine with that. You say your daughter has a good relationship with her father - personally if I was in your situation I would insist that he comes home and you tell her together. Why should you do his dirty work for him and let him shirk his family responsibilities? Also while it is not exactly the subject of this thread I would suggest you seriously think about how you are going to protect yourself financially and get some legal advice. You say you have been with your husband from a very young age, I wonder if he believes you will roll over and make it all easy for him. Please don't!!!

You are still in shock sweetheart. You won't be able to be logical and angry yet. But it will come. I promise.
My best friends husband took up running nearly 8 years ago. After a couple of years, he became obsessed. Hardly spending anytime with her or their three children. Then he was going away for weekends for ultramarathons and iron man comps. Then came the ' I don't think I'm in love with you anymore'. Then he needed space so moved out to the next town. All this over the course of a couple of years. He had the kids one weekend and the eldest forgot his homework there, so my friend nipped in and used the daughters key ( he hadn't let her have one but he still insisted on having his for the marital home) and sitting in the kitchen was a woman wearing his dressing gown. Thankfully my friend held composure and just said ' hi, I'm his wife, I'm just getting our daughters homework' .

He never did admit to the affair. It's over now, he's never asked to go back and I think she would have taken him back for some time. But now no, she has met a beautiful man. He loves her completley and she him. They are far more suited and in tune actually than she was with exh. Exh, is swiping right on tinder. Having to go back and revisit those who he has previously eliminated! Sad fucker
My beautiful friend is happy. She never cries anymore, it hasn't broken or damaged her, I no longer have to hold her while she is sobbing. It would have been the best if she hadn't had to go through this to get here but she actually says it's been worth it, she appreciates it so much more.

Take time. Life is strange. Your husband could have had a heart attack and died or do what he has done. You just have to do your best in the initial stages to get the through the pain, thoughts and devastation. And then after a while, you will realise it's been a few days since you cried or even thought of him.

You can do this. I'd keep quiet with your youngest till post exams though and go somewhere new with her where you can just be yourselves, and not tainted or thinking of him too much.

Sending you positive and healing thoughts.

Thank you for your kind words. I do want to believe it will be OK in the end but I just want to curl up and die st the moment. He’s left and living his carefree life and I’m trying to hold down everything at home.
I just want everything to be ok again and it never will. Not being able to make decisionsike calling him is so hard x

@Rubber
What an inspiring post! Life is strange indeed. I guess many of us lead a life we didn't necessarily ,think we'd lead, one way or another.

Op- what is stopping you phoning him? I suppose you will need to have contact sooner or later? Could you email him instead?

Do you think he should be the one to tell your daughters? They will most certainly want to talk to him about it. whoever actually tells them the facts. Maybe you should summon him to meet them before the elder goes away, immediately after the exams finish for your younger dd?

I’m really sorry to hear your going through a hard time. I have to say you Hubby sounds like and idiot. It will only end in Tears with the 25 year old! She could be his bloody daughter!! All I can say is keep yOur chin up! Like others have said he will come crawling back and that’s when you have th control to tell him to jog on.

I think he does need to be the one. The eldest won’t see him though before she goes. She says it will upset her too much. She’s back in June for exams so I think she will see him then
I think he needs to tell the youngest though, I just feel maybe I break it to her first straight after her exams on fri the if she wants to we ask him to meet us over the weekend to explain it himself. That way she is in control-any thoughts ladies. You all seem to think much more logically than me at the moment. Your support is amazing.

Oh yeah absolutely he has to be the one to tell your daughters! He’s caused all this so it should be his responsibility.

I’ve told my story many times on here but happy to repeat a bit of it if it helps

So sorry to hear this. It’s like you’ve been cut adrift isn’t it and I was you 14 years ago after a 30 year marriage. Nice home, good life, house in Florida. Three grown up children, beautiful grandson when he dropped the bombshell.

If it’s any comfort, at least you know about the ow and can start making plans..I was kept in the dark for 10 months....I had no mnet then much to my regret.
The mnetters would have quickly sorted me out.

Anyway to cut a very long story short. He didn’t get the one he really wanted. She got sick of his dithering.
After the divorce from hell, he took up with another one and eventually married her.
He lied all through his divorce papers and I did very well out of it.
I didn’t sit twiddling my thumbs either, I did lots of traveling, backwards and forwards to my house in Florida, Cuba, skiing in Colorado. You name it, I signed up for it.
As soon as the ink dried on my divorce papers, I went on old and eventually married my second date.

It’s ten years this summer since our first date and we’ve had a blast.
My new dh took early retirement and we’ve had loads of holidays, abroad and uk.
We’ve had 3 touring caravans and have now bought a static and we live two or three days at home and the rest in beautiful north yorks.

We get on great. Lots of common interests . We both took up dowsing , 6 years ago so we’re always making new friends.

As for my ex, he died almost 4 years ago after a two year and very painful battle with cancer. He just made 60.

My son said the other day, if he’d known he was only going to live another 8 years do you think he would’ve split the family up like he did.

I don’t know. I expect he died a very unhappy man. He’d never seen our daughter for 6 years and didn’t get to know well any of her three beautiful children.
He paid very dearly for what he did.

He put me through the worst kind of hell, he had a very nasty temper ...there was no way, I would ever have wanted him back.

See this as the end of a chapter...with a whole new bright future waiting for you to seize.

I feel like I climbed out from under a rock at 56 . I’m my own person now and I love it.

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope one day I can be doing the same. At the moment I can’t think past tomorrow. I am truly gutted and feel I’m a bit in limbo at the moment. I haven’t spoken to him since he left and it was a very sad and emotional goodbye from us both. I do feel he cares for me but probably not enough or in the right way any more. I blame myself for not making more effort but then neither did he. And I havnt gone looking elsewhere for comfort.
I no I need to call him soon cause so much has been left unsaid