Forcing me to see them

[afreerangeperson]

Been with husband for 5 years ish.
2 kids.
We argue bloody daily about his family and especially his mum and dad.
I don’t like them, they treat the 5 grandkids unfairly, buy the others things and brag about what trips they’re taking them on in front of my kids.
My kids (especially the eldest) notices this and gets upset.
They’re not very polite to me. I get ignored, they undermine me in front of the kids, they make sarky comments about my weight (in a 14 but they’re all tiny).
They all have in conversations and I feel like an outsider when I’m round at there’s.
They make no effort to pop into see the grandkids here, despite passing our front door 3 times a week.
My husband is scared of confrontation and won’t say anything to them about any of this.
He refuses point blank to even bring it up. Which is why we argue daily.
I want to live my life and let them live theirs.
But my husband is constantly forcing me to go over there, threatening to leave us if we don’t.
Saying I’m not behaving like a family as I don’t want to go over for tea, or birthday parties or Christmas.
I’m just not interested in socialising there. I end up unhappy every single visit.
I’m not stopping them from seeing my husband or kids, but do I REALLY need to go there for different occasions.
If my husband had confronted these issues with them 4 years ago then things would probably not be the way they are, but he point blank refuses.
Am I justified in just staying away from them?
Surely I shouldn’t be forced to do something that makes me so unhappy!
We are just stuck in a rut arguing about this every day until I give in and am forced to go over there for yet another occasion.

But my husband is constantly forcing me to go over there, threatening to leave us if we don’t.

Sounds like a plan. It doesn't sound like your have a very nice relationship to be honest - why not let him leave? It'll stop the arguments.

Because he won’t actually leave.
It’s just all mouth. When I’ve told him that he’s free to leave he still won’t go. Probably because he is so adamant about playing happy families in front of his parents that he won’t have anywhere to stay unless they take him in.

It seems like a win/win situation, you can freely ignore his threats as you know they aren't serious, and if they actually are then you've been freed of the obligation to see his family.

If you stop going at some point he's going to stop tantruming about it.

Because he won’t actually leave

Then make him leave. He’s being a dick.

Why are you arguing daily over this? Don't go. Don't give in.

He just grinds me down. And says normal families would go to their in laws for lunch.
Normal families would go to their nephews birthday parties.
I don’t want to go.
He said he’ll stop doing stuff for me. He’s fitted half a kitchen for us and says he’ll leave it as it is. As if I won’t compromise and do things for him then he won’t do things for us.

You dh is a bully and you need to stand up to him. Be an adult and tell him he can visit his family whenever he wants but you aren't going. What does he say when it's obvious your dc are second class?

Of course you don't have to see them. Neither they nor he is the boss of you.

You also don't need his permission to end the relationship. He might not make it easy for you but he can't make you stay married to him. He's not above the law.

The whole thing sounds stressful, awful for your mental health, damaging to ALL the DC and not worth it. Why placate him? He's a nasty bully. He's throwing you and the DC under the bus to pander to people who are rude and unpleasant to you. Sod that for a game of soldiers!

Tell him now that you won't be going to visit them anymore and he can throw his toys out of the pram but he can't force you.

He says I’m imagining it re his parents treating the kids badly.
He minimises anything his parents do.
He’ll say “well they do work full time and only had a day free this week, so they took the other 2 grandkids to the farm” and “you can’t expect them to always be at your beck and call” (Even though they’ve had my 2 year old probably 3 times ever)
He turns it back on me and calls me selfish and money grabbing, but never sees it’s his parents in the wrong.

says normal families would go to their in laws for lunch - it's not his fault his parents are arseholes but sadly he doesn't know what a normal family is like. If there even is such a thing. Families, if they're made up of people who are kind, thoughtful, love each other and want each other to be happy, don't ignore, insult or exclude members of the family. So it's irrelevant to your situation.

And the kitchen thing is incredible. It's not "for you" is it. What a twat.

As if I won’t compromise and do things for him then he won’t do things for us

Compromise coming from his mouth is about the most ironic thing I’ve ever heard. He’s awful OP. Controlling, manipulative, selfish and awful.

He’s now come up with a compromise which is that I don’t have to go for tea there, but any birthday or special occasion I’ll be required to go.
I just feel like saying “no, I don’t care about your shitty compromise, I don’t want to go”
Why should I do something that makes me unhappy.

How old are you both?

The situation you have is a point scoring one. It is pathetic - I am making these statements as I was where you are now a good few years ago.

Do you both think your kids like you arguing all the time !!!

You both need to compromise.

Grinds you down. Don't let him.
He's a bully.
You have different expectations about family. My in laws have looked after my eldest once. He's a teen. They've never had the youngest.

I have been with DH for 16 years and I have never gone to his family for lunch! He's come to mine sometimes but less than 20 times over the entire period.

If he stops doing the kitchen then call someone in to do it instead. You're just as capable of carrying out threats as he is. Not that a new kitchen is really a threat, but he's being so childish, depriving his children of a kitchen!

Should you divorce him then you wouldn't be having to deal with his threats or his parents.

Pay someone to do the kitchen.

Stand your ground and don't go to any function you dont want to.

Let him sulk and stamp his feet.

The last few weeks it’s really come to a head and we need to sort this.
He has always been the most placid and calm person, had never even raised his voice in 5 years, but he’s started jumping up and screaming in my face and spitting vile words at me.
All because I’ve started putting my foot down.
And it’s ALL because of his family.
He won’t stick up for us, but he expects me to pretend I’m happy around them when I’m really not.

You do not have to see them and your children do not have to see them either.

It is not your fault he is like this, you did not make him that way.

He seems more than happy to throw you all under the bus so he does not have to address his own issues re his dysfunctional family of origin. He is completely mired in his own inertia as well as fear, obligation and guilt when it comes to them and that state may never change. He certainly has fear of them in spades.

I would not want to stay with him particularly given his overall attitude now towards you and I would also look into getting someone else to finish your kitchen off. Keep telling him that neither you or his children will visit them any longer.

Honestly leave, tou don't sound like you like him and he sounds emotionally manipulative.

I would go to nephews party etc because its his parents you have a problem with but the rest is easily sorted.

"Let's go to Moms house"
"You go and take the kids, I'd rather not"
"Well if you don't I'll leave you!"
"Well if you want to walk out on me and the kids because I won't do something that makes me unhappy that's your choice."
"Ok so I won't leave you but I won't finish the kitchen!!"
"Well if you want to leave the house your children live in unsafe because I won't do something that makes me unhappy, that's your choice"
"Normal families do everything together and visit the IL's every day"
"Normal husbands don't expect their wives to do something that makes them unhappy. "

For the PP that asked our age, both mid to late 30s. We are old enough to not be arguing like this.
And we’ve never argued to this intensity before as I’ve always just gone along with visiting his family.
But I REALLY don’t want to anymore.
I’ve started putting my foot down and now this has started.

but he’s started jumping up and screaming in my face and spitting vile words at me
Its escalating because you said no. You need to make yourself and your children safe before he escalates further and hits you

You arent 'required' to do anyrhing. You are an Adult.

He clearly isn't listening to you. I'd write him a letter listing all the things they do to make you feel shit all the time and end it with saying you are not stopping him from visiting them but you do not want to be part of it and any threats he makes are unfair and not respecting you as an adult woman capable of making her own decisions. Then stick to your guns.

How are things with your family and him and how is he with your friends.Does he make an effort with them?

@SleepingStandingUp that is exactly how our argument goes, pretty much word for word.
But it just goes on and on and on and in the end I just give in for an easy life.
He thinks I’m being controlling and trying to cut him off from his family.
When it’s been really bad I have stopped the kids from going over there, I’ll admit to that. It’s happened twice ever, and was with the kids interest at heart.
He says I’m vile cutting our family off from his.

He loves my parents.
They treat him better than they treat me! They cook his favourite dinner, get his favourite beers in, help him with DIY, take him to football matches, buy him tools etc.
I’ve told him he doesn’t have to come to my parents if he doesn’t want to, but he loves going so never says no.

Is he cross because he will be hassled and questioned if you don't attend and just doesn't want to deal with it?