Forcing me to see them

[afreerangeperson]

Been with husband for 5 years ish.
2 kids.
We argue bloody daily about his family and especially his mum and dad.
I don’t like them, they treat the 5 grandkids unfairly, buy the others things and brag about what trips they’re taking them on in front of my kids.
My kids (especially the eldest) notices this and gets upset.
They’re not very polite to me. I get ignored, they undermine me in front of the kids, they make sarky comments about my weight (in a 14 but they’re all tiny).
They all have in conversations and I feel like an outsider when I’m round at there’s.
They make no effort to pop into see the grandkids here, despite passing our front door 3 times a week.
My husband is scared of confrontation and won’t say anything to them about any of this.
He refuses point blank to even bring it up. Which is why we argue daily.
I want to live my life and let them live theirs.
But my husband is constantly forcing me to go over there, threatening to leave us if we don’t.
Saying I’m not behaving like a family as I don’t want to go over for tea, or birthday parties or Christmas.
I’m just not interested in socialising there. I end up unhappy every single visit.
I’m not stopping them from seeing my husband or kids, but do I REALLY need to go there for different occasions.
If my husband had confronted these issues with them 4 years ago then things would probably not be the way they are, but he point blank refuses.
Am I justified in just staying away from them?
Surely I shouldn’t be forced to do something that makes me so unhappy!
We are just stuck in a rut arguing about this every day until I give in and am forced to go over there for yet another occasion.

If he wants to live in a lalaland where all is well and take abuse to avoid making waves, leave him to it.
Doesn't mean you or your children have to join in or take any abuse from him.

Literally don’t even know why he’s cross.
Because he will have to tell them why I’m not there and he doesn’t like confrontation.
Even when I stopped the kids visiting one week, instead of him telling his parents why, ie that our oldest child was upset that the other grandkids had been bought new toys by her grandmother and were rubbing that fact in her face, he lied and said the kids were ill.

Poor DH. Something went very wrong in his childhood, how can he be so anxious about standing his ground, about getting a life away from his DPs?

I hope you can afford for him to have counselling. Though I think he will have quite a long path to travel before he gets himself sorted out.

He's probably cross because he doesn't want to admit that his family are disfunctional and have to do something about it.
It's easier to carry on as you always have done, because it's his "normal" and confrontation/ rocking the boat would be upsetting.

Either he goes to counselling or you cannot stay. He desperately wants to please them, will he be signing you up to be their carer when they get older and need one?

He would rather his children be unhappy than his parents, you know that's not right or healthy. Don't let your children be damaged by that behaviour any more than they have to be.

He is so mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt re his family of origin that he is completely stuck emotionally but is taking his issues re them all out on you (because he is far less afraid of you than either parent). Its not your fault he is like this, you did not make him that way. His parents really did do him a great deal of harm.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. They cannot and actually must not keep on absorbing such damaging lessons on relationships.

I honestly think that there was some strange upbringing by his parents, or something to explain the way he is.
It’s like he’s scared of them.
He’s happy to defend them to me until the cows come home, but will never go to them and confront them about stuff they have done.
If my mum has done something wrong, no matter how little, eg put the toddler down to nap too late so he’s awake til 10pm, then I will always tell her.
Not that his mum ever has our kids, but in the same situation he would say “oh no, don’t mention it to my mum” or “I’ll try and let her know in a roundabout way”
She made the kids ribena once with 50% syrup and 50% water and he refused to say anything to her and instead said we would take our own drinks for the kids from now on.
So bloody odd.

I don't think he's going to change his attitude towards his parents, so you really have two choices - neither easy.

You continue as you are - bowing to his pressure to play happy families and spending time with people who don't treat you well, and just suck it up until the next tipping point which will come when your children are the ones refusing to visit grand-parents!

You finish what you've started in terms of forcing the issue that you don't want to go and won't be pressured into it. However, that has prompted some extremely bad behaviour on his part - threatening you, emotionally blackmailing you, withdrawing from your family life by not finishing the kitchen if you don't have tea with parents etc. Are you prepared to stick it out to what could prove to be an all-out battle, as he really doesn't sound like a man with any insight - possibly because he's been damaged himself during his childhood by his parents' behaviour.

"I honestly think that there was some strange upbringing by his parents, or something to explain the way he is".

Yes. This is due primarily to how he was brought up; what if anything do you know about his childhood because that often gives clues. There are clues here anyway re his upbringing, look at his inertia and how you people as his family unit are scapegoated now.

"It’s like he’s scared of them".

YES and in spades too. He is utterly terrified of the pair of them. He is far more afraid of them than he ever would be of you and he still wants their approval (approval they will never give him).

"He’s happy to defend them to me until the cows come home, but will never go to them and confront them about stuff they have done".

Its not atypical of people to do this particularly if they have been raised within a dysfunctional and emotionally unhealthy family. You would never hear my H for instance say anything at all untoward about his mother and she is deeply dysfunctional as a person.

His parents have really damaged your H with the end result being that you could well leave him. I presume he has refused to see a counsellor outright or have you not asked him about this.

People from such families like your husband's end up playing roles and his seems to be one of scapegoat. This results also in you as his wife and his children being scapegoated (hence their poor treatment of you all). The other siblings and their respective children become "golden".

I’m going to suggest counselling. I think we need to do something.
He needs to know that he can’t force other people to do things they don’t want to do.
And I don’t want my children to think that they should be forced to go when it makes them unhappy either.
My DD is very forgiving though. She will be upset one week, but then a couple of days later she will be all over her grandparents nagging them to play with her and pick her up.
I don’t think their behaviour is very good for any of our mental health.

The behaviour from your daughter sounds like a version of your DH's.

That is what concerns me regarding our daughter.
Just looked up some local counsellors. They’re £50 an hour. Really not sure we can afford that.

You are right to be concerned re your DD. I think she is learning to appease and otherwise placate her grandparents just as your H is still trying to do with his parents.

Have you looked at the BACP website?.

In the meantime I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward.

I'm in a similar situation as OP. I love my partner to bits but his family... it's been so difficult recently and unbelievable the difference I see between how his parents treat my partner s siblings (they all have kids btw) and him (we don't have kids)

It's so upsetting isn't... the sad thing is that I tried my best to be part of this family but now just given up. My partner is free to go visit them, call them etc but I'm not willing to do anything about it anymore as I have bent over backwards before and they didn't give a duck. I think best to do is try to keep the peace as much as you can but every relationship has 2 sides so op's parents in law need to work on it as well as op. If they not willing to I'd just leave them to themselves and not arguing about with my partner

This isn’t a in law problem, it’s a not so dear H problem. You’re his buffer, when you are around you take the attention off him and now that you’re not, the spotlight is back on him and probably more intensely than before. The bullying is in response to the shift in your relationship dynamic and probably the grief he’s getting in his failings to get you to fall in line. Disengage from his bile and threats, his bullying speaks volumes of his immaturity.

This is a terrible relationship to model to your children, find a resolution soon or end it.

Counselling is far cheaper than divorce!

I had a similar situation. My dp bowed down to his parents. They treated me like crap, called me names and physically tried to attack me.
I realised I am a grown woman who was letting them treat me like this and it changed.
I stopped seeing them. I only allow the kids to go with dp to see them.
Dp threatened to leave me so I had his bags packed and he left after work. If he liked his parents so much he could live with them.
He came crawling back. We now have an understanding I am an adult and will chose what I do.

I guess what I am saying is the other partner never expects us to stand firm but do it.
You are a grown woman and if you chose not to go, say no and then move on with the conversation. Don't engage in discussions. No is no.
It's hard but once you stand strong once it gets easier.

Definitely going to stand strong.
If he leaves he leaves.
I often say to him that if he’s willing to leave his wife and kids because I won’t socialise with his mum then he will only be spiting himself, as I definitely won’t be seeing my in laws then!!!