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Relationships

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Original poster

Should I tell my husband I'm bisexual

47 replies

DragonSnaps · 08/05/2018 08:24

I have recently realised that I'm bi at 33. I fancied a few girls from the age of 13 but didn't really think about it too much, and I thought I was being weird (I hadn't heard of the term bisexual and didn't know what it was)
I finally realise that I am most definitely bi and I feel like a weight has been lifted. I've accepted who I truly am and I feel much happier. I've told my best friend and want to tell my husband about the 'real' me, but am wondering whether there's much point in mentioning it as we are happily married and it's not really going to achieve anything by telling him. There's no way I'd cheat on him. I'm unsure of what to do.

OP posts:

sosks · 08/05/2018 09:48

Personally, I wouldn't at this point unless you were considering leaving. If my partner came out with that years into the relationship, I would think he was planning to leave. It's entirely up to you though, and I guess it depends how you put it to him. But I don't think it really changes anything as long as you are happy with him.

meowimacat · 08/05/2018 10:10

I wouldn't. I told it to my ex (I would say I'm bi curious though not sure if I'm 100% bisexual) and he freaked out. In fact most guys are not okay with it. I think just keep it to yourself, at least you know now and can be calm with who you are as a person. As long as you are ok with not going ahead and discovering that side of your life I don't think there's much point sharing it. It will only make a partner feel like maybe they'll never be enough.

beachcomber243 · 08/05/2018 10:23

Don't do it. I did. There followed passive/aggressive/abusive behaviour for a very long time from my husband which ate into the marriage.

It had triggered a huge insecurity although I was at the time happily married. On the surface he was fine, underneath he was seething.

I think you should keep it to yourself as it does not become an issue until the marriage is all but finished and you are ready to move on. It achieved nothing for me.

PsychoPumpkin · 08/05/2018 10:36

No, I wouldn’t tell him.
My husband knew about my bisexuality because I told him when we first met. I feel like my sexuality is pretty irrelevant since I married him because i pledged him my faithfulness in our wedding vows. Apart from him I won’t be sleeping with any men or women ever again.
I assume you have no plans to start dating women? If not, you don’t need to tell him.

MeetMeInMontauk · 08/05/2018 10:50

This totally depends on how approachable your H is, how progressive his views are and how secure your marriage is. Really, it shouldn't change anything; if you are in a monogamous set-up, you won't be leaving him for either a man or a woman so it isn't relevant. In practice though, as PPs have testified, some guys feel a lot more threatened by the idea of their female partner being attracted to other women. Personally I think you should tell him, but that might be coming from an idealised belief that individuals should not feel that they have to suppress as significant a part of their identity as their sexuality within a supposedly committed relationship. Ultimately, OP, you know your H best and only you can say how you think he will respond.

Shen0102 · 08/05/2018 10:51

You could tell him in terms of transparency in the relationship. But what are your real intentions of telling him?
That he might let you date a girl so you know what it feels like? So you can be in a 3 way relationship ?

category12 · 08/05/2018 10:53

I'm not sure what good would come of it. You're presumably not intending to pursue a relationship or sex with women while married, so if it's just the revelation of self-knowledge you want to share, I'd be cautious about doing so. Sit with it a while longer.

Original poster

DragonSnaps · 08/05/2018 11:21

Thank you all for your advice. I guess I'll leave off telling him as I'm not intending to leave him for either a man or a woman. I definitely don't want a 3 way relationship. If my husband asked me outright, then I'd be truthful, but tbh there's not much chance of that happening.

OP posts:

sunshinesupermum · 08/05/2018 11:25

Yes - you need to be honest please. Not to wait until you fall in love with a woman. This can and does happen when you least expect it.

I speak as someone whose husband is gay and I didn't know until we'd been married a very long time. It completely devastated our family - two daughters that he had lied all their lives.

Original poster

DragonSnaps · 08/05/2018 11:26

I had previously been with a woman (one night stand) when I was single, so I don't need to pursue anything 'to see what it's like'. I did tell him about it once as the topic came up in a conversation, but I don't think he was really listening to me properly. I love my dh alot and wouldn't do anything to hurt him.

OP posts:

Hideandgo · 08/05/2018 11:26

It’s irrelevant to him and should be irrelevant to you.

Didiusfalco · 08/05/2018 11:29

I think it depends on your dh. I’ve told mine that if anything happened to him any subsequent relationship wouldn’t necessarily be with a man. He is completely fine with this and was unphased, but he is lovely and chilled.

sunshinesupermum · 08/05/2018 11:30

I didn't mean 'to see what it's like' - the women I know in your situation found themselves falling in love and then telling their husbands, which completely devastated them, and caused the marriage to break down.

My husband professed to loving me ( and I'm sure he did at one point) but you are not being honest about something that is very important in any relationship - your sexuality. Honesty is everything in marriage (otherwise why take vows?)

Didiusfalco · 08/05/2018 11:32

@sunshinesupermum I’m so sorry that happened to you. It sounds like your dh was completely dishonest about who he was.

sunshinesupermum · 08/05/2018 11:48

Thank you Didiusfalco

While I have sympathy for him that he had to hide his sexuality because of homophobia it is my girls (now adults) who he harmed mostly. They understood he was gay and were fine with that but not how he lied to all of us and hurt me. It's a far from unusual situation, sadly.

Bluemum18 · 08/05/2018 11:53

I believe it is a difficult one as by not telling him, you are not being true to yourself and to the relationship, however if you were to tell him then you would need to be ready for what could happen to the relationship.

He may feel betrayed, or may start feeling insecure. He will start to question things and their behaviour may change.

Unless you think you would be looking for a relationship elsewhere with the same sex then I would seriously consider not telling him.

BillyBadBreaks · 08/05/2018 12:39

Apart from the telling the best friend bit I could have written that original post myself. I decided to tell my husband before we got married because I don't like keeping secrets from him. He asked me a few questions and seemed a bit worried at first that I might fancy one of my female friends (I don't). Now it's a non-issue and I'm glad I told him. He is a pretty easy going guy in general though.

Original poster

DragonSnaps · 08/05/2018 13:09

I'm sorry that you and your children had to go through that sunshinssupermum. As you said, it's really not uncommon. I know quite a few people who were married and/or had children who admitted that they were gay later in life. It happened to my step dad too. His first wife left him for a woman.

I really do love my dh and take my marriage vows seriously, but that being said, nobody knows what the future holds anyway. My dh might fall in love with someone else or I might (I sincerely hope not as he's the one I want to grow old with) but nothing is certain in anybody's lives. I don't want to make him insecure (and I think that would most likely be his reaction) or that he'll silently dwell on it. But, on the other hand he could just as likely be totally fine with it.

OP posts:

sunshinesupermum · 08/05/2018 13:29

DragonSnaps I feel for you - but I hope you can be true to yourself and your DH someday

sunshinesupermum · 08/05/2018 13:30

Sorry, disregard the 'but' from post!

diddlemethis · 08/05/2018 13:39

You have to tell him. It is a huge thing, and if in the future your secret leaked, then he would view the whole of your relationship as a sham. It is incredibly selfish to imagine that he doesn't have the right to choose whether to be with you or not, that your right to lie takes priority. Would you be happy if he kept a secret such as this from you?

Original poster

DragonSnaps · 08/05/2018 14:19

Our relationship isn't a sham diddlemethis. If it were the other way around, then to be fair I would want him to be honest with me, but I would be totally ok with it as long as he had no desire to act on it (I have no desire to either). We love each other, the problem is if he takes things badly and sees it as something against him. It's not really a secret as such, but I don't want to needlessly ruin what we have, but don't want to feel like I'm lying either.
Like I said previously, if he asks me, then I'll tell him truthfully.

OP posts:

borlottibeans · 08/05/2018 14:31

Sorry, this probably isn't helpful advice because I don't know if I would in your position, but I just wanted to say I really don't think you have a moral obligation to tell him as some other posters are saying. If you were gay, yes, but you're no more likely to run off with a woman than you are with a man so this isn't relevant to your relationship. Would you feel obliged to report an occasional preference for men with beards?

FWIW my husband knows I'm bi but it came up very early in our relationship so it's a bit different to suddenly announcing it now we're married. I am glad he knows but if he didn't and I told him now he might worry that there was a reason it had come up.

borlottibeans · 08/05/2018 14:32

And of course your relationship isn't a sham FFS! You've (presumably) agreed to monogamy and you're not proposing to change that. Where is the sham, diddle?

Original poster

DragonSnaps · 08/05/2018 15:16

Thank you borlottibeans. Yes, I have absolutely no intention whatsoever of running off with a woman (or a man). I do also like the occasional bearded man , but wouldn't feel the need to announce it my dh.

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