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Original poster

Should I tell my husband I'm bisexual

47 replies

DragonSnaps · 08/05/2018 08:24

I have recently realised that I'm bi at 33. I fancied a few girls from the age of 13 but didn't really think about it too much, and I thought I was being weird (I hadn't heard of the term bisexual and didn't know what it was)
I finally realise that I am most definitely bi and I feel like a weight has been lifted. I've accepted who I truly am and I feel much happier. I've told my best friend and want to tell my husband about the 'real' me, but am wondering whether there's much point in mentioning it as we are happily married and it's not really going to achieve anything by telling him. There's no way I'd cheat on him. I'm unsure of what to do.

OP posts:

sunshinesupermum · 08/05/2018 15:57

I agree with diddle - OP's situation is no different from my gay ex not telling me about his sexuality therefore the marriage was a sham as I believed him to be straight - I might well have stayed in the marriage if I'd known the truth, on the other hand, not. He didn't run off with another man either but after many years of marriage he acted on his sexuality. These feelings tend to become stronger as you reach middle age, apparently.

Borlottie if you haven't walked in our shoes you can't say the marriage is not a sham. Sorry OP, I do sympathise with you, but my IMO you are putting your head in the sand. Everything is fine now but your husband deserves to know. As other people have said, their husbands are cool with the knowledge and I do think many of your generation are. Different from when I first married.

borlottibeans · 08/05/2018 16:20

sunshine I don't mean to be harsh and I agree that your husband not telling you he was gay was a shitty thing to do, but there is a big difference between being bi and being gay. The OP is not in a position where her sexuality means she can't be attracted to her husband, and I just don't see how she (or I, for that matter) is any more likely to act on her sexuality than a straight woman whose taste in men might change over time.

I'm sorry to bang on about this but there is a nasty and pernicious stereotype about bisexuals being untrustworthy and unable to keep it in their pants. It's neither true nor fair.

SpicyTomatos · 08/05/2018 16:28

You've told your friend though, so it is possible he could find out from other sources if, for example, she tells her husband who tells someone else. I imagine that would go down far worse with your husband than simply telling him.

Original poster

DragonSnaps · 08/05/2018 17:05

My friend wouldn't tell anyone anything without asking me if it's ok first, and I'd do the same for her. Plus, my DH very rarely sees her as she lives 30 miles away, and I don't get to see her much myself.

I guess when the time feels right, then I'll let him know myself as it's making me feel almost guilty that I haven't het told him. I'll leave it for a while though.

OP posts:

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 08/05/2018 19:53

You've told your vest friend but not your husband?

Crikey. Talk about putting yourself in a vulnerable position for the future. I hope you never ever fall out with your friend, or your friend doesn't take it upon herself to speak to someone else.

I don't think you should tell your husband but doesn't he have a right to know something so deeply personal about you before anyone else?

Babyg1995 · 08/05/2018 20:41

my Dp knows I'm bi as I told him at the very early dating stage. I will say this though he's an insecure person and has had melt downs over my female friends I would never cheat on him but I sometimes wish I had never told him but then I wanted him to have the choice to be with or not knowing I was bisexual.

diddlemethis · 08/05/2018 21:46

Hey I didn't say that your marriage is a sham, but if you keep this big a secret from your DH, he will understandably question everything you had together once the reveal happens.

Please don't prioritise your potential to be hurt over his reaction, over his right to react.

In no way do I believe bi folk are sexually avarice, but it's not fair to keep this form of secret from your spouse.

Samantha77hat · 09/05/2018 02:52

I’m quite progressive and think I’d be cool with it. In fact I’d be ok with them experimenting a bit if they wanted to explore that side. We are very secure in our relationship. I would expect it to be ok however for me to fuck the occasional stranger on business trips etc, why should partner get to play around if I can’t just because they’re bi. If they didn’t see eye to eye with this then the deal is off, has to be a level playing ground you see

EasterRobin · 09/05/2018 05:46

You've told him that you've slept with a woman. This should have been enough of a hint for him that you are sometimes attracted to women.

You say he wasn't really paying attention though, so perhaps this is a conversation topic you need to return to.

What makes you think you're bisexual? You're not actually dating or shagging women, so are we talking a current crush on a friend (which I wouldn't recommend telling your husband) or just reflecting on past crushes (which is much safer territory) or eyeing celebrity eye candy (again much safer territory). You might be better off telling your DH some very specific things (like "i think I have a bit of a celebrity crush on Sue Perkins") rather than going in straight away with the bisexual label. It's a lot less intimidating and gives you the chance to back away from the conversation if it's not looking good.

Original poster

DragonSnaps · 09/05/2018 06:47

EasterRobin I don't think I'm bi, I know I am. I'm sexually attracted to women the same way I am to men. If I wasn't already in a relationship with my husband, then I would be happy to be in a relationship with either a woman ora man. It's just something I know. I don't fancy any of my friends so he has nothing to worry about there. Even if I did I wouldn't act on it anyway. I love my dh.

diddlemethis I'm not intending to keep things a secret from my husband. I really feel like he should know this about me but I'll wait until I think the time is right to have a proper chat with him about it.

OP posts:

DarklyDreamingDexter · 09/05/2018 07:55

Why would you tell him if you're not planning to act on it? You're effectively saying to him that there is one part of your sexuality he'll never be able to fully satisfy. The effect of that would only make him feel insecure and maybe assume you are setting the ground work to cheat or leave him. Don't do it.

Original poster

DragonSnaps · 09/05/2018 08:47

Because it's part of who I am Darkly. I want him to know the whole 'me'. He thinks I'm straight, but I'm not, but he also knows that I'm not going to run off with one of his male friends. If I eventually let him know that I'm bi, then I'll hopefully get the message across that I've no intention of leaving him for a man or a woman.

OP posts:

sunshinesupermum · 09/05/2018 10:59

Well said Dragon that is exactly it - It's part of who I am A very important part.

Huskylover1 · 09/05/2018 15:19

He already knows you're Bi-sexual. You told him, that you had a ONS with a female. You say he wasn't listening, I'm sorry, I don't buy that, even if he was distracted, that sentence would be a "Wooah what?" moment. He knows. He's ignoring it.

I guess the question is, can you go for the rest of your life, without scratching this particular itch? That's the question I think he would fixate on, if you make an announcement now.

Personally, I could never be with a man who was Bi-sexual. My DH couldn't be with a woman who was bi-sexual. So that's another risk, if he really didn't hear your ONS story.

Huskylover1 · 09/05/2018 15:22

Because it's part of who I am Darkly. I want him to know the whole 'me'

This sentence, makes me think that it's a massive part of you. If it was a miniscule thing, you wouldn't even be thinking about it. Which again, makes me think it's only a matter of time, before you want to pursue this part of your sexuality. Like a PP said, maybe when mid life crisis hits.

You're saying that you don't want to sleep with a woman, so why all this head space? I think you're minimising.

DiamondsBestFriend · 09/05/2018 15:36

Before you tell anything to your DH you need to start to be honest with yourself about why you suddenly feel the need to be open about this side of yourself. After all, you’re in a monogamous relationship, you say you’re not planning to leave, and yet for some reason you feel that a part of you is the part that is attracted to women? Given your current relationship status makes no allowance for this fact there is no need to even explore this aspect within yourself given you’re not planning on cheating on your husband.

I think you’re not being honest here. I think you’ve possibly met someone who you have developed feelings for and it’s brought this need to accept your sexuality to the fore. If you admit to your DH that you’re bisexual then you can say that he knew, and you will feel free to explore the feelings you currently have for another woman.

FWIW I don’t believe that bisexuals are likely to run off with someone of the other sex at the drop of a hat, more likely to cheat or whatever. I personally wouldn’t be in a relationship with a bisexual because I am attracted to heterosexual men only, and as such I believe that couples should be honest with each other from the outset.

But this sudden realisation says something about you that you’re not yet ready to admit to yourself. You need to explore that first and then see where the marriage goes from there.

If my DP told me now that he had suddenly realised that he was bisexual the only conclusion I could reach was that someone had triggered feelings in him which made him realise that he was in fact also attracted to men. I would also think that his need to come out as it were, so late into the relationship meant that he was having doubts about us. There would be no other reason to do so if the relationship was stable and he was planning to remain in a monogamous relationship with me only. For me, if my partner came out years into a relationship I would leave.

BillyBadBreaks · 09/05/2018 16:57

DiamondsBestFriend "I am attracted to heterosexual men only"
How do you know? They might not have told you they are bisexual.

Bisexuals often get dismissed, including in this thread, people seem to assume that you're either straight or gay based on who you're dating at the time so it's no wonder some people don't realise that they're bisexual until later in life. I told my husband 6 years into our relationship, there were no women waiting in the wings and I've no intention of leaving him for anyone. I didn't want to tell him at first, partly because it seemed unnecessary and partly because I was worried about him liking the idea too much! In the end I just wanted him to know rather than it seeming like some strange secret.

Original poster

DragonSnaps · 09/05/2018 18:07

Diamonds I don't need to explore anything. As I said previously, I have already been with a woman before I met my dh. You say that you would leave if your dp said he was bi years into the relationship, but that's your choice. It's not necessarily what everyone else would do.

OP posts:

sunshinesupermum · 09/05/2018 19:39

Dragon This is what I've found in the community I belong to where partners come out a gay or bi after years of marriage. The realisation one partner is gay or bisexual has, in most cases, been triggered by feelings for someone outside the marriage. This ultimately led to the breakdown of the marriage with one or other partner leaving. Some because they can no longer live with a partner who is not heterosexual and some because of the lies and deceit. In many instances, it is the gay or bisexual partner who leaves once they find a same sex partner.

As you say it's 'individual choice' as to whether the straight partner walks or stays, but you are denying your DH his choice just as mine denied me mine.

Huskylover1 · 13/05/2018 11:36

If my DH announced he was bi-sexual, our marriage would be over.

wildgarlicflowers · 13/05/2018 11:48

If you are not intending to be unfaithful what would be the point? You were truthful about your experience and so he knows on some level and you were open. Leave it at that

BigDamnHero · 13/05/2018 12:14

In opposition to pretty much everyone else on the thread, I told my DH years ago. He was fine, I was fine, I didn't leave him for someone else and he's never suspected I was about to.

I guess it depends what sort of relationship you have. DH and I are very open and honest with each other and trust each other.

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