Exh is so angry all the time. WWYD?

[fortygin]

Sorry in advance for the long post. Looking honest opinions and advice please.
Separated from ex last year after 24 years after a year long affair was exposed to me (his second confirmed affair in six years) and I felt that I could not stay with him as the little trust I had in him would never return and honestly I didn't respect nor love him after what he had put me through.
We have 4 dc aged 13, 11, 10 and 6.
I met someone fairly quickly afterwards and ex has not taken this well.
New dp briefly met dc after 6 months and seemed to adjust well. Exh on the other hand has accused me of everything.
I do all the day to day care for the Dc tho they stay with him one weekend night a week (24hrs) and overnight from 5 till 8am two weekday nights and I Get no maintenance from ex.
I do all school runs and homework, get what they need for school or day to day and I work 24hrs a week.
He has said I put myself first because I haven't kept my relationship a secret like his affair was and I'm affecting my eldest two dc's mental health.
On of my eldest has a history of saying they are unwell so as to stay off school, this has been going on for many years but as I took them last week after they refused to get on the bus and asked the school for counselling he is saying it is due to my new relationship. He has told them I may move in with my dp soon and this has unsettled the two eldest dc understandably.
I keep in touch and let him know what's happening and offer to meet to discuss his concerns. I am told to 'go fuck myself'.
I suppose my question is how do I sort this? I just want a little peace in my life.

What a shity Dad your poor dc have

Get maintenance sorted
Tell your dc that unfortunately their dad hasn’t got the correct information concerning your own relationship and reassure them to ask you as he seems to be getting very confused and muddled

Best of luck - what a loser 😮

Thank you. He says that as we both run homes that he shouldn't pay maintenance and , in fact, requested half of the child benefit. He was quite angry when I said no.
I have spoken to the Dc and reassured them and said that for the moment my dp won't be around when they are here. ( he has been coming once a week for a few hours to normalise things and familiarise them with him being around)

Stop engaging with him while he's being so nasty to you.

The cheek to say he kept his affair secret. Of course he did...he was a married man. He can't compare your relationship with his sleazy affair.

Tell your eldest DC that their dad got it wrong and you have not discussed you and your new BF moving in together. Reassure them that they can ask you any questions and you'll be honest with them.

Stick to pick ups/drop offs and keep conversations in writing if he can't be civil to you.

Thanks sandy, al the vitriol has been via txt so it's all in black and white.

Does he have a job? If so you should consider getting the CSA involved.

Don’t respond to the text, ever, you can’t argue with silence with ease

Contact the Child Maintenance Service and let them deal with him. Your children are entitled to some financial support from him.
It won’t be easy and he will be angry. Tough! He’s left you with no choice. Ring them tomorrow and start the process. He is no longer your concern. Be strong, I’m coming to the end of my CMS days and won’t be sorry to see it finish.

Yes he has a good job but thinks as I get the child tax credit and child benefit and he has them three overnights that he shouldn't have to pay.
I know I'm a walkover as I don't want to rock the boat.
I have a wedding this weekend to go to and I asked him in nov to swap days with me and he agreed.
Since them when I have mentioned money he has twice said he wouldn't do it as a punishment for me being 'irrational'
I want to file for divorce under the 'unreasonable behaviour' clause but I fear he will make my life hell and try to alienate the kids by telling them I am only doing it so I can marry my dp. (Not going to happen as he is also the full time resident parent of two teenage dd!)

He had an affair, divorce him for being adulterous

He is a controlling person, take his control away - I won’t have the children as punishment

Fine don’t have them, I love having my dc so what if I miss the wedding

Or no issue Betty will have them

As soon as they find they can’t control you

It stops

Don’t ‘allow’ the control

Thank you, solicitor said I adultery is notoriously hard to prove even though I have a handwritten note and they're pages if photographic evidence from his Ow.
She chose to remain anonymous do as not to blow up her life!
I'm here alone all my family live overseas so he knows that the only free time I get is when he has them.
I wouldn't mind if he didn't see the kids though. I just need to man up.

I'm getting fear from your posts. Despite being apart you're afraid of him and modifying your behaviour to appease him.

Do you have a solicitor yet? You need advice. It's also great to have the option of speaking through a solicitor.

I'm suspicious of his overnight arrangements. 5-8 on school days- so you have the hassle of school pick ups and drop offs? And yet he can deduct these overnights from any future maintenance claim. I suspect he knows this and has either seen a solicitor or had advice from a divorced friend. Does this arrangement suit you and your job? Or just him and his job? So he'll get a full day's pay, no maintenance claim and be dad of the year. You work part time. Could you earn more if you didn't have the school run? Think long term. Why should he have it all his own way? He needs to work around his children now.

Also the weekend access- does this suit you? Would you rather have every other weekend? Or does it suit him to know you can't go on weekends away with your DP? Or even with your DC! Think about what YOU want now and in the future.

By claiming maintenance you are doing what is right for you and your 4dc. If he didn't want to pay maintenance he shouldn't have trashed his marriage by shagging around.

Yes I am afraid, very afraid. I lived my life on eggshells for over six years.
Yes I do all school runs and I have asked for maybe a change of access arrangements as my eldest dc find the constant movement difficult.
I have a solicitor who wants to send a letter asking him to cease and desist from the verbal and emotional abuse but I keep delaying.
He has anger problems, never really physical, but I'm very scared of him and still try to please and pacify him to keep him sweet for the dc.

Ok I need to be more honest. I've walked on eggshells for as long as the dc have been born. I've seen him shout at football matches etc and he could loose his temper very easily.
The DC have also said for years that he shouts at the tv and tells them they are using too much broadband whilst he is trying to play fifa.
My Dp also proposed a few weeks ago. I said yes and we plan to get married and live together but not for many many years until our dc are of age where they are not our main priority.
We only told very few people and the dc very basically but my exh told them that I would marry and move house and there would be no room for them.
I have spoken to them and explained that its simply not true but I have them having to deal with adult issues.

Take control, he always going to be an arsehole as he was for most of your marriage.

File for divorce on whatever grounds you want.

Go to CMS and get maintenance you are due whatever he says.

Can you arrange alternative childcare to be on standby for this weekend so you can go to the wedding and if he pulls out then you can still go. Don't tell him you have alternative childcare.

Be honest with your children tell them you have not discussed living together with BF as it is far to early for any discussion like that. SO nothing will change at home.

As for your EX being unhappy about you moving on of course he is as it doesn't follow his narrative.

You no longer have to walk on eggshells around him. You need to divorce him and regardless of what he says, he has to pay you maintenance. Do it officially. He sounds abusive and controlling, maybe speak to woman's aid?

The dc have been told that NOTHING will change for them at home. It's us five against the world regardless of wether I'm in a relationship or not.
I guess exh's manipulation has made me wonder if I am selfish being in a relationship and not being with them 24/7.
Exh says his affair was different as it was secret.

Yes his affair was very different because he was bloody cheating. You're legitimately in a relationship so don't need to lie and sneak and hide it. Honestly op, stop listening to him. He's trying to convince you that lying and cheating and having an affair is better than having a relationship out in the open when you are no longer with him - wtf??

He sounds hard work BUT if he has them three night every week, I agree with him that morally maintenance shouldn't be payable, although he would have to pay through CMS, with a reduction for the overnight stays if in the UK.
You do receive all the benefits. He does have to house and feed his children nearly half of the time and doesn't get anything for it.

His behaviour is totally unacceptable but the child maintenance system is not fit for purpose.

Just realised my post may have come across the wrong way. I do sympathise with your situation but I was trying to say that I would let that issue go personally as he does have significant shared care.

@MumOfTwoMasterOfNone He isn't doing 50/50 care though, it sounds like OP is picking them up after school, dropping them at his with clean clothes and then in the mornings going to his house and taking them to school. He is literally feeding them dinner and breakfast and providing them with a bed and it sounds like he's ignoring them in favour of playing fifa as well.

Mumoftwo just for the record I'm not asking for maintenance. It's not worth it.
I do all the drop off and pick ups and buy all they need. If they needs tights for school and are at his, he txts me and asks me to drop some up and I work, and receive only the benefits I would get was I with him.
I may seem snappy but pls don't make this out that I'm money grabbing because nothing could be further from the truth, he provides food on three evenings and a bed to sleep in and NOTHING else.

He's using the children to get at you and you, understandably, are to a large extent playing into his hands because you don't want him to turn his abuse directly on the children when he is with them.

The children are still young, and obviously you don't want them having to deal with adult issues but unfortunately by trying to keep them in the dark about a lot of what is going on is just making it easier for him to manipulate you all.

There are ways to be honest with the children about what untruths their father is telling them, without actually coming out and saying he is an abusive, manipulative liar. They will find that bit out for themselves sooner or later. Children are very good are sniffing out what is true and what isn't - if he tells them lies, you must correct them and simply say dad was wrong about that.

Also I would heed the advice above about the access arrangements - they don't sound to suit anyone except him. Much as you are afraid to rock the boat, you need the services of a very good family law solicitor to sort out access and payments. And if he becomes angry - tough. He can only continue to control you if you allow it.

I'm sorry I was correct about how his childcare works. If he wants 50/50 care he needs to pay 50/50 for clothes/toys/etc and be picking up and dropping off at school. Perhaps this might be able to be written into some sort of arrangement order? Otherwise you are actually depriving the children of things, it doesn't sound like he's using the money he's saving to treat them to anything.

Have you asked the children why they are believing him over you? The older ones may understand if you explained in child appropriate terms that you do not speak to your ex about anything other than them, so anything he says relating to you, your fiance or otherwise private life needs to be verified by you and they should always ask.

Thank you. That's what I need someone not involved to tell me what I have to do. I really do need to put my big girl pants on.

Exh says his affair was different as it was secret
Yes it was different.
He was cheating!
On you and on his DC.
On more than 1 occasion.
He was dishonest and he was deceitful throughout those affairs.
You are not. You are separated.
Please take your solicitors advice and stop trying to pacify someone who will never ever change.
No matter what you do.

And go to CMS.
You know he should be paying.
It does NOT matter one tiny little bit what he says.
It is what the law says that counts.

Have you done an on-line calculation?
Do it HERE
Maybe you could gain some leverage, although I don't recommend it with an abuser.
So if he earns around 50K he should be paying you £100 per week!!!
£430 per month is not something you should be depriving your kids of!

Take back the control.
He's an asshole.
You know it, he kids know it, his friends know it, his family knows it!
So what are you protecting him for?
Stop it!!!!