Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

We're engaged but he doesn't want to get married

30 replies

Ace95 · 07/05/2018 14:04

Last year my boyfriend proposed to me on my birthday, we've been together 3 years and have a beautiful daughter together. However, since then every time I have brought up the wedding he brushes it off and says he doesn't want a wedding because he doesn't want my family there.

Now to put it out there my family and I don't get a long and since I moved out at 18 to go to University we have only spoken maybe once a month if that, and have only seen eachother a number of times. So to me having my family there isn't really a big deal but to him it seems to be the reason stopping him.

Anyway, yesterday he just stated he didn't really want to get married at all, and I asked him what was the point of giving me the ring. It sounds like I'm being petty, but what is the point of wearing this ring if he has no intention of meeting me at the end of the aisle?

I'm kind of at a loss here.

OP posts:

OlennasWimple · 07/05/2018 14:05

You're not engaged if he doesn't want to get married - you just have a (hopefully!) nice ring

Is getting married a deal breaker for you?

MikeUniformMike · 07/05/2018 14:06

Of course, he doesn't want to get married. Is the house in his name, are you a SAHM, ...?

MrsHathaway · 07/05/2018 14:10

If he doesn't intend to get married then you aren't engaged.

What would happen if you suggested a secret half-hour town hall jeans and t-shirt paperwork ceremony?

MillicentF · 07/05/2018 14:10

Do you want to be married?
Whose house do you live in?
Do you have wills?
If you have children is he named on the birth certificate?

ellsbells2 · 07/05/2018 14:10

An engagement is the result of someone saying "will you marry me". If there's no intention to get married then you're not engaged.

I'd be having a chat with him about what you both want from the relationship.

Helpmeplan · 07/05/2018 14:13

Tell him you'll elope then. You need the legal protection of marriage.

0range99 · 07/05/2018 14:15

If he doesn't want to get married then you are not engaged as others have said.

Would you be happy to go off to the registry office and get married? If so, suggest that, and see what he says. He may not want a full on wedding.

I suppose you have to decide whether being married is a deal breaker and if it is then you have to leave as you can't be married to someone you have to issue an ultimatum to being married.

Isetan · 07/05/2018 14:17

Your family is an excuse, I suspect that he thought that being engaged was enough of a gesture (probably to show him in a positive light) to keep your happy/quiet.

You have to decide if it’s a dealbreaker for you but having child has diminished your leverage.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 07/05/2018 14:18

The ring was to shut you up, sorry.

Is this another one of those posts where the man who doesn't want to get married has a property in his name only?

Original poster

Ace95 · 07/05/2018 14:32

Hi all,

we privately rent and both contribute to bills, I have a full-time job as well as him, and we mutually agree on all things apart from marriage. I have suggested a small wedding but all I get is a vacant stare and it's as if he hasn't heard me.

OP posts:

NurseButtercup · 07/05/2018 14:34

yesterday he just stated he didn't really want to get married at all, and I asked him what was the point of giving me the ring.

The ring was given as an intention to get married. He has changed his mind and is now saying that he no longer wants to marry you. If I was you I would take the ring off and give it back to him. Then I'd have a long hard think about if you're happy to stay in a relationship with him as your partner instead of your husband.

MikeUniformMike · 07/05/2018 14:34

Is everything else in the relationship ok?

NorthEndGal · 07/05/2018 14:35

Call me silly, but engaged means engaged to be married. If he isn't intending to marry you, he shouldn't have asked.

I'd ask straight out if he intends to marry you so at least you know where things stand. If he doesn't want to, you need to decide if you still want to stick around.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/05/2018 14:39

He has no intention at all of marrying you; you are basically his she will do for now woman. Why did he ask you to become engaged if marriage is not in his future?.

Would you still want to stay with him now?.

Original poster

Ace95 · 07/05/2018 14:39

@MikeUniformMike Yes everything else in the relationship is fine, it is purely to do with this 'engagement'.

I don't even talk to my friends about it because it sounds weird, because I know in the back of my head he doesn't want to do it. It isn't a deal breaker it just is a bit confusing that he would propose and not want to eventually get married.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/05/2018 14:47

Perhaps it should be a deal breaker.

Presumably as well your child has his surname too.

MikeUniformMike · 07/05/2018 14:48

I'd try to find out if he wants to stay with you permanently.
It might be the 'wedding' bit that scares him.

SoapOnARoap · 07/05/2018 14:55

Actions speak louder than words. His words are loud enough, he’s really not interested, his lack of activity is deafening.

Is there actually anything in it for him? That’s probably his issue.

Hope you find a way forward

CoffeeOrSleep · 07/05/2018 14:56

Try once more to have a conversation about getting married, what sort of wedding would he be happy with? If the answer is "none", give him the ring back. Tell him as he doesn't want to be married to you, there's no point wearing a lie.

Be prepared that this might all be excuses as it's not about the wedding, but wanting it to be easy to leave you if "someone better" comes along - if he no longer things you are "the one" but "the one for now", it might explain a reluctance to make it hard to walk away.

Helpmeplan · 07/05/2018 15:01

It bloody should be a deal breaker. You are not afforded the same legal protection - either of you - if you are not married.

You are both contributing equally to the household and bringing up a child together yet do not see the point of legally protecting yourselves.

Do you have wills? Life insurance?

Imo I would not be having more children with him, and I'd be looking at cab website and showing him.

I didn't know or appreciate the full benefits of marriage over living together until I was struck down with meningitis. That has prompted us to get married.

Angelf1sh · 07/05/2018 15:02

Marriage might not be a deal breaker, but the lies he’s told you surrounding it would be in my book. I agree with others, the ring was just to shut you up.

Original poster

Ace95 · 07/05/2018 15:11

I just want to point out that we hadn't spoken about marriage before he proposed because it just hadn't crossed my mind because we had only been dating for a year at that time.

OP posts:

kikashi · 07/05/2018 15:14

He has told you that He doesn't want to get married at all - you need to decide if that is okay with you or a deal breaker. I would take out some life insurance so your DC will have financial support and trustees if anything were to happen to you and write a will. Don't give up your job or have more DC until you have the matter sorted.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/05/2018 15:19

If he doesn’t want to get married, you’re not engaged. He’s been lying to you. I’d take the ring off. He won’t marry you if he doesn’t want to, and you wouldn’t want him to. But you’re a bit stuck now.

Sharonthetotallyinsane · 07/05/2018 15:21

It would be a deal breaker for me.

Flip

1 2