Found out my husband was texting other woman

[houseproudme]

So my husband was cooking last night. And his phone was charging and was on silent. I saw his phone light up and saw a call with a woman's name. I asked him who it was and he said it's work so I said 'maybe you should call back it might be important' he walked out, got into his car and drove off. And hasn't been back since. He text me saying the girl was really a girl he met and was just texting and chatting to her and it's all my fault because I'm difficult to live with. He gets to start a new life whilst I'm left a single mum struggling with kids and I was a SAHM so I don't know what will happen now as there is no way I can get a job right now with all the childcare costs, no family to help all on my own. We got some tax credits based on his wage but will I still be able to claim this or will i have to claim universal credit? We have more than 3 kids so would the 2 child rule apply to me if I change my claim ( even though the kids were born before April 2016?)

And how do single mums cope with feeling lonely and all be practical stuff. He used to cook things for the kids I have never been able to cook so I'm worried I won't get that right. I'm just worried for that future. I really loved him.. been together 13 years and now i don't know what to do

I’m sorry you are going through this but it sounds like he has not been honest with you and in view of that could you now trust him going forward. His reaction of driving off was immature you should have a talk together before you make any decisions but you are as a single parent entitled with assistance with your bills taking into consideration your house hold income is low

What a horrible shock and what a prick your husband is. Talk about cowardly!

Is your home rented or on a mortgage?

Do you have a friend who can come round tonight or tomorrow and help you sort things out?

Thank you. He's come back and made the excuse that we were going through bad patch and that's shyness been texting this woman but nothing further happpened. I asked him would have he gone further if i didn't find the phone call and he said no he wouldn't have. But i know that's rubbish. He's blaming me saying it's my fault because I need to change. He's picked out all my insecurities and said if I don't change them all he will carry on texting woman. He said I need to change how I view myself saying that I need to start going swimming with him and the kids ( he was the one who took them swimming I hate swimming and I'm very self conscious ) and if I don't he will carryon. He said if I carry on having my down days he will carry on he expects me to be positive every day he said. Then he said that if I don't start using lifts with him ( I'm clostophobic and hate being enclosed) then he said he will still text woman. So I have to stop doing all this for him to be faithful to me. I'm so down and feel so worthless

You need to do a bit of texting of your own - to a solicitor. This is emotional abuse of the first order. Do as I say or will contunue with my emotional affair. And then it will be a real affair.

Have a rare LTB from me.

You are not worthless. Not at all. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do including listening to his emotional blackmail.

On a practical level any tax credits you receive should be based on your level of income from last year (yours alone not joint) and your projected level of income from this year. (I recently had to put in a single from a joint claim but my area is still tax credits rather than UC). There are websites such as Entitled to which will indicate the amount of benefits you can expect to receive. Speak to the CAB to see if they can advise. You do not have to stick with this man unless you truly want to. Have faith in yourself x

We all go through rough patches. As people and as couples.

His behaviour is selfish and unsupportive

It is absolutely not your fault he's messaged other women/woman.

You do not control his actions.

It sounds like you'd be better off alone

Regardless of the examples of how you need to change he's giving you, what he's telling you is you're not the person for him, anymore. Nobody should ask anyone else to change. Both sexes are guilty of it. Ultimately its a cowardly move which removes your own responsibility to a/look at yourself and your own shortcomings and b/ means that you can avoid being brave and proactive and end the relationship yourself for as long as possible. That's where your dh is now. Make it easy and end it for him.

The practicalities are always scary for single mums but thousands of us do it every year and survive.

Is he for real, is he mentally unstable, seriously.

He obviously shouldn't be texting other women, thats a given but what does he actually want ?

Does he do all the cooking for 13 years ? Have you ever worked ?

Down days, poor self esteem, self conscious, claustrophobic, low mood......anxiety too?

Have you always been like this? When did this start? Why does he cook? Are there other things you fear not being able to do? Rough patch......how does this present? Do you have any intimacy and sex? Are you arguing? Is he usually supportive? Before this was he supportive? Has he said before that you need to be more positive and change the way you are?

Wow - he's a fucking cock!
You cannot just change who you are.
You have a phobia.
You can't just get over that and get on with it.
Blimey if it was that simple none of us would have any phobias at all.
He is now emotionally blackmailing you and you cannot put up with that shit.
Honestly, it will get worse.
You will conform and then he'll expect other things from you.
He will always be moving the goal posts if you do as he says now.
You don't want to swim. Don't do it. I hate swimming unless I'm abroad and it's boiling hot.
You don't want to go in lifts. So what?? Why is that an issue for him?
He's nasty and he's a bully.

Contact CAB and find out what you would be entitled to.
Is the house mortgaged in both your names?
Private rent??
Please do not do the 'pick me' dance.
He needs to get out for now and leave you in peace.
Make sure he does it immediately!!!!
Womens Aid may be able to help you as well.
I have a feeling he's always been abusive and your 'issues' are probably down to him and how he treats you.

Time to find your back bone. Pull up those big girl pants and find yourself and a new life, without this prick in it!!!

Anyone can cook.
If you can read, then you can cook so stop worrying about that.
No doubt he told you that you couldn't cook!
Bullshit!
Cooking is a piece of piss.
Fantastic cooking is not! But basics are dead easy!
Stop letting him put you down. Stop letting him belittle you.

CAB, Womens Aid - call them both urgently!
This is your wake up call to what a c^nt your partner is.
It's up to you how you deal with it!

He's been like this for years. Telling me I need to change and it's always something different. He doesn't do all the cooking no, just some days when he's off to give me a break from it. He very rarely helps in the house, I do it. I've been a SAHM for years but that doesn't bother him coz he knows childcare is expensive and we have no family to help. I never deprive him of sex, he gets it when he wants, I give him affection, I complement him every day, I thank him for the things he does, I praise how well he can do things, he gets all that and all I get back is cheating and lies. This isn't the first woman he has texts, and he cheated at the beginning of our relationship as well. I have low self esteem and he doesn't like it but I came from a bad home life and spent years being bullied at school but he doesn't help my Self esteem by doing all this. Years ago, after after my first two children i went on a diet and he complained inward to thin ( I was a size 8) now he complains I'm too big ( I'm now a size 12/14 after having my previous child)
I feel like I can't win. I'm not allowed to disagree with anything or with any plans because if I do he sees that as 'arguing' and also sees it as being depressed. If he said 'let's go to the park' and I say 'no how about we go here instead' he will see that as an issue and call me a depressive. I'm not allowed to be sad or down, I have to be happy everyday even when he hurts me. He expected me to have sex with him last night even after I found out he texted these woman and because I refused he said 'ok don't expect me to be here when you eventually want it'

Your relationship is dead. Your self esteem is dependent on YOU, so stop farming it out as a reaction to others. Take responsibility for your own happiness and leave this idiot. It could not be more simple.

He probably isn't helping your self esteem.

I have a friend who is scared of lifts and won't get in one alone. I prefer to take the stairs. But you know what I do? I get in that lift with her because she's a very dear friend and I don't judge her.

I buy chicken nuggets and chips and bang them from the freezer to the oven. My kids are OK. They wouldn't eat my home cooked meals anyways.

You don't have to bow down to him it's ok to be yourself. Please have a think about your options, this sounds intolerable. Take care x

what a Prick OP... sorry to hear you've had to endure this clown for so long

He keeps going on about him 'wanting me to be a true version of myself'

He's expecting me to be perfect

His expectations are too hard and i find it hard to be around him without being scared about what he will judge me for next. He's now being nice saying sorry and all that crap and this pattern has occurred before.. if this a game they play when emotionally abusing. Several times over the 13 years he's gone about how much I should changed, asked me to apologise then text woman then blame me. Then he's all nice and we go back to normal until the next time.

Kick HIM out.. you would be fine.. you contact the CMS and you apply for the benefits you are entitled to as a single parent... don't allow this guy to treat you with such disrespect as if you owe him..... kick her hideous cruel arse out the door Lady

Op, he's horrible, your further posts give a much clearer picture. I really genuinely think you would be better off without him.
You say you have been with him 13 years. Was he your first boyfriend?

Oh that answers my questions.

House you really do not need to put up with this. Anyone's self esteem would be on the floor. He's the one that needs to change. I'd set out exactly what needs to change in him and give him four weeks, no change then out. You need to take back the power. Work on yourself, get happy, overcome your issues and give him the ultimatum, see how he likes it.

Thanks everyone

He's my first real boyfriend yes. I'm 30 he's 39. When I met him I Was only 17, he was 26. He's the one I lost my virginity to ( sorry tmi) but I've never experienced any other relationship so I don't know what's normal and what isn't.

@houseproudme You do know that everything he has said is intentionally to hurt you? If you were Perfect he would still find fault.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

He has made his choices, chosen to engage with someone else, chosen to deliberately hurt you and emotionally abuse it. It’s not YOU, it’s HIM.

It’s time to get brave OP.

entitledto.com is a useful resource for benefits etc.

Have you family and friends? Start talking to someone, say it out loud.

Find a counsellor (I used the counsellor directory) and start undoing the harm he caused.

So, so many of us have been where you are. MN was invaluable to me. I’m out the other side, and I can tell you the grass is much greener.

Oh OP,

Get rid my lovely. He's not bringing anything positive to your life

Get thee to a divorce solicitor and get him gone. You will find out what a weak and spineless man he truely is, you can go it alone and believe me you can do 50x better without that useless cheating no good poor excuse of a man.

I know you're saying you don't know anything else and what's normal. Well this isn't normal! You shouldn't have to negotiate him staying faithful or him staying with you.

You've had some great advice on here. Ideally, you throw him out, sort out your benefits and you crack on being a great Mum.

You can learn as you go with cooking. YouTube and the internet have made it the best time to learn

I haven't read the full thread but what a fucking prick. I can't believe what I just read. His list of demands is ridiculous.