Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn’t want me around

32 replies

Catherine0201 · 06/05/2018 20:53

Me and boyfriend aren’t living together, we’ve suffered miscarriages (hence how I found myself on mumsnet to begin with), and I’ve spent a lot of time at his home, to the point where he asked me to move in. I spent the majority of time at his place and spent most days with him for the past few weeks. Since I had my most recent miscarrage I haven’t gone back to work due to severe anxiety, I am looking for new work whilst I am signed off sick. My boyfriend is in the vetting process of a new job so he too is off work at the moment, this has led to us spending day in day out together. I was fine to do this, I enjoy his company, and I don’t get sick or tired of it, he makes me happy. Last night we had an explosive row with him saying he doesn’t want spend time with me as he’s spent far too much with me and he’s getting really irritated. He basically told me to go back home, I was quite hurt by how irritated he was, but said that was fine and I would leave today. I left his place at 2pm today, he was fine with me this morning but things still seemed a bit awkward as I was packing my things to come home for a bit. I haven’t heard from him since and I’m wondering whether I should text him or just leave it as it is? The only thing making me want to text him is I don’t want to go to sleep and not have heard from him, however the other half of me thinks that since he was so determined to have time without me, I shouldn’t bother. What do you think?

OP posts:
Saz1995 · 06/05/2018 20:56

Leave it, let the man child sulk

Gemini69 · 06/05/2018 20:57

I'm so sorry to read of your recent and past miscarriages OP.. Flowers

tbh I would give him some space... leave him be even for tonight .. you maybe need the time to just take a bit of a breather too ...

Original poster
Catherine0201 · 06/05/2018 21:03

@Gemini69 Thankyou, it has been quite tough, I have fertility tests on Wednesday so a bit nervous about that. Just feel I haven’t been right mentally since the first mc, but with each one things have a got a bit tougher Blush
@saz1995 you’re probably right, just thought he’d want to check on me since I drove home, make sure I got here ok, since i know I’d do that, suppose you realise not everyone cares in the same way you do

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 06/05/2018 21:06

Sorry you've experienced losses OP, it's hard Flowers

I'm gonna be honest, it doesn't sound like your DP is gonna be there for the hard parts.

sonjadog · 06/05/2018 21:06

Give him space. I think maybe I understand where he is coming from. I also need time on my own away from the people I love. It has nothing to do with how much I love them, it has to do with my own personal needs.

Saz1995 · 06/05/2018 21:06

Exactly that! I’m sorry if my reply seemed blunt and I’m sorry to hear you’re going through a tough time with miscarrying xx

Original poster
Catherine0201 · 06/05/2018 21:12

@sonjadog @NotTheFordType @Saz1995 it’s just so difficult with my anxiety to not worry. I’m sitting here wondering what he’s doing and why he isn’t the slightest bit concerned as to where I am, I presume as it’s bank holiday he is probably out with his friends. Me and him are very different and it’s just hard for me to understand. It sounds awful but I feel the miscarrages have slowly been tearing at our relationship, before them I was happy for us to do our own thing and now I just worry and panic, it’s horrible. I wish all of this didn’t happen to us but suppose everything happens for a reason.

OP posts:
whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 06/05/2018 21:16

If I was you then I'd be getting myself an appointment with my GP to treat the anxiety problem.

Leave your partner to it. Focus on yourself over the next few weeks to work to get yourself back in good mental shape.

Original poster
Catherine0201 · 06/05/2018 21:21

@whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 I have anxiety medication which I’ve taken an hour or so ago, you’re right I’ll just leave it, it’s just hard for me to tell the difference between someone actually being unreasonable or my anxiety talking x

OP posts:
BlueTrousers · 06/05/2018 21:21

Have the miscarriages been as the result of you trying for a baby?
If so I would stop that right away, he doesn’t sound like he’s be supportive in the long run, also it’s not the best idea if you don’t live together anyway

Original poster
Catherine0201 · 06/05/2018 21:24

@PinkBall they weren’t planned pregnancies but I had every intention of keeping them once I found out, really? Does he sound that bad??

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 06/05/2018 21:25

You could text him am home now. Night.

Alternatively you could leave him in his man cave feeling sorry for himself.

SandyY2K · 06/05/2018 21:41

Sorry for your losses.

Is he ready to be a father? Perhaps seeing if you are able to live together should be determined before bringing a new life into the world. A baby places a lot of pressure on a relationship... best to be on firm ground.

Sashkin · 06/05/2018 21:55

Does he sound that bad??

He doesn’t sound abusive, but he doesn’t sound right for you. I think the measure of a relationship is how you pull together in a crisis. And in your case, you say that each miscarriage has torn the relationship further and further apart.

I’ve also had three miscarriages, a violent stranger rape, DH’s mother dying in a fairly unpleasant way (cancer), various job woes, DH broke his hip, and I had a high risk pregnancy that involved a two-month hospital admission and premature baby. That’s in the last 15 years. We are closer than ever, and when bad stuff happens I know I can rely on DH (who is usually pretty flakey) to get his act together and do what needs to be done. It doesn’t sound like your partner has your back or is able to offer you much support to be honest.

Is he going with you for the fertility investigations? If not, why not? DH is terrified of hospitals, and gets true room-spinning vertigo with heights, but he managed to come to all of my tests with me despite them being on the 11th floor at Guys.

Sometimes stressors pull you together, sometimes they highlight where things aren’t right.

Original poster
Catherine0201 · 06/05/2018 22:01

@Sashkin sorry to hear all that you’ve been through :( he said he will come with me to the fertility tests, I think it hasn’t helped we’ve both been off work and spent each second of the day together for about a month. I am beginning to question my relationship now but I feel I often do this since the anxiety kicked in, it’s hard to differentiate the thinking between the rational and irrational

OP posts:
Chippyway · 06/05/2018 22:19

I’m not gunna lie. It would be too much for me to be around somebody 24/7. No jobs, no leaving the house etc that’s not healthy!

I don’t think he’s an arsehole nor do I think he’s abusive (mn love to label every man abusive!) I just think he’s gone about things the wrong way

If you had your own house with him you wouldn’t spend all your time constantly together.

Sashkin · 06/05/2018 22:34

Thanks Catherine, but over the course of their adult lives most couples will go through a similar number of major upheavals. I don’t think that we have been particularly unlucky in that regard. Long term relationships need to be strong enough to withstand this sort of thing because it happens to everyone eventually.

TwentySmackeroos · 06/05/2018 22:43

This does not sound good to me at all. I am very sorry for your miscarriages Thanks I would not be trying for a baby with this man.

Isadora666 · 06/05/2018 22:52

OP please do not have a baby with him. Your focus should be on your mental health not conception, at the moment.

Original poster
Catherine0201 · 06/05/2018 23:04

I’m not trying for a baby, I have my fertility tests just to make sure nothing is wrong for future x

OP posts:
Fuckwithnosensesauce · 07/05/2018 00:19

Tbh i don't think this man is for you. I think you need to focus on yourself. Sort your anxiety out by your self. Make more of an effort not to get pregnant until you are in a loving and supportive relationship. Maybe he feels overwhelmed by the pregnancies and doesn't want kids yet. Isometi es wanted to get rid if boyfriends when they had overstayed their welcome as i wanted to do my own thing. Familiarity breeds contempt and all that.

How long gave you been together?

Hope you app brings good news.

Fuckwithnosensesauce · 07/05/2018 00:28

Also, don't contact him give him sometime and space. Don't move in with someone just because you are spending time at his! In fact I don't think I'd move in with him at all now, even if he asked..

Things really change when you move in together. Lots of people on here have said that the sex gets less frequent because there isn't the same dynamic any more. Dating is fun, getting dressed up, or not, going out somewhere. Living together can take the mystery out of it sometimes and make it more routine. We all want what we can't have and we want it more if it's in short supply.

PsychedelicSheep · 07/05/2018 09:50

If neither of you work how will you support a baby?

Also if the babies weren’t planned did you have multiple contraception failures? Does he actually want to be a dad as opposed to not not wanting to if you get me?

I think you need a very honest talk about your hopes and plans for your futures, and don’t get pregnant again until you’re completely on the same page with it.

lifebegins50 · 07/05/2018 10:06

How old are you both?

I think its best to not try for a baby and take steps to prevent a pregnancy as you do need to get your life more settled.Less to do with your relationship and more with getting your life on track.

Work on your happiness, job and health and then you will feel able to evalate your relationship.

Original poster
Catherine0201 · 07/05/2018 21:57

I only mentioned the miscarriages to explain where my anxiety had started, they aren’t something I really want to discuss in depth. The pregnancies weren’t planned, yes were contraception failures, and we are both with jobs. I’m off work on sick leave but still getting full pay, and of course I wasn’t on sick leave before I got pregnant. My boyfriend has left his old job and started a new job and has his start date which is in 2 weeks time. @PsychedelicSheep

OP posts: