He doesn’t want me around

[Catherine0201]

Me and boyfriend aren’t living together, we’ve suffered miscarriages (hence how I found myself on mumsnet to begin with), and I’ve spent a lot of time at his home, to the point where he asked me to move in. I spent the majority of time at his place and spent most days with him for the past few weeks. Since I had my most recent miscarrage I haven’t gone back to work due to severe anxiety, I am looking for new work whilst I am signed off sick. My boyfriend is in the vetting process of a new job so he too is off work at the moment, this has led to us spending day in day out together. I was fine to do this, I enjoy his company, and I don’t get sick or tired of it, he makes me happy. Last night we had an explosive row with him saying he doesn’t want spend time with me as he’s spent far too much with me and he’s getting really irritated. He basically told me to go back home, I was quite hurt by how irritated he was, but said that was fine and I would leave today. I left his place at 2pm today, he was fine with me this morning but things still seemed a bit awkward as I was packing my things to come home for a bit. I haven’t heard from him since and I’m wondering whether I should text him or just leave it as it is? The only thing making me want to text him is I don’t want to go to sleep and not have heard from him, however the other half of me thinks that since he was so determined to have time without me, I shouldn’t bother. What do you think?

He wanted to be a dad as did I want to be a mum when the opportunity presented itself, nothing was planned as of course we would have preferred to have moved into our own home, but not every situation is ideal I was prepared to make it work. He texted me last night at 12PM and was being sweet so I guess absense does make the heart grow fonder, I have been a bit distant over text due to him saying he wants alone time but now he seems more clingy on me than ever. God aren’t men confusing!

I think you need to seriously look at your contraception methods, get established in your new jobs (past probation stage and whatever period to get full maternity benefits) before you do anything else with this guy, planning a baby or moving in.
I sympathise with your miscarriages, I have been there, and can understand your anxiety. x

OP - sorry about the miscarriages.

However - multiple contraception failures seem like something isn’t right in the way you use contraception.

And haven’t you got the order of things a bit off?
First - figure out if too can even be together. And that includes living together. And - even, sometimes 24/7.

Because - if you have a child - staying in the same house - and for an extended period of time can and will happen.

Then - ideally - you get married. Because in this country - women’s rights aren’t protected properly unless you are married. And having a kid changes a lot and more so for a woman than for a man.

And THEN you think about having a child.
And NOT when your contraception fails next time.

For what it’s worth - he doesn’t sound like he is ready to be a full time partner, let along a husband, and a dad.

As previously started this wasn’t really to discuss my miscarriages, I really don’t need scrutiny on the contraception failures as I’ve dealt it with it, and it doesn’t need to be re-visited. The miscarrage was only worth mentioning as I discussed my anxiety, that’s it. I haven’t got the order of things off because this wasn’t the plan to begin with. I would understand your comment if the pregnancy was planned but since it wasn’t, it’s a bit invalid.

I think if I spent a month with someone 24/7 I'd be going up the walls, never mind all the pressure about fertility tests and grief of the miscarriages. (Sorry you've had a rough ride.)

However if you have had 3 contraception failures in

Do you give him and 'me time' when you're together? it does sound like you are more clingy than he is.

the other half of me thinks that since he was so determined to have time without me, I shouldn’t bother - this is very intense, maybe he just wanted a pint with his mates?

However, I would be reconsidering how compatible you are in the long term. Chuck in a screaming baby & sleep deprivation, how would he cope then?

I think you do actually need to factor in the fact that you have fallen pregnant several times. Surely you can see in the scheme of things this may be significant. Anyone can have a mishap and end up pregnant, but you seem to feel that this is insignificant. It’s not. If I fell pregnant with someone who I was not committed to and who was not committed to me, I would make sure it didn’t happen again.

This man wants a bit of space from you whereas you seem to want the whole shebang immediately. Take notice of what people are saying and what they are kindly 8mplying.

@Catherine0201

Sorry for the delay in response. I had severe anxiety issues which also still come and go to a certain extent. I don't take medication now but I did DBT therapy which was very helpful. The aim of the therapy is to test your thoughts and reactions to situations that cause you to be anxious or upset. Even if it isn't right for you, it's definitely worth reading about. I have a module book that I did at home.

Stressful relationships often coincide with anxiety. They are not always the cause of it but it's always worth taking a deep breath and a step back to look at the whole picture.

I wish you lots of luck.