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Original poster

I want my DP to propose!!

51 replies

cherryblossom4 · 06/05/2018 20:44

I've been with my OH for a year. We're both 29. He's divorced (she cheated on him). He doesn't seem to carry any issues from this. Although he had thought he had found the right person, he is quite pragmatic just feels like she wasn't the right person.

We have talked absolutely it the future and we definitely both feel we will be together forever and will definitely get married one day. We are planning on starting to try for a baby at the end of this year. I would love so so much to get engaged now. And I do say it to him in a light hearted way sometimes. My sister got engaged to her boyfriend after 7 years so he jokes that we will do the same. I have been clear that I do not want to wait that long and he does laugh like he's just winding me up. As he has only split from him wife about 19 months ago and divorced 13 months, I think he's afraid that it will look bad.

Anyway I don't really know what I'm asking but has anyone got any tips for making it happen quicker?! HA x

OP posts:
sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 07/05/2018 00:30

I'm sorry*, wtf? Why do you need to be married before you have a baby?

OP, a proposal seems very early in your relationship - it's only been a year. It takes a lot longer than that to realise if you're compatible for a lifetime. If you're certain that you are, then what's stopping you from asking?

*I'm not sorry, I was trying to be polite.

nocoolnamesleft · 07/05/2018 02:39

we definitely both feel we will be together forever and will definitely get married one day

So you basically are engaged? But without a timescale for getting married?

Scott72 · 07/05/2018 03:38

You could have a child without getting married first. One of the main benefits of marriage is additional security should he leave, but with a child you can still get child support.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 07/05/2018 03:47

12 months together is nothing. A proposal or moving in is standard after 2 years. I assume you’re not living together yet?

You should not have children with someone you hardly know, even if you “want to spend eternity together”. You haven’t (presumably) been through any adversity together so you don’t know how he will react to tough times. If you haven’t lived together you know nothing of his habits that might drive you insane or that you might not want your children to inherit.

Don’t have children with someone you haven’t lived with. This is why people get married first. It’s common sense. You don’t need to be married to have kids but you DO need to know them properly and you can’t do that unless you live with them.

If you want to speed things up then propose to him. If you deliberately get pregnant with no commitment whatsoever with a guy you don’t know that well then you’re an idiot.

What you’re feeling is limerence. It’s not love. Love takes time and experience.

Graduate223 · 07/05/2018 03:52

Don’t have a baby out of wedlock. Get married first.

Scott72 · 07/05/2018 04:32

I was just thinking of how female fertility does decline after 30. It could be years until he feels comfortable enough to marry (understandable IMO).

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 07/05/2018 11:43

Why do you need to be married before you have a baby?

You don’t need to be married. But it leaves you and your child in a much more secure position should your partner die or leave.

Also, if someone is umming and ahhing over marrying you, which can be undone, then why on earth do you think they would commit to raising a baby! Which can’t be undone!

Scott72 · 07/05/2018 11:57

You make it sound like the main purpose of marriage is to ensure the woman gains more money when the two of them splits up.

Mannix · 07/05/2018 12:04

Don't have a baby before you get married unless you plan to return to work full time. If you want to be a SAHM or go part time, you'll be in a financially vulnerable position.

Mannix · 07/05/2018 12:05

Scott it's kind of the opposite - ensuring the man doesn't walk away with far more money after the split.

lynsey91 · 07/05/2018 12:09

Rubbish that a year isn't long enough to know each other. Me and DH knew each other 5 months before we got married. Very happily married for almost 40 years

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 07/05/2018 12:14

You make it sound like the main purpose of marriage is to ensure the woman gains more money when the two of them splits up.

More money? More than what? Marriage creates a legal agreement between both parties mean on separation. The family money is split fairly. We aren’t living in a feminist utopia.(yet) where women and mean both split childcare and housework fairly. Most of the drudge work in families is done by women, unpaid, so that their partners can earn and generally improve their career. They build savings and pensions and put their names on the mortgages and the women sacrifices her career and pensions and future financial security. Upon divorce the balance is (usually) restored. The money the woman earned by facilitating his career is given to her. It’s her money. Not more money. Hers. If she isn’t married, she doesn’t get it.

RainySeptember · 07/05/2018 12:14

Well there's always an anecdote to buck the statistics.

Just like we all know someone who smoked 20 a day and lived into their 80s.

Still not particularly sensible to move in and start trying for a baby within a year and especially without the protection of marriage imo.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 07/05/2018 12:19

You make it sound like the main purpose of marriage is to ensure the woman gains more money when the two of them splits up.

also, what exactly do you think the main purpose of marriage is if not to create a legal contract? Confused it’s not about love! You can love whoever you want without marriage. Maybe it’s about cake?

Alienspaceship · 07/05/2018 12:19

If marriage is important to you then make it clear that there will be no babies before a wedding. If you have a baby first, you’re in a much more difficult position. Look st the numerous threads in mumsnet from women with 3 kids who were ‘promised marriage’ (although sometimes it was only implied or assumed) and are now devastated it still hasn’t happened....

ZenNudist · 07/05/2018 12:24

Don’t start trying for a baby until you are married. Full stop. Its the bigger commitment than marriage. Personally id give it a couple more years together before you have a baby. Marriage or not.

Dh and i had been together 9 years before we married, friends for 3 years before we got together. Have now been married 9 years and have dc together soon after we married. We have changed a lot in all that time and its not always been easy. In particular having young dc has put strain on our marriage. Fortunately we have a good bedrock of friendship and knowing each other well to carry us through. Theres no thought of divorce but we did consider counselling. I know stronger couples than us who are tested by having dc together. I dont think a year is long enough to lay that groundwork.

Do you live together?

Cambionome · 07/05/2018 12:25

Scott - it's not a question of trying to gain more money if the marriage breaks down, it's a question of a woman with children trying to protect herself from serious financial repercussions in the future.

If someone becomes a stay at home parent (and let's face it, it's still usually the woman) they can find themselves much further down the career ladder when they do go back to work and with a greatly reduced pension. The man, however, has been flying along with his career enabled by the sahm and in a much stronger financial position.

Being married ensures that the stay at home parent gets (usually) 50% of all assets to acknowledge all the work that they have put into the marriage. This is why posters on here are usually encouraged to get married before having children; it's got nothing to do with "morality", and everything to do with financial security.

userabcname · 07/05/2018 12:31

If he's not ready to marry you, he's not ready to have a baby with you. I made it very clear that I would not have children until I was married. Fwiw, we were together 5 years before marrying and had our son 8 months later (I was pregnant at the wedding!). I would back off for a bit and let your DP have some time after his divorce. Maybe re-visit these discussions in a year or so.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/05/2018 12:34

He might not seem to have any issues following his divorce, but truth be told, he's not had much of a chance. Rushing things doesn't guarantee a happy ending. Most divorcees on here at one point thought we'd be together forever too. Sorry to piss on your chips.

Ciderandskatesdontmix · 07/05/2018 12:47

Getting married before having children is only an issue if you are in a position to buy or own property or if one/Both of you have careers. My oh and I have both previously been married and we have a child together but we're not married. We rent and have minimal savings. Being married would make absolutely no difference to our situation if we were to split. I imagine this is the case for many people. Same situation as when I divorced exh, it was merely a form filling exercise as there were no marital assets to split.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 07/05/2018 12:49

We rent and have minimal savings. Being married would make absolutely no difference to our situation if we were to split.

I assume you both work either full or part time?

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 07/05/2018 12:49

As in, no one has sacrificed more of their career than the other?

Scott72 · 07/05/2018 12:51

But Cambione the man still has to have a reason to marry that will outweigh what he risks losing (from his perspective) should the marriage fail. The possibility of having children of his own seems to be the main one. So she should hold of on having children until she's married.

eggsandwich · 07/05/2018 12:54

Don’t try for a baby that’s an even bigger commitment than marriage, wait till your married first then try.

TwittleBee · 07/05/2018 12:57

Wow pretty shocked by how many people are saying not to have a baby out of wedlock.

OP, just have a proper conversation with your DP. Explain how you feel and let him know how you do have an expectation of marriage and hope that he feels the same? I wouldn't rush him or put pressure on him but certainly have a conversation to see where you both are on wanting to get married and what time scales you both have? Might not be totally on his radar to do it soon as he's already been married once but if he loves you and respects you then a conversation about it is reasonable.

Me and my DP had a baby together first and were gonna wait till our 2nd before getting married as we loved the idea of having both our kids at our wedding day. But it's taking a while to conceive number 2 so we are doing a last minute wedding at end of the month on our 2 year anniversary of when we first met. As you'll realise from that OP, you two aren't the only couple who also feel ready quickly. When you know, you know.

Just get a Will sorted if you were to have a baby before marriage. Best of luck xx

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