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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling torn

45 replies

Passmetheprosecco · 06/05/2018 20:35

Hi, I broke up with my husband 2 and a half years ago but we have stayed friendly ( there has been the odd row). Throughout our separation, he has been flirty and complimented me on how I look so I have suspected that he still has feelings.

I met somebody else and it hit him hard but he then had his fair share of dating and going out with his friends etc..

He met a woman through work who he had a few dates with but realised he wasn’t attracted to her and they are now friends. She is still besotted with him and calls/ texts him frequently but he keeps it friendly as he says he feels bad because at the beginning he was as enthusiastic as she was.
The problem is, in the last few weeks we have been spending a lot of time together and if I’m honest I have feelings for him again. He wants to try again but I feel she is in the background (they have established a friendship which has been going on for over a year). She had a bad marriage break up and my husband was there for her and her kids and I think she now sees him as her np.

I know he has flirted back with her on occasion as he had told me (he says it’s because he feels bad)but I pointed out that this will make her think he is interested all over again. I’m reluctant to get involved as I feel he now has loyalties to her and I don’t want to get involved in a situation where I’m paranoid.

We were together over 15 years and as pathetic as it sounds I feel a bit territorial towards him. I’ve backed off but feel sad that things won’t be the same as she is now in the picture. Even if he tells her we are getting back together ( which may or may not happen) they are in daily contact with work.

Any advice?

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 06/05/2018 20:40

I think you have to leave this woman entirely out of your considerations. Do you want him back? And not just because you feel jealous seeing him with someone else? If you both want it I'd give it house room. You have a lot of history together. But it has to be based on just you and him, no one else.

NotTheFordType · 06/05/2018 20:42

What made you split up?

What changes has he (and you) promised to make to restart the relationship?

Vitalogy · 06/05/2018 20:42

I think he needs to tell her the truth, that he's getting back together with his wife. Are you still married?

GrannyHaddock · 06/05/2018 20:47

This is messy, OP. Your relationship with your H is never going to feel exclusive. Trying to turn back the clock rarely succeeds; too much has happened in the meantime.

Gemini69 · 06/05/2018 20:54

I agree.. this sounds Messy OP... Flowers

Original poster
Passmetheprosecco · 06/05/2018 20:58

We split up because the last 2 years of our marriage were unhappy. He is quite hot headed and we were arguing constantly. He genuinely wants us to get back together but I’m not sure I could handle their friendship which seems horrible of me, but I’m not the most confident of people! He says he loves me and only wants to be with me but I’m not really sure what he’d be saying to her. She relies on him a lot to fix things etc and he has done these things for her and it’s not that I jealous at all more that I don’t want her interfering all the time!

OP posts:
Original poster
Passmetheprosecco · 06/05/2018 20:59

Yes we are still married.

OP posts:
Emma198 · 06/05/2018 21:02

So I'm guessing you're no longer with the bloke you met?

Original poster
Passmetheprosecco · 06/05/2018 21:04

No I’m not that ended before Christmas.

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 06/05/2018 21:07

I'm not sure why he would jeopardise in any way your reconciliation. What the heck, is he a man or a mouse. He needs to make things crystal clear to her. It's no good him pussy footing around.
I wouldn't have anything more to do with him if he were to stay friends with her but that's just me.

Original poster
Passmetheprosecco · 06/05/2018 21:11

I know vitaology, that’s how I feel but unfortunately there is a work connection that he genuinely has with her and it affects his salary as she oversees work given to him. I know that as a fact. It’s all very complicated, I think he feels if he backs away he is then jepodises his work. He has to keep her sweet. It really feels like a no go, but we were together for so many years and I feel like I want to try.

OP posts:
Emma198 · 06/05/2018 21:19

Do you trust him?

Original poster
Passmetheprosecco · 06/05/2018 21:24

Two years ago Emma I would’ve said yes, but in our time apart we have obviously seen other people. He was reluctant to at first and was constantly asking me back.

Over time he went back to the single life, slept with a few women but has never settled with anyone else. That’s my worry, I think as another poster said too much time has passed. When I say this to him he says it hasn’t and we have to forget the past and move on.

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 06/05/2018 21:26

I think he needs to be looking for another job.

Disquieted1 · 06/05/2018 21:29

Never go back. You always end up where you used to be.

GrannyHaddock · 06/05/2018 21:31

You will always feel uncomfortable as long as they are in regular contact at work. Many of us spend more time with colleagues than with our spouses. They are not even in an equal role.

Original poster
Passmetheprosecco · 06/05/2018 21:32

I’m frustrated with myself as I caused this whole situation really. If we had tried harder I would’ve stayed and then no other people would ever have been involved. It’s a hard lesson to learn but nothing I can do about it now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Passmetheprosecco · 06/05/2018 21:33

I know people say don’t ever have regrets but I think this will be a regret for me because deep down I think it’s a bad idea.

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 06/05/2018 21:35

Are the argument issues resolved though? All this is by the by if you get back together and argue all the time.

Original poster
Passmetheprosecco · 06/05/2018 21:39

Yes I’ve thought about that too. He is insistent on trying again and I’ve discussed the arguing etc. He is saying all the right thing like “ we would try harder not to be like we were” and “ just want a hassle free life” sounds appealing but I still have to take that chance.

I’m renting a house at the moment but I also worry about giving it up and it all going wrong. He has suggested dating for 6 months to see how it goes.

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 06/05/2018 21:39

Go with your gut feeling, if it doesn’t feel right getting back together - DON’T do it.

Think of yourself in this situation. Write a list of positives & negatives re getting back together.

Original poster
Passmetheprosecco · 06/05/2018 21:44

At this moment in time I really want to go back. I think some marriages do work after separation although I know the statistics are not great. I love him, I’m sure of that.
At the risk of sounding like a teenager, I fear I’ve fallen badly for him again and the thought of leaving it makes me upset. For the record I’m 41!

OP posts:
Emma198 · 07/05/2018 00:38

Sounds like you won't be happy until you've given it your best shot

Fuckwithnosensesauce · 07/05/2018 01:12

I think you need to look at this differently. You are not ‘going back’. Neither of you are the same person who split up two years ago. Would you be interested in being with him now if you’d not been married? Do you fancy him? If you do forget about her. He had a chance to b3 with her but he wasn’t interested, probably because he still had feelings for you. Think of it as starting again not going back.

Iflyaway · 07/05/2018 01:22

Never go back. You always end up where you used to be.

Thanks, Disquieted1 - it's just what I need to read right now. I'm saving it as my mantra Smile