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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling torn

45 replies

Passmetheprosecco · 06/05/2018 20:35

Hi, I broke up with my husband 2 and a half years ago but we have stayed friendly ( there has been the odd row). Throughout our separation, he has been flirty and complimented me on how I look so I have suspected that he still has feelings.

I met somebody else and it hit him hard but he then had his fair share of dating and going out with his friends etc..

He met a woman through work who he had a few dates with but realised he wasn’t attracted to her and they are now friends. She is still besotted with him and calls/ texts him frequently but he keeps it friendly as he says he feels bad because at the beginning he was as enthusiastic as she was.
The problem is, in the last few weeks we have been spending a lot of time together and if I’m honest I have feelings for him again. He wants to try again but I feel she is in the background (they have established a friendship which has been going on for over a year). She had a bad marriage break up and my husband was there for her and her kids and I think she now sees him as her np.

I know he has flirted back with her on occasion as he had told me (he says it’s because he feels bad)but I pointed out that this will make her think he is interested all over again. I’m reluctant to get involved as I feel he now has loyalties to her and I don’t want to get involved in a situation where I’m paranoid.

We were together over 15 years and as pathetic as it sounds I feel a bit territorial towards him. I’ve backed off but feel sad that things won’t be the same as she is now in the picture. Even if he tells her we are getting back together ( which may or may not happen) they are in daily contact with work.

Any advice?

OP posts:

TheMonkeyMummy · 07/05/2018 01:23

I'd go for it, if I was in your shoes. Keep it quiet but what have you got to lose?

Original poster

Passmetheprosecco · 07/05/2018 08:44

Thank you all. TheMonkeyMummy, I’m hesitant not just for myself but we have two children (teenagers). They have a great relationship with us both and I just don’t want them getting hurt all over again if it didn’t work out. I’m sort of in the mind where I think let things play out naturally. If I take a step back and carry on with my life, it might make him think that he needs to man up like the other poster said and just tell her.

OP posts:

Dadaist · 07/05/2018 10:27

Sounds like you both had grievances and stopped getting on - and maybe should have tried counselling before splitting? Because you clearly both still have feelings for one another if you could resolve conflicts better. That said - you split from him so it must have been serious. Perhaps you just feel a pang of jealousy but would feel differently if you had him to yourself?

Original poster

Passmetheprosecco · 07/05/2018 17:08

To be fair she doesn’t know he wants to try again so I suppose in that respect she isn’t doing anything wrong. Yes I do feel slightly jealous but also feel if I didn’t try I wouldn’t know. It’s just a big mess

OP posts:

Fuckwithnosensesauce · 07/05/2018 17:38

Is it a mess...or a wonderful opportunity?

RidingWindhorses · 07/05/2018 18:22

If I take a step back and carry on with my life, it might make him think that he needs to man up like the other poster said and just tell her

Or it could make him think you're not that bothered.

Original poster

Passmetheprosecco · 07/05/2018 19:49

Bit of an update.... spent the afternoon with him today and the kids. Over the course of the afternoon we discussed our situation. I asked if she had been in contact and he said she had messaged him last night to ask what his plans were for today. He then said I only reply in a basic way. Quite casually I said “ if I were to ask to see your phone and your replies what would you do?” He said “no, there’s nothing there you should worry about, I’m just being friendly” I left it at that but really now I’m thinking “ there’s my answer”.

OP posts:

Original poster

Passmetheprosecco · 07/05/2018 19:52

Part of me feels like messaging her (we see each other around as we live close by) but I know she’d only run back to him. She’s the only one who could give me the truth.

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 07/05/2018 19:58

so did he refuse the request to see his phone ? why is he continuing to entertain her ?

Original poster

Passmetheprosecco · 07/05/2018 20:07

Yes he did by saying there’s nothing to worry about. I’m a level headed person and feel he is trying to keep us both happy. She controls a lot of his work so I see he can’t fall out with her but surely he could politely say “ I appreciate the work but I’m not interested”.

OP posts:

Original poster

Passmetheprosecco · 07/05/2018 20:09

I feel gutted right now. Spending this weekend with him made me happy. It was like the old good times. I’m so bloody confused. We live in a small town where everyone knows everyone and I don’t want to be the one who is the last to know if anything is going on. I’d feel a fool

OP posts:

NewYear2019 · 07/05/2018 20:18

OP tbh it sounds like you're annoyed he's moved on. You said he kept coming back at the start of the separation, but now it sounds like he's moved on. I don't see anything to gain by getting back together if you had big enough problems to separate and have both been seeing other people.

It just comes across as if you want to keep control of him....sorry if I'm wrong.

Original poster

Passmetheprosecco · 07/05/2018 20:36

New year I can see why you might say that but I was in a relationship myself and have been going along quite nicely until he asked about a reconciliation. He had many dates, in fact one I drove him to so I knew he’d moved on then! It’s just this recent suggestion of his has got me thinking. Yes, we did split up because of problems I know that but people do overcome these things don’t they, if you try hard enough. I just feel unsure of his actions now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Passmetheprosecco · 07/05/2018 20:37

Also I don’t agree with my wanting to keep control of him, he was the one asking to try again.

OP posts:

Fuckwithnosensesauce · 07/05/2018 21:31

I think you are using the other woman as a way to avoid making a decision. Why are you so bothered about her? If he wanted her he'd be with her.

Barbaro · 07/05/2018 21:49

Based on him saying he wouldn't let you see his phone, there's more to his relationship with her than he's telling you. He probably does want you back, but he isn't letting her go either until he knows for sure he has you. How much he does with her is impossible to tell, maybe it's flirting only, maybe it's more.

I'd tell him that it's a no to getting back together unless he cuts contact with her fully, including getting another job. If he says no or has excuses, you have your answer really. If he really wanted to make things work, he would do anything. Anyone would.

Chippyway · 08/05/2018 00:39

So it was okay for you to date other people, but because he’s done the same you wouldn’t trust him if you got back together?

What did you expect him to do, sit in night after night pining over you??

Sorry OP, he was single and has done nothing wrong. If you want to get back with him then do so, but Make sure it’s because you want a relationship with him not because you don’t want anybody else to have him.

Chippyway · 08/05/2018 00:41

Oh and If you’re gunna get back together on the condition he shows you his phone then you shouldn’t be getting back together! You obviously don’t trust him despite him doing nothing wrong - hardly a great start to rebuilding your relationship is it?

Vitalogy · 08/05/2018 06:05

TeisanLap · 08/05/2018 06:19

Op, don’t move bank in together just yet. Date for a while, even a year, and both of you have some counselling.

Good luck.

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