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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm an alcoholic and scared he'll leave me

49 replies

Beebopdeebop01 · 06/05/2018 20:31

I've name changed for this as am so ashamed of myself. My DP caught me drinking yesterday afternoon... AGAIN!! I hadn't had any more than usual but if affected me a lot more and he knew straightaway. I had gone to bed and was pretending to sleep but he came upstairs to have a chat and asked if I'd been drinking.

Before when he has caught me he has been angry but this time he hasn't spoken to me about it. I'm not sure if I should say to him. This must be a nightmare for him but I can't stop. I tell myself every day in the middle of the night that this will be the end of my drinking but then I do it again. I managed to give up for the month of December but had a bad day, took a couple of beers and the cycle has continued again. Has anybody any experience of how I get this under control? I love him and don't want to lose him. He deserves better than this.

OP posts:
rumred · 06/05/2018 20:41

It's difficult managing alcohol and you're clearly struggling. For some people AA works. Some books can be useful too. And counselling
It depends on what suits you. The alcohol experiment is a good website, have a look at it.
Hope you manage to get on top of it. It's tough

Midthreademergencynamechange · 06/05/2018 20:44

AA or an alternative alcohol addiction service prescribed by your GP.

If your drinking is so bad you are worried that your dp is going to leave you then you are only a couple of days away from rock bottom.

Squeegle · 06/05/2018 20:45

You can stop. You can definitely stop. Please talk to AA. My partner was like you. He has stopped drinking now. I promise it can be done- and you need support to help you.

hoopieghirl · 06/05/2018 20:47

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am alcoholic 4yearz sober in July. I won't lie getting sober is tough, and you have got to really want to do it. But there is help out there please take it x

Original poster
Beebopdeebop01 · 06/05/2018 20:52

Thank you everyone. I tried AA last year but felt like a failure as I was still drinking. I also found that my social anxiety going to meetings skyrocketed. They say you don't have to share in meetings but I found that even having to say my name and explain I was just there to listen was too much for me. The whole meeting was spent thinking that they would be coming to me soon. I know it sounds pathetic. I even found the break hard to deal with as kind and lovely as everyone was, I didnt want to chat.

My drinking has been out of control for a few years. The mo the I stopped was wonderful and I just wish I could get my brain to remember that and stop tempting me with alcohol. I'm going to lose the best person I've ever met and it will be all my fault. I don't feel strong enough to say enough is enough.

OP posts:
aglassofroseplease · 06/05/2018 20:54

I lived with an alcoholic. I know how hard it is to give up and I know how hard it is to live with one. Why don't you look up the brave babes thread on here under relationships. They seem a really supportive, accepting and helpful group of people. Wishing you good luck

EyepatchOfTravis · 06/05/2018 20:54

What support are you getting for your alcohol addiction?

Help is out there - you can talk to your GP or get yourself to an AA meeting. You know you have to do something decisive - things cannot continue the way they are going.

mercurymaze · 06/05/2018 20:57

Try reading the unexpected joy of being sober it's very insightful

MyNameisBW · 06/05/2018 20:58

Beebop Ring AA national help line now and they will help you.
0800 9177 650 until 10pm

You have already made the first step. You have admitted to yourself and to another person (us ) that you are an alcoholic.

Please get help, it will only get worse and you will lose everything!

Original poster
Beebopdeebop01 · 06/05/2018 20:59

@aglassofroseplease thanks for commenting. It must be awful to live with an alcoholic and I know this first hand. My DP never knows if he is coming home to a sober me or a drunken mess. Also, probably about 8 times out of 10 I am ok on the drink but then I can just become this horrible person that is so far removed from my true self (if I even know who that is anymore). I wish there was a magic pill that just made me stop before I ruin everything. I don't feel strong enough and the anxiety/dread I feel is dreadful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beebopdeebop01 · 06/05/2018 21:01

Thanks everyone. I have been to my GP and went to counselling for a short time. However, I told my counsellor in December that I had stopped and she signed me off. I would be so embarrassed to have to go back to her as she wrote me a lovely letter about how she was pleased about me starting my new alcohol free life.

OP posts:
MyNameisBW · 06/05/2018 21:02

Ah! You've been to AA once already but nothing to stop you ringing this number if you want to speak to someone tonight.

Go back to AA again or go to your Doctors for other help.

GladysKnight · 06/05/2018 21:03

If you suffer from such bad social anxiety I am guessing you are using alcohol to 'medicate' that. So clearly you need help and support to find a better way of dealing with the anxiety? Best wishes to you - I hope you find the right help, keep fighting for it, there will be a way, because you are determined there will be.

MyNameisBW · 06/05/2018 21:05

Stop this embarrassment!
Everyone doesn't get it the first time.
It's an insidious desease!
Go back to all again.
AA , Doctor, councillor. Tell them you're struggling.
No-one will judge!

DragonsAndCakes · 06/05/2018 21:11

I second the book recommendation ‘the unexpected joy of being sober’.

Would it help if you could manage to tell your DP exactly where you’re at? Then you don’t have the secrecy to deal with as well. Do you have any other family who can help in any way?

aglassofroseplease · 06/05/2018 21:26

@Beebopdeebop01 your welcome.
Don't beat yourself up or be embarrassed. People will help if you ask for it. Talk to your DH he's probably waiting for you to open up to him and he will want to help you. It's what love is - acceptance of you
It's hard and people don't get it right 1st time. Be kind to yourself seek the help you deserve

Featherbag · 06/05/2018 21:56

How much exactly are you drinking OP? I ask as it took working out how many units I was actually drinking each week, and imagining killing myself by destroying my liver and how it would affect my kids to get me to finally stop. I see every day I decide not to have a drink as a victory.

Original poster
Beebopdeebop01 · 06/05/2018 22:05

I try to 'restrict' it to 200ml of vodka a day as this is normally my safe limit for not going mental. I know it sounds crazy to measure it out but I'm trying to keep some sort of control. The main problem is that often I will sneak a couple of shots on top of that. Always with a mixer and that's how I justify it.Confused DP doesn't know I have to drink everyday so I am being really deceitful. I'm scared of telling him the truth as this means I will have to stop cold turkey and I'm not sure I can do that.

OP posts:
Featherbag · 06/05/2018 23:53

Conservatively estimating, that's 70 units a week. You're looking at pancreatitis, fatty liver, cirrhosis. Please research these conditions, make yourself aware of the eventual consequences of your drinking, I hope that helps you as it has me x

DileenODoubts · 07/05/2018 00:09

I’ve been there and I mean this In the nicest possible way OP but you’re using your ‘embarrassment’ as an excuse to keep drinking. Addiction will always find a reason not to ask for help now, not to stop now, to do it later or tomorrow and when later comes it has another excuse handy.
Would you rather be embarrassed with your gp or lose your husband?

hoopieghirl · 07/05/2018 00:11

There are online support groups if you prefer Women for Sobriety is one. A book I found helpful was Sober for Good. You need to change your lifestyle but I can be done x

FurryDogMother · 07/05/2018 00:21

Check out Kevin O'Hara (Alcohol Mastery) on YouTube. Very down to earth, loads of videos to watch, and a different approach from AA. You can do it.

Maggiepryor · 07/05/2018 06:03

Try living sober website also op, very helpful. And keep posting here. You can beat this, it often takes a few attempts most people don’t beat it on the first try. Fantastic you recognise you have a problem, that is the first step. Also you went af for that month, fantastic . Think of recovery as a muscle you have to keep exercising to make it strong. There is medication you can take for the cravings and to prevent you drinking (Antabuse), could you ask your gp about it?

Loloseagreen · 07/05/2018 06:31

Online support groups like soberistas or cluc soda are very good. There is lots of help out there. AA isn't for everyone but you'll find something that works for you. Jason Vale ans Allen Carr both have good books.

iMatter · 07/05/2018 06:46

Oh Beebop. This is so hard for you.

I think you have to accept you aren't capable of having a healthy relationship with alcohol.

It's like trying to have a healthy relationship with an abusive partner. It's just not going to happen.

Setting limits doesn't work for you.

It's got to stop or you will 100% lose your DP (and a whole lot more besides).

Check out all these recommendations and find what works for you.

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