I'm an alcoholic and scared he'll leave me

[Beebopdeebop01]

I've name changed for this as am so ashamed of myself. My DP caught me drinking yesterday afternoon... AGAIN!! I hadn't had any more than usual but if affected me a lot more and he knew straightaway. I had gone to bed and was pretending to sleep but he came upstairs to have a chat and asked if I'd been drinking.

Before when he has caught me he has been angry but this time he hasn't spoken to me about it. I'm not sure if I should say to him. This must be a nightmare for him but I can't stop. I tell myself every day in the middle of the night that this will be the end of my drinking but then I do it again. I managed to give up for the month of December but had a bad day, took a couple of beers and the cycle has continued again. Has anybody any experience of how I get this under control? I love him and don't want to lose him. He deserves better than this.

You definitely have to stop completely for a few years as you have no control over yourself. It's either alcohol or your relationship - what is more important?

You need to stop completely.

You won't be able to do it on your own.

Go back to your GP and be completely honest with them.

This will be hard, you will probably try and fail several times but keep trying.

And if you can get to the root cause of it all that will really help.

Have you tried harm reduction methods for alcohol misuse? My husband has learned to control / reduce his alcohol dependency this way.

I understand AA can be full on for some people, while others swear by it. Think a lot of it depends on the personalities in the groups near you.

hams.cc/hr/

www.smartrecovery.org.uk

In my above post, there are two separate links one for HAMS and the other SMART Recovery UK

@RedSquirrelMoonlight I've tried harm reduction but unfortunately, I realise that it doesn't work for me. I might be able to keep it up over a few days but slowly it creeps back up again. I more or less always drink more than I intend to.

I agree with people saying that for me the only way is to stop completely. I hate that at this time of day this seems like the only logical choice but that later on, that little voice in my head will urge me to head for the vodka.

Ps thanks so much for the links. Will check those out now.

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea I would like to find out the root cause and understand why I have ended up an alcoholic. My brother and sister both have drink issues so I don't know if there's something in that. My brother was a daily drinker for around 15 years but has now managed to stop. My sister was almost at the same level I am now but has managed to get it under control.

I think that I don't want to/can't deal with real life if that makes sense. When things happen to me, rather than face them head on I hide away behind the bottle. I have had a couple of deaths in the past and I am absolutely certain I haven't grieved them properly. It's like I've put my feelings away in little boxes in my head with a 'do not open' sticker on them and use the vodka to forget they exist.

You need to realise you can't do this on your own. It's controlling you. Could you go into a rehab facility?

Morning Beebop Your honesty to us is a good sign. There is no shame to not being able to tolerate alcohol. As there's no shame in not tolerating gluten. Alcohol for you is a poison but more than this it's a mind altering drug which tricks you into craving it. So you crave the poison, which will destroy your body and mind and finally take everything from you.
The "fear" you feel is universal to all alcoholics.
Funnily enough, when you stop drinking it goes or massively lessens.
200 ml is a lot for your body to handle, a pub measure is 15ml so it's about
13 pub measure or nearly 100 per week.
You say that you're embarrassed, you should be feeling scared because if you don't stop, believe me it will 'take you down'.
Go to your Doctors and stop!
When the scales fall from your eyes, there's a whole happy, contented life ahead for you.

Beebop, can you, just for a moment pretend that this person hiding in a bottle is a really good old friend? What would you say to her? Would you tell her that she really matters to you? Or that she could start by forgiving herself? Would you want to listen to her, hear her story?

Alcohol can be complicated. Are you able to stop drinking safely or do you need medical assistance?

Alcohol is a wonderful buffer to the world but just one with terrible consequences.

Can you cast your mind back to a time without alcohol? I think you've mentioned that you have managed in the past. Well done!

Do you find yourself scratching the walls if you don't have a drink?

I had an eating disorder and I remember thinking, all this energy I am using to destroy myself.

I feel I could be you (even feeling a failure at aa) my partner works away and he comes home this afternoon he knows I've been drinking but knows I'm at risk of withdrawing . Have you tried the Facebook group club sober? I'm struggling to go out out and it has helped x

I stopped drinking 43 days ago and it’s not been easy but the support I have got has been so so helpful. Am also recommending Club soda on Facebook.

Don’t be embarrassed xx

Please read Justin Vale.
It’s not a reflection on you as a somehow “inferior” person that caused this problem. Alcohol is a powerful drug that has 80% of the population addicted. By admitted you have a problem and wanting to change you really are ahead of the game.
This book really pulled the wool from my eyes about alcohol. It’s shocking. I haven’t drink since reading it.
Physical dependence (and you will probably have an element of this) will pass within 3-10 days but this book really helps with the psychological addiction. There really are no genuinely good reasons to drink.
This book allowed me to stop without it feeling like any kind of deprivation.
I really wish you all the best.

You're drinking at hazardous levels. You need to address this now - if you are self-medicating for anxiety then you need to get help with the anxiety. This may involve counselling, medication or a combination. But you can't drink with the meds, as the alcohol undoes the effects of them.

Please do get help and get sober because you are at risk of losing your partner. I've been your partner and my STBXH was the one with the drink problem. After 6.5 years of sticking by him, I was drained, exhausted, stressed - and I made the choice of going it alone. I don't regret it. He very much does. Don't end up like him.

I think that you are making excuses by telling us that you use alcohol in a bid to escape your problems. Bad things do not happen to you every single day, so you have no reason to go for the vodka on a daily basis.

You need to face the fact that you are an addict. You will poison your body and every relationship you have. Stop saying that you can't return to your counsellor because she wrote you such a nice letter. Start dealing with what you have become. You keep telling yourself that you cannot give up, so guess what - yes, it is correct, you can't stop.

I am 8 years 5 months sober. AA was not for me.

Talk to your DP. Be absolutely honest. Tell him you know he knows, and that you want to stop. Let him support you instead of shutting him out. Shutting him out is damaging the relationship as much as the alcohol.

Go to your GP as soon as you can, ring for an emergency appointment. This cannot wait. Be honest with your GP.

There are medications for diagnosed Anxiety. Drinking regularly can make generalised anxiety much, much worse. Your brain, nervous system and adrenalin levels are totally scrambled by alcohol, driving your body into a cycle of 'flight or fight'.

I was a functional alcoholic, I had a very responsible job, ran a second business. There is no one 'type' of alcoholic.

I don't believe in controlled drinking. I can never, ever have a drink. Because one is never enough. 10, 15, 20 are never enough. You are 'doing deals' with yourself, breaking them and then thinking 'fuck it. I may as well have the rest now because I've blown it. I'll try again tomorrow' thus ending up in a cycle of guilt and self loathing which actually means you're drinking more than ever. This a common across all addictions from alcohol to gambling.

I haven't relapsed. Yet. I hope I never do, but it's always a possibility. I needed to get sober to get to the bottom of my drinking through counselling. Once you get to the 'why', a lot of things click into place.

There are lots of good resources already mentioned in this thread and the addiction support boards on Mumsnet are really supportive.

You can do this.

OP your post mentioning me made perfect sense. It was very like the alcoholic in my family. A young, intelligent, lovely, talented woman who drank to avoid facing tough situations and difficult feelings about herself.

She got through it, at the fourth or fifth attempt and is now almost 100% reliably sober. More importantly, she faced her demons and is (mostly) free of them.

She had intensive counselling and attended AA 5/6 times a week at one point. As I said it took her several attempts, but she did it.

Good luck x

The only thing that worked for me was aa and I identify with lots of what you are saying. I know what you mean about waiting for them to get to you. I would suggest try a ladies meeting and or ask the chair person before the meeting starts not to ask you as you are too anxious. That way you get to try a meeting and see if it is for you. That thing you describe- that it makes sense now no way am I drinking tonight but by tonight I will anyway. That was me 2.5 years ago but now I’ve been sober over 2 years. A lot of people still drink when they start aa. Some take years so don’t feel bad about that- you only need a desire to stop drinking. PM me any time if I can help, I have been where you are and it’s horrible and feels hopeless but there is hope!

Thanks to this thread I've spent the last few hours listening to Catherine Gray's audiobook the unexpected journey of being sober and it's brilliant! Talks about the good points of being sober and isn't at all preachy.

Thank you everyone. I really need to dig
myself out of this hole. It is a nightmare. i think my dp thinks I enjoy drinking and I've tried to explain that it is now merely a compulsion. Understandably, he doesn't understand why I can't just stop. I hate myself afterwards.

OP, I think you have done an amazing thing by coming on this thread and saying what you have.

Seven years ago my husband died as a result of alcoholism. I’m sorry if that sounds like an extreme example, but it is the facts of the matter. He never took steps to quit and never acknowledged to me that he had a problem.

I agreed with other poster who said that you need to talk to your DP completely honestly. However, be aware that it isn’t just the alcoholic who has to accept there is a problem - it’s their loved ones too. I only accepted my husband was alcoholic 18 months before he died. I made excuses for years before then, terrified of the consequences of admitting the truth to myself. Your DP may be in the same ‘denial boat’ so you’ll need to be very clear with him.

You’ve taken that important first step - well done. There is no shame or embarrassment, just as there wouldn’t be with other illnesses. Just take pride inseeking help.

Get the AA Big Book and get yourself back to a meeting. AA saved my life. It took me 6 months of meetings to 'get it' - but I eventually did. The four years since have been the happiest, most comfortable, and most normal years of my life. It won't happen overnight but it does work. So much of what you say is so familiar to me - the people in those rooms will understand you better than you understand yourself at times. You can do it, but probably not on your own!

@Beebopdeebop01. I know what you mean my DH hated himself because he couldn't stop - it's a compulsion like binge eating or any other addiction.

With support you will be on the road to recovery. You've taken a big step by coming on here and talking to us so honestly

@Ladylouanne I've been there too. My DH died of a cancer related to heavy alcohol consumption. I told myself he was a heavy drinker, liked a drink, liked pub life etc Never the A word. I never spoke about it to anyone - it took me about 18 months after he died to talk about and not feel embarrassed or responsible for his drinking

Hi, I’m Marie and I’m an alcoholic. So is my Dad, brother and several cousins. I’ve been sober for 2.5 years and I was where you are. You need to find a different AA meeting. There are women only ones, day, evening, non religious, ones that focus on the steps. Just go and sit right at the back, they all operate differently. In mine you can be totally silent, there is no expectation to do or say anything.

At the same time as giving up drinking I went to my GP and went on antidepressants for anxiety and she also gave me a short course of diazepam, which took the edge off the white knuckle moments. I’d tell myself “just for today, I won’t drink. I might have one tomorrow but today, I’m just having a sober day.” Initially I’d just get to midnight as I knew I was unlikely to start drinking so late, and I also threw out all all all alcohol. I don’t allow it in the house in any form, not even cough mixture.

The only way to get sober is to not pick up a drink today.

That’s it. It sounds too simple to be true, but honestly that’s what it boils down to. Prioritise sobriety above EVERYTHING else. Everything. Then things start to drop into place. X x