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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Confused who is in the total wrong

31 replies

rocky13 · 06/05/2018 19:36

Hello I'm from Canada
My husband has a daughter who is now 18
I've know her since she was 11 years old she was sweet and kind then
After her mother left her at 14 she has been mean to me since
Now that she is 18 she calls me stupid dumb and a bitch the biggest one is a cunt
Today i had enough she called me it 3 times i got mad and grabbed her book to get her to listen and asked her what did you call me then she slapped me across the face and i don't know what happened next i lost it
I yelled at her and tried to smack her back then i had a chair in my face i pushed back now in self defence mode i broke the plastic chair and hit her with it and she hit me again i grabbed the back of her neck and hair and said grow up i think u should pack up and get out then she hit and pulled my hair i left and went in the house
My husband said i assuted her first
Is he right or wrong here?

OP posts:

GertrudeCB · 06/05/2018 19:39

Fucking hell, your both in the wrong !!

Smeddum · 06/05/2018 19:39

You both sound pretty horrendous OP.
No, she shouldn’t have called you a cunt (or any other name) but it sounds like it got totally out of control. You hit her with bits of a broken chair?

Honestly? If I was your husband I’d have called the police on both of you.

Ginger1982 · 06/05/2018 19:42

You initiated the aggression by grabbing her book. She then reacted badly and you clearly lost it. You're both at fault.

mimibunz · 06/05/2018 19:45

As an adult, you are wrong to lose your rag, BUT if it was me I would apologise and then tell both DH and SD that she is not welcome in your home until she apologises and can demonstrate some respect.

Original poster

rocky13 · 06/05/2018 19:48

I broke the chair holding it so she couldn't hit me with it and she was pushing so i pushed back and the leg of the chair hit her
So ur step adult kid who does nothing nor pays for nothing can you u every name in the book and i take a touch a book and then i get it slapped I'm suppose to do what exactly stand there and take it

OP posts:

GeordieGirl233 · 06/05/2018 19:49

It sounds like she's been pushing you for years and today you understandably snapped and I don't fucking blame you! Why has your husband allowed his daughter to call you these names?!

DamsonOnThisDress · 06/05/2018 19:50

Sorry OP both completely in the wrong. That sounds terrible. I think you need to get help - or distance - for this situation.

laloup1 · 06/05/2018 19:50

OP what a mess. From your description of how you were provoked, to me your response was massively out of proportion. Neither of you can hold yourself up high here, but least of all you.

Smeddum · 06/05/2018 19:51

So ur step adult kid who does nothing nor pays for nothing can you u every name in the book and i take a touch a book and then i get it slapped I'm suppose to do what exactly stand there and take it

Why did you ask if you didn’t want to hear the answers? None of what she’s done is acceptable, and nobody has said it is. But you were out of order.

Quartz2208 · 06/05/2018 19:52

You are both at fault - the breakdown in relationship has clearly been happening for awhile

Original poster

rocky13 · 06/05/2018 19:54

Yes she has and she is so f22ken lazy too
She won't even buy a loaf of bread or milk or anything "its not her problem its ours"

We were going on trip for 8 days and she and her bf stayed at the house we came home to no food in the fridge and its our ploblem they don't have to buy anything
This is what started the fight today

OP posts:

Mumontherocks1 · 06/05/2018 19:54

You were severely pushed and I assume you are under a lot of pressure. Now that you recognise it's out of control it is time for you both to seek professional help. You are not alone.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/05/2018 19:55

Blimey. What's going to happen now? Are you both still in the house?

TooTrueToBeGood · 06/05/2018 19:55

You're not showing yourself in a glowing light with statements like that. Defending yourself or putting her in her place for doing nothing, paying for nothing etc? Which is it?

Bombardier25966 · 06/05/2018 19:59

You were severely pushed

Was she? The SD calls her names but it's clear the OP gives as good as she gets, verbally and even more so physically.

OP, is your SD still in education? If not, is her father happy to support her?

Ginger1982 · 06/05/2018 20:01

You didn't touch her book, you grabbed it. But you clearly don't want to hear that given the tone of your update.

PetulantPolecat · 06/05/2018 20:02

She assaulted you first but I’m not sure what difference that makes to how badly you reacted to it.

Thebluedog · 06/05/2018 20:03

You are both adults so both to blame, but it does sound like she’s been winding you up for years. I’d simply go NC with her now and put it down to a bad job

ButtermilkBiscuits · 06/05/2018 20:08

Do people actually do this kind of stuff?

Shiftymake · 06/05/2018 20:13

Nice mess this . From the looks of it you confronted her and she attacked you. I do think taking a book off someone who is conducting a form of EA which name calling is, is not overstepping the line when enough is enough and the person is showing passive aggressive behavior by ignoring you between the name calling (assuming). Her slapping you escalated the matter with you loosing your temper, after a prolonged period of time (4 years). The blame: Her father. He is the parent and should have made it clear to her from day 1 that behavior like that is unacceptable and followed through. Allowing his daughter to abuse you like this is not on, and you loosing your temper after 4 years of this is no wonder. It's not OK for any of you and has put you all in this position of turmoil where blame can be pointed in many directions. But the main blame is himself. He is the parent, and you both set the rules that she is to live by while under your roof. And one of those rules should be to show each other respect.

Avasarala · 06/05/2018 20:20

People don’t just get like that. Sounds like you and your husband have allowed or enabled that behaviour her whole life. You’ve made a rod for your own back.

Did you get her counselling when her mum left? Have you all tried family therapy? What punishments did you use as she was growing up when this type of behaviour occurred? What has your husband been doing? When did you start giving her chores, sending her to the shops, giving her lists of things to do etc?

I’m sorry OP, but it sounds like there has been very little proper parenting going on, and now you’re just beating each other.

NotTheFordType · 06/05/2018 20:25

Is this a reverse? Because your writing style is extremely juvenile.

Both of you were wrong here, but you (presuming it's not a reverse) are an adult and that requires you to de-escalate the situation calmly and with the understanding that a teenager who has been abandoned by her mother is going to have a lot of issues with angry outbursts.

Grabbing her by the neck and hair and saying "I fink you need to get va fuck ahhht" all Eastenders style is REALLY not good parenting.

Original poster

rocky13 · 06/05/2018 20:48

Ok let me redo this
My husband and i have been together for 8 years legally married for two his daughter was 11 when I met her and when her mother was 14 she just up and moved to another province she was very abusive at first very pissed off that her mother had left we managed to get through all that and then she moved to BC and lived with her mother for a year-and-a-half and I thought when she moved back home she would be better according to her boyfriend she is very abusive to him as well this kid needs serious counseling my husband and I have talked to her about getting it and she has refused to get it as well as her boyfriend has talked to her about getting counseling
It's always been her way or the highway she doesn't know how to control yourself and she's never been punished never been grounded her mother used to buy her things when she was bad my husband did try to punish her but then she would go back to her mom's and get away with whatever she wanted her mom is now realize she has made the mistake which is too late because in the time that you moved back to her mom's all she did was fight with her mom this child which is 18 is got a lot of growing up to do taking her verbal abuse for many years now it'd be a boat for 5 years I guess I finally just had enough considering the fact that she expects everything handed to her it doesn't work like that anymore she needs to grow up and act like an adult yeah me losing my temper was probably wrong but I can't do it anymore and my husband is always sided with his daughter cuz she's his number one except for times when he knew I was right and she was wrong not sure why I stayed in this relationship as long as I did I guess I love him I don't know

OP posts:

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 06/05/2018 21:13

It doesn't matter very much, either way. This situation is not sustainable. For the time being you can't live under the same roof. Either she moves out or your husband takes her with him. Clearly this can't go on.

What do you want now OP?

DamsonOnThisDress · 06/05/2018 21:19

If you know she needs counselling why are fighting with her over a loaf of bread or being lazy.

I understand you've probably put up with a lot from her but tbh it sounds like you don't like her very much.

I think maybe she's needed help for a very long time and not one adult in her life has helped. Buying, punishing, name calling, derision.

Sounds like your husband isn't much use to her either but if I were you I'd leave it to him and create some distance. You and her are obviously going to clash.

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