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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tell him again or wait for the penny to drop?

31 replies

takemeimalive · 06/05/2018 17:52

Posted before - I’ve fallen out of love with my dh after 20 + years. Two dc early teens, no drama I just can’t face it anymore. We have drifted apart.
Had counselling together four months this year. Nothing changed. I was open about wanting to separate (I plan to wait a year due to dc exams) as the counselling only seemed to consolidate my view. We took a break from the counselling at the counsellor’s suggestion. Now dh wants to go back, I’m not sure of the value but I will go. I don’t know whether to continue with being honest and open about how I feel or be quiet and let him realise for himself we are not good for each other anymore? Maybe he just needs more time. It seems cruel to keep saying I feel it’s over when it doesn’t seem to compute, he is in denial. Any advice please?

OP posts:
Disquieted1 · 06/05/2018 19:14

Of course he is confused.
You posted two months ago that you wanted to separate in a year's time as you were sticking with him till exams were completed. But dc2 will have exams after that; dc1 will have A levels and uni after; dc2 will have further exams....
In the meantime you have been having counselling for what DH probably thinks is a bona fide attempt to save your relationship.
So far, it is all talk about things that in dh's mind may or may not happen at some unknown time in the future.
Assuming you're serious about leaving, take some form of action. How would you feel if DH said that he was going to leave you a year from now but didn't follow it up? Would you be 100% convinced he was serious?
It's a tad harsh blaming him for being in denial.

Original poster
takemeimalive · 06/05/2018 19:28

Thanks Disquieted you have made me think.

At no point had I mentioned my timeline of a year to my dh because I didn’t want him to think he had a year to fix things. Having read your thoughts perhaps I should tell him. The timescale is nonnegotiable. I’m not sure what action would be expected in these circumstances. I have left the marital bedroom and I have told him how I feel. I am sorry you think I’m being harsh I am trying to be the exact opposite.

OP posts:
YearOfYouRemember · 06/05/2018 19:30

You are doing your kids no favours living like this and it's quite cruel.

Original poster
takemeimalive · 06/05/2018 20:14

Cruel? How so, Year?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 06/05/2018 20:19

If they have exams looming in May/June tell them after that it's unfair on everyone to essentially lie for 12 months when you have decided it's over.

BifsWif · 06/05/2018 20:20

I agree that it’s cruel.

If you have made your decision, it needs to be over now. Not in a month or a year, now. How can you expect him to start healing and move on when he’s living in limbo?

Ragwort · 06/05/2018 20:24

I disagree, so long as you are fairly 'amicable' together I think it is far better to wait until after the childrens' exams - I see many teenagers who's lives are completely disrupted by parents separating during exam periods. Those children will never get the time back to do their exams (at the same time as their peers). Obviously have a frank discussion with your DH - and maybe do some joint counselling to discuss the actual reality of separating.

Ginkypig · 06/05/2018 20:28

I'm not you so I can only talk for myself in that situation.

Either you want to be with him or you don't. Or you don't but feel if you both worked on it thing might change.

If you don't then waiting a year isn't fair on you, him or the kids. As much as you pretend you can't really hide or fake a happy relationship.

I can't tell you wether to end things but I will say if your sure living like that for another year won't help any of you!

BettyBaggins · 06/05/2018 20:32

So what are you planning to do in the meantime? Live together until next summer? In different rooms?

Have you considered what we might say to a woman who had come on here in your husbands situation?

A woman asking for help because her husband has told her they will separate in a year and she must sleep in the spare room til then. No choice. Thats whats happening. I think her husband sounds pretty cruel doing that, it feels a bit emotionally abusive.

I would now wait til summer holidays and then separate. Dragging it out for a year sounds quite awful. But i would not end it immediately til the imminent exams have passed.

Have you met someone else op?

Buckingfrolicks · 06/05/2018 20:33

I left my DP 2 weeks ago (mostly because we disagree about our adult DC who still live at home plus he's been emotionally absent for years).

I thought our DC would be ok about it. They are not. It's easy relatively speaking for the leaver. The one staying at home has all their feelings plus the DCs feelings to deal with.

No way would I have left during exam time. Wait.

Original poster
takemeimalive · 06/05/2018 20:55

My motivation is trying to do the right thing, by my dh and more so my dc.
I have been totally honest with my dh and told him outright I think we should separate. He does not accept this. We will continue with the counselling and I hope this will get us to the same page.

I hoped in the year we will be able to agree and plan the changes to minimise the impact on the dc.
Perhaps I am deluded. I am trying to minimise the impact of this sad situation on everyone. Thanks for all the comments.

OP posts:
Isetan · 06/05/2018 21:18

You don’t ‘think we should separate’, ‘you want to separate’, there is a difference. Waiting for the ’penny to drop’ —wanting him to come to the same conclusion as you but without being explicit about it— is disingenuous.

I get it, I really do, you’re deliberately keeping it opaque because you want to stay in control of the timeline. You can totally continue you to do this but the price to pay for that is stringing your H along and dodging his attempts to fix a relationship you want out of.

Isetan · 06/05/2018 21:32

Try being honest with yourself, is stringing your H along really ‘doing the ‘right thing’ by him’? Lying to him is not the best path to amicable and If saying ‘I want to separate—divorce— but I want to wait until after their exams’ is so hard, then you will have to accept that your motivation isn’t ‘doing the right thing by him’ but doing the right thing by you and your want to protect your children.

Part of your conflict is your attempt at prioritising two conflicting goals.

Original poster
takemeimalive · 07/05/2018 07:10

Thank you Isetan. You make some good points, particularly about the conflicting goals. I just hoped my dh would see for himself that things are bad enough that ending our marriage is the only option now. I now accept he may not (ever) and I need to process what that means for my decision making on the best way forward. Thank you all.

OP posts:
Dermymc · 07/05/2018 07:16

If you want to separate then you need to make this explicit. Otherwise your poor dh is going to feel he has been strung along.

There is never a good time to go. Someone always has exams, wedding, baby, sports fixtures, holidays. If you want to separate just do it.

You do sound a bit cruel by giving him hope and saying things like "I think...." Where does his life and freedom come into this? Or are you the master playing your dh as a puppet?

Dermymc · 07/05/2018 07:17

I just hoped my dh would see for himself that things are bad enough that ending our marriage is the only option now.

In your opinion. To him the marriage is clearly still viable.

YearOfYouRemember · 07/05/2018 07:40

I think it's cruel as your dh obviously doesn't want to split and he's living on a knife edge. It's also cruel as your kids will think this is a normal relationship and accept worse than great when older.

Original poster
takemeimalive · 07/05/2018 08:13

It seems trying to be gentle with dh is not the way to go and I’m only being cruel. The irony. My intentions are good but clearly I’m a novice and I’ve got it wrong. Thanks again all those with wisdom and experience I lack. I asked for your views and I hear you.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 07/05/2018 08:15

I'm surprised by the comments here. I would not want to split the family up during those crucial last few years of school and think that it is entirely fair to agree to separate as soon as the youngest has left school. No need to tell the SC, though they will probably be aware.

Neither parent should want to rock the boat like that, why wouldn't you both just live like flatmates until the Dc have left school.

Doidontimmm · 07/05/2018 08:23

I tried it that way. It was hell.....you need to be totally upfront. My exh still won’t accept it 2 years later even though he is living with someone else. You need to be firm & clear. Living together became a living hell for me & him too.

BIWI · 07/05/2018 08:30

I don't think you can ever make a break up happen in a way that the other party feels they have been treated 'well' or 'nicely'.

You want out but he doesn't.

You want out without impacting on your children, but that's impossible.

You are being cruel to your husband by stringing the process out.

I also get the feeling that you're trying to come out of this being 'the nice guy' - which you can't do. You have to accept that if you're the one that wants to break up, then you're the one who will cause the hurt and potential damage.

To minimise the damage, I'd look to do it after your children finish school this summer, so that they have any necessary exams out of the way, and then a few months to come to terms with it (as much as they ever will) before their next exams.

thethoughtfox · 07/05/2018 09:00

It might be 'non-negotiable' to you but he is a person who has feelings that should be respected too. He might chose to leave immediately.You are effectively holding him unknowingly hostage for a year of his life while you mentally - and presumably physically -prepare to leave. That's not OK. Tell him it's over ad let him decide for himself if he wants to live like this for a year.

BettyBaggins · 07/05/2018 09:04

This summer op, this summer. Good luck Flowers

AJPTaylor · 07/05/2018 09:16

But i guess things are "not bad enough " for him are they?
Unless or until you tell him you are leaving he will not see it. Cos he doesnt feel the same way as you. What do you envisage? You leave and then house gets sold?

Original poster
takemeimalive · 07/05/2018 10:26

BIWI - I accept my children will be impacted by my decision, again, I am trying to minimise that impact. I’m not looking to be the ‘good guy’ I take responsibility for my decision-it’s damage limitation I am seeking.

Fox -The timeline is only non negotiable to protect the dc, assuming I can influence that. If he wants to leave (which he has told me he never will) before I would respect and manage that as I wouldn’t be in control of it.
AJP - you are right, things are not bad enough for him. I envisage him remaining in the house but releasing enough equity for me to buy somewhere else with a smallish mortgage. I don’t actually think things could ever get so bad for him that he would contemplate ending our marriage, he has told me everything can be worked through - everything. It’s tough all round.

OP posts: