Online dating advice

[medicellen]

Recently joined an online dating service, and have no idea how this sort of thing actually plays out. I haven’t posted a picture of me because I feel a bit weird about strangers inspecting me. I obviously would once conversation starts.

after lurking for a bit decided to message a couple of blokes but have had no reply. Clearly, they just might not be interested but is it usual to get no reply rather than a “sorry but...” . Not sure whether to just wait a bit or contact another one. Any thoughts?

No photo? No reply. Simple as that.

The lack of photo will make this impossible. Some people will even have their filters set to not show any profile without a photo. It's a deal breaker.

If you’re doing it, then I think you need to do it wholeheartedly. That means add photos, add all the relevant details, don’t just put “I’ll fill this bit in later” on your profile etc. That way the people you talk to will be interested in you, not just “random woman A”. If you’re on POF you have to wait 24 hours before you can hide your profile but after that I found it helpful to stay hidden and just made the first moved myself. Saved me getting messages from people who didn’t fit my list of do/don’ts and meant that I wasn’t wading through piles of “hey sexy” messages every day to try and find the ones I actually wanted to talk to!

Good luck!

Ok - how come? I understand that people wouldn’t want to meet without a pic but I thought if I sent one after a bit of chat that might be ok

Really don’t want to sound arrogant, but I look ok and wanted people who were interested in my profile - is that hopelessly naive?

yeah sorry i wouldn't reply if no photo, i need to be physically attracted to the person and wouldn't want to waste my time messaging someone or even reading the messages if i didn't find them attractive or if they dont have a pic.

It may seem bad to judge but everyone has different tastes and even though my tastes can differ i have certain no nos when it comes to looks so would be really disappointed if i was talking to someone and then found out they had those no nos.

Wanted to avoid the “hey sexy” but is that just an inevitable part of it all?

As a veteran of OLD, any messages I received from someone without a photo were instantly deleted, even if the message had potential.

No photo usually means = unattractive or married/in a relationship. I can't think of any legitimate reason why someone on a dating site would refuse to put up a pic. It's kinda the point.

Ok, fair enough. Will sort a picture

Next question - if someone gets in touch and I’m not keen what is the etiquette? Don’t reply or get back and say that it isn’t a goer?

No hard or fast rule but I've found that if you reply saying thanks but no thanks some people take it as a challenge and try to convince you, question you on your reasoning or occasionally get abusive / insulting so I tend to just not reply.

I never replied to what I considered 'low effort' messages for the reasons medicellen gives above.

Anyone who sent rude/crass messages I'd block.

The only time I would reply to someone I wasn't interested in was if they had obviously put time and effort into their message and had read and referenced my profile. I would either exchange a few friendly messages and let it naturally peter out or just thank them for their message, turn them down gently and wish them luck in their search.

Sorry to jump on your post OP but can I ask what sites people have found best? I have thought about joining but haven't had the courage to do it yet. I worry about being seen on it by someone I know so it's put me off

I understand what you mean, but you have to realise that online dating is full of liars and weirdos - by not putting a photo on there people will automatically jump to them worst possible conclusion that you’re older/uglier/opposite gender/married/not actually a real person, just a bot! Basically most people wouldn’t want to risk getting into a chat only to find that the person is completely wrong for them.

Obviously you don’t want the wrong type of people picking you just because you’re hot, so pick reasonably modest pics, not big cleavage shots or pouty etc, just a nice smiley photo so that they can see that you’re attractive, the sex/age you say you are and don’t have a thumb for an ear. You are bound to get some annoying and pointless messages but you have to learn to sift the wheat from the chaff and not to waste time with the wrong people.

@timesarechanging123 Plenty of Fish is the favourite. Many people say you get a better class of man on the paid sites, but many of them are also on POF as well so it’s not really worth spending money, you just need to be good at sorting the good from the bad, weed out the married ones (they probably won’t have a photo of their face as their profile pic! ) and anyone who comes on too strong, sends a generic “hi” message rather than “I see you’re a fan of xx, me too!” etc

Don’t worry about people seeing you on there (unless you’re married!). Everyone is doing it these days. I saw my next door neighbour on there and we ended up going out for a drink and hanging out a bit! Lots of people also swear by Tinder but I found it a bit superficial, just totally based on looks, whereas pof had a bit more info available at first glance (although they have an app too, which is swipe left/right style too).

I was OLD for 2 years, I found POF was like wading through primordial soup, Loved OKCupid and the Guardian Dating site were the best. Then I married the bloke I met on Tinder!

Anyhoo, as above no picture, no reply. Dick pics are requests for nude/topless shots, no reply. Low effort messages, no reply.

1st date, always a coffee after work. That way if you need to leave yo always have the “I need to get back for the kids/dog”

I always used to wear the same outfit for every first date, and the same for every second and so on. If you’re going on lot’s of dates with different people it helps you keep
track of what you’ve worn already.

Ok - good tips peeps. I have now posted a pic and have had plenty of “looks” although sadly all from men in London which is no good cos I’m up north

@medicellen - come join us on the OLD thread. Lots of advice and support. Link below - you can also set up the distance from you so you dont get people too far away.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3238983-Lets-have-a-bit-of-Summer-Lovin-Dating-Thread-133

Have to say plenty of fish was the best I found , i did join a few others too, ended up finding the love of my life of pot and a few friends have too. You do need a photograph, I understand from your point of view why you wouldn't but from the other point of view no photo to me meant what are you hiding?!

I have had plenty of messages from people (POF) without having a picture. If you don’t feel comfortable with putting it up then don’t. I live in a small town and was sick of being recognised 😂
Just write in your profile that you do have pics if people ask. Also been most successful sending the first message, yeah there are a lot of idiots but there are some really decent people too.

Another fan of PoF here. I thought it was awful initially but it's actually the easiest site to communicate on and it's the most popular site in the UK so numbers wise, it's your best bet. And it's where I eventually found my amazing DP 😆.

Also loved OKC but made more friends on there than dates. It's particularly good if you're in any way non-traditional re: lifestyle and relationships.

Hated Tinder with the passion of a thousand burning suns. Nobody had any info on their profiles, when you did match with someone they never messaged and at least half my matches were 100+ miles away despite me setting my search area to 20 miles. So infuriating.

Would never pay for a dating site so can't recommend any of those.

I met DP and my significant ex on POF. Love that site!

POF seems to be getting plenty of votes- will look into it. Im currently using guardian soulmates

Thanks for the link @jaxinthebox