Divorcing verbally abusive H but need to stay until house is sold. How to survive the wait?

[birdonawire1]

After 15 years of verbal abuse, gaslighting, manipulation and so on I’d had enough and started divorce proceedings.

Unfortunately we have to live together until the house is sold for a good enough price to provide 2 small houses so our boys have somewhere to stay in uni holidays.

I have tried to ignore him completely, leaving the room when he comes in, not speaking unless I have to, not engaging in any conversation unless it is about the house sale but he still tries all the techniques that have worked so well for him for years.

Telling me I am doing something I’m not, twisting reality, reversing the abuse and so on. I’m so sick of it but he does it at even the slightest opportunity.

Today I asked him if he was going to cut the grass (so immediately gave him an opening). He said only if you tell me, you know you control me and I don’t dare do anything without your permission.

I have always worked and done 90% of the housework and garden. He hasn’t worked in 5 years because of ‘anxiety and depression’. So anxious and depressed that he plays golf every weekend, goes fishing and jetsking, owns 2 cars including a sports car and a caravan he keeps ‘because he needs a bolt hole when I get too aggressive’.

He comes out with complete nonsense like my mother hated men and wanted me to marry just so that I could make my husbands life a misery. I know it’s crazy. I know it’s manipulative. I’ve given up defending myself and trying to prove a negative. I just want him to stop the craziness. It can still distress me, still confuse me, even as I can see what he is doing.

I’ve tried just saying stop now, I’m not listening to this madness, but then I’m just ‘being agressive’ and it risks tipping into the usual arguments. I simply can’t listen any more to him telling me what I am. I know what I am and I won’t be defined by him any longer. It’s driving me mad and I just need some advice on what I can say to just stop him.

Staying silent has been the best thing so far as it keeps the door closed, but sometimes I have no choice. Is there anything I can say that tells him the game is up and I’m not falling for it any more? Anything to let him know I can see through it all? Anything to make him realise I know how he operates and just bloody stop it!

I will do! I’ll copy and paste onto that thread 😀

My ex wasn't abusive throughout the relationship but he did become similar towards the end, and vile during the split and the aftermath. So for about a year or so out of 7.

Honestly. How I dealt with it was I smoked weed, spent a lot of time thinking about his behaviour as well as my own and I just got to this place where I accepted nothing I did made a difference and I couldn't control how he spoke to me.

However, I must impress on the fact that I know for certain he would not have physically hurt me. I just let him carry on and I carried on getting healthier in my own little bubble. Ive never known an atmosphere like it though. It still feels weird that not everyone is having a go at me all the time.

Primal lady.... can you describe how it wasn't abusive but became it? I am going through similar and it's very hard to have someone change like that

Sorry to derail OP

Don't service or share with him in anyway - no laundry, eating same meals etc and hire a cleaner (if you can afford it) to keep the place nice for viewings. Go out a lot ( the evenings are light now have a walk and a coffee/drink). In the house make your bedroom a sanctuary -retreat to it and put a lock on the door watch TV on your laptop, read etc and just try and not be in the same space as him as much as is humanly possible. Any business about the house sale tell him to put in an email.

He is not going to change. the shock of divorce hasn't improved him - nothing will. All you can do is minimise contact and preserve your sanity until you can escape. Could he not go and stay in the caravan now that the weather is fine, especially as he has no work commitments?

Agree with Kikashi, treat it like a house share, no need for any contact. Eat in your room if you have to. Cook when he's out or busy. Don't engage in any conversation. If you want something doing around the house do it yourself or get it done by a friend/ pay someone. Don't ask him for anything. Hope you sell soon.

Anything to let him know I can see through it all?

Why do you care? You are divorcing him. You don't need him to just bloody stop any more. It's not your problem. Stop trying to make him see or make him change.

Today I asked him if he was going to cut the grass (so immediately gave him an opening) Why do that? Why ask him? If you want the grass cutting then cut it yourself. Stop giving him the lines that he will re-start the old patterns . For what it's worth it sounds like there really isn't anything you can say that will make him stop so the best thing to do is say nothing,

kikashi. My bedroom is my sanctuary. I have my sewing machine, painting equipment, tv and radio. And a lock on the door. I often use the study and the computer (mine) and work on my photography hobby there so I can usually get away from him. Of course he huffs and says I’ve “ taken over half the hous” but he is free to use it. He was so annoyed I dared to get away from him he erected a workbench in the study which of course is never used and turned a tidy study into an eyesore.

He won’t go and stay in his caravan. He denies having one despite the storage bill I’ve seen.

I did cut the grass last week, but I am honestly knackered having to work and do everything else so the house is ready for viewings. Believe me I would never say a word to him if I could.

I don’t care, I hate him. I just want to let him know how ridiculous he is, how his reversing and manipulating wont work any more. I need him to know that I see him for what he is because I feel I will be taking back some control when I have been powerless for so many years.

Divorcing will take back control I know but after taking so much BS for years I would love to wipe the smirk off his face. He doesn’t appear to be bothered by the divorce.

so our boys have somewhere to stay in uni holidays.

Well, they're adults now so really, just get a place for yourself that they can camp out in when needed.

With such an awful parental shit I doubt they'll be wanting to be "home" anyway.

Take back your power and do your own thing!

Who gives a fuck about cutting some grass. THIS IS YOUR LIFE AND YOUR FUTURE! You make of it what you will...

I just want him to stop the craziness

You can't. You can only stop reacting to it.

Give it up. And live life how YOU want..............

It could be that he has turned your head upside down and back to front, but you are the one to fix it back on to normal....

You don't need to wipe the smirk off his face, you just need to sell the house. You also don't need a place that's 'home' for your kids, they're adults now. Concentrate your efforts on a quick sale. Fuck him. Not giving him a second thought is your revenge.

Your stbx will never stop the craziness and unfortunately the smirk won't be wiped off his face because people like him like to twist everything to suit their need to feed either that fragile ego or their martyrdom!!

The only thing to aim for is finding your peace away from him so start concentrating on the future you'll have and leave thoughts of his abuse behind .
One day very soon you'll be closing that for the very last time, handing over the keys and moving on and upwards without his crazymaking manipulative bs!
Don't bother asking him for anything or to be fair in anyway!

Closing that door*

Sorry I’m not prepared to sell quickly for my own reasons. the boys are 18 and 19 and they still need a home too.

I get I just need to disengage more.

Do you think some counselling would help you to decompress somewhere safe?

I’m finding it hugely helpful in working out if I want to stay married in the first place.

I used to think it was for self absorbed people - and it probably is! - but it’s helping me.

Make sure you collect hard evidence of all his assets. If he is denying that he owns a caravan he is likely to lie about other things too.

H lies about everything. Keeps all his bank accounts, savings, assets etc. I have kept a record where I can, of his pensions and income.

I would love to do some counselling. I’ve been to Relate on my own in the past. I am mostly OK it’s just sometimes he comes out with his usually crap and I am back in lala land.

When you wrote 'lala land', a tune started playing in my head.

Next time his usual crap surfaces, might you try singing in your head (or just under your breath if you feel bold enough) 'Lala Land, Lala Land, Lala-lala-lala-land' to the tune of 'This Old Man, he played one'?

If he hasn’t worked for 5 years how does he pay for his hobbies? There must be an income somewhere. If he’s that nasty can you see a solicitor and get them to write a letter? I might seem a bit naive but never been in that situation.

ilovecamping his employers insurers pays him a near full salary as he is on long term sick leave. aka wall to wall free time and hobbies! It also is paying his pension despite him not being there so eventually he will get a pension while I won’t have anything significant. I think it a typical male female inequality.

I am definitely going to point out that he is living in Lalaland!

Have you started divorce proceedings, because his pension will be taken into account.

Yes NC. I’m sure the solicitor is on the case. I only care about getting half the house value. Mortgage is almost paid off.

I’m living with my husband while my house sale goes through, so I get the awkwardness.
I’ve realised he’s never going to see my point of view, so I don’t try and make him. I go out, a lot. Or I go to bed early, or sit in the garden.
It’s amicable enough if we keep it at that level. It’s when there’s any need for negotiation that we come a cropper, so I just try not to, and keep pushing for updates on my new home.
(Luckily he can afford to buy me out, so we don’t have to divorce for me to move).

@birdonawire1. Do you think it would be worth taking your equity plus a small mortgage? Would that buy you what you need? Even if it’s over a fairly short term, it might be worth it to escape from this.

I am losing absurd amounts of money from our house sale (even if the buyer comes back with a higher offer). I have decided that I just can’t focus on that - I want out of here and I’ll get enough that I can buy a house and afford to pay my own mortgage (for 30 years, eurgh). It’ll be worth it to not have to share space with my ex.

You should get some of his pension. Definitely. You’ll be getting out anyway, so you may as well go with what you are entitled to.