Divorcing verbally abusive H but need to stay until house is sold. How to survive the wait?

[birdonawire1]

After 15 years of verbal abuse, gaslighting, manipulation and so on I’d had enough and started divorce proceedings.

Unfortunately we have to live together until the house is sold for a good enough price to provide 2 small houses so our boys have somewhere to stay in uni holidays.

I have tried to ignore him completely, leaving the room when he comes in, not speaking unless I have to, not engaging in any conversation unless it is about the house sale but he still tries all the techniques that have worked so well for him for years.

Telling me I am doing something I’m not, twisting reality, reversing the abuse and so on. I’m so sick of it but he does it at even the slightest opportunity.

Today I asked him if he was going to cut the grass (so immediately gave him an opening). He said only if you tell me, you know you control me and I don’t dare do anything without your permission.

I have always worked and done 90% of the housework and garden. He hasn’t worked in 5 years because of ‘anxiety and depression’. So anxious and depressed that he plays golf every weekend, goes fishing and jetsking, owns 2 cars including a sports car and a caravan he keeps ‘because he needs a bolt hole when I get too aggressive’.

He comes out with complete nonsense like my mother hated men and wanted me to marry just so that I could make my husbands life a misery. I know it’s crazy. I know it’s manipulative. I’ve given up defending myself and trying to prove a negative. I just want him to stop the craziness. It can still distress me, still confuse me, even as I can see what he is doing.

I’ve tried just saying stop now, I’m not listening to this madness, but then I’m just ‘being agressive’ and it risks tipping into the usual arguments. I simply can’t listen any more to him telling me what I am. I know what I am and I won’t be defined by him any longer. It’s driving me mad and I just need some advice on what I can say to just stop him.

Staying silent has been the best thing so far as it keeps the door closed, but sometimes I have no choice. Is there anything I can say that tells him the game is up and I’m not falling for it any more? Anything to let him know I can see through it all? Anything to make him realise I know how he operates and just bloody stop it!

That’s what I’m doing. 50% of the equity plus a mortgage.
It’s enough to get a modest place for me and my DCs.

I will be getting a small short term mortgage and putting my savings (£24K) into the new house but still having to get the upper limit price on the current house.

H is being all nice in an effort to get me chatting again. Some hope!

That’s really frustrating. I’m guessing you live somewhere more expensive than I do. I really hope a buyer comes along who loves your house and wants to pay the asking price.

I do wonder why he thinks you’d want to chat with him. Probably an overinflated sense of his own importance.

Unimaginative. He thinks he is the only important person in the marriage! Always has.

An example of the way he twists things which really infuriates me. I said, can the heads of the wild garlic be pulled off now (to stop the bastard things seeding everywhere - we need a nice garden to sell). He said, I’m not going out there now (9 o’clock at night)! It’s how he operates. He’s made out I have told him to go out and deadhead the wild garlick at 9 o’clock to make me look the unreasonable one. It’s gaslighting I know, I know!

He planted the bloody stupid things so I’ve no choice but to ask.

That is crappy behaviour from him. Why would you know if his garlic needs attending to? Oh yes, because he’s the centre of the universe (or at least he thinks so).

It sounds like your garden is far nicer than mine. We have grass. More grass. A path. And one lonely tree. It is, however, fairly ‘low maintenance’ even if it is incredibly boring.

I would suggest that you look at everything as though you are single. So if you decide that grass needs cutting or plants do it yourself. If you don't like being in the house go to library, gym, friends, family, local park, volunteer, drive somewhere with book, camera if you like taking photos. You could spend your time looking for new property on line and visit some to get an idea of what you do and don't like/can afford. I like to be busy.

I know. I have to rise above it and just ignore him.

....I will miss my garden, but I’ll take the best plants and leave the bloody garlic!