Awful things happening

[WhyShould]

I'll try to give all the detail I can here. Have NC for this because it's more personal than what I usually post on here.

I've been suffering with PND and associated postnatal OCD since DC2 was born 21m ago. This happened after the birth of DC1 too and I recovered from that episode so I know that I'm on the way to feeling mostly ok now. I'm feeling the OCD subside again overall, but I'm still "fussy" about the bed and a few other things in the house. I'm a SAHM/work from home part time, so I'm here all day every day. I can't stand being in mess all day and can't stand to work when it's untidy. On top of this, I have DC2 underfoot most of the time (only in nursery 2x half days). He is very demanding and hard work right now, so actually I'm not able to really keep on top of my work or anything else in the house, let alone indulge my bloody OCD!

I have always showered every night before bed (partly because I sleep better if I go to bed warm) and change the sheets about once a week (fine by well established MN standards, no?!).

Anyway, today, DH arranged for a friend of his to babysit so we could go out for dinner. It was absolutely lovely, something we haven't done for ages. Earlier in the day, though, DH had been gardening, bare chested (!) in the sun.

So we had dinner out, came home, put the kids to bed and had a reasonably boring but relaxing evening. Throughout all of this DH had a lot to drink - 3 cocktails and 2 pints at dinner and he polished off half a bottle of red and a whisky in the late evening. When he came up to bed I suggested that he had a shower. He was drunk and had been sweaty gardening, I just didn't fancy having him in the bed like that (sheets were changed only yesterday). He turned around and left the bedroom for some time, I fell asleep. It turns out that my request for him to shower made him so angry that he ended up punching a hole in the wall downstairs. He then came upstairs, showered and came to bed where he told me about what he'd done. I was half asleep and absolutely stupefied at what he was saying. He ended up shouting at me, saying that he's sick of me, sick of tiptoeing around and meeting my demands for things to be clean.

He got into bed and has been laying next to me snoring for 3 hours now while I lay here in tears. I know I have "a problem". I have sought help and had excellent advice which was all centred around quietly and calmly riding it out, cleaning the things I really wanted clean (like the bed, once a week!) if it made me feel good (it does). I'm a strong, practical and resilient person and I know what aspects of my OCD tendencies are ridiculous, but I'm so upset tonight. I try hard every day to control myself in not demanding that everyone treats the house like a museum, even though I'd love for it to stay tidy as it is a beautiful house. We have kids stuff laying about everywhere, as any family would. I do chip him about things like leaving washing up laying about for me to do - I won't put up with basic shit like that which directly impacts on my day. I know I'm not the only wife to do this and I know I'm not wrong in asking him to tidy up after himself.

Anyway, as for tonight, I simply don't think it's unreasonable to ask a drunk sweaty person to shower before coming to bed. I'm beginning to think he blames my PND/OCD for the times I call him out for being a man-baby/slob. Anyway, I'm a mess and the fecker is right there snoring his head off ☹️

Yanbu

Hope things are better in the morning. X

You are being more than reasonable and he is being a dick. Is he often violent? Punching a hole in the wall is a ludicrous response to your request and would scare me.

You are definitely not being unreasonable for asking him to shower - particularly because I imagine you're the one who changes the bed sheets, not him. My DP astounds me regularly re: how terrible he is at doing stuff around the house and how pissed off he is when I ask him to do something.

I also HATE the fact that they can also drop straight to sleep after an argument while we're left to stew.

You're not alone, I promise. He'll probably apologize in the morning.

He should not have.pinched a whole in the wall, the fucking dick.

Me personally though, I'd have just let him crash, and made him change the sheets in the morning.

Try and sleep op. Tackle it tomorrow

Jesus, thats a lot to drink. Punching a wall is not normal. He needs to get help. My dad drinks a lot and i remember holes in a door when i was a kid. My mum in retaliation vut up a pair of his trousers. That taught him he couldn't wreck her house in rage. He didnt do it again. He still has a drink problem.

Agree with Angelfish. YANBU. It doesnt even sound like an OCD request. Hope you feel better in the morning.

YABU
I wonder in what tone you asked him to shower? Did you ask him or tell him? I imagine your DH's anger has really built up over time and I think it's perfectly normal for it to come out in a rush when he is drunk. It sounds to me like he spends all of his time sober trying very hard to live by your rules and he's actually more sick of it than he's letting on.
I have a similar problem with my DH in that he has different living standards to me and it winds him up that I always want things to be clean and tidy and he's not as bothered. It's his house and his bed too and he was drunk and tired. I'm afraid you don't get to have everything your way just because you're the clean one and therefore you think you're in the right.
I would sit him down when he's sober again and you're both in a better mood and try to explain to him that your illness is aggravated by situations like that and you don't mean to be so controlling.

Actually rereading you OP i would clarify: i am not some pearl clutvhing person and the quantities of drink dont soubd excessive and although its a wierd and somewhat excessive mix of drinks another man could drink that and be fine. As a response to drinking he punches a wall that is not on and he needs to eithsr control his alcohol intake or control his behaviour. The wall punching shpuld go doen as a one off mistake.

Once he has to DIY fill it in, repaint etc he should realise what a PITA it is and not do it again.

I'm more perplexed about you being ok about him going out for dinner all sweaty. Surely the was the time to suggest a shower?

But yes, I agree, try to sleep and think about things again tomorrow.

I'm just wondering if he had been gardening all day sweating in this heat why wouldn't he shower before head out for a meal
Yuck
I'd be fumming I'm slightly ocd and my bed freaks me out
I have to wipe my feet before getting into it so no bits get in the bed and I make sure my partner showers daily too

First thing in the morning I’d stick a YouTube video of how to fix the wall on his phone, then send him to the shop to fix it before the kids see. I wouldn’t be discussing anything else until it’s done.

Then I’d sit him down and tell him if he ever pulls anything like that again he will be leaving the home and the marriage because people do not behave like that no matter how much they have had to drink. Explain again how hard you’re working to keep things under control.

This is all assuming it’s a one off and he’s never done this before. If it’s part of a pattern then he needs to go.

No more drinking to excess.

Did he not shower before dinner?

Has the advice and support that you receive extended to help or advice for him on how to deal with your OCD? It's exhausting having OCD and so is living with someone else's constant demands, no matter how much you love them or how much you both understand that there is a problem.

How will he know the difference between the times you chip at him because he is a man baby / slob (in your opinion) or the times when it is your OCD, the two are not exclusive. Either way repeatedly being reminded that you are not quite good enough is tough.

And yes, how do the fuckers fall asleep so quickly after an argument? Hopefully you will both be able to talk in the morning. Unless he is usually an aggressive man (which is a different matter) I would be concerned that he is struggling and bottling everything up.

He was u not to shower before supper.

He was u to drink such an absolute shedload at supper. He must have been hammered?

Yabu to require a hammered person to have a shower before bed. He needed to lie the fuck down. Also it's his bed and his body. It's weird to "tell" an adult to wash, you do see that don't you? You are acting like his mum or nurse by even asking. If he wanted to have sex, that's a little different but it sounds like he just wanted to go to sleep? The ocd does sound exhausting to live with.

He was massively u to put a hole in the wall.

You sound like an upright parent and he sounds like a petulant child. Have you read anything about transactional analysis? A couple can't have a parent child relationship for long without things going badly wrong.

Can you get work outside the home? Are you in counselling for OCD/ are you medicated? Does he generally drink that much?

*Uptight parent

Sorry not sure why my post includes the whole thread..

He got hot and sweaty in the garden and went out for dinner WITHOUT showering? Yuk.

Then when asked to shower before bed, punched a hole in the wall? What a cunt.

Dear Christ.

HE is the one with the problem in this instance, not you.

Firstly it must be very difficukt having ocd for the person who has it but also the person who lives with you.Now obviously he shouldn't have punched a hole in the wall and i would be having serious words about that but I don't understand why you didn't just let him sleep and sort sheets in the morning. He could have done it in the morning. He was drunk and tired. You like to shower at night but not every one does and you can't control when another person gets a shower. It's his home as well and if you have very different standards that's always going to cause tension as neither of you is right or wrong just different. Does he pull his weight at home with house work ? if he's being messy and expecting you to pick up after him then that's not on but if he does pull his weight but it's not up to your standards then I do think you have to work on that as it's both your home and you should both be happy and comfortable at home. Hopefully you have all had some sleep and feel better this morning

I think it's mega weird he didn't shower before he went to dinner? Who wants to go out hot and sweaty from gardening?

So he couldn't handle his booze and it all came to a head, hopefully he'll regret it this morning.

Has he had support/counselling to help understand how to support you? As the sister of someone with OCD it's a hard thing to understand and support if your not guided.

hi
firstly the extreme punching the wall thing needs addressing - he can fix it and alpologise- it is not acceptable

however, my exp the father of my dc has ocd and i have been where your partner is - at my wits end.
it is so difficult living with the crippling disease for all, especially you. My dp has to clean the bathroom after id had a bath and was in labour as he couldn't leave the house without. OCD is crippling, i never felt truly accepted or fully welcome in my our home
it's only on reflection when i am living in my own home i understand how miserable it made me. My dp and i split 3 years ago and we are great friends, now but it was the ocd that killed it. i would literally do anything for him and he is the nicest kindest man i know but the nerves i used to get knowing he would be home and have to clean we're awful. i would often try to keep the house spotless so he wouldn't see fault but he always did. he of course would never mention this out loud or be angry he would just clean. Each time he did i felt dirty.
it got to the point i hated having visitors

your dp was out of order last night but i would advise talking to him re your ocd as it's exhausting (or was for me)

Instead of having a go at you for having ocd, he should be seeking help for his anger. That quantity of alcohol is ridiculous. He's an ass.

Your mental health challenges are neither here nor there. You manage to keep a household running and wrangle 2 spirited young children while dealing honestly with your mental health.

He could probably be expected to adult, all by himself. This includes having the self-respect to wash, and the basic respect for you to not punch holes in walls.

He’s a smelly slob with no self-control. He needs to stop blaming you IMMEDIATELY and look to being a better role-model to his kids.

You’re doing just fine, and you know it. More power to you.

Has he ever done wall punching stuff before?
If he is usually quite reasonable then it sounds like the clean thing just got to him, he felt rejected and because he was a bit drunk he lost it.

I had a friend who got pnd with agrophobia. Her husband was marvellous. Coming home from work in the middle of the day, taking on the bulk of childcare/ housework in the evenings. After about a year he lost it and said he just could not go on, she would have to leave as he was at the end of his tether. She marks it as the point where she really started to take her meds regularly, admit the major problem and push for better help.

Apologies op if I have misread this but the ocd must be wearing for you and him. Some people might like a sweaty Gardner in their bed after all!!

Punching a hole in the wall is obviously better than punching you. Not that I’m excusing it. He drank too much. Does he normally drink that much? Do you call him out often for being a man slob? To me the lack of showering before going out shows a lack of respect.

When or how he ‘should’ wash is a topic for discussion - but not for when he is drunk and tired. That was a bit foolish. But there’s no excuse for punching a hole in the wall.

What comes across from your post is that you are both under a huge amount of pressure - young kids, etc. An added problem is that the way you are each expressing this makes it much worse for the other: OCD or drinking.

That is a lot to drink.