Awful things happening

[WhyShould]

I'll try to give all the detail I can here. Have NC for this because it's more personal than what I usually post on here.

I've been suffering with PND and associated postnatal OCD since DC2 was born 21m ago. This happened after the birth of DC1 too and I recovered from that episode so I know that I'm on the way to feeling mostly ok now. I'm feeling the OCD subside again overall, but I'm still "fussy" about the bed and a few other things in the house. I'm a SAHM/work from home part time, so I'm here all day every day. I can't stand being in mess all day and can't stand to work when it's untidy. On top of this, I have DC2 underfoot most of the time (only in nursery 2x half days). He is very demanding and hard work right now, so actually I'm not able to really keep on top of my work or anything else in the house, let alone indulge my bloody OCD!

I have always showered every night before bed (partly because I sleep better if I go to bed warm) and change the sheets about once a week (fine by well established MN standards, no?!).

Anyway, today, DH arranged for a friend of his to babysit so we could go out for dinner. It was absolutely lovely, something we haven't done for ages. Earlier in the day, though, DH had been gardening, bare chested (!) in the sun.

So we had dinner out, came home, put the kids to bed and had a reasonably boring but relaxing evening. Throughout all of this DH had a lot to drink - 3 cocktails and 2 pints at dinner and he polished off half a bottle of red and a whisky in the late evening. When he came up to bed I suggested that he had a shower. He was drunk and had been sweaty gardening, I just didn't fancy having him in the bed like that (sheets were changed only yesterday). He turned around and left the bedroom for some time, I fell asleep. It turns out that my request for him to shower made him so angry that he ended up punching a hole in the wall downstairs. He then came upstairs, showered and came to bed where he told me about what he'd done. I was half asleep and absolutely stupefied at what he was saying. He ended up shouting at me, saying that he's sick of me, sick of tiptoeing around and meeting my demands for things to be clean.

He got into bed and has been laying next to me snoring for 3 hours now while I lay here in tears. I know I have "a problem". I have sought help and had excellent advice which was all centred around quietly and calmly riding it out, cleaning the things I really wanted clean (like the bed, once a week!) if it made me feel good (it does). I'm a strong, practical and resilient person and I know what aspects of my OCD tendencies are ridiculous, but I'm so upset tonight. I try hard every day to control myself in not demanding that everyone treats the house like a museum, even though I'd love for it to stay tidy as it is a beautiful house. We have kids stuff laying about everywhere, as any family would. I do chip him about things like leaving washing up laying about for me to do - I won't put up with basic shit like that which directly impacts on my day. I know I'm not the only wife to do this and I know I'm not wrong in asking him to tidy up after himself.

Anyway, as for tonight, I simply don't think it's unreasonable to ask a drunk sweaty person to shower before coming to bed. I'm beginning to think he blames my PND/OCD for the times I call him out for being a man-baby/slob. Anyway, I'm a mess and the fecker is right there snoring his head off ☹️

I do think he should have showered before he went out. Why didn’t he? Having said that I don’t think you can tell a grown man to shower before bed if he doesn’t want to. He probably felt humiliated.

I agree with BeanJen that your preferences don’t get to his. Your home is both of yours (and I say this as the tidy and clean person in the house with 2 messy people).

I think the important thing is how things are when he’s sobered up today.

I think it's impossible for anyone on the Internet to say either way - we don't know enough about the situation or your relationship.

It sounds awful - punching a wall really isn't normal behaviour however we don't know that he isn't a lovely, placid who has been pushed to his limit.

This sounds awful but we don't know how 'bad' you are and what he's been dealing with and bottling up. Not saying you're bad - hope you understand what I meant by that - but living with someone with OCD or MH issues can really take its toll.

I can't imagine he was really that dirty if he went out to dinner like that and it did cross my mind that that was a sign that your OCD might not be so under control and you were possibly trying to justify your need for him to shower.

Sorry if that seems like I'm putting it on you and condoning his behaviour. I'm not. Just saying that we don't know the full picture. It sounds like a difficult situation for both of you but if he's ordinarily a good man then I hope you can work through this.

If he regularly has no patience for what you're going through, is unsupportive and prone to aggression then that's a different matter.

You know your husband. Talk to him. Keep getting help for you. I feel for both of you. You both need support in RL for this. I hope you have that. Maybe he needs help from what services you have too. It's a lot to deal with. Good luck.

Morning all! Thank you, wonderful MN

I've managed some sleep and we'll talk when the kids are up and sorted.

I agree that he should have perhaps showered before going out! We only went to a local causal place, though, so that wasn't a huge deal. It was more me not wanting to sleep next to him drunk I think. The pp that say that is the issue are right. He does drink too much, but I also need to let things go sometimes.

I'm still gobsmacked that he went out for a meal all sweaty and smelly. Maybe I'm weird but I would have found that really disrespectful of me.

If that had been me, I honestly would have let him get in bed, but got out myself if I couldn't bear it. I imagine he feels insulted and his self-esteem must be taking a bashing. Doesn't excuse hitting the wall, but that's alcohol for you (nasty drug, in opinion, particularly the red wine version).

If you have a really good think, how many things are you 'pulling him up' on? The washing up and showering, but what else? Do you think it might be quite draining to live with you? For someone with less ocd tendencies than you?

I'm with nursy1 - it must be wearing for him. With all kindness, I think you need to see about getting a bit of help for yourself.

I don't have OCD but would want him to shower before bed, in fact before going out. I would have had a shower before going out even if I hadn't been gardening. My stbxh does a sport once a week and would often come home , fall asleep on the sofa and then straight to bed. I did tell him many times to shower before sitting on the sofa, but he did what he wanted. He also doesn't take his shoes off when he comes home which also really annoys me and it means the DC often don't. So not only does he not help with housework, he makes needless mess.

So when I've finally moved out I will have certain rules that the kids will have to adhere to so that we can live in a reasonably clean and tidy home without anyone making unnecessary housework.

I have lived with someone who was obsessed with cleaning and being clean. She would say she was only concerned with certain areas of the house being clean but in reality she wanted everything spotless.

Wanted to wash the soles of our shoes in bleach every time we came in. Washed the skirting boards everyday. She had chandeliers in every room and would clean every droplet every day.
She would get suicidal if we didn't help her. We stopped going on holiday as all she could think of was the dust settling and the mess the unoccupied house would be in when we got back. We would book for a fortnight but the most we did was 3 days before we had to hurry home.

It is good you are getting help and recognising that you have a problem and are working your way through it but as someone who had to live with this you do end up feeling like you are tip toeing around the person not able to do right for doing wrong and the pressure you are under builds

I wouldn't want to sleep next to a sweaty pissed person either sweaty balls >vom alcohol creeping through the pores >double vom

I'm not OCD not even close

Morning @WhyShould. Glad to hear you sound a bit happier this morning and you have a plan for discussing it all. I feel for you both in this situation for all the reasons given by different posters - all valid. I hope his hand is ok, will probably be sore

Yes the going out for dinner without showering after sweating in the garden is turning my stomach tbh and I haven’t got OCD. Punching a hole in the wall is not acceptable. Sounds like you have some problems to sort out.

I imagine he feels insulted and his self-esteem must be taking a bashing

Because she asked him to shower to get rid of hours old dried on sweat!??

I know men's egos are precious, but fuck me, this is a new one on me!

I get that if OP often 'has requests' he might be tired of them and because he was drunk he exploded, I get that.

But still, he's a twat imo

Confused messages you are sending there OP, could this be why your OH feels he is walking on eggshells?

You think the real reason that you didn’t want to sleep next to him is because he was pissed, but made an issue about him having a shower because he was sweaty off earlier in the day, which didn’t even matter before dinner

Have you talked about your triggers, the things you feel most anxious about and the things you can let go? Like you can go for a meal with a sweaty man but an unwashed man in bed is a no no, pissed or not?

No-one on here can judge from your post because you don't talk about how he is & how all these factors affect him too.

You need to talk. Much better to listen to him than to have walls with holes in them. If he finds it hard to talk, maybe he needs counselling too. Supporting a partner with mental health problems is difficult too.

FWIW I would have let him sleep. Who sends a drunk man to have a shower? I would be worried he would slip & hurt himself.

Um. He was gardening and got all sweaty and didn’t shower until you told him to after he’d been out with you ?
Eww
But the wall punching thing is unacceptable

Well he was drunk and clearly not thinking straight. Now he has to fix the wall. Something I'm sure he will enjoy.

I agree though, I'd have wanted him to shower before going out. I'm not sure it's reasonable to accept him going out smelly but tell him when he's wankered about to get into bed to shower. It was never going to go down well really.

He was drunk and tired and just wanted to sleep. In his drunk mind you were "nagging again" and he lost his temper. Personally I would have just let him sleep but you have already compromised a lot in a bid to control your urges so hats off to you.

It is NOT normal to punch things. To me that just screams anger problems.

My DP has never even raised his voice to me. If he punched a hole in the wall I’d leave. It just isn’t normal or healthy in my mind

It might not be just a case of nagging. He arranged the evening out. Could it be because things are difficult and he wanted to make an effort but it still ended up this way? I admit I am making assumptions but maybe things really aren't great and he's at his wits end?

Actually I tried to delete that last post but too late. I don't want to make assumptions. I'm not suggesting that is the case. Devil's advocate maybe. I shouldn't have posted that so I'll go back to my initial post. Punching a wall is not normal but we don't have full picture. You know your relationship. Talk to him.

Hello again. Thanks to all. We've talked lots just now. He's mortified about the wall and said he just kind of struck his flat hand against it, rather than giving it a proper punch. I can see that it's actually very crumbly thin plaster right where he hit it, and it's just cracked, not an enormous hole. He's off to the shop to buy stuff to fix it later on.

We talked about the drinking and he's agreed to an app that he can use to monitor his intake over a month. He realises that he drinks a lot but I know he minimises the effects of it. I think last night was a combination of lots of little things that have been building up. It feels good to have had it come out, in a way. We are genuinely a happy family, we have loads of fun together but my head and hormones are simply so screwed up during babyhood. It's happened to me with both DCs but I do I feel like I'm getting through to the end of it. So, I'm going back to talk to my councillor and he's going to monitor his alcohol. It seems a good ending for now. Thanks to all, it really helps so much to write it down and to read your support and your perspectives

said he just kind of struck his flat hand

As long as he doesn't do that to you next time he's drunk. Because flat hand or punch, you'd be hurt.