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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Commercial pilot/cheating?

29 replies

Redbadge · 04/05/2018 15:49

Hi everyone, coming here for some opinions.

My DP has always wanted to be a pilot. He currently has a very good, stable factory job (management). he has come across an advertisement for pilot training and jobs for an airline doing short haul, European travel. He's already writing up his application and is excited.

background - We've been together 3 years, not long after we got together he cheated on a night out, worked past it and were happy and now expecting first DC. A few weeks ago I found messages to an ex, basically an emotional affair. He said they were just talking about 'what ifs' and he was talking to her because I can be hard to talk to. I was devastated (still am) but am trying to forgive him and make it work (and yes, I know I'm a complete mug). He was known for cheating on his ex's, so I was cautious when we got together but friends are always telling me 'he hated ex and they were never good together, but he really loves you and wants to make it work'.

I'm happy for him to be excited about an opportunity for his dream job, but I am absolutely gutted. I know if he did somehow get it it would spell the end of our relationship, I wouldn't be able to trust him spending most of his time away and working with numerous attractive women in foreign countries. I've told him this honestly, that I cannot be the partner home alone most nights wondering whether I'm being cheated on; to which I've been told I'm a complete dick, I'm trying to ruin his dreams and so on. It's well known pilots cheat, I'm friends with several air steward/esses who have told me what they're like. I don't want to shit on his dreams, but I don't want my partner in a career where cheating could be so easy.

OP posts:

Adora10 · 04/05/2018 15:54

He put the mistrust there OP that's why you feel him becoming a pilot would be too much for you, he has form and I think you know you can't trust him even now and yes most of my friends fly and they tell me more stories about pilots and the cabin crew that you would believe, sorry.

I think you may have to move on from this one.

SeaEagleFeather · 04/05/2018 15:58

He said they were just talking about 'what ifs' and he was talking to her because I can be hard to talk to.

He'll cheat and blame you.

SoapOnARoap · 04/05/2018 15:59

I think you need to let him go. From his side, if anyone tried to stop me applying for my dream job, I’d have to politely kick them into touch.

Lillygolightly · 04/05/2018 15:59

Pilot training takes many many years, the cost of which is NOT small. Before worrying about the possibility of cheating should he manage to become a pilot many years from now, I’d be worrying about the financial feasibility of him undertaking the training.

As for the cheating, I’ll be blunt, it sounds like he has form and will cheat regardless of his profession. If he wants to do it, he will pilot or not.

If I were you I’d want to consider if I want to continue to invest my time and energy on a man who can’t keep it in his pants emotionally or physically. That’s up to you though.

SeaEagleFeather · 04/05/2018 15:59

to which I've been told I'm a complete dick, I'm trying to ruin his dreams and so on

actually, he's already blaming you. How many other things does he blame you for? If blaming you is his default position, you're in for a shit ride long term

NCThatsInevitablyGoingToFail · 04/05/2018 16:01

I'd let him go. The chance of him doing that for a job is minimal anyway, but you just can't trust him.

Storm4star · 04/05/2018 16:03

Yes, I am also aware of the thing about pilots/air cabin crew, but.... he is just going to be doing European short haul and I knew someone doing this and it never involved nights away etc. It was almost like driving a bus! There are many hurdles to cross for him to even get the job in the first place.

I am more concerned that he called you a “dick” for discussing your (understandable) fears. Also he had an emotional affair and then blamed it on you!

Honestly, if it were me, I would hold fire for now on any major life decisions but I would be quietly squirrelling some savings, getting some support networks in place etc. So that if you do need to walk away at some point, you can do so without your life falling apart.

Original poster

Redbadge · 04/05/2018 16:08

thanks everyone. You've all confirmed what I'm telling myself. of course I want him to pursue his dream but not at the detriment of my own well being. I want to be supportive, but I can't support bigger opportunities for him to cheat.

@Lillygolightly - it's some type of intensive training programme, limited spaces. I think the costs are covered (?) but he's not bad off financially anyway. I've said to him if he can cheat in our own town with a complete munter, what's to stop him cheating whilst abroad with a bevvy of attractive women.

@Adora10 - Yep, many friends in the city working for various airlines, it's pretty disgusting.

I've pretty much been told he would choose that over our relationship, end of. Feels a bit shit.

OP posts:

AmazingPostVoices · 04/05/2018 16:14

I don’t want to be unkind but from your OP you’ve only been together 3 years and he’s cheated twice already.

He has a know history of cheating on previous partners.

I’m very sorry Red I don’t think it’s going to matter which job he’s doing.

You don’t trust him, with excellent reason.

Get yourself organised to be able to go it alone as a single parent.

Original poster

Redbadge · 04/05/2018 16:17

@Storm4star - we don't share finances and have separate accounts saving for a house, we live in a council house I lived in before we were together.

Currently sat at my desk trying not to burst into tears. He's just told me he is wasting his time with 'us' and there is no point being together as my fears will never go away (it was only last month I caught him again! How quick am I supposed to feel better about it?!)

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/05/2018 16:19

Leave a cheater, gain a life. You really do need to read Chumplady's website.

You need to be apart from this man now. He has cheated and will continue to cheat regardless of what profession he is in. This is who he is.

Why are you still with this man at all?. Out of supposed love for him (he clearly does not love you), habit, the fear of being alone?. He has form for cheating when he was with his ex and had already cheated whilst he has been with you. Why is your relationship bar so low here that you are still together and are now having a child by him?. These are harsh questions yes but you do need to ask yourself these.

Friends as well can be over invested and you need new friends as well now. Why did you ever believe his friends saying that he really loves you and wants to make it work?. They are not with him are they?. Or did you just think that he loves you and wants to make it work. He really does think you are a complete and utter doormat. Some role model too he is going to be to his child.

Original poster

Redbadge · 04/05/2018 16:26

@AttilaTheMeerkat - I love him and I was honestly happy with him (except when he has cheated). I'm not afraid of being alone, I wasn't pursuing any type of relationship when we got together, it just happened. I'm more than happy in my own company. I guess I'm just clinging on to when things were better and hoping it will come back... Also got pregnant thanks to a contraceptive failure, definitely not TTC

His friends are my friends, we've been friends since 6th form college, hence how I know about his previous relationships. I believed what they were saying because they are my friends too.

OP posts:

StarlightSparkle · 04/05/2018 16:31

I can understand giving second chances in some circumstances, but not third, fourth, fifth chances, etc.

He’s proved what sort of person he is and may not have physically cheated with his ex but those what-if conversations are really disrespectful and you allegedly being ‘difficult to talk to’ is no excuse.

Regardless of whether he gets the job or not, you don’t trust him (understandably) and if it were me I would be giving serious thought as to whether this is the sort of relationship I want to be in.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/05/2018 16:34

"I guess I'm just clinging on to when things were better and hoping it will come back.."

No do not do that to yourself, that will just cause you yet more anguish. What you had was a mirage. This is also a bad investment that is never going to come good.

Re your friends, well they can be and certainly were over invested here. They were young and naïve too. What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/05/2018 16:39

Did you also confuse love with codependency?. Did you ever think you could finally be the one woman here who could somehow tame him?. I am wondering why your bar here is still so low that even after him cheating on you repeatedly you have even now not given him the boot.

If you are indeed happy in your own company then be so. Make a life for yourself and his child going forward without him in it day to day. He should also be financially responsible for his child, it may well come to pass that you will have to pursue him for his financial responsibility here.

Original poster

Redbadge · 04/05/2018 16:42

@AttilaTheMeerkat - past relationships.......every single one has cheated on me and more than one has been abusive, mentally, physically and sexually. Father was an abusive alcoholic and died when I was young. So I have no standard to hold anyone against.

I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. He's said I've tried to force him into an ultimatum, which was not intended I was just trying to be honest that I couldn't stick around being the paranoid housewife whilst he's swanning off.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/05/2018 16:53

I am so sorry to read that; you were really taught a shedload of damaging lessons on relationships when you were growing up. Its no coincidence that you got together with such a man who is a cheat through and through, he is simply the latest in a long line of men who have let you down so very badly.

You can start the long, arduous and difficult process of untangling all this crap you have learnt along the way starting with your late dad but it will take work and a lot of it on your part to do so. This is not going to be a quick fix. It is for you as well as your child you should do this and give yourself and your child a better future. I would contact Womens Aid and enrol yourself onto their Freedom Programme; this will go some way to helping you recognise red flags and establishing better boundaries. BACP are also good re counselling and do not charge the earth.

Original poster

Redbadge · 04/05/2018 16:58

Thank you so much. I do have famously terrible taste in men and 15 years of relationships has done a number on me mentally. I will definitely look into the counselling as suggested, I've still got case worker contacts from when I was previously helped by such charities.

I just don't want to be cheated on is that too much to ask.

OP posts:

mindutopia · 04/05/2018 17:00

It sounds like he doesn’t need a job involving lots of travel to cheat on you. He’s doing a fine job of it already. Sorry but sounds like he’s already a jerk and the trust has been broken.

Hoppinggreen · 04/05/2018 17:01

Putting aside the possible cheating thing is the company paying for all his training?
It’s really expensive if not

AmazingPostVoices · 04/05/2018 17:05

I just don't want to be cheated on sad is that too much to ask.

Not only is it not too much to ask, it’s the bare minimum that you should expect from a partner.

loveyoutothemoon · 04/05/2018 17:12

Sounds like you shouldn't trust him whatever his profession.

HollowTalk · 04/05/2018 17:17

OK so your house is in your name - you can kick him out? That makes everything so much easier.

I know it's hard to have a relationship when you've only had bad examples, but I think you need to look at a friend or relative who's got a good husband and judge everyone against that. I would leave off being involved with anyone for a while, though, and focus on the Freedom Programme.

Original poster

Redbadge · 04/05/2018 19:07

I know. I said before he cheats on me at home so what’s to stop him doing it when he has the opportunity like that. I’m hurt that I’m so easy to throw away.

@HollowTalk - I was single for years before him, I’m not really a relationship person due to past experience and I enjoy my own space I.e. not having to live to anyone else expections. Also being pregnant I have 0 interest in being with anyone for a few years. I have enough on my plate between work and having to raise a child than focusing my attention on a man. I just feel a bit pathetic that I’ve given him so many unwarranted chances.

OP posts:

MrsRolandRat · 04/05/2018 20:11

I'm cabin crew, have been for 18 years. Worked short haul for 3 years and long haul for the last 15 years.

To get onto a pilot cadet scheme where an airline basically pays for their training is extremely competitive. Thousands upon thousands of people apply every year for a handful of places. The chances of him actually being successful are pretty slim in my opinion.

As others have stated pilot or not he has form for cheating. He doesn't need night stops downroute to enable him the opportunity to sleep around he's doing that in a 9-5 job. However yes I'm afraid there are lots of affairs or one night stands which happen on lay overs. It's the one area of my field of work which I don't like.

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