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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having a shitty time with DP right now, not sure how to move forward

46 replies

BlueTrousers · 03/05/2018 18:39

I will start off by saying I am generally very happy in my relationship and very much in love with DP
He is a good man and he works very hard and sacrifices a lot for our family and so that I can stay at home with the babies
I genuinely believe we will be together for the rest of our lives

Now, that being said he is getting right on my tits at the minute!

We have 4 DC; DS1 7, DD1 6, DS2 2 and DD2 is 3 months
At the moment I just feel like I do everything around the house and with and for the DC and I’m feeling taken for granted
He thinks because he’s the only one bringing money in and I wanted to be at home with the DC then I should be doing everything with and for them

I see his point I really do, I’m just so bloody knackered that I’m struggling to care that he has a totally valid point

We keep having the same conversation and kind of making up then a few days later we’ll disagree again and the atmosphere will be frosty for another few days until it comes to a head, we have the conversation, make up...and on and on the cycle continues

This has been going on for around a month now and I’m bloody fed up

How do we move forward from this?
Any suggestions?

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 03/05/2018 18:43

For a whole weekend - yes, 2 days! - pretend that you're at work and he's a SAHM. You do need to go out somewhere or you'll be tempted to help. Leave him to his own devices and tell him he has to take them out somewhere (pretend school run), and at the end of 2 days ask him which role he prefers! Wink

Smeddum · 03/05/2018 18:45

@TwitterQueen1 has it nailed!

Dancingleopard · 03/05/2018 18:50

I had to tell my dh that the situation was making me ill.

I was tired,stressed out and frazzled and I need his help.

I also jotted a list down of things he could do that would help me when he got in. Which he does.

I shouldn’t have had to do any of the above but I did and things are miles better.

However. If your tell your DP your struggling and you need help and he doesnt help you - then he is not a nice person. If he loves and respects you he will help.

category12 · 03/05/2018 18:55

Soooo he thinks it's fair that your job is 24/7 and his is (say if he works long hours) 60 hrs a week?

Dancingleopard · 03/05/2018 18:55

Also you have two small children - I bet your fucked. You need a break can you go off for a night away to have a proper rest?

My youngest are 2 and 5 and honestly I could run away most days. The house is trashed and I’m frazzled by seven.

You need to have a proper chat about how it’s effecting your health and how you need him to help you.

It’s pathetic but I’ve always found if I demand dh just sticks his heels in - if I play woman in need he doesn’t hesitate. Which pisses me off but it works (for me)

Blueunicorn · 03/05/2018 18:56

@TwitterQueen1 another agreeing to this! It makes them so how it's not so easy as they think!

TwitterQueen1 · 03/05/2018 19:38

Also, a list of 'things to remember', eg
DS1 has PE and will need his clean PE kit in his PE bag. Dl NOT provide clues Wink
There is nothing for DC's tea our our dinner - you will need to go to the shop.
Random relative has a birthday tomorrow - pls buy, write and send card with £20 or a voucher.

Ha ha Grin am amusing myself by thinking up many, many other little things that need doing...

yetAnotherNewName1000 · 03/05/2018 19:43

Ooh, adding to @TwitterQueen1's list, how about leaving him to ferry about the dc to 2 different activities that run at very slightly different times but in different places, so you are frantically trying to get there, then having to wait for an hour (whilst entertaining the little ones, then rushing off to collect the other one). Or make him do a supermarket shop with them...or even better, tell him they need new shoes.

Original poster
BlueTrousers · 03/05/2018 19:52

Whilst I would love to do a day swap with him I just know that absolutely zero housework would get done and whilst he’d ‘supervise’ the DC they wouldn’t have a very fulfilling couple of days, they’d likely spend it all on screens
He wouldn’t even think of doing things like homework
So it’d just make for more work for myself when I clocked back on

Dancingleopard if I ask/tell him specific tasks then he will do them with no question, but I resent having to tell him or ask him all the time
And I don’t think I could even write a list of things for him to do when he gets home, some days I’ll have had time to clean the kitchen, some days not, some days I’ll have walked the dog, some days she’ll be going potty barking at the door, some days There will be washing everywhere the kitchen a bomb site the kids won’t have had tea and I’ll be sat in the middle of it all with the baby on my boob! What I really need from him is to walk in, have a look round l, roll his sleeves up and just pitch in!
That and to stop saying every task he does is “for me” - “I’ve hoovered the floor for you” “I’ve changed the babies nappy for you” Angry makes me want to throat punch him

category this is my argument aswell, then I get a bloody breakdown of everything he’s done to ‘help’ over the last couple of days, maybe I’ll start keeping score too, wonder who’ll win 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueTrousers · 03/05/2018 19:55

yetAnother & Twitter thinking of him attempting to do these tasks is making me laugh and do a nervous twitch both at the same time Grin
I’d love to see him go to a baby group or the library song & rhyme time - or go help out at the school disco or volunteer for reading at school ... tbh I’d just love to see him locate the washing machine Hmm

I realised the other day he’s never ever had all 4 of them on his own, not even for an hour, even if I just nip to the shop I have to “take one with me”

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 03/05/2018 20:49

Why have you decided to have 4 children?

Original poster
BlueTrousers · 03/05/2018 20:53

NotTheFord what?? Hmm

OP posts:
Charley50 · 03/05/2018 20:53

Sorrry but I was wondering the sam thing as Ford!

Charley50 · 03/05/2018 20:55

It just sounds so hectic!

On another note, my dp is much the same and it is soul destroying. He even says 'you need pasta.' Or 'you need milk'
I'm like 'it's we need!'

Original poster
BlueTrousers · 03/05/2018 20:57

Oh is it going to become one of those threads where I have a minor issue with my long term DP and ask for help on how to communicate and understand each other better and move forward but instead I get cries of ‘you should’nt have had your children’ and ‘LTB’
If so I’ll bow out now thanks

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 03/05/2018 20:59

The thing is he DOESNT have a valid point - working does not absolve him from EVERYTHING else including parenting.

Start from there that actually he needs to step up and be a Dad

halfwitpicker · 03/05/2018 21:02

But ridiculous re why did you have four kids

Write him a list and have one day on your own, out of the house, OP.

halfwitpicker · 03/05/2018 21:02

Bit ridiculous obv

Bluntness100 · 03/05/2018 21:04

but instead I get cries of ‘you should’nt have had your children’ and ‘LTB’If so I’ll bow out now thanks

You must be on a different thread to me, because not one person has suggested either you leave him or said you shouldn't have had your kids.

You were asked why you had four children. It's a very simple to understand question.

category12 · 03/05/2018 21:04

Would he prefer you went out to work?

I mean you say "He thinks because he’s the only one bringing money in and I wanted to be at home with the DC then I should be doing everything with and for them". So was it not also his choice that you stay home?

Original poster
BlueTrousers · 03/05/2018 21:08

Quartz exactly!
I may have exaggerated when I say he does nothing It’s just not possible to do nothing when there’s this many kids, of course he parents, it’s just more the fact that I have to tell him what to do like I’m his bloody mother aswell
Plus like a PP said, he clocks off from work at 6 and then wants some chill time - where the fuck is my chill time?! I just keep going and going and even ‘work’ in the middle of the night
I just don’t think he realises how relentless it is sometimes

I absolutely accept that the big things will fall to me, I’m here much more, but when he is here I’d like it to be 50/50 and it’s really not atm
Unfortunately I think he feels like he does enough st the moment and he almost feels like I’m being ungrateful because he works and this setup was more me than him
Then I think he’s ungrateful because I’m raising his kids over here and he’s getting a fairly easy ride from me
We just can’t seem to be able to meet in the middle on it at all

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueTrousers · 03/05/2018 21:12

Bluntness it was a loaded question and no there have been no LTB’s yet, but when one starts others pile in, I’ve seen it before on other threads

category it was more me that wanted to be at home more with these babies, I worked part time with the older ones for a while and I didn’t feel like there was enough of me to go round so when we were planning number 3 I said I wanted to be a SAHM ... I do sometimes feel like he feels a little bit resentful tbh which makes me sad but then I do also understand aswell so I try to avoid this topic as much as possible

OP posts:
Charley50 · 03/05/2018 21:13

Sorry OP I was being a twat.
Your husband needs to step up but not sure how you get him to do it.

category12 · 03/05/2018 21:25

I'm not sure how you work that out then if it's not a situation he wanted to be in.

Although when the two of you were planning your 3rd and you said you wanted to be a SAHM, then I suppose he could have chosen to say "actually I don't want to go ahead and enlarge our family in that case".

TwitterQueen1 · 03/05/2018 21:50

OP
"Whilst I would love to do a day swap with him I just know that absolutely zero housework would get done and whilst he’d ‘supervise’ the DC they wouldn’t have a very fulfilling couple of days, they’d likely spend it all on screens
He wouldn’t even think of doing things like homework
So it’d just make for more work for myself when I clocked back on"

You won't even try? I said, make a list of things that you do every single day, then when he doesn't do half of them you can have a discussion. You're being very defensive and defeatist. If you don't like any of the suggestions here, what do you suggest? You've got to make a bit of an effort here.