Having a shitty time with DP right now, not sure how to move forward

[BlueTrousers]

I will start off by saying I am generally very happy in my relationship and very much in love with DP
He is a good man and he works very hard and sacrifices a lot for our family and so that I can stay at home with the babies
I genuinely believe we will be together for the rest of our lives

Now, that being said he is getting right on my tits at the minute!

We have 4 DC; DS1 7, DD1 6, DS2 2 and DD2 is 3 months
At the moment I just feel like I do everything around the house and with and for the DC and I’m feeling taken for granted
He thinks because he’s the only one bringing money in and I wanted to be at home with the DC then I should be doing everything with and for them

I see his point I really do, I’m just so bloody knackered that I’m struggling to care that he has a totally valid point

We keep having the same conversation and kind of making up then a few days later we’ll disagree again and the atmosphere will be frosty for another few days until it comes to a head, we have the conversation, make up...and on and on the cycle continues

This has been going on for around a month now and I’m bloody fed up

How do we move forward from this?
Any suggestions?

He needs to walk a mile in your shoes, he needs more than 24 hours with all 4 of them.
Honestly it’s the quickest way to make him understand.
You need to do something or your resentment will kill the relationship... eventually.
I did that with my DH and he had a whole new appreciation for my work load. We also wrote a list of EVERYTHING that needs doing in the house (cleaning, birthdays, buying loo roll, school letters, dentist booking... the lot!!) and we divided it up more equally, it’s saved our marriage!

No great suggestions I'm afraid but similar situation here. My DH thinks he does half when his work is factored in, the reality is that he doesn't know half of what needs doing and I don't have the energy to write the list.

One thing I have found works (but slowly) is to make things his job, one at a time. For example pre kids either one of us would put out the bins, post baby 1 he did it but I had to remind him every week (found this almost the same as just doing it myself), post baby 2 he just does it, I think because I stopped reminding him and it was obvious by then that it was his responsibility. Same has happened with a few other little jobs.

I still feel like you sometimes (but with half the tiny chaos causers) so I should identify some more things he can take on, but that is extra effort in itself so meh.

One glance at the way his mum treats him explains to me why he is like it so I mainly try to ensure my son has the same expected of him as any daughter would and at least the next generation can improve the balance slightly

You don't have "a minor issue with [your] long term DP". You have a major issue with the lifestyle you've chosen. 4 dc Ffs!!? Talk about adding to this planet's population crisis.

even if I just nip to the shop I have to “take one with me”

No, you really don't. Get coat, and bag. Shout "off to Tesco's. Byeee" Go alone and race off before he can say anything!

You are both resentful I think

The thing is he can’t have it both ways he can’t have the harder job yet be unable to do yours.

When I was a SAHM wrongly or rightly it was a given that I was responsible for house and kids and dh was the breadwinner. It was hard but there were bits of the day when I could hang out with friends and babies and doze on the sofa while the kids watched a film, read books etc. Dh working crazy hours meant he only got chance to take a breather at the weekends and it would have caused a lot of agg if I started telling him to look after the kids all weekend
There's nothing worse than playing 'who's life is hardest' at this stage and I think it's extra difficult if it's you who wanted the extra kids and to be at home
Nothing helpful to add sorry but it will get easier in a couple of years as the kids become more independent

He definitely needs to spent time alone with all 4 DCs and you need time to relax. I’m NOT saying LTB, but if you did, he’d have to step up and be a parent at least every other weekend, so remind yourself of that when you nip to the shops/go on a spa day/are ill etc. Also nothing to stop you from looking for a job and asking him which days are his preference for School/nursery pick ups.

I think it would help to understand if he is feeling resentful and that is the underlying cause.Perhaps the reality has hit.Also I do think its quite tough to go from work mode to house mode, especially if the house is hectic when you return.I have done both roles, major breadwinner and sahm.Sahm is tough as its relentless but you are immersed in it so almost auto pilot.Whereas when I have a long work day I have to clear my head of my day before I can think of house stuff.

You are likely to have a couple of tough years until nursery/school for younger ones so its important resentment doesn't build.

As a pp said, don't let him tell you you 'have to take one with you' shopping. Just go and cheerily tell him he'll be fine.

I do wonder if you should go to counselling for you to talk about how you feel and him to thrash out whether he resents you for the setup. You don’t seem very good at talking to him about it - eg if you are on the go 19 hours a day plus a night wake and he is at work 10 that’s a pretty obvious conversation to have. Re going to the shops it seems pretty basic to me to say absolutley i am not taking one with me, we have 4 children, if something happened to me would you give one away because 3 is your max even for an hour? If it’s so hard you should be a lot more supportive of the long hours I do, and if it’s a breeze you will be fine. I’ve just remembered something else so I’ll be two hours, byeee. When he gets home give him 20 minutes then say it’s a pretty typical day here darling and you’re a smart guy- can you look around and work out 5 things that need doing? I’m doing dinner while watching dc3 and holding dc4.
The fact you have got to 4 children without being good at this type of conversation isn’t great which is why it might need a counsellor to help you two.

He doesn’t sound nice, he sounds sexist.

You say DP not DH: are you married? If not, SAH is a massive personal financial risk, unless you have your own significant financial assets.

Thankyou for all the sensible responses, I’m just going to ignore the ridiculous one

Quartz you’re right I think we are both becoming quite resentful, maybe I need to actually use that word and try to open up the conversation from there

timeisnot I have often thought we could benefit from counselling, communication has never been our strong point tbh but we are trying more so recently, my friend has not long graduated in psychology and has been giving us some pointers and tips in better communication, we both automatically get quite defensive which is a problem and yes Thirtyrock we do end up playing ‘who’s life is the hardest’ which is just completely unhelpful in every way really isn’t it

Dozer no we’re not married, but I own our house and one of our cars, it was something that was considered in the decision for me to leave work

You’re all so right in that I should just leave him with them I know, I am guilty of doing things just to keep the peace and because it’s not worth the hassle, I will try to stop doing that

I also like the idea of giving him responsibilities that are just his regardless, just to take some of my mental load a little bit, I will certainly put this to him

This is very helpful, Im very grateful to you all

Hi @PinkBall I totally get you. My DH has the major career and has been the primary breadwinner however I have also always worked. When we had newborns and I was on mat leave we slept apart for a long while in respect of him having to rest to get up for work
However our agreement on that was that it was pointless us both being knackered and if he was rested he could take over when needed
This included and still includes now they're 5 and 8 one of us sleeping in the spare room on a Friday and sleeping in and then switching so regardless of who's working we both got a sleep in once a week!!

I'll add that I've gone away for the weekend and returned to chaos and no grocery's or laundry done and I get pissed off because I'm able to do all that as well as take care of the kids but you pick your battles I guess !!

I make sure I have sleep and time for me and I don't ask permission I just expect it and that's as it should be

That said we only have 2 DC and there's often a "I'll take this one to the shop if you take that one on a dog walk"
I'm also ok on my own with 2 and so is he
I think 4 for either of us would be a lot and suspect we'd always end up splitting meaning neither had any time alone !! Can you engage any outside help to give you both a break and time as a couple too?

It's not a "minor issue" though, is it ?

Ask him in all seriousness what sort of relationship he hopes to have with the dc when they are older and not so high maintenance?
All the 'donkey work' is what nurtures your relationship with the dc, the baths, bedtimes, homework, helping them dress, he is so uninvested in their care they won't have much of a bond when he can be bothered with them!!

twitterqueen I think I’m going to do what you’ve suggested. Very good idea 👍🏻

With 4 young children to look after he does need to help a bit more. I'm sure even he would agree with that.

"I may have exaggerated when I say he does nothing It’s just not possible to do nothing when there’s this many kids, of course he parents, it’s just more the fact that I have to tell him what to do like I’m his bloody mother aswell"

So he does help, but mostly does it only when you ask and this is causing resentment? This is a common complaint. There would be a bit of simple laziness here, but also that because he simply can't recognize what needs to be done as he isn't as involved with the house and children as you are. You both need to talk and try and see each other's perspectives. Give him a list of things he can do each day perhaps. There are counsellors who can help, if you have the time and money.

"Plus like a PP said, he clocks off from work at 6 and then wants some chill time - where the fuck is my chill time?! I just keep going and going and even ‘work’ in the middle of the night "

So you get resentful if he doesn't immediately jump into chores the minute he gets home? I think though he does deserve, say, a half hour just by himself unwinding when he gets home from work. I think that is fair. Perhaps he could offer to give you half an hour by yourself every day or every couple of days?

Joke, a valid point nope, if you don't stay home and look after his children then he'd have to pay someone wouldn't he; i hate men like this, think they are doing you a a favour when you have given birth to his children, yeah great thanks!

OP, until you see yourself as an equal to him, he will continue to take the utter piss out of you, he has the pleasure of getting out the house every day, doing a purpose then goes home to family life and contributes FA to the running of his home and children.

I'd not tolerate this for one minute; he's taking full advantage, this is not a relationship to me, it's too one sided, all in his favour.

Do you have a legal agreement in place about what happens to the equity in your house should the relationship break down?